Rob762

Yeah you're absolutely right. I've been here many times before. I get through the withdrawals and then will myself into overcompensating, only to flame out after a few weeks. Hit a wall and get the "now what" syndrome because I don't have a plan. I like to deny that I'm depressed but I guess I really am. Probably more like bipolar, which would explain the crazy swing in this thread.

I've lurked here long enough to know this isn't the norm. The crazy over the top thread title was never intended to draw this kind of reaction. At the time I never thought I'd be around to see a single response. But the responses were immediate even at 3:30 in the morning. I never even had a chance to put my phone down. A few great souls here and some divine intervention saved my life, I'm sure of it. I was ready to finish off what I had left and hope to not wake up.

Many people on here tend to reach out for help only to disappear permanently or return later with their story of relapse. Hopefully I won't be one of those people. I'm good now, but this time I'm going to have a plan for that three-week mark. Thanks for the great advice and reminder.

Rob762

And by no means was that a slight to the folks who return with their story of relapse. If nothing else it's an example of inner strength and determination to continue the fight. Who am I, I've relapsed more times than I can remember and didn't even have the balls to join until I thought I was dead.

Dropsie

I loved this D4T:

My life is amazing, I have the same job at the same salary and only material thing I have done is pay off a bunch of debt. But my life is "beyond my wildest dreams." Because I got my soul back. I have peace and serenity. I have my integrity back and I have true friends and loved ones in my life.

----

I have been having a hard time with life lately and really started to realise that although I don't drink I have found a lot of other ways to make myself miserable.

And then it hit me, exactly what D4T said, the quality of my life is solely about how I experience it. I have been experiencing my life through fear, self critisism and shame, but the same life lived with love, peace and happiness is heaven on earth.

And its all up to me. Simple but not easy. And I have come to believe that the universe really wants to help and to be asked for help. But for any of it to work, first you have to love yourself, which is sooooo hard. So today I asked the universe to help me love myself, and to take actions that support that, which I can now see really is possible. Without the drink. Only without the drink.

This is where we all need to move. Where D4T is, the lucky thing. Finding our own way to live our lives with love, peace, and happiness. How we get there will be different, but the destination is the same.

I know it all sounds so cliche, but for me it has been such a long journey.

I am so happy for you Rob. We got this.

soupcon

So what is your plan? Rehab? Therapy? AA or another program? What will make it different this time when you want a drink? Perhaps you may need medication and treatment for your possible bipolar disorder as well?

FBL

Keep it up, Rob! Recovery done right is an awesome journey.

Rob762

Well great question. Don't need rehab, I have more help and support at my fingertips than any rehab facility could offer other than a drastic change of scenery. Therapy? Most definitely, I'm a veteran and I actually have a scheduled appt. with a VA counselor in a few weeks. I was scheduled on the 15th but they canceled on me due to weather. Finally AA. I have always been reluctant but by weeks end I will attend my first meeting. There are around 200 groups around here so I am trying to narrow down the list a little.

The bipolar thing is a cop out. I can't claim that because I haven't been sober for a long enough stretch to use that as an excuse. It's just the booze and what it does. A slow 20 year progression of brain alteration and it needs to be re-wired. I imagine it will take years. I know I seem overly confident but believe me I am scared to death. I just get my confidence from the fact that I know I have seen my rock bottom.

Rob762

Just to clarify since I can't edit. I realize the 20 year thing may seem contradictory from what I mentioned about life events in short order. It's really only been about the last 5 or so that have been extreme. I just meant the process downhill started 20 years ago with that one 24 oz beer after work while I explored the www on my brand new 386 computer with the 14.4 bps modem on aol lol. I could make that 24 last all night long, then I had to go and ruin it.

Ken0331

Proud of you, brother.

Yeah, starting with the doctors is always a good start. Those were the first ones I started getting honest with, after I got honest with myself.

I've found tremendous help and support in the rooms of AA. Some like it, some don't. Thing about AA is nothing more is required to be at a meeting is "a desire to stop drinking." Well, I guess at a men's-only meeting you need more than that, and at a women's-only, not that. But hey, I've joked I can choose identify as Kendra today and go to one, right?

