Full Blown Alcoholism with a Licence to Kill...Myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 40
Full Blown Alcoholism with a Licence to Kill...Myself
After years of working on my addiction, and years of meetings, detoxes and rehabs...I was finally able to drink the way I wanted thanks to divorce(!). And I went hard.
Consequently, I then quit 'Cold Turkey' and went into full blown Delerium Tremens (DT's) without any medical supervision at all....Real ones (!), and it was BAD. Real bad, man... Almost killed me.
I also Grand Maled out right on a detox floor, and that was AFTER my DT experience. It put me in a wheelchair for three days, and I could hardly articulate my words or thoughts. Wow...what we go thru.
Anyway, I often thought I 'Pushed the Envelope' farther than most, even extreme, alcoholics.
Has anyone else gone this far??! Crazy, but I'm a real alcoholic. Seriously, I don't feel that most of us know just how bad it can and will get, and that's just if we live!
So I need to keep that fresh and real today, as I know I am only one drink away from being drunk. I am new to sobriety, I think, but thank God it has been over three years since my last drink.
The older I got, the worse I got, and I don't ever want to live that way again.
BTW, I'm brand new here, and this site looks like s GREAT tool to help keep me sober one day at a time.
Dig It-
Dirk
Consequently, I then quit 'Cold Turkey' and went into full blown Delerium Tremens (DT's) without any medical supervision at all....Real ones (!), and it was BAD. Real bad, man... Almost killed me.
I also Grand Maled out right on a detox floor, and that was AFTER my DT experience. It put me in a wheelchair for three days, and I could hardly articulate my words or thoughts. Wow...what we go thru.
Anyway, I often thought I 'Pushed the Envelope' farther than most, even extreme, alcoholics.
Has anyone else gone this far??! Crazy, but I'm a real alcoholic. Seriously, I don't feel that most of us know just how bad it can and will get, and that's just if we live!
So I need to keep that fresh and real today, as I know I am only one drink away from being drunk. I am new to sobriety, I think, but thank God it has been over three years since my last drink.
The older I got, the worse I got, and I don't ever want to live that way again.
BTW, I'm brand new here, and this site looks like s GREAT tool to help keep me sober one day at a time.
Dig It-
Dirk
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Yeah, after my divorce I thought things would get better in my life. No wife riding my ass, telling me how horrible of a husband I was, yadda yadda.
I did well not drinking at all for a little while. Then tried that, "hey, I can drink moderately now, can't I?" Once I started up again, with no one at home to have to answer to, boy I was off to the races again in pretty short order.
The withdrawals I had stopped just short of seizures, I think it's about the only withdrawal symptom I didn't experience. But when I started having auditory hallucinations at home, that began turning into visual ones, I knew enough to know that this was probably some of those withdrawals I'd heard people can have and called for an ambulance.
Ended up in the local hospital detox, with acute pancreatitis tossed in for extra measure.
Nice to know I never have to go thru that again.
I did well not drinking at all for a little while. Then tried that, "hey, I can drink moderately now, can't I?" Once I started up again, with no one at home to have to answer to, boy I was off to the races again in pretty short order.
The withdrawals I had stopped just short of seizures, I think it's about the only withdrawal symptom I didn't experience. But when I started having auditory hallucinations at home, that began turning into visual ones, I knew enough to know that this was probably some of those withdrawals I'd heard people can have and called for an ambulance.
Ended up in the local hospital detox, with acute pancreatitis tossed in for extra measure.
Nice to know I never have to go thru that again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 40
Thanks!
I like you already...
Yep. Exactly.
Thanks for showing me how to read these things thru on Robs cry-out! It's really great talking to someone on here (Right now) who 'gets it'-
Thanks, Rob. If no ones told you this today, you have helped me! Staying sober is not an 'I' or 'Me' effort. That didn't work for this cat-
Dirk
...Yep. Exactly.
Thanks for showing me how to read these things thru on Robs cry-out! It's really great talking to someone on here (Right now) who 'gets it'-
Thanks, Rob. If no ones told you this today, you have helped me! Staying sober is not an 'I' or 'Me' effort. That didn't work for this cat-
Dirk
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Well, no one can claim that alcoholics aren't resilient, can they?
