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Falling Apart

Old 02-03-2018, 06:08 AM
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Falling Apart

I feel like my life is falling apart.

2 years ago, my husband and I started and business. And then we found out we were pregnant. And then we found out we had to move. Despite all the changes though, everything was going very well. Now it seems to be unraveling.

My baby turned one yesterday. On Wednesday, I decided to cancel his birthday party because hardly anyone could come. It really bummmed me out. It makes me feel like I have no friends. Which is a big self esteem issue I deal with. Oh, and he started to run a fever yesterday. Took him to the doctor and they didn’t do the flu test, I think because they ran out. So I don’t know what it is, but hope it’s not the flu.

We have been dealing with a dealership now for two months, in regards to a new truck we purchased. And it’s been frustrating to say the least.

I started having upper right quadrant pain again (for a while now) but I don’t have insurance. And scared to go but would if I had insurance.

On top of all this, my husband and I can’t seem to get along. We are both miserable.

I know it’s all small in the realm of things, but I feel like everything is falling apart. I want to drink, but I know it won’t do anything but provide me with more worry, aches and pains.
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Old 02-03-2018, 08:13 AM
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News to put things in perspective.

I found out on Facebook my friend was having to move. So I texted to see if everything was ok. She said yes, but that her mother was experiencing liver failure.

Another friend called yesterday to say that the tumor on her husbands liver was gone (with treatment). He’s been sober a few months now.
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Old 02-03-2018, 08:18 AM
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Jillian,

You're going through a difficult time and it's ok/ good to acknowledge that. Sure, other people have it worse but it doesn't lessen your pain.

It's good that you posted even better that you aren't drinking.

Hang in there!

O
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Old 02-03-2018, 07:45 PM
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I'm sorry things are difficult Jillian but you're doing absolutely the right thing by staying sober. Hope things look up soon

D
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Old 02-04-2018, 02:03 AM
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Your post really resonated with me.

You have every right to feel sad, overwhelmed, etc. Its not because others may have it "worse" that you should apologise for the way you feel.

I do it all the time. I think its about self worth.

Tell yourself that you trust yourself and that its going to be OK. The belief that it will be OK, makes all the difference.

Simple but not easy.
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Old 02-04-2018, 02:43 AM
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What did you do to treat your alcoholism over an above stopping drinking. Alcoholics of my type often try and get away with just stopping but we can find after a time, that our lives seem to unravel, and the internal condition gets hellish. I ask because you seem to be having trouble with personal relationships and that is symptomatic of untreated alcoholism.
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Old 02-04-2018, 04:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
I ask because you seem to be having trouble with personal relationships and that is symptomatic of untreated alcoholism.
Seems to me that she's having problems with circumstances. A little encouragement, maybe?

Just sayin'.
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Old 02-04-2018, 06:02 AM
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Encouragement and sympathy have a definite place in treating alcoholism. So does getting to the root of the problem and developing a plan of action to eradicate these crazy thoughts of having a drink. It's sounds like she was having a bad day and came to the realization that drinking would not solve the problem. Using simple logic can go a long way sometimes. Drinking is not an option. Never.
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Old 02-04-2018, 06:55 AM
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Thanks everyone. I’m still sober
The problem is, is that whether or not my alcoholism is “cured”, my relationship with my husband would still be strained. I can’t control how he acts and reacts, and basically is the issue we are having right now with our marriage. I’m not saying to all him, but his actions lately have been out of line.

I realize there are other underlying reasons why I drank, and I’m trying to solve all those issues, but it takes time. And having a strained marriage is taking up most of my time. Well that, and running a business and looking after a little one and teenager.
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Old 02-04-2018, 06:59 AM
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When I am faced with a stressful situation I always reflect back to my days in high school. If I had an assignment due that I put off or an exam I didn't prepare for, the stress and anxiety was overwhelming. But I always got through.
These are all just moments in time. They hopefully teach us about ourselves and how to better cope ( learned not to procrastinate). Tomorrow will come. The clouds will lift. The sun will shine.
Drinking will never make it better. It only prolongs the stress and misery.
Write things down and choose how to best handle them and make action.
"This too shall pass"
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Old 02-04-2018, 08:40 AM
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This was me basically about seven months ago--right before I decided to go to rehab. I was seriously broken. No job, away from my family w/broken marriage and couldn't get or stay sober. Things do change, as change is the only constant.

