Advice Needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
Advice Needed
Hi there,
I could really use some advice. Before I begin, I please ask that you respect my decisions and try not to judge my situation. Thank you.
My fiancé and I have been together for almost 8 years. He is wonderful, truly the salt of the earth. He makes me so happy and I really love and adore him. He is warm, caring and a standup guy. And he is an alcoholic.
In July 2017, he suffered from a series of panic attacks brought on by a combination of dehydration from alcohol, heatstroke and his own personal demons. He was hallucinating and it was the scariest thing in the world to witness. I asked him in his hospital bed what was wrong? I asked what did he need to tell me? He said “I slept with someone else.” Shocked and in disbelief, I didn’t actually believe it. I asked when and he said it was a one night stand 7 or 8 months into our relationship. He doesn’t remember much else but that he was so blacked out drunk that he only remembers fragments of the night like getting oral sex but not actually having intercourse to the point where he is unsure if that even happened, where it happened and wearing a condom. He doesn’t remember anything about this person except that she was from Texas. He doesn’t remember how he ended up there and the last thing he remembers is leaving.
Rewind to this time in our relationship, it was a bad time. I was very distant. I had a lot of anxiety surrounding being in the relationship. It’s very complicated but I suffer from ROCD (Relationship OCD). I doubted if I even wanted to be in the relationship on a daily basis and would cancel on him all the time. Then my brother passes away. He and I find him together in his room and I grow further in distance from him. He tries to contact me and I am not having it. I am grieving and still suffering from my ROCD. He makes plans with me and 70% of the time, I cancel last minute because I don’t feel like it. This is obviously partly due to my grief but I also did this prior to my brother’s passing. Now sadly, I just had an excuse to become more distant. I never spoke to him about this. I was 22 years old.
He claims it happened about 3-4 months after my brother’s death. He says he was blackout drunk and per his words, while it was no excuse, he knows he wouldn’t have ever done this sober. He claims this is not him. This is not his character. He said that he should have never let himself get so drunk to make such a poor decision. He says underneath the alcohol were feelings of loneliness, sadness, hopelessness and feeling like he couldn’t be there for me despite trying. He never discussed any of these feelings with me. He was 25 years old.
He says he couldn’t let us get married without telling me this. He kept it from me for so long because he knew I would break up with him. He says he lives with shame, sadness and regret over it everyday. He says he loves me and would do anything to make this right. He also claimed that at that time to deal with all of those feelings, he drank heavily to avoid them. After it happened, he continued to drink heavily to avoid his feelings of shame and guilt but never did it again. I do believe him.
Please don’t judge me but I also cheated around this time. I didn’t do anything physical but was involved in an “emotional” affair of sorts for 3 months. I was not drunk. I also had phone sex and sent nude photos. I was in a bad place myself.
Fast forward to now 7 months later. He stopped drinking and will have been sober 7 months on February 9. He goes to AA meetings everyday and has just begun working with a sponsor for his 12 steps. He went into individual therapy. We went into couples therapy together. I went into individual therapy.
So here’s the thing. I want to forgive him. I know I’ve made mistakes too. I just cannot believe he of all people could do something like this. The thing I struggle with is the alcohol factor. I don’t really drunk and have never been drunk. Can alcohol really bring you to make such a poor decision? I do understand that there were underlying feelings there but is the drink that powerful?
What does everyone think?
Thanks in advance and please don’t judge.
I could really use some advice. Before I begin, I please ask that you respect my decisions and try not to judge my situation. Thank you.
My fiancé and I have been together for almost 8 years. He is wonderful, truly the salt of the earth. He makes me so happy and I really love and adore him. He is warm, caring and a standup guy. And he is an alcoholic.
In July 2017, he suffered from a series of panic attacks brought on by a combination of dehydration from alcohol, heatstroke and his own personal demons. He was hallucinating and it was the scariest thing in the world to witness. I asked him in his hospital bed what was wrong? I asked what did he need to tell me? He said “I slept with someone else.” Shocked and in disbelief, I didn’t actually believe it. I asked when and he said it was a one night stand 7 or 8 months into our relationship. He doesn’t remember much else but that he was so blacked out drunk that he only remembers fragments of the night like getting oral sex but not actually having intercourse to the point where he is unsure if that even happened, where it happened and wearing a condom. He doesn’t remember anything about this person except that she was from Texas. He doesn’t remember how he ended up there and the last thing he remembers is leaving.
