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He is using and I hit rock bottom before him

Old 02-12-2018, 11:59 PM
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He is using and I hit rock bottom before him

I'm JoJo I met my AB in June. I don't drink as in 14 I got a dui from not eating much at the casino and leaving on a few glasses of wine.
Anyways the relationship felt great he was more in love with me than me him at first. I would notice if I was coming to see him he would ask me to grab nips and beer first I thought it's summer he just wants to have a good time. But, I realized if I wasn't there he would walk to the lq store upon its opening to get his fix.
He has a child one daughter (4 years old) he always talked so badly of the mother awful, horrendous things she did. After they had the baby she was nuts, tapped, and bipolar. I noticed victim like symptoms. His drinking would start out happy, funny, laughing early in day, sobbing, crying, hugging me, and bizarre victim like behavior, followed by a psychosis type thing I know you were talking to that guy, who that's in the background in your home, or car u sneaky ***** . I know his child's mother got married shortly after the baby I think he never came back from that.
I drove and ubered him over non profit to her house for the past 9 months. I was told to hide my car like I'm a dirty little secret. I made him a resume got him a great job things seemed better from sept- November he wasn't drinking on weekdays as the job was very strict. I have been with him to the hospital at least ten times" a bug", a pinched nerve, bad back. Now he is out of work waiting surgery.
I know I'm a code as I attract these types. He accused me of sleeping with mg boss as I'm in sales and I'm always on email and text with my co-workers regarding production and new prospects. He would get so drunk invite me to family outings and in his mind I wanted his family members he punched my dashboard leaving an event with this whole drunken story that didn't exist.
It all came to a head about three weeks ago him always accusing me of cheating my gut felt I did so much I feel he is up to something. I went in phone child's mother
Him: I miss us
Her: aww I miss u as well
Her: what do you miss
Him: our family, your cooking, and cuddling with you.
Her: he's moving out March 1st ( husband)
Him: what does that mean i can come back
Her: we will see
That's all I got as he caught me in the phone. I fell on his bed and cried and sobbed I couldn't even leave the scene I have ptsd and anxiety I just couldn't move. I was sexually assaulted in 2015 by a stranger so I got my own stuff going on. The criminal is coming to an end and this stranger is either taking me to trial or taking a plea. I finally left that night lost sad
I got him back to his daughter and now they are plotting a move in behind my back
I got him a great job and cleaned him up only to lose all self esteem and confidence. I became angry calling saying mean things to him, then crying, then mean. I bring up the daughters mother I thought she was evil, tapped, bipolar but you want her back. He said I drunk messages her so he sent her a message in front of me saying I love my gf disregard what I said.
I said why don't you ahit alcohol he said I'll never quit. Now I'm tapped, bipolar, nuts, and need the Looney bin according to him. I am on mood stabilizers and low dose valium both prescribed he tells me take your meds, go to bed, sweres your a stalker. I almost went inpatient but I'll lose my job over this? I need my job. If I quit I'll be at home all day reliving this and my assault. Not healthy. I cry a lot even spoke to his mom who said we all tried to help I realized a long time ago my son will die young of alcoholism. all I'm doing is working on in mortgages 20 hours a week after that I go home and sleep until work again. I'm very depressed I no longer enjoy hobbies and I lack supports as my friends walked out of my life after my assault. I guess they were good time Charlie, hanger ons, and not authentic. It's me, my therapist, and my trauma therapist for support. I had to take time out of work to get some support. He even said drunk your just another female faking an assault. I felt dead. I did everything for him. I feel jealous of the daughters mom if you hate her so much you launched a smear campaign against her now you love her and want her back and your launching a smear campaign on me.
I feel they have been hooking up the whole time as she drinks as well and her relationship with her husband is on again off again. I hate her and I hate him and I hate myself for staying. I never had a dad he left when I was a baby I find myself in these toxic relationships. I changed my number today it was hard even though it shouldn't be I have to go no contact to heal and take down a rapist and work. How can I get back up and get jo back. Therapists are only with you 45 mins of the week. I know I was stupid, enabling, and should have left after the first put down I know he has trauma like me bad car accidents where he is still alive by the jaws of life. I used to justify if I can get him to a therapist and on depression meds and off booze he will heal. I can't save him only save myself. I want to quit on life and sleep all this away like its a bad dream but when I wake up the pain is there. 1st day number change no contact. Run right. Never help, call again etc as my suffering changes nothing and he is always out drinking and partying and he isn't suffering. I spent a lot if money on him to the point my credit card I fell behind on and my credit line revoked. Not for alcohol clothes for his job, help with his daughter, gas for my car as he lives 90 minutes away. I recognize we have no kids, his life is going now where, he lost the job due to alcohol slowly decaying his body. Everything I did was a waste. I always ran back as when sober he would say I'm such an ass, move on you deserve better, and he would cry and apologize. I think he might have wet brain. Enough about him I hit bottom what can I do?
Very Best,
Jo
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Old 02-13-2018, 12:39 AM
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What can you do? Seek additional professional counseling.

