Rivenin

this might be odd, but i'm sure i'm not alone.
When I was drinking, not while drinking specifically, but in general, in my era of drinking, i was way more confident and could hold conversations way easier, small talk was no big thing, making friends was relatively easy. holding a conversation with someone at a bookstore, coffeeshop, anywhere was easier.
However, after i quit drinking, i'm constantly fumbling over my words, not sure what to say next... usually when i say something to try and hold a conversation with someone i can feel a small comic type thought bubble come up and just say "what the hell was that?" "what did you just say?" and i can feel the person i'm talking to kind of do the same thing.
it's just an odd feeling for sure... i was expecting it early in my sobriety, but it's still ever so present and is making it so difficult to talk to even people i've known for years and years.
Note : it's been about 11.5 months.
Did anyone else notice this type of behavior change? any tips on how to get over this? anything i can read to help? any small talk tips?

Stayingsassy

I'm finding the same problem. It doesn't make socializing very appealing, I am hoping it gets better.

ScottFromWI

Unfortunately I don't have a solution to share with you, but I will say that there are a lot of things that took well over a year to improve for me in sobriety. In fact, I didn't address some of my problems ( anxiety mainly ) until almost 2 years into being sober.

Could it be some kind of anxiety holding you back maybe?

Rivenin

I wouldn't say anxiety; though i wouldn't rule it out completely. I don't generally have an anxious personality or feel anxiety going into most situations. However, when i did go out, i made sure there was a drink at whatever spot was chosen... if i did feel some nerves kick up especially if the group was too quiet, i just grabbed another beer.

But it's in situations where it was mostly fine where i can't drink. I work in the IT industry and am at peoples desks or on the phone for a lot of my day, been at this for over a decade... but even trying to make small talk on the phone and in person when i'm waiting for new drivers to install or anything is a bit odd and is causing fumbling words. like, it's the words i'm trying to throw together or my mouth goes faster than my brain can try to make the words.

I usually do some form of "self psychiatry" and try to figure this out, the only thing i've been able to help with it is try to remember to pause before talking, and talk slower as well (I've always spoke very quickly, bad habit, i know). but trying to remember that in the moment is rough!

VikingGF

There are a few things you can do to help ease the stress of interpersonal communication.

First, make a conscious effort to slow your rate of speech down a bit. So many of us become anxious and speak so quickly that A, our speech can become unclear to the listener, and B, it gives the us little or no time to organize a response because we are getting the words out so fast. Take a beat and answer slowly and clearly. (Trust me, when you slow your speech down, it may be slow to you, but it still won't be SLOW, so you'll sound just fine.)

Next, keep the conversation light. Talk about how you really like their hat or their dog or wasn't that game great and then steer the conversation to THEM. Ask questions, get them talking and take some of the pressure off you. Really listen and ask questions about what THEY just said so you are now no longer coming up with stuff to talk about. If you have nothing to say, just nod your head, agree, smile and I'm pretty sure they will keep talking.

Keep breathing, listening and add to the conversation with personal anecdotes or experiences as they arise.

Take the pressure off yourself and don't analyze everything you say- that actually takes you OUT of the communicative exchange and puts you into a battle with yourself.... put that focus on what others are saying instead.

Have a few good stories of your own, nothing wrong with a little practice on your own at home.

Hope this is helpful!

Dropsie

Great stuff here.

It will get better.

wayforward

To be honest, I think this topic is one of the main reasons so many people relapse. Using alcohol to help ease anxiety or socialize is not only common, it's encouraged. You get used to your central nervous system being a bit depressed and GABA receptors firing off uninhibited. It becomes a crutch for a lot of people.

Most of us are probably going to have to make a concerted effort to improve our conversation and sociability while sober. It will take some screwing up and maybe a little awkwardness, but we'll get there. VikingGF has some great tips. There are plenty of books on socializing, charisma, the art of conversation, all of that. If we make the effort, we'll get where we want to be. It's just a bit nerve-wracking. And of course, some have anxiety issues beyond just simple nervousness.

Best of luck to you all.

TheToddman

Rivenin,

I'm not going to label this anything--as there are opinions that may vary (and TBH I'm not a professional) but I'm experiencing this on a pretty major scale. I've kind of placed this into the post acute withdrawal realm for me personally (I'm only 5 1/2 months in) and typically that is only supposed to last around 6. I've dealt with anxiety most of my life; I can say that staying in my head so much can cause me to 'lock up' and fish for words or have the 'awkward pauses'.

In my line of work there's something known as 'Ballmer's Peak' where someone can allegedly achieve optimal programming ability given a certain level of alcohol in one's system. I used to try this with conversation and just general social engagement, as I'm a natural introvert. Not great results

Now I'm just trying to *slow down*, breathe more and not fill every pause with a quip. Small talk is a YUGE weakness of mine, so I've perused YouTube a little to work on nonverbal cues as well as verbal techniques.