Rewind to this time in our relationship, it was a bad time. I was very distant. I had a lot of anxiety surrounding being in the relationship. It’s very complicated but I suffer from ROCD (Relationship OCD). I doubted if I even wanted to be in the relationship on a daily basis and would cancel on him all the time. Then my brother passes away. He and I find him together in his room and I grow further in distance from him. He tries to contact me and I am not having it. I am grieving and still suffering from my ROCD. He makes plans with me and 70% of the time, I cancel last minute because I don’t feel like it. This is obviously partly due to my grief but I also did this prior to my brother’s passing. Now sadly, I just had an excuse to become more distant. I never spoke to him about this. I was 22 years old.
He claims it happened about 3-4 months after my brother’s death. He says he was blackout drunk and per his words, while it was no excuse, he knows he wouldn’t have ever done this sober. He claims this is not him. This is not his character. He said that he should have never let himself get so drunk to make such a poor decision. He says underneath the alcohol were feelings of loneliness, sadness, hopelessness and feeling like he couldn’t be there for me despite trying. He never discussed any of these feelings with me. He was 25 years old.
He says he couldn’t let us get married without telling me this. He kept it from me for so long because he knew I would break up with him. He says he lives with shame, sadness and regret over it everyday. He says he loves me and would do anything to make this right. He also claimed that at that time to deal with all of those feelings, he drank heavily to avoid them. After it happened, he continued to drink heavily to avoid his feelings of shame and guilt but never did it again. I do believe him.
Please don’t judge me but I also cheated around this time. I didn’t do anything physical but was involved in an “emotional” affair of sorts for 3 months. I was not drunk. I also had phone sex and sent nude photos. I was in a bad place myself.
Fast forward to now 7 months later. He stopped drinking and will have been sober 7 months on February 9. He goes to AA meetings everyday and has just begun working with a sponsor for his 12 steps. He went into individual therapy. We went into couples therapy together. I went into individual therapy.
So here’s the thing. I want to forgive him. I know I’ve made mistakes too. I just cannot believe he of all people could do something like this. The thing I struggle with is the alcohol factor. I don’t really drunk and have never been drunk. Can alcohol really bring you to make such a poor decision? I do understand that there were underlying feelings there but is the drink that powerful?
What does everyone think?
Thanks in advance and please don’t judge.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
I would never judge you. We all have done regrettable things. At some point, someone in our life is going to let us down. And we will let ourselves down. Sounds as if you have experienced both sides of that coin.
It is great that he is in recovery, and the two of you are working with therapists to right the ship.
One thing I will tell you though, is that you are marrying an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic, but he still has a disease. As you aren't a drinker, some of his past decisions and behavior probably won't make sense to you. My advice (and it is only that) is to educate yourself about what alcoholism is, and how it impacts relationships.
My hope for you is that he continues recovery, you two build a strong foundation, and you are prepared for what could happen if there is a relapse. NOT saying there will be, but you don't want to be blind sided.
I wish you well, and hopefully the path to your wedding will be enjoyable and exciting. Keep posting, and kudos for sharing such an intimate store. I am sure others will chime in.
It is great that he is in recovery, and the two of you are working with therapists to right the ship.
One thing I will tell you though, is that you are marrying an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic, but he still has a disease. As you aren't a drinker, some of his past decisions and behavior probably won't make sense to you. My advice (and it is only that) is to educate yourself about what alcoholism is, and how it impacts relationships.
My hope for you is that he continues recovery, you two build a strong foundation, and you are prepared for what could happen if there is a relapse. NOT saying there will be, but you don't want to be blind sided.
I wish you well, and hopefully the path to your wedding will be enjoyable and exciting. Keep posting, and kudos for sharing such an intimate store. I am sure others will chime in.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Mspa1988 
I want to forgive him. I know I’ve made mistakes too. I just cannot believe he of all people could do something like this. The thing I struggle with is the alcohol factor. I don’t really drunk and have never been drunk. Can alcohol really bring you to make such a poor decision? I do understand that there were underlying feelings there but is the drink that powerful?
Sure, alcohol will make you do things you might not do sober. But does that mean you are incapable of doing those things? Or just unlikely?
He slept with someone. He could have kept that a secret. He didn't. Forgive him for what he did, or don't. I wouldn't look for conditions. They'll probably haunt you.