I mean, who else but an alcoholic would roll out of (or off
) the bed, feeling horrible and start to drinking again on an empty stomach, repeating the exercise day after day? Or go to the liquor store all shaky to get more?
And I used to think alcohol was my reward.
I mean, who else but an alcoholic would roll out of (or off
) the bed, feeling horrible and start to drinking again on an empty stomach, repeating the exercise day after day? Or go to the liquor store all shaky to get more? And I used to think alcohol was my reward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 40
You just reminded me of something. Shaky, sweating, and throwing the car door open to vomit while DRIVING to that store in the am on an empty stomach. Then, barely being able to walk up to the counter and paying with the largest bill so I wouldn't have to make change (they could) and I could get out. Just to shut myself in a dark crappy apartment to drink myself out. Wake up. Do it again. Until I ran out and had to make that awful shaky drive again...
What joy!
Wow. That brings back some vivid memories....
And I know it would take one breach of judgement. One slip...down the hole we fall-
I don't miss that...terrible terrible existence.
Waiting to die.
Yikes!
You got it, man-
Dirk
What joy!
Wow. That brings back some vivid memories....
And I know it would take one breach of judgement. One slip...down the hole we fall-
I don't miss that...terrible terrible existence.
Waiting to die.
Yikes!
You got it, man-
Dirk
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Hi Dirk and welcome to SR! Wow you are lucky to be alive aren't you?
I remember about 2 years ago being told time and time again how this thing is progressive. I nodded like a good girl thinking I knew what that meant. I didn't really truly understand what that meant. Fast forward another good year of on off binging (or repeated failed attempts and stopping) and I started to get a little taste of what that meant. Cold turkey each time for me (my fear of social services prevented me from getting the help I needed stupid stupid!). My last withdrawal really did have me terrified that I was going to die in my sleep. And that's the scary reality of it. people do die from this. Slowly and painfully or bang gone in a second. Of course it'll take everything you love and your sanity along the way too let's not forget that......
I guess that's why I'm so passionate about the newcomers. Many of them have the chance to get out of this before the really scary stuff even begins.
But of course we really only have control over our own recovery. Posts like yours remind me of what the reality of going back out there means so thank you.
Glad you've found us!
I remember about 2 years ago being told time and time again how this thing is progressive. I nodded like a good girl thinking I knew what that meant. I didn't really truly understand what that meant. Fast forward another good year of on off binging (or repeated failed attempts and stopping) and I started to get a little taste of what that meant. Cold turkey each time for me (my fear of social services prevented me from getting the help I needed stupid stupid!). My last withdrawal really did have me terrified that I was going to die in my sleep. And that's the scary reality of it. people do die from this. Slowly and painfully or bang gone in a second. Of course it'll take everything you love and your sanity along the way too let's not forget that......
I guess that's why I'm so passionate about the newcomers. Many of them have the chance to get out of this before the really scary stuff even begins.
But of course we really only have control over our own recovery. Posts like yours remind me of what the reality of going back out there means so thank you.
Glad you've found us!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Dirk, glad you've made the decision to be sober and congrats on 3 years. Regarding your question, a lot of people have taken it further than you did, but they can't tell us about it because they are dead. Death is a very real and unfortunate consequence of drinking, the ultimate "rock bottom" so to speak - and it happens a lot more often than you might think.
I'm glad you've decided to give SR a try, and I hope you can stay around for some conversation.
I'm glad you've decided to give SR a try, and I hope you can stay around for some conversation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 13
The flinging the door open while driving to vomit also made me remember trying not to breathe while standing in line behind other people at the store so they wouldn't be overcome by the alcohol on my breath.
Although, I did overhear some lady tell a friend in line, "My GOD....somebody around here is SATURATED....you smell THAT?" I was too well dressed to be "that" person.....but I went to my car and cried because I was that person.
Although, I did overhear some lady tell a friend in line, "My GOD....somebody around here is SATURATED....you smell THAT?" I was too well dressed to be "that" person.....but I went to my car and cried because I was that person.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 57
That hits home for me as well. I have almost passed out trying not to breath in line at the store. And I have too cried in my truck knowing that I didn't pull it off. My house mate and work partner have used the phrases "fuming" and "vapor trailing" more times than I care to admit. But today my workmate said my breath was "minty" and it made me feel good. The poison is out of my body and simply brushing my teeth was enough to not offend anyone. In the past I thought I was pulling it off by brushing my teeth and using mouthwash, but when you are "saturated" it doesn't matter, it's all in the lungs. And it's humiliating...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 40
Exactly...Thanks!