Hang in there Jillian, and awesome job maintaining sobriety. Do you have a support group close by? That is, being with others that can relate to what you've dealt with and who can help you implement a plan to overcome adversity can stay the course. Things this past week were just about downright horrible more me as well. Prior to the middle of last year I would've gone on a bender to address my anxiety and frustration. Drink may seem like a temporary fix but always in my experience intensifies the anguish.

I don't have specific recommendations to speak to your situations (other than filing for public assistance on the health insurance front) but can say that you should stay connected here and reach out on that end. Being with other sober folks will continue to inspire and even challenge you for the better.

Best,

T.
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Old 02-04-2018, 10:54 AM
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Thank T. I am working on getting insurance and have 2 options, so hopefully I can get that worked out soon.

As far as a support group, no I don’t really have one. I’ve tried to set boundaries with my husband, but he still asks to get beer. And it makes it worse. I keep telling him not to even mention it to me, but he does. And then when he asks if he can have one, what am I supposed to say? If I say no, it starts a fight.

I am grateful for my cousins that recently moved here. They don’t drink. So at least I have them to hang out with.
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Old 02-05-2018, 05:55 AM
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My family offered to have no alcohol in the house when I was newly sober. I declined their generous offer because it was my problem, not theirs. I had already done enough harm to them without interfering with their liesure time.

I learned that what people do around me has no bearing on whether I could recover from alcoholism. People have feet of clay, they will always let you down at some point, hence my reliance on a Higher Power.

But I did find in early sobriety something that surprised me. Not everyone was pleased to see me trying to get well, and even if they were, many were not convinced of my sincerity, some were downright skeptical, so they knocked me around in various subtle and not so subtle ways. I could have got upset about that, complained that they were not giving me my due, but what would that have accomplished? The truth was that I had a pretty big part in making them like that. I learned that they will mostly come round in time if they see a practical demonstration over time that I had changed my ways.

Indirectly you answered my question about treating your alcoholism, and I hope you noticed that my earlier post referred to alcoholics of my type (the hopeless variety). Your answer is if no consequence to me either way, I merely raise it as something for you to consider, an effort to help you find the truth in your situation.

Again, for alcoholics of my type, it is sometimes very difficult to see the reality of a situation. Denial is what its called, but it is not a very fair way to put it when I simply could not see the issue. Truth is the way to break through to reality, and truth, not sympathy, was what saved my life.

When I first got sober I wanted two things, sympathy and someone to tell me what to do every waking moment. I found at meetings where I shared anything with the motive of getting a bit of sympathy, a problem shared became a problem doubled. I also found that people, especially me, don't make good higher powers.

I hope you will forgive me if I seem a little direct, but what I am sharing is the experience that saved my life and led to permanent recovery, not opinion. If you get something out of it, great, that was the idea. If not, no worries.
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Old 02-05-2018, 07:33 AM
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I want to drink, but I know it won’t do anything but provide me with more worry, aches and pains.
I realized fairly early that nothing could get so bad a drink wouldn't make it worse. When I sobered up I'd still have the same problems plus shame and regret over drinking.

AA is everywhere and it only costs $1. I wouldn't have gotten sober on my own, the support and love carried me through the hardest things.
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Old 02-07-2018, 05:47 AM
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I have been to AA in the past. I have The Big Book and the Twelve Steps and Traditions. I don’t mind the larger groups but now that my little one is mobile, I’ll have to find a babysitter.
I don’t really like the smaller groups (for example, the women’s group) because I feel like so much time is wasted reading the rules in the beginning. The larger group doesn’t seem to do that.

I also find The Big Book a little hard to follow. I think mainly because it was written so long ago.
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Old 02-07-2018, 06:02 AM
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Just ordered some more books; The Naked Mind, and another Allen Carr book.
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Old 02-09-2018, 02:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I have been to AA in the past. I have The Big Book and the Twelve Steps and Traditions. I don’t mind the larger groups but now that my little one is mobile, I’ll have to find a babysitter.
I don’t really like the smaller groups (for example, the women’s group) because I feel like so much time is wasted reading the rules in the beginning. The larger group doesn’t seem to do that.

