behindblueyes

My grandfather passed away recently. I fell into a dark depression and didn't get out of bed. My parents were also in a dark place and my friends were all out drinking. None of them came to the funeral because, drinking friends. I relapsed. I drank a liter in 24 hours.

I stopped caring about work so they fired me. 5 years at this job and I basically told my boss "find someone else who cares". Messed up and not me at all. In honesty, my job was horrible. They would call me at home and make me work from home, unpaid. They would make me drive my own car around to do things for the CEO on my own watch. While drunk, I had the guts to quit. Sober me would have been nicer about it.

However, now I am scrambling to find a job and am home all day thinking about alcohol. I have been sober a month. I know I can't drink (I start detoxing at beer 1), especially because I can be called for an interview at any time.

Unfortunately, this morning about an hour ago my mom called and said my aunt died. No idea how she just didn't wake up. I know it was from pills and/or alcohol. Our whole family is like this. I don't know how to cope. So I came here.

There is one meeting in town. This only meeting is at a church I applied to work at as a secretary so scratch that. I hate this small town.

I am rambling because my thoughts are everywhere. I have so much free time on my hands with no job. The only thing I do all day is read. The most recent book I have here is "Healing the Addicted Brain". In this book, it states "Talking therapy such as group therapy plus individual counseling, plus 12-step programs works for only 20-30 percent of people.". This is me. I have failed at every attempt to become sober because any time a tragic event happens (death), I relapse.

Sorry for the rant, as usual, thanks for listening.

doggonecarl

Sorry for your losses.

The deaths of my dad and mom sent my drinking off the rails and luckily in the direction of sobriety.

I had to learn to cope with tragedy. I thought I was by drinking. But I wasn't. I was just avoiding discomfort, the discomfort of grief and sadness. But grief and sadness are the hand maidens of tragedy. I had to accept them.

Not sure what about death drive you to drink, but whatever it is, it can be faced sober.

Stayingsassy

I work with death. Death is something that is such an entrenched and intrinsic part of life, that I believe if we don't come to terms with it, we can't ever fully function in daily life or heal when death comes close to us.

Think of nature. Not because it's beautiful and comforting to be in or look at, but because it teaches us what death really is. Death brings life. Birth cannot occur without it. As people living in the world of nature we die at all ages to make room for other people and animals on the earth of all ages to flourish. In this way we give of ourselves and give ourselves back to nature. Think of how beautiful and mysterious autumn is. Autumn is essentially nature's death. As much as we want to be separate and strong we are on the wheel of the earth, we spin with it as we are born, as we live and create life and as we die and others are then born. You are connected to this. Your grandfather and your aunt are part of this ancient connection as are you. This is a beautiful phenomenon, that you were destined to live, and also to die.

Don't drink during your miracle. Live, with your eyes open. See how beautiful it all is. Breathe.

Make sure you spend time with others in meetings or therapy or friendships while you are grieving. They are part of the same cycle, part of the same wheel we all spin on. We are one.

Blessings to you. Take care of yourself.

ScottFromWI

Sorry for your loss BehindBlueEyes. Death is a part of all of our lives unfortunately, and as you have found out drinking is without question the worst possible thing you can do to deal with it. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant of course, so if you are already depressed it's basically like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

I would highly recommend making some attempt to get out of your house to have some conversation of any kind with someone in recovery. Coming here is a great idea but having someone to talk with in person is very important. Have you ever been to or thought about talking with a counselor/therapist? That could be very helpful too. There is likely an alcohol/drug resource in your town/city that you could call too and find out if there are any other support or group meetings, and they might even have access to grief counseling or loss support groups.

Dropsie

BBE,

I am so sorry for your losses.

SS and Scott both nailed it, but its hard to see because they are gone and WE miss them. Its about our loss.

I always HATE the word self-pity, we all need to be more compassionate with ourselves. I say do go feeling sorry for yourself sometimes when bad things happen.

Give your self a hug, go for a walk, let your self be sad.

But don't drink over it. They would not want that, and neither would you. You beat this b$itch that your aunt couldn't -- do it for her. And yourself.

Obladi

behindbluyes

This must have been very hard for you, hard to post and write about your feelings and your relapse. I'm glad you did. Because you know this is a group of incredibly supportive people and you know it's safe - but it's still hard.