Yep.
I know that drill well. By the end of my drinking, at least the last couple years of it, I didn't care at that point. I just needed to get to the store, buy a case plus 4 40's, then retreat so I could drink the first two and throw them up.
Then I was good to go.
Always the same.
The real DT experience was beyond imaginable, but even that didn't stop me. I used every poor me excuse in the book, but it didn't matter. Once I drink, it's almost impossible for me to stop.
So thank God for three years, but I can not get complacent. I need to remember it, and keep it fresh.
Like I said, I'm a real alcoholic.
And yes, most real DT's without medical supervision can result in death. High mortality rate. That's why not many people can relate to that kind of...amazing hell.
I'm real fortunate.
Thanks, all!
Dirk
I know that drill well. By the end of my drinking, at least the last couple years of it, I didn't care at that point. I just needed to get to the store, buy a case plus 4 40's, then retreat so I could drink the first two and throw them up.
Then I was good to go.
Always the same.
The real DT experience was beyond imaginable, but even that didn't stop me. I used every poor me excuse in the book, but it didn't matter. Once I drink, it's almost impossible for me to stop.
So thank God for three years, but I can not get complacent. I need to remember it, and keep it fresh.
Like I said, I'm a real alcoholic.
And yes, most real DT's without medical supervision can result in death. High mortality rate. That's why not many people can relate to that kind of...amazing hell.
I'm real fortunate.
Thanks, all!
Dirk
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
Oh yeah, waking up in the morning with my tongue stuck to the top of my mouth it was so dry. Trying to get out of bed and feeling like I weighed 400lbs. Making my way the bathroom sink to vomit for awhile (or dry heave) then proceed to try and down another glass of whiskey. Memories like these make me so appreciate how far I have come and how badly I never want to go back.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
I went on a 4 year bender that almost killed me. My neighbor took me to the hospital, and then I was transported to another hospital where i was in Icu for a week or so and then spent almost 4 months in the hospital and another 8 weeks in IOP.
I tried off and on during that 4 years to taper off on my own and I failed miserably every time. I've had seizures and Dt's and they're horrific. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I remember getting CT scans at the ER to measure brain damage.
The Drs made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to survive another relapse. I had heart damage, diabetes, pancreas damage, BP issues, my kidneys were in bad shape and my liver was not doing well at all. They diagnosed me as a chronic alcoholic and gave me almost no hope unless I stayed sober.
Yesterday that was exactly 23 months ago. My last physical I got a clean bill of health. I still have to take a few medications, but I'm ok with that right now. Life is great and I still have my ups and downs, but I think I've walked away for good this time. It's the longest (by FAR) I've ever been sober since I was 15. I'm 44 now.
I'm very grateful to still be alive.
I tried off and on during that 4 years to taper off on my own and I failed miserably every time. I've had seizures and Dt's and they're horrific. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I remember getting CT scans at the ER to measure brain damage.
The Drs made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to survive another relapse. I had heart damage, diabetes, pancreas damage, BP issues, my kidneys were in bad shape and my liver was not doing well at all. They diagnosed me as a chronic alcoholic and gave me almost no hope unless I stayed sober.
Yesterday that was exactly 23 months ago. My last physical I got a clean bill of health. I still have to take a few medications, but I'm ok with that right now. Life is great and I still have my ups and downs, but I think I've walked away for good this time. It's the longest (by FAR) I've ever been sober since I was 15. I'm 44 now.
I'm very grateful to still be alive.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,528
Welcome, Dirk - we're so glad you joined us. Congrats on your 3+ yrs. of sobriety.
I was well on my way to the situation you describe. I'd been working on my addiction for decades & achieved the goal of round the clock drinking. At work, all day - and extra on weekends. Kept a drink on my nightstand to sip on if I woke up shaky. Classy! I'm so thankful we don't live that way anymore.
I was well on my way to the situation you describe. I'd been working on my addiction for decades & achieved the goal of round the clock drinking. At work, all day - and extra on weekends. Kept a drink on my nightstand to sip on if I woke up shaky. Classy! I'm so thankful we don't live that way anymore.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi Dirk!