Hope this helps man

Obladi

I heard this a little while back and it struck a chord in me: "Listen quickly and speak slowly." I think when we are really and truly listening, our responses can be punctuated by thoughtful pauses. And that honors the other.

Shitzupuppy

As someone who has to listen to csr people when on the phone or fellow athletes while on the court, sometimes i wish theyd just shut up.

I don’t make small talk easily. Like others, i fumble on that. But I have learned to love the silences and not feel compelled to fill them with useless babble.

So i guess I’m saying, imo, it’s ok not to talk all the time.

MyLittleHorsie

I think all IT people suffer from this honestly. Which might be why you see a lot who drink. You Don't have to talk if it is going to be awkward. I prefer my IT people not talk, I am usually a bit anxious or irritable when it is anything to do with my computers and small talk is just distracting.

zjw

when i drank i was pretty quiet cept if i was in like company. It never made me more social or outgoing really.

when i got sober i think socializing became even more difficult. I also think to some degree its the times we live in too its so easy to offend everyones so edgy and so on. Least I think this is part of my issue. I do the same fumble over words etc.. nothing wrong with just keeping quiet too i guess.

August252015

I definitely experienced this and it was VERY disconcerting to say the least. Aphasia (in short, the inability to grasp the right word, or to do it quickly) was a big problem for me as well, and that terrified me as words are my favorite currency.

It did all pass/improve, with time. I sometimes find myself drifting or having forgotten what I just said (I smiled at that thought bubble/slightly out of body thing you said- def me)....I am just a couple weeks shy of 2 years sober.

All of our experiences and healing paths are different. I have kept seeing overall improvement in every area and have gotten more patient with things that trouble me still , or occasional "back tracks" in things like this.

I generally find it easy peasy to hold forth in public now- but I also do it way more selectively now, because it takes energy that I may want to employ elsewhere.

Take care- keep going!

Rivenin

Don't mean to keep this short, but i'm at work and supposed to be limiting my internet time . However, i do want to thank each and every one of you for the very kind words! what you guys said has struck a cord and helped quite a bit so far... i've read some of this previously but i was busy with family and my kids over the weekend i didn't get a chance to read it all fully.
However, just like the words i fumble over when holding a conversation, i also tend to side track my thoughts when i'm reading anything and i usually have to read things 2-3x to even get the full thing in my brain... happened before a bit, but now it's pretty consistent.
so as i read everyone's responses, i want to thank you again and i have already put a few of these things to use!

and i do agree with IT people should be a bit more quiet at your desk... i would love that, but people where i work are overly friendly and love to talk... so it's a bit rough, but i'm right there with ya! it's hard to concentrate on fixing PC issues when holding a conversation! haha

Gottalife

My sponsor told me it was a matter of practice to a large degree. One thing that helps enormously is contained in one of the 9th step promises, but is also a recognised technique for getting along with people. The promise says "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows"

This can manifest in a conversation by me asking lots of open questions and listening to the answers. People love talking about themselves as a rule, and a good listener is never short of someone to talk to.

ubntubnt

I find myself in situations like that all the time, most in working life but often in personal. I tend not to make small talk easily but there are times when I need to. I find the best thing to do is to make the other person at ease. Smile, be polite and relaxed and focus on small things that are mostly irrelevant. Eventually, they will relax in your company and then things will flow easier. The main thing is not to put yourself under pressure. Not every conversation has to achieve something or have a central important point.

WaterOx

Just a thought many of us might ponder....

could it be that the way you talk now is just fine and the "drinking you" was not?

SoberCAH

This was a real problem for me early on in recovery.

As my mind, body and soul healed, I became more comfortable in my own skin and conversation (with a modest modicum of intelligence) would just kind of flow out of me during conversations.

I have found that asking people about their children or grandchildren is a great way to disarm the person or people with whom I am speaking.

I also let other people do a lot of the talking.

SpankedbyLife

I didn't read the entire thread yet, I have to go to work but I know how you feel. I have social anxiety disorder and take paxil for it, drinking was the only way I could feel normal and talk to people. Now that I haven't drank in days I feel like a hermit

Ken0331

Words are your favorite currency. I like that.
Me, too. I always knew I had a larger than average vocabulary. Only even had to look up one thing in the BB first time I read it, an out-of-date cultural reference. Love to read grand works, like The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon. Talk about a challenge . . . .


But early in sobriety my brain didn't work like I remembered. First that awful "brain fog" just makes any task tough. Then it took a while to feel comfortable in my own skin again.


I used to be a terrible introvert growing up. I had very few social skills - something I realized was a "gift" from two alcoholic parents. I set out to right it in my 20's. I just put myself in situations where I'd have to interact with people.

And yes, if you ask people questions about themselves, lots of times all you have to do is smile and listen. People do like to talk about themselves.

Works with girls all the time.