You've got too much out of control drama going on.
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Old 02-13-2018, 01:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx View Post
What can you do? Seek additional professional counseling.

You've got too much out of control drama going on.
Ken,
I was looking for a more empathetic response. I have 2 therapists. Sexual assault is far from drama its trauma. I don't like when people make me out to be a drama queen. I recognize this is unhealthy so I cut the cord and woke up Nd smelled the coffee. Besides professional help as I see a ptsd therapist twice a week and a sexual assault therapist once a week. What can I do for myself as since k was a kid I put others before me. I'm self less individual and that's why I attract all walks of life sone good some bad. I will ask again besides professional hell going no contact will save my life correct and this person will not change correct? I'm first time poster I read other posts and everyone is so nice and empathetic. Can people please respond in an empathetic nature without me being dramatic. I didn't know in June it would go down like this. If I get mean responses I'll just delete this as its support as Ken you sound like my alcoholic bf who tells me I'm drama and that hurt. If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all. Happy New Year
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Old 02-13-2018, 01:34 AM
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Sorry youre struggling. It's good you've got the counsellors, but like you say, they can't be there all the time. You acknowledge that you are codie, so perhaps this would be the area of recovery to focus on. Maybe look up the CoDa meetings in your area? AlAnon would also be a possibility (even if he is your ex, he is still affecting your thoughts, feelings, etc.). Again, like the counsellor sessions, you can't be at meetings all day every day. BUT, working on your recovery with a sponsor would mean that through the 12-step recovery program you would learn new and different ways of dealing with life and people and emotions, and that you would feel stronger and more at peace as your recovery progressed. That takes time, but the hope we find in meetings goes some way to getting us through the initial stages.

There really is nothing you can do to change your (ex-)partner or his actions. He has shown you what he's like, now I suppose it's time to believe him. Hopefully working on your own recovery for codependency can help you avoid repeating this kind of relationship in future, and you can go forward in life and be attracted to people who are already sorted, and who you don't feel the need to change but can accept as they are.

You say that you didn't know your father, but don't say much about your childhood per se. If it was one where there was dysfunction which has affected you, then it might also be worth looking into ACoA. Just picking up on the terror and rage you felt at finding out your partner was considering leaving reminds me of myself, which is why I'm even mentioning that, but I realise that could be way off track.

Anyway. Hugs to you. Try to breath. And remember that when an ******** treats us badly, often it is a reflection on THEM, not on us. His not treating you in a loving way does not mean you are unlovable or don't deserve love. It means he is an alcoholic, and therefore emotionally unavailable.

Prayers going out for you now.

BB
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Old 02-13-2018, 01:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Jojopisces View Post
Ken,
I was looking for a more empathetic response. I have 2 therapists. Sexual assault is far from drama its trauma. I don't like when people make me out to be a drama queen. I recognize this is unhealthy so I cut the cord and woke up Nd smelled the coffee. Besides professional help as I see a ptsd therapist twice a week and a sexual assault therapist once a week. What can I do for myself as since k was a kid I put others before me. I'm self less individual and that's why I attract all walks of life sone good some bad. I will ask again besides professional hell going no contact will save my life correct and this person will not change correct? I'm first time poster I read other posts and everyone is so nice and empathetic. Can people please respond in an empathetic nature without me being dramatic. I didn't know in June it would go down like this. If I get mean responses I'll just delete this as its support as Ken you sound like my alcoholic bf who tells me I'm drama and that hurt. If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all. Happy New Year
Alright.

