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A phonecall

Old 01-20-2018, 09:28 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Been reading for a few months and just started posting. I logged on today with the intention of explaining this same situation. I too have a large and close family on both sides of my marriage. We get together every week for dinner (once for each side). There are also additional gatherings as we all have common friends. Alcohol is ALWAYS present. I was sober for 12 months a few years ago and it seemed to be a topic of discussion every time we got together. "Why? How long? When will you drink again?"(At 44 I looked like I was 30, pretty good reason not to drink). Even my wife now doesn't understand when I say I can never drink again. I often get a frown in response or a "Well you just need to drink less". She feels I will not like her company if I do not drink. Some of my family members have been my closest friends for 47 years.
I can no longer live that life. They do not understand. It's like they need ME to drink. Now I know alcohol cannot be part of my life, I have changes to make for me.
Be true to yourself. I think most would also like to quit or moderate and our personal strength reflects poorly on them.
I wish you well and continued focus. You are making the better choice.
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Old 01-20-2018, 11:38 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Like others here I too have family members who cannot understand why I can never drink again, that all it takes is one drink and I'll end up binge drinking and getting drunk then its back to being ill for a week while I try and dry out.

My father is the worst, he and I have almost come to blows in the past and have had full blown arguments when I'd previously tried stopping drinking. His attitude is a man is not a man unless he drinks - he's actually said that (and worse) to me. But my father can stop at a couple of drinks and his view is that if he can do it then anyone can do it. In the end I just accepted he has his views and while I can't change him I can just accept that is the way he is. But I do sometimes still get annoyed when he asks if I'm still not drinking. Not because he's asking as such but because when he does he then starts talking about how one drink won't hurt me and I feel sometimes like I'm talking to a brick wall. He'll then try and get the rest of the conversation around to drinking. I guess he's just looking for a reaction from me, hence why we nearly came to blows once.

Thankfully everyone else in my family and even most of my friends have been, while I wouldn't say all of them have been totally supportive, most know that for the sake of my health I have to keep off alcohol. I just wish my father would get that message.
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Old 01-20-2018, 12:49 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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In early recovery I used to think that my ex heavy drinking pals were just trying to pull me back down,some kind of conspiracy to keep me in misery. I learned through experience that is not true at all. Donít get me wrong I knew the kind of guy who took pride in getting others wasted but most of them were just trying to have a laugh with like minded people, ie other drinkers.

I found out that my problem drinking is my problem, the other heavy drinkers didnít want to stop, didnít see it as a problem and were prepared to face any consequences or make lifestyle changes if necessary. Sure they might all be in denial but thatís what they believed. Point is if I think Iíve got a problem, Iíve git a problem but donít expect others that follow a similar lifestyle to see it as a problem as it isnít for them.

Hope that helps?
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Old 01-20-2018, 11:56 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Finalround View Post
Been reading for a few months and just started posting. I logged on today with the intention of explaining this same situation. I too have a large and close family on both sides of my marriage. We get together every week for dinner (once for each side). There are also additional gatherings as we all have common friends. Alcohol is ALWAYS present. I was sober for 12 months a few years ago and it seemed to be a topic of discussion every time we got together. "Why? How long? When will you drink again?"(At 44 I looked like I was 30, pretty good reason not to drink). Even my wife now doesn't understand when I say I can never drink again. I often get a frown in response or a "Well you just need to drink less". She feels I will not like her company if I do not drink. Some of my family members have been my closest friends for 47 years.
I can no longer live that life. They do not understand. It's like they need ME to drink. Now I know alcohol cannot be part of my life, I have changes to make for me.
Be true to yourself. I think most would also like to quit or moderate and our personal strength reflects poorly on them.
I wish you well and continued focus. You are making the better choice.
Hey thanks for posting. That old chestnut people say to me also 'well you just need to drink less' haha well obviously, people don't understand for some we can't drink less, drinking less once I start is not an option. Another one I get is 'it's because you mix your drinks' yes I mix my drink because they are in my reach, if I can reach them I drink them without a second thought. Like a human alcohol disposal. I think in the last few years especially I have never ever planned to get blackout drunk, I always begin with saying okay I'll just have 2/3 glasses then once I run out I'm over to the shops like a whippet without hesitation.

