Cosima11

My job situation was part of what prompted me to get sober and actually stick to it this time.. I'm trying to shift into a more professional career path and realized there's just no way in hell it would've worked while I was drinking.

But once I stopped I've felt I needed some time to just lay low and not take on anything new.. so everything's kind of on hold right now. I want to move forward with it but I'm just kind of terrified honestly.. what if I fail? What if the stress leads me back to drinking?

I know I cannot continue living in this isolated bubble dwelling on depressing thoughts cause that's obviously not good for my mental health either. I *think* about doing positive things like joining a gym but haven't actually done it. I think about paying my final fee so I can start working this new job but have yet to actually just do it..

Ugh how long did it take for the external circumstances in your life to reflect the inner changes after getting sober? I feel like 3 months is long enough to mope around and by 6 months there better be some real progress or something to show for it.. but I also don't want to put too much pressure on myself. Hard to find the right balance.

doggonecarl

For inside changes to be reflected on the outside, you first have to make changes. Quitting drinking is step one. That alone may not change external circumstances. But it is the foundation upon which change occurs.

Change requires action. Recover is an action verb. What are you doing to actively recover from your alcoholism? Hopefully more than just thinking about it.

Gottalife

That is really it isn't it? Alcohol was your solution to life, and now it has gone. What will lead back to drinking is if you fail to find an adequate substitute, a new solution.

I have seen it so many times. A person knocks of the booze, maybe even goes to a few meetings, but fails to take any real action on a new solution. They stay sober while life is good but then it throws a curve ball, maybe stress, grief, resentment, something upsets the apple cart and without a new solution, they immediately, automatically turn to the old one. And there is no guarantee that they can recover from that.

Strangely enough, once the new solution is in place, things like employment problems have a way of solving themselves, usually with a much better outcome than we might have expected.

Cosima11

Yes thanks I'm aware what I'm up against. I quit without rehab and without meetings, didn't move back home or quit my current job or anything like that. Existing sober for over 3 months while still being able to support oneself independently may not seem like much of an achievement but I'm counting it as one.

For now I'm simply not drinking.. I flew out of state to see family over the holidays and believe me that was a HUGE trigger on many levels, but I did not cave in. Facing those types of situations sober gives me more confidence that I can face other, potentially more stressful situations as well, I just haven't been exposed to them yet. My question is mostly about how much exposure is too much and too soon...

Is there really ever an all encompassing "new solution" though?

totfit

Facing fears and moving forward career wise, while a sometimes uncomfortable process is what built the foundation that makes it nonsense for me to add alcohol. Making a specific reasonable plan and setting goals along the way with some sort of timetable would be a start.

Part of my issue along the journey was I had to get over feeling somewhat "tainted" by some of my life's miss-adventures due primarily with my relationship with alcohol. Trudging forward and moving in a positive direction seems to "wash the taint away". I entered a field working with a group and was in awe of the folks with which I worked. I am now the person folks come to for advice and answers. It is truly amazing what can happen if one just continues to put one foot in front of the other in a somewhat positive direction.

zjw

dont bite off more then you can chew. thats my advice. I routinely made / make that mistake. and yeah I might not drink over the reprocussions it sure makes me very uncomfortable and puts me into places where i might start thinking about it.

finding balance is hard. I sorta eliminated everything from my life and gingerly started adding things back in if i liked how it was going and i was managing things ok then i'd add in a little more. I soemtimes feel disabled and feel i cannot handle as much as the next guy or as much as I once good but that doesnt bother me much anymore i'm more accepting of things as they are and figure well this is just how it is for me if i want to maintain my sanity and sobriety.

For what its worth i also quit without some kinda of formal program etc.. just all on my own. a year later decided to hit up AA. It can be done its very hard tho. and I think if I where to do it all over again i'd at least stop into aa a little bit sooner and really latch on to some supportive folks.

ScottFromWI

I think there can be. Certainly there are very few 100% guarantees in life, but you can always put forth a plan to improve your life and change it as needed.

I personally view my sobriety "plan" as encompassing all areas of my life. For me, quitting drinking itself was really not even part of my sobriety plan - it was a precursor to me starting it. I had a lot of issues buried underneath my drinking - anxiety being the main one, but I also had neglected my physical health and diet, and really dropped the ball on my relationships with my family and friends. I needed to address all of them, but not all at once of course.

