eve123

Hi all had a v bad day yesterday well acctually had a string of them recently. My illness was all over me yesterday. Felt so lonely isolated struggling as a single mum. Just felt in a hamster wheel. No give u set pressure. My head was all over it self pity discontented etc. Not many friends or family around. My only social interaction with adults is three Aa meetings a week then it’s just me and my kids and I get so lonely and isolated. I did all kinds of things wrong yesterday indulged in anger resentments and mostly feeling sad and pathetic as iv lost so many people due to drink. Anyway felt so bad craving a drink etc. I phoned my ex who is toxic to me and had him tell me how I need to live myself and how iv ducked up my life etc same same stuff. Proceeds to tell me how everybody pities alcoholics like me and how we are so miserable that we commit sucide. Ye great thanks for that. Why why did I even turn to him he always puts me down and I feel worse. He laughs at me and looks down at me I k ow this so why did I pick up that phone??? Cos I wanted to drink that’s why, I can’t drink anymore so I turned to another addiction or bad behaviour self destructive and wrong. I tried calling my sponsor she didn’t have the time. I just wanted a conversation with an adult. Anyway I’m rambling. The point is the only thing I did right yesterday was not pick up. But I clearly see why I drank and how my emotions are unmanageable. Please tell me it gets better cos I can’t carry on in this rut. Dry drunk I just want to change soooooo much try working the steps but I still after months have days that I screw up and end up feeling pathetic needy and a mess up sorry for negitivity but I need to get this out because that voice is on my shoulder alcohol wants me bk

BullDog777

You have no idea how much you did right. There's only one way you lose your sobriety and you won the day. That's EVERYTHING.

I've pushed 99% of my friends away. My best friend for 11 years is now out of my life for good. We were like brothers. Hell, I liked him more than my brother. In the end, he was toxic and bad for me in every way.

Sometimes I miss the guy, but I know I'm better off. He wasn't a good person and terrible for my sobriety. So were most of my friends. Sometimes I get lonely too, but I know in the end, I have to do whatever it takes to stay on this path.

When it's time for a new best friend, I'm sure it'll fall in my lap.

Hang in there. You did GREAT.

Mklove

Hedd, you accomplished a lot in your restraint, glad you didn't drink. It took me a while to establish new habits after I quit, good habits I had to own because I chose to continue to live with, and socialize with alcohol everywhere. It just feels better every day after not drinking. Saves a ton of money too! Keep up the greatness.

eve123

Thank you bulldog and mklove I have to say the absolute relief I feel this morning that I didn’t press the **** it button is immense. It was a serious alcoholic head day and I’m not proud of my behaviour but I know one thing for certain had I have drank on how I felt yesterday there would be bad consequences today. I would have fired off resentful texts etc and as I can’t control what I say when intoxicated it would have been so so soul destroying. I’m making plans for today not going to drink and as you said bulldog that acctually is everything because for me to drink is insane and I can no longer cope with how destructive it is to my life. Il have to forgive myself for that phone call. Yes I was needy and not very respectful to myself but I want drunk and I didn’t say nasty things was just a bit pathetic I think. Health and healing to you both

Dee74

I'm really pleased and proud for you hedd - getting through those tougher than tough days sober is an immense step

D

Ken33xx

Well said.

tomsteve

Dry drunk I just want to change soooooo much try working the steps but I still after months have days that I screw up and end up feeling pathetic needy and a mess up sorry for negitivity but I need to get this out because that voice is on my shoulder alcohol wants me bk

firstly, good on ya,Hedd! you did something MANY people cant-
ya didnt drink even when your ass was falling off!

now, toss out the ass kicking machine. it aint going to help. you didnt want to drink, you called your sponsor, then simply made a bad choice of who to call next. IF this happens again, call more of those numbers you have from AA( you do have more numbers,right?).
its not easy breaking old habits/addictions. but look at something awesome:
you say you have days that you screw up. just days here and there and not every day- thats progress!
not drinking isnt the only thing you did right that day. theres a lot more ya did right, you just cant see it at this time.

now, about the other phone numbers of members from AA. it would be wise to use those,too. personally my sponsor made it clear he didnt want me just calling him. he wanted me calling other alcoholics,even if it was just to say hi and shoot the breeze about baseball.

have you been working on the other addictions,too?

is it going to get better?
i would say my first year was a roller coaster ride. in a closed down amusement park. and was in disrepair.
slowly but surely the roller coaster got repaired. slowly but surely everything started making sense.
slowly but surely i was recovering.

trudging the road of happy destiny can seriously suck.
well worth trudging.

now, after you have that ass kicking machine in the garbage, go look in the mirror.look right into your own eyes and tell yourself,"i love me today,warts and all."
do that every time your near a mirror.

Mklove

Hedd, the other really cool thing about sobriety is that it just feels so good to not feel sick that it begins to make sense to choose this way of life. Still fun, just not sick.

waynetheking

This is part of recovery. Finding out what works and what doesn't. One thing is for sure, drinking never works. Never. You had a hard day. It's part of it. Not all sober days are easy. Early in sobriety is difficult. Your adjusting to reality. You have to keep going. If you don't do this, alcoholism wins. You will face a lifetime of misery and possibly death from this disease. Facing a bad day square in the eye is a small price to pay for freedom of this disease. So stay the course and don't drink. There's no other choice. Acceptance is the key here. Give up the battle of trying to quit and just quit.
Glad your here, hang in there. It gets easier.