waynetheking

This disease is unrelenting. It will stop at nothing until the host is dead. Glad your here dirk.

DesertDawg

Totally agree with this sentiment. Some people call them 'war stories', and don't like them...and I totally get that. But as for me, sometimes I NEED to hear the experiences of the people that took it as far as I did, to the point of getting clear physical signs that they were dying a slow death, but kept going anyway.

I seized out twice, once on the Monday of a business trip, and was in the hospital for three of the four days of the trip. Then had to return to curious co-workers wondering how I could be at work on Thursday seemingly no worse for wear. Most reasonable people would say 'time to cut back on the booze", but not me!

A month later, I seized out again, this time in front of my relatives at Christmas, and they had to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. I was about 60 seconds from hopping in my car to drive across town. Who knows who I could have injured or killed if I had seized while driving the car at 60 mph. Thankfully with the support of my family, I called it quits shortly thereafter and went to residential rehab & IOP.

I came across an old carbon copy of a check I wrote a few years ago. It was for my rent, which I had to drop off at the rental office on a Monday morning before heading to work. My hand had been shaking so bad that the writing on the check was barely legible. I remember sweating through my clothes, waking up at 3am on a Monday morning, unable to go back to sleep until it was time to wake up and get ready for work. Taking a shower and getting dressed, then sweating through my work clothes again within 30 minutes. Taking a coupe of swigs before work just to settle my hands. Driving to the grocery store at 6am to buy booze and also buying a bunch of other stuff I didn't need so the cashier wouldn't think I was just buying vodka at 6am.

I thank God that I am almost two years removed from that horror show, but I also pray that I never forget it.

ubntubnt

I think for some of us who were bad but maybe two or three stops from some of the destinations described on this thread it is useful because our AVs trick us into glamourising drinking. Remembering the good times and conveniently deleting the horrors from our memory banks. Many of you have described in no uncertain terms where I was headed if I didn't get off the train, I don't doubt that.

I absolutely get it that some may think "well I wasn't that bad, maybe I should continue on drinking" but honestly, who can read through this thread and think that another single sip is ever a good idea?

SoberDirk

You just nailed it.
If anyone can read my experiences, and the others described here, you will see it's 'No Joke, Amigo. This gets worse and worse until we decide to make it better.
There are WAY to many other horrific things in my past alone that I have not shared here. Equally disturbing.
But man, when your left at deaths door...at 40...that's messed up.
You know, when I go to meetings I love to see the newcomers. The ones who come in drunk, crying and broken. Those are the 'Cats' I identify with, as that could be me tomorrow if I don't keep my past fresh.
And nope. It didn't need to get this bad, doesn't need to happen to anyone else...but it may. Or worse. That's why I can never give up and the only way is to do it one day after another. I dont believe I can survive that again.
Awesome feedback! Thank YOU!
Dirk

Ken0331

As much as I did things that threatened my health, I also have to remember that I also caused havoc & destruction in the lives of those who love me and cared about me.

Destroying myself, it's easy to think back on that and think the damage was only limited to me.

But that's not true. I hurt people who cared about me in the process. While it may compelling to hear or tell these stories, and the damage we did to ourselves, I have to remember it wasn't just me I hurt. What I did to me I earned and deserved, and I'm OK with that. What I did to others, they didn't. That's hard to sit with.

SoberDirk

Great point, Ken.
I really never took into consideration just how selfish I was. The destructive 'Wake' of my actions drove everyone away. And caused a lot of pain to a LOT of people. The last four years, for me, we're pretty much all alone.
It is hard to sit with, but it's also another 'Positive Motivator' for this alcoholic. There are so many different aspects of my past I do not want to do again.
And one drink is all it would take to forget that.
Thanks for helping, at least me, stay sober another day.
Great stuff!
Dirk

Gettingcloser

I find this to be a really good thread too. When I was really struggling with cravings I found it helped to read the "war stories". It helped me make the right choice in the moment not to start the dance of horror by picking up again. The AV is so powerful. I remember one time sitting quietly relaxing when all of a sudden the AV starts up, rapidly starting to take up my headspace. It becomes physical. The next thing I knew I was digging my nails into my chair, jaw clenched and rapidly swallowing! What the hell! It is so true as well, about the loved ones in our lives that are so scared, confused and helpless by our behavior.

Change4good

I didn't get to that point, but my twin brother (who died from alcohol at 39) did. He seized behind the wheel, and totaled his car. He seized in an AA meeting. He seized on vacation and fell down the stairs.

I remember him coming home from 30 days inpatient, opening his door the first day back, and seeing him swig straight from a pint of vodka.

Glad you are with us. Thanks for sharing your story. I too, appreciate the war stories, because it reminds me that alcoholism has no happy ending if left untreated.

NYCDoglvr

What a joyful holiday! My brother brought a lovely spruce tree and left so I decided to decorate it. Dragged out the decorations and climbed a ladder. Oh wait, I had to celebrate. Had decided to forgo red wine (because tannic acid made me drunk) but there were bottles of a 1986 St. Emillion and hey, it's red and it's Christmas, right?

When I came to, I was in the ER strapped to a gurney, my stomach had been pumped and the left side of my face was one big black bruise. It seems in a blackout I took around 100 Valium but to this day I don't know why. Doctors invited me to stay for three days and I was tied down to a bed (psyche ward was full) with an attendant. Other woman in the room was there for diabetes. Doctors go on rounds several times per day: "in that bed is diabetes, in this bed it's pills and alcohol".