The "tools" have used include therapy, mindfulness and meditation, reading self help materials, recovery meetings, the SR forum, my doctor and an improved diet/exercise, my church, my family and probably several other things I'm forgetting. Some of them I still use, some not as much anymore. For example, I went to AA meetings early on but I don't really go much anymore. I still read the big book as it's a great reference though. Another example would be therapy - I started out going once a week, then every other week , and now I only go probably once a month if even that.

Stayingsassy

Cosima, I have to literally force myself to make positive action. Action like getting off the couch, putting down the sweets, going to the gym or even work. I force myself. I'm at month 4.

I know that if I just continue to do nothing i will feel worse, so I do something. Then at the very least, I have the ability to look at my day and say, see, I did that.

Just keep moving forward even when you don't want to.

JeffreyAK

OK, true for many people. But then,

Or else what, you will go back to drinking and ruin your job situation? Don't mean to pick your paragraph into separate pieces, but I hope you see how this sounds. Getting over being an alcoholic takes time, usually months but can be a couple years. It's absolutely 100% worth it, every moment of it, because the alternatives are far worse.

Ken0331

By the time six months rolls around, if you're still sober the only thing you'll have to "show for it" will be six months of not drinking.

It sounds like you want the reap the benefits and rewards of sobriety and recovery without doing what it takes for true recovery to begin. Just "not drinking" isn't recovery. That's simply called abstinence.

Being sober and financially self-supporting for 3 months is a great achievement for people who have struggled to do that b/c of substance abuse problems. But that's kind of expected of adults, isn't it?


I agree with Scott, my recovery plan is holistic. It doesn't begin and end with simple abstinence. When I didn't drink, and had no other tools to cope with life, I was miserable. I thought drinking was my only problem. Remove the booze and my life would improve, I thought. I was wrong.


The place I went to rehab had a great poster on the wall. I'll share it with you:


http://tiltright.com/wp-content/uplo...02-13_1017.png

waynetheking

It's a great question and I'm glad your asking. Information is power and knowing everything about the disease and sobriety will always help you.
Here's my advice and my timeline for you.
Develop a plan and work it. 3 months is awesome. You even made it through the holidays. But you need a long term plan. The others before me have given you good advice. Take it. Take action. Massive amounts of action. Alcoholism does not rest. Neither can you. It doesn't hurt to pray either. That's how I did and still doing it. With help from God.
9 months was the turning point for me. I saw myself as a sober Wayne. Not sick and tired Wayne. 9 months i realised sobriety was the only way to live. Nothing else matters. Sobriety is number 1. You have to make it the top priority. If you don't you the run the risk of relasap. That's a deadly mistake. Don't ever take this disease for granted. It wants to kill you and it will if you don't stop drinking.
So develop a plan, set your goals. Develop a support group. Have faith. The rest will take care of itself. That's how its working for me, I hope this helps.

Gottalife

Absolutely. A life changing spirtual experience brought about through working/living the 12 steps of AA. It has worked for me for nearly 38 years, and millions of others.

Cosima11

Thank you for all the replies. I'd like to respond individually but don't have enough time right now.

My thoughts are healthier, my relationships have improved, I've lost over 20 lbs without working out.. So I disagree with this statement. If not drinking alone had no impact on my life would I really be an alcoholic or need/want to stop? Probably not..

I guess I already have some things to "show for it" and I need to be happy with the small victories. I don't think the world owes me some sort of prize I just think I owe it to myself to continue on this path and am trying not to get stuck in the same spot for too long..

And actually keeping that list empty of "what I think I'm entitled to" is what kept me in my addiction..

Cool but I don't think you need AA to have a spiritual experience..

Sorry if my responses seem defensive or abrasive I'm mostly just frustrated with myself right now but I do appreciate all your thoughts and advice. It is all helpful even though we all obviously have different recovery experiences and I realize no one can give me definitive answers on what exactly I should be doing and when..

Gottalife

This is true. It was an idea that came from Carl Jung that was later part of the successful program of AA. He stated that in general, at that time, there was no hope for chronic alcoholics like Rowland, to whom he was speaking. The only exception was here an there once in a while people had had what he called vital spritual experiences resulting in a complete change in personality. He told Rowland that he had never had any success with acoholics who had progressed to his stage, though the methods he employed were usually successful with less serious cases.

Theses exeriences were very rare, he said, but your only hope is to go and find one. He did, in the Oxford Group, and didn't drink again.

That was early 1930's. Professor Doug Selman Psychiatrist and alcoholism researcher for all his proffesional life, told us recently the exact same thing. Once a line is crossed," the only hope is some kind of conversion experience, and AA are experts at that.'

