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The Denial Runs Mind Boggingly Deep

Old 01-21-2018, 09:40 PM
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There been some great advice and responses here and, although I'm
sorry you've been struggling, it's great you made it back here pancakes888

D
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Old 01-21-2018, 10:01 PM
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How do you expect to make sober friends when you sit at home by yourself every day of the week but Sunday?
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Old 01-22-2018, 05:41 AM
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BB,

Hmm. Okay... I agree with said flaw in plan.

Thanks for the tip! I will definitely try that next Sunday.

I didn't get any numbers nor did I talk to anyone... I helped put chairs away at the end of the meeting, said "thanks" to the facilitator, then left. I have social anxiety (yet another reason I drank) so that stuff doesn't come easy for me but I will try.

:-)
P
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Old 01-22-2018, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Ken0331 View Post
How do you expect to make sober friends when you sit at home by yourself every day of the week but Sunday?
Fair point, Ken. As noted to BB just now, I have social anxiety. But I will definitely try out her tip next weekend of coming early to help set up, and staying after to dismantle.

If you have any other tips for meeting sober friends, I'd welcome them too. :-)
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Old 01-22-2018, 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted by 888 pancakes View Post

I didn't get any numbers nor did I talk to anyone... I helped put chairs away at the end of the meeting, said "thanks" to the facilitator, then left. I have social anxiety (yet another reason I drank) so that stuff doesn't come easy for me but I will try.
P
good for trying.
if you want to get out from under youre going to have to step out of the comfort zone youve built up over the years.
on that social anxiety- is that a self diagnosis or professionally diagnosed?
i didnt hear that or think of it when i got sober. what i did hear and think about was lot self esteem- i was afraid of what others thought of me and what i thought others thought of me wasnt too pleasant.
that caused me not to like being around people much without mind and/or mood altering chemicals in me.
even then, i didnt like myself much.

hope ya like the next meeting, which i hope ya dont wait for next sunday for it.

and good on ya for helpin put chairs away.

as for meeting tips- youre going to a meeting of people just like you. listen for similarities and not differences. listen to the thinking thing .
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Old 01-22-2018, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
good for trying.
if you want to get out from under youre going to have to step out of the comfort zone youve built up over the years.
on that social anxiety- is that a self diagnosis or professionally diagnosed?
i didnt hear that or think of it when i got sober. what i did hear and think about was lot self esteem- i was afraid of what others thought of me and what i thought others thought of me wasnt too pleasant.
that caused me not to like being around people much without mind and/or mood altering chemicals in me.
even then, i didnt like myself much.

hope ya like the next meeting, which i hope ya dont wait for next sunday for it.

and good on ya for helpin put chairs away.

as for meeting tips- youre going to a meeting of people just like you. listen for similarities and not differences. listen to the thinking thing .
Thanks for this. I'll keep this in mind for sure.

I've been formally diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder (and yeah, also social anxiety). Also went through 4 years of my life with severe panic disorder and agoraphobia. All life long struggles. Was self-medicating all of the above with alcohol, weed and benzos.

The good news?? On day 21 and my moods are feeling waaaaaayyy more stable than ever. I'll start stepping out of my comfort zone slowly but surely as the days build up and as the weather improves in this town (Jan and Feb are hibernating months even for folks without issues and introversion ;-))

Thanks again!
P
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Old 01-22-2018, 06:55 AM
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Are you taking any medication for your depression/social anxiety/panic? Are you still seeing a psychiatrist? I found that after I stopped drinking that dealing with my underlying bipolar disorder was a huge part in remaining sober.

I'm an extreme extrovert and found it difficult to get comfortable at my early AA meetings. What you're experiencing is not pathological or even uncommon. It's totally fine to be quiet and listen for a time....eventually you'll organically and increasingly interact with people. Give yourself the space to be shy and allow yourself time to get comfortable. Also remember that you can always pass if it's your turn to share and nobody will judge you. We've all been there!
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Old 01-22-2018, 07:05 AM
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Thanks for this, mindfulman. I'm taking a very small dose of an antidepressant, too small for it to be therapeutic (it's also an antihistamine so I use it for that since I have a cat I'm allergic to).

That's all I'm taking right now. Ideally don't want to go back up on it. Spent years weaning down on it.