I approve of the motion to find some face to face support. If you can't go to AA in your town, perhaps you can venture a bit further? Counseling too can be amazingly helpful once you find the right therapist.

And, yes. Be sad if that's how you feel. But keep moving because it will help.

xo
O

behindblueyes

My aunt died of a pill overdose. Oxys.

I am shocked. My uncle is waiting for a liver (on the donor list).

I am worried that he may drink himself to death. He can't deal with this alone. He is a war vet and actually is barely alive.

Thanks for all your replies. I feel like I was born into this.

Stayingsassy

In a way, that is helpful for you. It eliminates doubt about your addiction.

Learn from your family. They wouldn't want their deaths to be in vain. If what happened to them helped give you a second chance at life then their pain served a purpose.

Dee74

I'm sorry for all your losses BBE - you know there's no answers in the bottle - maybe a therapist could help you feel better with this loss and change?

D

behindblueyes

Thanks all, thanks Dee. I am just hoping my uncle doesn't kill himself. He was able to get a new liver recently, but said he would rather die than go to AA meetings.

So, he is going to die soon also.

My family is so stubborn.

paulokes

Hi.

I wonder if there is an idea here (your idea) that you are consigned to the misery that drinking is bringing you?

The job which has now gone...and drinking has 'helped you' cope with that, rather than being a contributory factor is any way. The family history of addiction. Reading a book that seems to tell you nothing works for some people. Worrying about your family members "their" stubbornness and their problems.

I'm sorry for your losses too. I know for certain there is nothing you can do for your family right now..I'm pretty sure there is a solution for you though...if you really want to stop drinking. Whatvdoes it take to get that sliver of hope back...to recognise that drink is definitely a factor in your own problems? That continuing to drink will almost certainly worsen your own circumstances, and that stopping will almost certainly improve them?

JeffreyAK

Are you sure going to that meeting at the church will harm your chances of getting a job? Honestly I think it might help your chances.

ScottFromWI

You are not stubborn enough though to rule out coming here for help - so give yourself some credit there. I'd also recommend a meeting or otherwise for yourself - you can't control whether your uncle goes or not, but you can control if YOU go or not ;-)

behindblueyes

I am so worried for my uncle. He was so ill before she died. He had yellow eyes and all. He still wouldn't go to rehab or meetings and said he would rather die.

I think I may be setting myself up for failure.

I love my uncle. I am not good with death. He was my "cool uncle" all my life growing up as a kid and I didnt know it was because he was high.

BullDog777

This might sound dumb but when I was early on and I was in the s#it, and I was feeling like I was moving towards a drink, I'd have these things in front of me I had to do first.

Like...this is exactly what went through my mind.."Well, I think I'm headed for a relapse, but first I have to go to a meeting. Then I have to call someone who is in the program or call or see my therapist. Then tell one person outside of my wife and daughter that I plan to relapse that loves me, get some food, get some sleep, tell my wife and at least 2 friends that I plan to relapse. Then, come up with one more thing I have to do before I feel like i might relapse, post to SR and wait for 10 responses. Then listen to at least one.
Those are like 10 things...I don't think I ever made it past doing more than 2 before I changed my mind.

Sometimes the tools you get are the ones you have to rely on when the s#it gets deep. Those don't have to be your 10 things, just come up with an arsenal of weapons to defend your sobriety.

Stayingsassy

Yes, bulldog.

Basically, sobriety had to become more important than anything else in my life. It couldn't matter what anyone said, what happened, what situation i was in, whether I lost a pet or my marriage, my friends, my entire social life, gained weight....you name it, sobriety still came first. I had to put it above all the people I loved. That was a new one but a necessary one also.

There was literally no circumstance that could cause me to drink. None.

That's the only way it has worked. People have worked on me, life has worked on me, I've lost friendships, my social life has changed, I've put on ten pounds, I feel like a totally different person and I often don't recognize her....but none of that matters. I don't give a **** about any of it because I am still sober.

That is the golden ring. That is the one true thing that makes anything else possible and livable.

Sobriety must always be the priority.

Acheleus

Stay connected to others. You reached out here and now you know you shouldn’t hesitate to attend the meeting in your hometown. When I relapsed in the past I was usually isolated and filled with self-pity. My advice is to stay connected to other human beings. I think deep down alcoholics seek connection and acceptance in alcohol, but it is illusory. People care about you and I think you will feel better if you reach out and connect with others. I hope you feel better soon.