But some go, take what they need and leave the rest. Everything there is simply a suggestion, anyway.

Semper Fi, brother. Reach out to me if you need it. PM me & I'll send you my phone # if'n ya wanna talk. Been there, brother.

Obladi

Looking forward to reading about the AA meeting. I was also reluctant but found they got amazingly good once I was open to them.

Ken0331

You know how to find the listing of AA meetings in your area?

Rob762

Yes sir. The hospital included a packet listing them all, I also found them online. There is actually one on the road I live on about 2 miles away. Looks like they meet tomorrow night. I decided to go back to work tomorrow but I should be able to make it. If not I might try the one at the AA central office on Friday.

Ken0331

Cool.

But don't call me sir, I work for a living.

Obladi

Hey Rob,

What's up?

Rob762

Hey thanks for asking. Iv'e been doing really good, almost too good. 13 days in now. Enjoying being back to work, finding new ways to keep balance in everyday life. I started having trouble sleeping so I went back to taking Trazodone and not having that problem anymore. Makes me groggy in the morning and a little dehydrated, I just have to put down a bottle of water with it.

I have not made it to a meeting as of yet, my days have been so full and the AV has been pretty quiet. I have had my moments, but I usually eat when they come on. I have gained 10 lbs since I quit, but it's actually just getting back to my normal sober weight. 213 lbs as of tonight but at 6' 2" it's fairly normal. As long as I stay active I should level off and stay around 215. I was only eating about once a day at the end there and that was a meager portion.

Still wary of that dreaded 3 week mark I always fail at. I'm just going to try and focus on positive thoughts and if I feel like I'm in trouble I will reach out. I realize that's a slippery slope but it's different this time.

Hope you are hanging in there. I owe you one so if you're having a crappy day don't hesitate to get in touch. I'll do my best to transfer some of my positive energy your way.

AAPJ

If you are still thinking of AA may I offer a suggestion based on my experience?

200 AA groups is great. You have a lot of choices. But looking at a list isn't going to help a lot. Meetings have their own personality. You just have to go to the meeting(s) to find out if it fits you.

Yesterday I went to a meeting and sat next to an old timer I know who has 37 years of sobriety. We have known each other for a couple of years now. I like him but we are very different in some ways. He does not like my favorite meeting. I'm not a big fan of his favorite meeting. But other meetings work for both of us.

I attended hundreds of AA meetings in my first year. Based on my experience 70% of the meetings are good, 25% of the meetings are great and 5% of the meetings suck. YMMV.

I wish you a successful recovery whatever path you choose.

Ken0331

Agreed.

I think that's among the reasons why rehabs tell us to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. Not the only one, but to do it you really have to find different meetings to make that happen.

In my area, there's an average of 20 different AA meetings every day within maybe a 20-30 minute drive. Think I counted up I'd attended almost 20 different groups my first 6 months, all the way from a Young People's meeting (went there with a new, young person from my home group), to men's only, and one that looked like just old men.

Some I enjoyed more than others, but I've never been to one and thought, "I should've just stayed home & watched tv."

soberandhonest

Fixed your sentence for you.

Keep it up Rob. There are lots of us reading along and cheering for you!

Ken0331

There sure are!

Rob762

We share a common bond Ken..my life is also not complete without a dog in it. They go way too soon but the fix is getting another one. They live their life waiting for you to get home to give you their unconditional love and it's the best therapy there is. Obladi needs to follow through with her gut instinct and get one. I won't try and persuade her on a breed, but the black mouth cur is the best dog on the planet. Just sayin'

She would probably have a hard time finding one up north, they are a southern dog but possible. Medium size, friendly with kids and cats, protective and loyal. I would love to post a few pics of my baby girl but the file size limitation is a bit ridiculous.

Had a great day again, started early and got done early. Nice day here, nothing to complain about. Set to get my grub on...thanks for ya'lls kind words of support and encouragement. I got this, I'm not letting anyone down. I still have everything I need in life and I'm going to keep and cherish every bit of it. Long way to go, but it's a really good start. If my story can inspire anybody else here it would make it that much sweeter, even just one person.

Dropsie

So glad you are doing so well!