Early sobriety - My RAH left me, why is he distancing himself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 39
Early sobriety - My RAH left me, why is he distancing himself?
I’ve become a bit of a fixture on the Family and Friends forum but thought I would reach out directly to recovering alcoholics for some insight. My husband of 18 yrs has moved out after getting sober. I believes he’s at 49 days now. I know He is a regular at AA meetings as well as CR meetings but he’s totally shut me out and to some extent our children. When he was using he had an affair, I took him back and encouraged AA as much as I could considering I was dealing with trauma of his affair and all the lies in between.
He is now living in an apt and tells me he can’t give me any answers about his timeline or the state of our relationship saying we are toxic for each other. I have been seeing a counselor, gone to my first Al-Anon mtg and plan to attend a CODA meeting this week. I know I have my own issues to work on so I will.
During his initial sobriety we were getting along so well and rebuilding love and trust, after some awful fights more recently, he withdrew. The fights were a combination of his mood swings and awful temper and my feeling insecure and neglected during his business travel and AA meetings. He cheated while on a business trip so it was a trigger for me I guess.
Other posters have said that early sobriety was a very difficult time emotionally and it’s not uncommon they withdraw. Can anyone share their insight to help me understand? I dont Want our marriage to end but his silence is deafening. 😢 Also, should I just disengage and let him be? He clearly doesn’t want to talk to me so I guess That’s a no brainer 😏
He is now living in an apt and tells me he can’t give me any answers about his timeline or the state of our relationship saying we are toxic for each other. I have been seeing a counselor, gone to my first Al-Anon mtg and plan to attend a CODA meeting this week. I know I have my own issues to work on so I will.
During his initial sobriety we were getting along so well and rebuilding love and trust, after some awful fights more recently, he withdrew. The fights were a combination of his mood swings and awful temper and my feeling insecure and neglected during his business travel and AA meetings. He cheated while on a business trip so it was a trigger for me I guess.
Other posters have said that early sobriety was a very difficult time emotionally and it’s not uncommon they withdraw. Can anyone share their insight to help me understand? I dont Want our marriage to end but his silence is deafening. 😢 Also, should I just disengage and let him be? He clearly doesn’t want to talk to me so I guess That’s a no brainer 😏
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hey. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Things were rocky with my husband and I when i was drinking alcoholically and now they have improved.
It can be as simple as just relationship problems. Maybe there are problems in the marriage that don't have anything to do with the drinking, it sounds like it was rough when he was drinking but also hard when he got sober. Unfortunately, people who will not cooperate with relationship work cannot be pushed. There's no way to convince him to stay or to make him want to work on it. I'm so sorry.
Work on yourself. What are your passions, goals, dreams? Are you financially stable? Are your affairs, your own accounts in order? Protect and take care of yourself and your dependents if he is on his own program now.
It can be as simple as just relationship problems. Maybe there are problems in the marriage that don't have anything to do with the drinking, it sounds like it was rough when he was drinking but also hard when he got sober. Unfortunately, people who will not cooperate with relationship work cannot be pushed. There's no way to convince him to stay or to make him want to work on it. I'm so sorry.
Work on yourself. What are your passions, goals, dreams? Are you financially stable? Are your affairs, your own accounts in order? Protect and take care of yourself and your dependents if he is on his own program now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 131
Maybe al anon might help? Sounds to me he’s been given advice in AA and is carrying it out in order to get sober and into recovery. That’s his support network in place and he’s acting on it; you could think about getting it stengtgening your support network if you need to? Good luck either way
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Sorry, I can't give you any advice here from my personal experience. My wife and I separated while I was still an active alcoholic and we had been divorced for a year when I decided I needed help and went to rehab. We haven't really spoken since she left, she doesn't even know yet.
I can tell you they told us in rehab not to make any major life decisions in the first year unless they were urgent and unavoidable. And those we were to bounce off a sponsor, other people with more sobriety, or those w/out substance abuse problems first.
I can't tell you what he's thinking. I can tell you what I was thinking. I may not have been drinking, but in those first few months of recovery my brain still had much healing to do.
Prayers for both you and him.
I can tell you they told us in rehab not to make any major life decisions in the first year unless they were urgent and unavoidable. And those we were to bounce off a sponsor, other people with more sobriety, or those w/out substance abuse problems first.
I can't tell you what he's thinking. I can tell you what I was thinking. I may not have been drinking, but in those first few months of recovery my brain still had much healing to do.
Prayers for both you and him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 39
Thank you all for your input and testimonies. It really really helps. Tonight my husband came to get the kids and was very cordial, however, he looked very bad. Bags under his eyes, skin color looked weird. I was kind and friendly but did not engage. It was my wake up call that he is struggling. I will continue to give him space and detach with love. There’s nothing else I can do.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
This aint your fault. He sounds incredibly selfish, and that with the temper issue tells me he is not recovering, but still suffering from untreated alcoholism. You have done everything you can. Hopefully he will eventually see that there is more to recovery than sitting in a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Jewelstar 
Thank you all for your input and testimonies. It really really helps. Tonight my husband came to get the kids and was very cordial, however, he looked very bad. Bags under his eyes, skin color looked weird. I was kind and friendly but did not engage. It was my wake up call that he is struggling. I will continue to give him space and detach with love. There’s nothing else I can do.
I think giving him space and detaching is a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Jewelstar
I’ve become a bit of a fixture on the Family and Friends forum but thought I would reach out directly to recovering alcoholics for some insight. My husband of 18 yrs has moved out after getting sober. I believes he’s at 49 days now. I know He is a regular at AA meetings as well as CR meetings but he’s totally shut me out and to some extent our children. When he was using he had an affair, I took him back and encouraged AA as much as I could considering I was dealing with trauma of his affair and all the lies in between.
He is now living in an apt and tells me he can’t give me any answers about his timeline or the state of our relationship saying we are toxic for each other. I have been seeing a counselor, gone to my first Al-Anon mtg and plan to attend a CODA meeting this week. I know I have my own issues to work on so I will.
During his initial sobriety we were getting along so well and rebuilding love and trust, after some awful fights more recently, he withdrew. The fights were a combination of his mood swings and awful temper and my feeling insecure and neglected during his business travel and AA meetings. He cheated while on a business trip so it was a trigger for me I guess.
Other posters have said that early sobriety was a very difficult time emotionally and it’s not uncommon they withdraw. Can anyone share their insight to help me understand? I dont Want our marriage to end but his silence is deafening. 😢 Also, should I just disengage and let him be? He clearly doesn’t want to talk to me so I guess That’s a no brainer 😏
He is now living in an apt and tells me he can’t give me any answers about his timeline or the state of our relationship saying we are toxic for each other. I have been seeing a counselor, gone to my first Al-Anon mtg and plan to attend a CODA meeting this week. I know I have my own issues to work on so I will.
During his initial sobriety we were getting along so well and rebuilding love and trust, after some awful fights more recently, he withdrew. The fights were a combination of his mood swings and awful temper and my feeling insecure and neglected during his business travel and AA meetings. He cheated while on a business trip so it was a trigger for me I guess.
Other posters have said that early sobriety was a very difficult time emotionally and it’s not uncommon they withdraw. Can anyone share their insight to help me understand? I dont Want our marriage to end but his silence is deafening. 😢 Also, should I just disengage and let him be? He clearly doesn’t want to talk to me so I guess That’s a no brainer 😏
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