I also found The Big Book a little hard to follow. I think mainly because it was written so long ago.
You wouldn't be alone if finding the big book hard to follow. The first time I read it, I thought it was too American would you believe?

My experience in working with others in your situation tells me that meetings, while an important pwrt of the whole, are not the program of recovery and they don't in themselves bring about the sort of recovery AA is aiming for.

I have seen people I worked with recover fully, while attending maybe two meetings a week. Their child care and other responsiblities make it unrealistic to expect them to be there every night

Then, at a convenient time we got together and worked the steps by following the directions in the book. The main part of this is just 21 pages, from 63 to 84. Not a big ask. None of this work is done at meetings, and none of it need be done alone. I never would have survived had I not had someone willing to help me through.

Possibly the most helpful meeting for someone in your situation would be a primary purpose group big book study. I have seen the lights come on for so many people in those meetings. They tend to be safe, there is no opportunity for drama in the format, and because it is a study (work) the people that go are generally very serious about recovery.
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Old 02-09-2018, 05:56 AM
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Thanks Gottalife. I do believe there are big book study meetings, I’ll have to plan to attend.

I did finally get my insurance (out of luck I think!) active. I was terrified to call the dr office this am to schedule an appt, but I’m glad I did, because the first available appt is 3/16. But I’m sure they’re taking sooner appt for sick people, and I didn’t feel It necessary to ask to be seen sooner for a “sick” appt. The flu has been awful around here.

I feel like things are looking up. I’m trying to stay busy with our business, planning things for a little one to do, keeping up the house.

When I wrote the original thread, I was stuck in feelings of melancholy. I tend to do that from time to time. I get “stuck” in those feelings for 24-48 hours and basically wallow in self pity. Maybe something I should bring up to my dr next week. But I don’t want to be out on meds. So maybe I’ll do some research on holistic remedies. I know alcohol can screw up hormones.
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Old 02-09-2018, 06:13 AM
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My husband cheated, abandoned us and tried to burn down our church. I drank over all of it--for 18 years. I'm on day 2 of sobriety after years of violent relationships, an arrest and almost dying more than a few times. He went to prison and got sober. Doesn't take a genius to figure it out. I told myself all these years that I deserved to drink after what life had done to me. What kind of crazy thought is that ? Honestly, when you really think about it it's nuts: Life has been mean to me. So I'm going to try to make it worse.
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Old 02-09-2018, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
Thanks Gottalife. I do believe there are big book study meetings, I’ll have to plan to attend.

I did finally get my insurance (out of luck I think!) active. I was terrified to call the dr office this am to schedule an appt, but I’m glad I did, because the first available appt is 3/16. But I’m sure they’re taking sooner appt for sick people, and I didn’t feel It necessary to ask to be seen sooner for a “sick” appt. The flu has been awful around here.

I feel like things are looking up. I’m trying to stay busy with our business, planning things for a little one to do, keeping up the house.

When I wrote the original thread, I was stuck in feelings of melancholy. I tend to do that from time to time. I get “stuck” in those feelings for 24-48 hours and basically wallow in self pity. Maybe something I should bring up to my dr next week. But I don’t want to be out on meds. So maybe I’ll do some research on holistic remedies. I know alcohol can screw up hormones.
This sounds like great progress, Jillian, particularly your willingness to revisit AA and its literature.

I couldn't stand the BB and I hated the 12 and 12 for a good while.

They require a lot of study and then their wisdom begins to sink in (at least that was the case with me).

I now read them several times a week.

I agree with Gotta on all of his points, especially about working the 12 steps being the essence of the AA program and the key to a new and better life.

SR is a lot like AA in that we only want you to not drink, for you to get better and for you to keep coming back.

We don't want your money, loyalty oaths, etc.

I appreciate the honesty you have displayed in your first painful posts.

You seem to have improved already.

In recovery, life doesn't get better - we get better.

So we are able to handle the challenging times better.

Welcome.
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