This is how you get the "gift of desperation", folks. I'm active in AA some 26 years because I know I can drink again but don't plan on going through the hell of detoxing in the rooms of AA.

SoberDirk

Wow...Merry Christmas, right?
We really are an 'Interesting Lot'!
I commented on a NA 'Beer' question on another thread a couple days ago, but it fits PERFECT here. Man...reading everyone's comments puts into perspective how many 'ways' we thought we could find an Easter, softer way. Really?
Yep, I tried Odoule's, also, when I tried loosely to quit (again) about 10 years back. First, I drank oodles and oodles of Odoule's. Then, as people around me smelled fake beer, I poured out the Odoule's and filled the bottles with Icehouse. That's hard, by the way, as they foam but 'have to look right' and then would save the btls for refilling. God...what a lot of work!
And, at .05% abv, that was just 'Mental Masturbation'. Finally, I put the wrong tops on the 'Fake Real Beer'... Oops...busted.
That's the stuff I forget. And when I forget that, along with REAL DT's, the pure hell and pain...the violent sicknesses and then some...then my 'forgetter' puts me in danger.
That's when I know I need your feedback and conversations.
Even with 3 short years, that's what's keeping this drunk sober today.
Thanks to you all SO much! This is GREAT, and I feel very welcome here. Keep it coming...
New guy on SR,
Dirk

VikingGF

OMG that flashback was vivid... I sure get it, too, SoberDirk.

Welcome to SR, glad to have you and congrats on 3 years.

4thegirls

My favorite part was waking up in the middle of the night, shaking, parched with thirst, going into the kitchen to drink glass after glass of water, eating bananas and aspirin and vitamins , desperate to stage off the hangover I knew was coming, and then going back to bed, still shaking, and then starting to cry thinking of all the things in my daughters' lives I was going to miss because I'd be dead. Then getting up hungover and going for a fifth of vodka in order to make it through the work day. And ....repeat. Repeat. Repeat repeat repeat.
EVERY SINGLE DAY for 18 years. 18 freaking years.

SoberDirk

I like your Screen Name.
Yep, we're a mess. Years of insanity.
Thank You!
Dirk

MindfulMan

My last binge required medical detox. I drank until i left for inpatient and got a valium taper for two weeks. Rehab took and i.haven't had a drink since.

Had i tried to self detox i could definitely ended up like the OP

SoberDirk

Self Detox is a terrible way for any 'Real Alcoholic' to go. It can and does kill us.
Funny thing is, I had done it so many times I thought I knew it. I thought wrong(!)-
Man oh man, it is GREAT to be sober today!
But yes, detox for me (that time) was spool much more extreme and intense than the usual shaky, sweats... cold & hot, sick, can't get up, can't sleep, hate myself and everyone else, depression... You know, the usual 'Fun' stuff.
No. DT's...real full blown DT's gave me a whole new appreciation for the truly deadly hold this monster had on me.
So, it is really a blessing to be both sober and alive as we speak.
Thanks so much,
Dirk

SoberDirk

Oh! And to all...
It's good...no, GREST to be sober today!
Thanks,
Dirk

lessgravity

Dirk - thank you for this thread!

For the first time the other night and then the next I had these relentless panic attacks/mild hallucinations - not real hallucinations but I could not turn off my mind from the darkest, weirdo, porn, anxiety driven thoughts and dreams.

Looking forward to sober sleep and more from you and everyone posting here.

Arpeggioh

Yep, count me in, another fan of horrible, scary, bloody "war stories."

The best thing I can do for my sobriety is to remember. And when my memories seem less than gruesome and deadly, I have this thread to illustrate where I was headed. I'm very thankful y'all made it out alive to share your battle scars

SoberDirk

Wow, great feedback...
Lessgravity, you reminded me of something.
And, by the way, shutting off the 'mind'...I still have bouts with that.
But man, my DT experience was, for lack of better words, off the charts.
I had vivid dreams the second night. Scary...terrifying. Yea, porn, too, in one. I was in some wild swingers club or something as an observer. The second dream, I was in Hell only as an observer. The third was identical as the second, and it was the EXACT dream of my version of Hell. Only, this time, I was a participant. Wild, I know.
But, the VIVIDNESS, CLARITY and REALITY of those three dreams were like nothing I've ever experienced prior or since.
Then I proceeded into full blown hallucinations like none other.
I just wrote down my experiences, all four days, in unedited (unrated!) detail as I remember every moment. Amazing as it was, I wanted to capture every moment before it fades off into foggy moments. Even though it was over six years ago, I remember every horrible second.
The real wild thing is, even after THAT, I STILL didn't get totally sober for another three years....
How's that for alcoholic??!
But anyway...still would never have believed that could happen from alcohol.
By the way, it took me over two weeks to capture that experience on paper. Almost 35,000 words, and that's what prompted me to look for other DT experiences on the internet.
Surprisingly few. Because we die(!) when they're that intense. But I found this site in the process.
So, I don't tell my horror story to **** people off (some get upset) but rather to paint the stark reality of just how bad alcohol can get.
And, for this alcoholic, I need those reminders the farther I get from it.
That's what KEEPS me sober today.
Thanks so much!
Dirk

iew101

Wow, thank you all for sharing. This has helped me greatly put things in perspective.