Best of luck.
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Old 02-13-2018, 03:54 AM
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my friend BB-always great advise from her.
glad ya found us here jojo.
nothing he has done defines who you are.
everything you did wasnt a waste- if it all didnt happen ya wouldnt have hit your bottom and became willing to put you first,eh? everthing that occured was necessary for you to get to the point of
Enough about him I hit bottom what can I do?
theres a load of support here and a great friends and family forum,too- lots of people that have been in your shoes to help you along.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it
but you can fix you. i suggest putting some reminder notes around to start- reminders of who is #1 in your life right now.
also, take a look in the mirror-right into your own eyes.
then tell yourself," i love myself today." do it everytime youre near a mirror.
AND visit the F&F forum here.
did you mention if ya blocked his number? no contact is a good thing. he can put on some big boy undies and start adulting or find another hostage. not your circus not your monkey any more.
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Old 02-13-2018, 03:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Jojopisces View Post
Ken,
I was looking for a more empathetic response. I have 2 therapists. Sexual assault is far from drama its trauma. I don't like when people make me out to be a drama queen. I recognize this is unhealthy so I cut the cord and woke up Nd smelled the coffee. Besides professional help as I see a ptsd therapist twice a week and a sexual assault therapist once a week. What can I do for myself as since k was a kid I put others before me. I'm self less individual and that's why I attract all walks of life sone good some bad. I will ask again besides professional hell going no contact will save my life correct and this person will not change correct? I'm first time poster I read other posts and everyone is so nice and empathetic. Can people please respond in an empathetic nature without me being dramatic. I didn't know in June it would go down like this. If I get mean responses I'll just delete this as its support as Ken you sound like my alcoholic bf who tells me I'm drama and that hurt. If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all. Happy New Year
I understand your point but ... this is a forum where we try and help each other to abstain from alcohol. I can sympathise with your plight, your life sounds really terrible at the moment and I can't imagine what you are going through.

I have some experience getting sober and working with other alcoholics. Many of them have other issues to deal with and they use professional services or organisations qualified to do that. I just help with the staying sober part. I know that it is possible to get and stay sober regardless of what anyone else is doing or saying, and in terms of things like PTSD, therapy can be a lot more effective if one is sober.

I didn't pick up in your post that you suffer from alcoholism, apart from the fact that you may be suffering from someone elses alcoholism. If it was the case, I would say we can help you with that, but the other issues are things with which I have no experience and am unqualified to help you. If I tried, there is a good chance I would do more harm than good.

Maybe try the friends and families forum for some new ideas.
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Old 02-13-2018, 07:28 AM
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Ty

I appreciate everyone's responses. Please understand I was in a dark place last night and wanted support as I was a mess. I googled boyfriend is an alcoholic need a support group and here I am. Desperately, reaching out to see if anyone in the world could respond I chose alcoholism as s thread to post on. I figured it was the proper forum as this relationship is all about alcoholism and how it's affecting me. No I don't drink I'm 33 in my 20s I did and I didn't like my personality on alcohol I was either happy, horny, full disclosure on my problems, or the queen of mean. I quit cold turkey in 2014 I thank everyone for responding now I know to utilize friends and family on here. My life isn't terrible three things we have no control over in life is death, taxes, and sexual assault. I will heal everything I do from this point forward will be for the good of me. Yes, I changed my number day 2 no contact I will look into code groups as well. Sorry for posting in wrong category thanks to the very kind and considerate people that responded. I'm not alone.
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Old 02-13-2018, 07:34 AM
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glad ya came back, jojo and reads like youre in a better place today.
no, youre not alone. lots of support here for ya.
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Old 02-13-2018, 08:11 AM
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Glad you are feeling a little better today Jojo, and don't worry about posting here - we are glad you did.
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Old 02-13-2018, 02:26 PM
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Hi Jojo,

I'm sorry you've been going through all this. Honestly as an alcoholic myself your post reads as though you are addicted to the boyfriend, and to some part of the chaos of that relationship, I don't know that much about codependency but maybe that's what it is.

I think you will heal best if you can stay single for awhile, while you move forward with therapy. You can post here as much as you need to. Hope things are settling down.
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