We have an active forum for friends and family of alcoholics. Perhaps a visit there might be appropriate. Get some advice from the folks who have had to suffer the consequences of their alcoholic's poor decisions, rather than those of us who made them.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
people do all kinds of things drunk they wouldn't do while sober.
that's just a fact.
do they have the capability to do them while sober? yeah.
i think it is well-established fact that being drunk resuilts in poor decisions...and i wouldn't even call these things decisions as such, but more a lack of discernment and just "reacting" and no impulse control.
yes, being drunk can do that. absolutely.
how this would help you with forgiving or not, i don't know. it's a different question.
that's just a fact.
do they have the capability to do them while sober? yeah.
i think it is well-established fact that being drunk resuilts in poor decisions...and i wouldn't even call these things decisions as such, but more a lack of discernment and just "reacting" and no impulse control.
yes, being drunk can do that. absolutely.
how this would help you with forgiving or not, i don't know. it's a different question.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Personally, I don't think alcohol has much to do with it. People that have their minds made up that they will never cheat just don't. Drunk or sober. Others of us don't want to be unfaithful but lack proper judgment and resolve when alcohol becomes involved. No one is perfect. Follow your heart.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
People are capable of doing a lot of things under the influence of alcohol. People are also capable of doing a lot of things while sober. Alcohol impairs judgement and sound reasoning.
It sounds like both of you have done some stuff that you are not proud of and you regret.
If you want to stay in the relationship with him then move forward and allow him to make an amends to you. Also, let him know of your shortcomings and the steps you have taken to rectify the situation.
Be well.
It sounds like both of you have done some stuff that you are not proud of and you regret.
If you want to stay in the relationship with him then move forward and allow him to make an amends to you. Also, let him know of your shortcomings and the steps you have taken to rectify the situation.
Be well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Originally Posted by Mspa1988
So here’s the thing. I want to forgive him. I know I’ve made mistakes too. I just cannot believe he of all people could do something like this. The thing I struggle with is the alcohol factor. I don’t really drunk and have never been drunk. Can alcohol really bring you to make such a poor decision? I do understand that there were underlying feelings there but is the drink that powerful?
What does everyone think?
Thanks in advance and please don’t judge.
What does everyone think?
Thanks in advance and please don’t judge.
Yes alcohol can bring you to make poor decisions. And acting on these poor decisions may or may not have any underlying feelings.
The drink is so powerful that we (alcoholics) still do it even knowing we will die from it. If we can't stop to save our own butt, I would classify that as powerful. That's why the big book states it takes a power greater than ourselves to bring us back to sanity.
I do like the irony of you asking us not to judge. Thanks for the laugh and Good luck
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome mspa, lots of great advice here already. Most of us have done a lot of things we regret while we were drunk, but I also believe that by choosing to drink we chose to accept whatever we did - whether we "intended" to or not.
As far as forgiving him, I think that's really something you'll have to decide for yourself. The fact that you've needed to seek out advice anonymously on a recovery forum should also be factored into your decision. Is he truly the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? We need to accept both the good and the bad when it comes to lifelong decisions like marriage.
As far as forgiving him, I think that's really something you'll have to decide for yourself. The fact that you've needed to seek out advice anonymously on a recovery forum should also be factored into your decision. Is he truly the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? We need to accept both the good and the bad when it comes to lifelong decisions like marriage.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
From my experience (and only from that vantage point), I think I should have left when I realized that I was completely torn up inside despite trying hard to forgive. I simply could not let go of the hurt and resentment.
Can you let go? You're not a bad person if you can't; you're just a human who is hurting and doesn't want to be hurt again. If you can, then there is hope.
Do what is best for you even if it hurts right now. In the long run, you will thank yourself.
xo
O
Can you let go? You're not a bad person if you can't; you're just a human who is hurting and doesn't want to be hurt again. If you can, then there is hope.
Do what is best for you even if it hurts right now. In the long run, you will thank yourself.
xo
O
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
There is so much going on here that I would suggest taking your time with all these decisions. See how things work out.
The prognosis for your partner sounds quite good. Seven months sober, starting the steps, regular meeting attendance. These are not bad signs. The hardest thing to assess is the future. Will he stay sober? What part would you play?
When I was about three years sober the then love of my life told me she could never marry an alcoholic. High risk of drinking? Nope, never occurred to me. I had recovered and was doing the things necessary to survive these low spots. She went on with her life, never married as it turns out, and I went on with mine.
People do relapse it seems. There is a diagnostic indicator that I use if I am working with a relapser. AA has this circle triangle which shows the three sides of recovery. They are Unity, which is the fellowship, Recovery, which is the steps, and Service which is about service positions and operation of groups and AA as a whole.
When someone relapses they are often only in part of the triangle, most commonly Unity ie. going to meetings. Your was just in one part, now he is in two, Unity, and Recovery. When he takes a service position or becomes active in helping others in other ways, he will be in all three, and relapse is unlikely.
IME, when folks relapse after many years sobriety, looking way into the future, the same thing applies, they will have dropped out of one or more sides of the triangle.