Best choice now, don't start! I never have to make those mistakes again and thats comforting. Hopefully the people around me will just accept I'm a non drinker after some time and stop asking.
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Old 01-21-2018, 12:02 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Basically I received the opposite reaction: nobody questioned why I had stopped.

It was apparent to all I had a drinking problem.
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Old 01-21-2018, 12:10 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by EliL View Post
In early recovery I used to think that my ex heavy drinking pals were just trying to pull me back down,some kind of conspiracy to keep me in misery. I learned through experience that is not true at all. Donít get me wrong I knew the kind of guy who took pride in getting others wasted but most of them were just trying to have a laugh with like minded people, ie other drinkers.

I found out that my problem drinking is my problem, the other heavy drinkers didnít want to stop, didnít see it as a problem and were prepared to face any consequences or make lifestyle changes if necessary. Sure they might all be in denial but thatís what they believed. Point is if I think Iíve got a problem, Iíve git a problem but donít expect others that follow a similar lifestyle to see it as a problem as it isnít for them.

Hope that helps?
Yeah I think I get what your saying. It is 100% my problem, I don't think any of my friends have a problems with alcohol they seem to enjoy their night and move on the next day. I would still be up rattling about the house drinking or being sick.
And that's where the lack of understanding comes in with friends/family because none of them see that and iv never told them. Again my problem and possibly shame to admit it to anyone.
My family possibly have problems with alcohol they do drink alot, iv grown up with it around me. It's funny it's not something we speak much about.

I'm hoping with time I'm just accepted as a non drinker and that's all there is to it.
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Old 01-21-2018, 12:23 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Robbie64 View Post
Like others here I too have family members who cannot understand why I can never drink again, that all it takes is one drink and I'll end up binge drinking and getting drunk then its back to being ill for a week while I try and dry out.

My father is the worst, he and I have almost come to blows in the past and have had full blown arguments when I'd previously tried stopping drinking. His attitude is a man is not a man unless he drinks - he's actually said that (and worse) to me. But my father can stop at a couple of drinks and his view is that if he can do it then anyone can do it. In the end I just accepted he has his views and while I can't change him I can just accept that is the way he is. But I do sometimes still get annoyed when he asks if I'm still not drinking. Not because he's asking as such but because when he does he then starts talking about how one drink won't hurt me and I feel sometimes like I'm talking to a brick wall. He'll then try and get the rest of the conversation around to drinking. I guess he's just looking for a reaction from me, hence why we nearly came to blows once.

Thankfully everyone else in my family and even most of my friends have been, while I wouldn't say all of them have been totally supportive, most know that for the sake of my health I have to keep off alcohol. I just wish my father would get that message.
Wow that's an intense reaction from your father well done to you for sticking to your guns aswell that can't be easy. Sounds like your father has very strong views on what's is expected from being male. Slightly old fashioned thinking but that's his views I suppose. Just like this older family friends calling me a whimp lol I have to laugh now at that comment iv never been called a whimp before, this is the same guys who wedding reception I ruined by being a drunken idiot at. I live in Scotland, drinking culture here is very normal.
I hope you and your father find common ground.
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Old 01-21-2018, 12:41 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lpg View Post
Wow that's an intense reaction from your father well done to you for sticking to your guns aswell that can't be easy. Sounds like your father has very strong views on what's is expected from being male. Slightly old fashioned thinking but that's his views I suppose. Just like this older family friends calling me a whimp lol I have to laugh now at that comment iv never been called a whimp before, this is the same guys who wedding reception I ruined by being a drunken idiot at. I live in Scotland, drinking culture here is very normal.
I hope you and your father find common ground.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, my father has very strong views about just about everything and tries to impose his will on other people. Since he and I had our fallouts a little while back he has mellowed somewhat but he still has his moments! I've just learned to, as much as possible, ignore him when he starts trying to wind me up.

I live south of the border, in the north east of England. That drinking culture is just as strong here!
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