Yeah, its definitely progressive. I was in denial about controlling my intake for so long that I was pulling off 3 sober days a week with 3-4 days of non-stop night and day drinking , whiskey bottles by the bed drinking....then detoxing on Mondays, hoping clients did not notice the sweat pouring off me, the shaking hands, the hoping I didn't throw up in front of everyone, feeling like I might have a heart attack from palpitations. I became an amazing actress, cool as a cucumber on the outside and utter raging chaos of alcohol withdrawal on the inside. Week after week. I actually lived like that. My husband threatened to leave because I lost all mental stability on the weekends. Although I was just waiting for someone to give me a nudge. It was a relief.
Welcome to SR.
Yeah, its definitely progressive. I was in denial about controlling my intake for so long that I was pulling off 3 sober days a week with 3-4 days of non-stop night and day drinking , whiskey bottles by the bed drinking....then detoxing on Mondays, hoping clients did not notice the sweat pouring off me, the shaking hands, the hoping I didn't throw up in front of everyone, feeling like I might have a heart attack from palpitations. I became an amazing actress, cool as a cucumber on the outside and utter raging chaos of alcohol withdrawal on the inside. Week after week. I actually lived like that. My husband threatened to leave because I lost all mental stability on the weekends. Although I was just waiting for someone to give me a nudge. It was a relief.
Welcome to SR.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 40
Keep on Keeping On...
Bulldog, I get it. Totally.
I'm 46 now myself. Never in a million years thought I'd see 30! Started at 12, went (got sent) to Military School at 13 (for bad kids....drank and smoked pot. Go figure).
Then, at 18 was kicked out of college the first time (drinking), and did a fifth plus nightly of vodka until 26. I can count on one hand how many nights I missed that 5th, and will never forget the price.
$5.27 out the door...
Then came the switch to beer (& liquor). Joy...
All you all, thanks so much for keeping me sober today! 3 years could be gone tomorrow. Tonight. That's why I'm here.
To keep keeping on-
Thanks so much!
Dirk
I'm 46 now myself. Never in a million years thought I'd see 30! Started at 12, went (got sent) to Military School at 13 (for bad kids....drank and smoked pot. Go figure).
Then, at 18 was kicked out of college the first time (drinking), and did a fifth plus nightly of vodka until 26. I can count on one hand how many nights I missed that 5th, and will never forget the price.
$5.27 out the door...
Then came the switch to beer (& liquor). Joy...
All you all, thanks so much for keeping me sober today! 3 years could be gone tomorrow. Tonight. That's why I'm here.
To keep keeping on-
Thanks so much!
Dirk
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
I just wanted to say welcome and thank you to everybody for this thread. One of the most powerful I have seen on SR. I have not reached that stage of alcoholism but I know beyond any doubt that I was headed in that direction. I am now on day 13 and I will never, ever drink again. On my last 3 day round the clock drinking bender (in front of my wife, son and parents in law) my wife told me she would leave me if I kept drinking and I know she meant it. She had cried the previous 12 hours while I drank in the room passing out spilling red wine all over myself and the bed while my son did his school home work beside me. That image will never leave my mind. She took photos of me to show me when I woke up which I will keep to look at whenever the AV pipes up in me. Thanks again, this helped me tremendously. I wish you all continued success with your sobriety.
I am McLovin'
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Santa Clara, CA
Posts: 144
Welcome Dirk,
I have heard first hand many horror stories of those I shared IOP with. I myself had a prolonged bout of the shakes and all sorts of physical withdrawls symptoms including hallucinations. I have gone into the hospital only to drink right after I was discharged.
It takes a tremendous amount of effort and tenacity to maintain that level of alcoholism.
Imagine if we just put that same level of determination and perseverance into something positive like a creative outlet, hobby or business :-)
I have heard first hand many horror stories of those I shared IOP with. I myself had a prolonged bout of the shakes and all sorts of physical withdrawls symptoms including hallucinations. I have gone into the hospital only to drink right after I was discharged.
It takes a tremendous amount of effort and tenacity to maintain that level of alcoholism.
Imagine if we just put that same level of determination and perseverance into something positive like a creative outlet, hobby or business :-)
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