I like to think of a couple of AA friends who I met at the start of their journey. One in particular I met when he was six weeks sober. He was back supporting the meeting in the detox ward he was in six weeks prior. He was already in all three sides of the triangle and has stayed there. Whenever I visit his town, I am never surprised to see he is still sober, and more than that, he has grown into the most delightful individual and I count it a privilege to know him.
Whatever you decide might make him happy or sad for a while, but it will have no bearing on his recovery. By the same token, if he continues to develop on the path he is currently on, he could make a mighty good life partner.
The prognosis for your partner sounds quite good. Seven months sober, starting the steps, regular meeting attendance. These are not bad signs. The hardest thing to assess is the future. Will he stay sober? What part would you play?
When I was about three years sober the then love of my life told me she could never marry an alcoholic. High risk of drinking? Nope, never occurred to me. I had recovered and was doing the things necessary to survive these low spots. She went on with her life, never married as it turns out, and I went on with mine.
People do relapse it seems. There is a diagnostic indicator that I use if I am working with a relapser. AA has this circle triangle which shows the three sides of recovery. They are Unity, which is the fellowship, Recovery, which is the steps, and Service which is about service positions and operation of groups and AA as a whole.
When someone relapses they are often only in part of the triangle, most commonly Unity ie. going to meetings. Your was just in one part, now he is in two, Unity, and Recovery. When he takes a service position or becomes active in helping others in other ways, he will be in all three, and relapse is unlikely.
IME, when folks relapse after many years sobriety, looking way into the future, the same thing applies, they will have dropped out of one or more sides of the triangle.
I like to think of a couple of AA friends who I met at the start of their journey. One in particular I met when he was six weeks sober. He was back supporting the meeting in the detox ward he was in six weeks prior. He was already in all three sides of the triangle and has stayed there. Whenever I visit his town, I am never surprised to see he is still sober, and more than that, he has grown into the most delightful individual and I count it a privilege to know him.
Whatever you decide might make him happy or sad for a while, but it will have no bearing on his recovery. By the same token, if he continues to develop on the path he is currently on, he could make a mighty good life partner.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 164
We all make mistakes nobody is perfect. The thing is can you forgive him and move on with your lives. He at least admitted it which he didn't have to. My husband cheated on me, I couldn't let it go and I eventually broke up with him, that was 15 years ago, and i have only recently seen the part i played in it.
If i could go back in time i would have forgiven him. I was certainly not perfect myself. He has remarried and has been with her for many years, seems happy, I'm still single lol.
If i could go back in time i would have forgiven him. I was certainly not perfect myself. He has remarried and has been with her for many years, seems happy, I'm still single lol.
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
Lots of great advice and experience here. I can only speak from my experience as an alcoholic who has behaved in ways that I wouldn't have dreamt of sober, and many of them involved sex.
I don't mean to diminish my culpability in these acts - I still made the decision to drink the first place, being more than familiar with the road it leads me down. And obviously there were underlying emotions at play that lead me to do THOSE things rather than some other stupid thing.
I wish you all the best - maybe consider giving Al-Anon a try?
I don't mean to diminish my culpability in these acts - I still made the decision to drink the first place, being more than familiar with the road it leads me down. And obviously there were underlying emotions at play that lead me to do THOSE things rather than some other stupid thing.
I wish you all the best - maybe consider giving Al-Anon a try?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I only know myself, and can't speak for others. But I have been blackout drunk many more times than I'd like to accept. One thing I've never done despite wanting to many times, is cheat in any way shape or form. Including anything inappropriate over text or messenger. I'm not equating it to this but I also haven't physically hurt anyone either. These things aren't in my nature so even when in out of it I don't do them.
I'm not saying with really ripe conditions in that blackout state that it couldn't happen...just that its so far outside my nature that it hasnt yet.
As for forgiveness of an affair, or a one night mistake, I probably could if it was genuinely over. I couldn't deal if he was unsure about her or if he felt conflicted...I'd never wait around for that. But an affair or dalliance that was done and in the past, probably. Everyone is different in this regard so you've got to know yourself and know your feelings about it.
Best wishes.
I'm not saying with really ripe conditions in that blackout state that it couldn't happen...just that its so far outside my nature that it hasnt yet.
As for forgiveness of an affair, or a one night mistake, I probably could if it was genuinely over. I couldn't deal if he was unsure about her or if he felt conflicted...I'd never wait around for that. But an affair or dalliance that was done and in the past, probably. Everyone is different in this regard so you've got to know yourself and know your feelings about it.
Best wishes.
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