ntn7880

my dad has been abusing alcohol for most of my life, and it spiraled out of control from 2012-2016 where it had a huge strain on my parents’ marriage and it finally landed him in the hospital because he was so intoxicated that he couldn’t stand up. it was traumatizing for my mother and i, as he was very close to death and then it would just be my mom and i alone. when he came back from the hospital she made him either go to AA or see a therapist, and he chose the therapist. so technically he hadn’t gone through any programs specifically to recover from alcoholism.

he did seem to be getting better though, and he even volunteered to go to physical therapy to get his body strength back. my mom was so proud of him. but recently, he’s been acting really off and dazed and hazy. i came home from school the other day and he said “good morning” to me in a slightly slurred voice and then asked if i slept well. i played it off like it was nothing and didn’t tell my mom because i was scared and didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

but just tonight, my parents were arguing and i guess the way he was behaving seemed off to her and she started asking him if he was drinking today. my mom (and i) believe he’s been sober since he came back from the hospital last year. and it hurt my mom so much i know if it’s happening again now she will not hesitate to threaten divorce or take some kind of break if he does not agree to get help.

i don’t know if i should tell my mom about my recent past experiences of seeing my dad acting “off” because i don’t want to be the one to push everything over the edge and make my mom have an emotional breakdown and kick my dad out. and i don’t want her to know i’ve been suspecting that he may have started drinking again for a while but just hadn’t told her earlier. i want my dad to get better but he’s so angry and stubborn all the time i know he won’t wanna get help, but then he won’t be allowed to live with us anymore and i don’t want that. i’m really stuck, i will have to “betray” one of my parents either way and i love them both equally and don’t want to hurt them or see them split up. i know it seems selfish that i just don’t want them to split up, but i know they love each other dearly but if my mom makes him go away to get help he will never forgive her and she will never trust him again and i don’t want that. i’m so scared, please help!

Gottalife

I can empathise with your situation. My mother is chronic. My dad stuck with her inspite of everything up until he died. His life was not a good one, he was to afraid to leave mum alone in the house for any length of time, so in a way, his last 20 years were spent as a baysitter.

A couple of things I try to remeber, that this was not my fault, and I can't fix it - though I tried hard enough. I also try to remember that my mother is a sick person, not a bad person. Being an alcoholic isn't a crime, it is an illness.

I suggest going to have a look at the friends and family forum, and perhaps going to an Alanon meeting. There you will find friends and family can be very badly affected by the alcoholic, and ways to deal with that so your own life can be healed.

All the best

least

I think our friends and family forum would be helpful to you.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Ken0331

I grew up with both parents as alcoholics. It makes you grow up way too fast. I'm sorry you're put in this position.

It's not your fault.
You can't save him, from his drinking or the consequences of it.
You can't protect him from himself and his choices.
I doubt your mother will be mad at you; you can't be expected to make adult decisions as a child. It would be wrong for anyone to hold you to that standard.


I wish I'd went to Alanon, or Alateen growing up. Perhaps you can?

ForestFrenzy

I want to reiterate Gotta's words: this is not your fault.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and my mother would tell us that he was just "tired" when he would start fights with her and verbally and emotionally abuse us all. So for the longest time I thought it was normal behavior, only to subconsciously tell myself that my dad was unhappy and it was my fault.
This is his choice. It's terrible that others have to pay for it, too but nonetheless it's his battle to fight.
If it were me I would tell my mom all I had witnessed. In my opinion, staying with an active drinker is toxic too as it's enabling, however inadvertent.

Dee74

Hi ntn - you sound like a deeply caring and responsible young person.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

I'd like to reiterate that none of this is your fault, and nothing will be your fault even if you tell your mom about things you've seen.

Your dads actions are whats driving things here, not anything you might say.

You'll find a ton of support and understanding here, and also in our family and friends forums too

welcome to SR
D

Dropsie

Welcome.

You are strong and smart to be here.