Thanks for the take on the AA meetings, from an extrovert's perspective. Good to know!!
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Old 01-22-2018, 09:45 AM
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[QUOTEI guess my question is, there HAS to be a part of her that KNOWS she has a serious problem and that she's on a path toward complete annihilation. [/QUOTE]

Denial and rationalization are major components of addiction. I knew I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable but I never thought I was an alcoholic. I drank a magnum of wine daily for years, was a blackout drinker, had bruises, lost jobs and didn't think I was an alcoholic. Finally I came within a hair's breath of dying (overdosed in a blackout) and finally got it. I'm an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a mental illness and it's pointless for non-alcoholics to try to figure them out using rational thinking.
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Old 01-22-2018, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by 888 pancakes View Post
If you have any other tips for meeting sober friends, I'd welcome them too. :-)
You could try what everyone else does in life, introduce yourself.

Walk up to someone, extend your hand and say, "Hi I'm 888 pancakes, and I'm new here. I'm feeling a little uncomfortable, but I wanted to say hello to someone."

I know every meeting I ever attended, no matter where or what group, always asked if there was anyone new there tonight. Did they do that? Did you say you were?


Also, if you've got Dx'd mental health issues, I really suggest going back to your doctor/therapist and tell them you've stopped drinking again and the anxiety (or other issues) have returned. You don't have to do this alone, and regardless of certain people's opinion on medication in the rooms of AA, its something you may need. Don't try to do the doctor's job. Let him/her do that. You do yours and go make an appointment.
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Old 01-22-2018, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Ken0331 View Post
You could try what everyone else does in life, introduce yourself.

Walk up to someone, extend your hand and say, "Hi I'm 888 pancakes, and I'm new here. I'm feeling a little uncomfortable, but I wanted to say hello to someone."

I know every meeting I ever attended, no matter where or what group, always asked if there was anyone new there tonight. Did they do that? Did you say you were?


Also, if you've got Dx'd mental health issues, I really suggest going back to your doctor/therapist and tell them you've stopped drinking again and the anxiety (or other issues) have returned. You don't have to do this alone, and regardless of certain people's opinion on medication in the rooms of AA, its something you may need. Don't try to do the doctor's job. Let him/her do that. You do yours and go make an appointment.
Thanks for this. I appreciate your straight shootin style. 👍🏻 I will definitely consider all that.
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Old 01-22-2018, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
[QUOTEI guess my question is, there HAS to be a part of her that KNOWS she has a serious problem and that she's on a path toward complete annihilation.
Denial and rationalization are major components of addiction. I knew I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable but I never thought I was an alcoholic. I drank a magnum of wine daily for years, was a blackout drinker, had bruises, lost jobs and didn't think I was an alcoholic. Finally I came within a hair's breath of dying (overdosed in a blackout) and finally got it. I'm an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a mental illness and it's pointless for non-alcoholics to try to figure them out using rational thinking.[/QUOTE]

You’re right denial and rationalization are a huge part of addiction. I just wish (futilely of course) that she would “wake up” because I miss her. Pathetic but true. 💔
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Old 01-22-2018, 06:30 PM
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I feel like I want to give you a really profound response but brain is bad today 😂 so instead I wanted to say congrats on your sober days and I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex. That must be very difficult. My partner was in your position (though thankfully not to the same degree) and worried about my drinking but I'd just push him away any time he brought it up. Now I see it for what it was and I'm glad he stuck by me and tried to get me to stop even though that change had to come from within (it's a bitch like that).

You did the right thing for you mental health and thinking of her in similar turns to your own problems with alcohol is probably the best way to perceive it as both are bad for you and best avoided.
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Old 01-22-2018, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by 888 pancakes View Post
You’re right denial and rationalization are a huge part of addiction. I just wish (futilely of course) that she would “wake up” because I miss her. Pathetic but true. 💔
Of course you do. I'd also wager a lot of people wished you'd "wake up", too.

You did, she didn't. That's how these things go sometimes. "But for the grace of God go I," is sometimes the best we can come up with.

But imagine by staying in that shi++y relationship you are passing up any opportunity of being available for that healthy one that could - and probably will - present itself later in life.
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Old 01-24-2018, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Ken0331 View Post
Of course you do. I'd also wager a lot of people wished you'd "wake up", too.

You did, she didn't. That's how these things go sometimes. "But for the grace of God go I," is sometimes the best we can come up with.

But imagine by staying in that shi++y relationship you are passing up any opportunity of being available for that healthy one that could - and probably will - present itself later in life.
Thanks for this, Ken. All true. I look forward to having an actual healthy *real* relationship with someone else, down the road. Something that couldn't happen if I stayed with her.

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