So the good news is that these experiences are not so rare anymore. In fact they are quite common in AA among those who are willing to do what it takes, and form the basis of contented permanent sobriety.

So yes, AA is not needed for spiritual experience but such spontaneous events are rare, where as AA has a reliable poven path to such an experience.

Ken0331

Cosima,

I'm having major difficulty here understanding what you mean.

All I see you mentioned in your recovery plan is abstinence. Are you doing anything else you just haven't mentioned? Because "simply not drinking", i.e. - abstaining from alcohol, isn't a recovery plan. Not for an alcoholic anyway. That poor coping skill has to get replaced with healthy ones, or invariably we are miserable trying to "white-knuckle it" until we drink again.

And that's not Ken's opinion. Therapists, psychologists, addiction treatment centers, you name it, all tell us to have one b/c without a plan, most addicts won't make it.

WinterThunder

The last time I drank or got drunk was one year ago last night.

I did not join AA or anything---I just made a decision to quit drinking.

Although I probably disagree with others here re: needing to have some sort of overarching "plan" or "program," I think you really need to pick up an activity or something constructive that will help you grow.

I was 50 pounds overweight when I quit. I've lost that 50 pounds and this was due to pushing myself to eat and exercise correctly. It became a much healthier replacement for alcohol and helped with confidence, esteem, anxiety control, depression, etc.

My recommendation is to find a healthy alternative to alcohol and dive in, even if uncomfortable. If you don't replace the alcohol, I think it will find a way to sneak back into your life.

Stayingsassy

I think you're doing fine, cosima. You've remained sober for several months, you have a healthy fear of returning to drinking and no romanticizing of the bottle or getting drunk, you've reached a point in sobriety when you are feeling restless and wondering what your next step forward will be with work, with fitness, with what? The overwhelming beauty of the freedom from hangovers and obsession with alcohol is that you get to figure out what comes next, instead of just your next drink.

You're tired and unfocused because you're only a few months in and those are normal feelings for the first year.

Keep on staying sober day after day and the world is finally your oyster, with all its terrible, yet beautiful reality.

Lets all be brave and keep living with eyes wide open.

Cosima11

Shamans in Peru would tell you the same thing about taking ayahuasca Sorry I'm joking but there's an ayahuasca thread somewhere around here and I don't know why I just found it funny and still sometimes think about it when coming to this forum..

It is interesting though, didn't know Jung had an influence on AA..

Well yes I'm doing many things differently than I did in my addiction.. I'm giving myself permission to feel my feelings without panicking, I'm setting and respecting healthy boundaries with others, I'm learning to choose my battles and not take things so personally. Not sure if these are things you plan or things that just happen when striving for a better way of life..

This goes without saying but I'm also no longer binge eating or self-destructing in other ways while drinking or blacked out.. so not drinking has directly led to a change in other behaviors whether intentional/planned or not.

Congrats on 1 year that's awesome! You're definitely right I need to find an activity.. I'm basically deciding between getting into yoga or joining a regular gym, but I've been "deciding" for a while now so I should probably just choose one.

Aww so true thank you for your positivity and support!

Lindajean68

I just love this conversation. So much insight has been shared. Thanks to you all.

joandmelandhan

^^^^^ I'm with Stayingsassy!!!!

Of course living a new life and having plans and structure is super important yes.
But I'm personally a big believer in balancing manageable baby steps whilst being careful not to procrastinate my life away.
At 3 months sober I was still very much healing and managing the basics without flying into a rage or floods of tears fairly regularly was quite a challenge.
Looking back I perhaps treated myself like an invalid a little too long (I have depression too) but I was sober and growing at MY pace.
Now at 6 months in I feel a lot better about how I am living and the choices I make. I'm eating healthy now, I go to yoga, I have much more pride in my appearance, I have a much better system of staying organized at home and I am a better parent. This has only really gained momentum in the last month but I'm okay with that.
Balance. That's the key.
If you feel like you're stagnating then yes try something new. Anything! That's the beauty of the freedom from alcohol.
Not fit enough for the gym yet? Try a yoga class
Still binging on sugary things? Cut down on evening snacking
Sick of sitting on front of the tv? Have a walk after dinner, buy a jigsaw, start a journal......
Etc etc.....
You don't have to do things just because you feel you "should" but as long as the changes (however small) are in the direction you want to go in then that sounds pretty good!
Take care and keep posting it helps! xxx