Mercedes5555

I am beyond perplexed. I have been married for 15 years and was supportive but I will admit resentful that my husband didn’t tell me he had a problem with alcohol. I found out a month after our wedding because I wanted to celebrate our first month and he did not remember the day and I was saddened. He took off for 3 days and I did not hear from him until the police called me to tell me he was arrested. Rude awakening but I stood by him and although I did all the “do not do”, I only wanted that he stop drinking. He went to rehab, he did the AA meetings and after 8 years he did stop but for 6 years only. He started again 2 years ago and I couldn’t stand it anymore and I kicked him out. He went to live with his mother and all of a sudden I was the only cause of his drinking and his family is the loving and understanding family he always had but because of me they stayed away. And that I am the one with control issues. I gave him the space he so rudely requested. It’s been 4 months and a roller coaster ride of rejection and false hope that he will stop. I hadn’t spoken to him for 3 weeks and I called to find out where does our relationship stand. But this weekend he decided to no longer speak to me. I had been hanging on waiting and hoping. I guess I must give up but it’s so painful. I am 53 years old and I didn’t foresee this happening. The only thing I can think of is how wrong I was in thinking he ever loved me. I feel so alone and can’t understand how he can be so cold.

LateBloominCait

He may tell you that his family is the loving supportive one and that you are not but he is lying. The reality is that his family is enabling him to continue to drink. They don't set proper boundaries with him and he is able to do as he pleases which seems to be to continue to drink and drink.

You, on the other hand, have set very reasonable boundaries with him. You have wisely stuck to them. The alcoholism drives him to seek out people who don't get in the way of him and the bottle. In reality, you are being more supportive and are maintaining your boundaries because you love yourself as well as him and you need to protect yourself first. That is the right thing to do. You don't have "control issues" you have healthy boundaries.

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. He probably does love you very much, but his addiction is demanding alcohol be the priority over anyone or anything. It seems like you have done your homework and you know this intellectually, but I know it can still hurt terribly.

You might consider checking out an al-anon meeting if you haven't been to one before. I'm sure you could use support right now because while you've been taking care of your husband, who has been taking care of you? If nothing else, it will be a conversation with people who truly know what you're going through from experience. Hugs to you.

Mercedes5555

Thank you for your response. It is comforting. I can’t sleep and even if I do I dream of him. I do not have any children and that makes me feel so alone. I have been so set on saving my marriage but as the months go on, I feel lost. I look to this forum in hopes others who have survived may give me words of wisdom. I have tried Al-Anon but the members only vent their concerns but do not offer any comments at all. I may misunderstand Al-Anon but I was hoping they would give insight as to what is going on. I am not looking for advise on what to do but I want some explanation of the insanity.

trailmix

Hi Mercedes and welcome, sorry for what brings you here.

There is a lot of information on this site and you might want to start by visiting the friends and family forum and reading the posts there and also the stickies at the top of the forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

There is also a lot of support

NYCDoglvr

It's impossible to comprehend the alcoholic using rational thinking. Alcoholism is a mental illness characterized by obsession with alcohol to the point of being incapable of healthy relationships. I suggest Alanon, which taught me I'm powerless over the alcoholic and his/her disease and letting go can save your sanity.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. I think the explanation of the insanity is addiction/alcoholism. That's it. I think it's more important for you to begin taking care of yourself. AlAnon is a good option, as is therapy to help you come to terms with what has happened.

I hope that you find some peace.

Obladi

Mercedes,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

As others have said, I understand that you want to look for an explanation. The sad truth is that we alcoholics can't explain the insanity any more than you can. We have a problem that defies explanation.

What I can tell you is that it's not about you. You're not at fault in any way; there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. It's a selfish and awful thing, addiction.

If you didn't like the Al-Anon meeting(s) you attended, try others. Each meeting is unique and I think/hope you can find one that fits if only you look hard enough.

O

Mercedes5555

Although I am told and I read that it’s not me, I think I get it. It’s the sickness and I have compassion for him more than some of my family members can comprehend. But doesn’t he remember the years of loving each other and of all the support I gave him and all I ever wanted is that he stop drinking. He did stop and I just want him to do it again. It’s been 4 months that we separated and I am told to move on. I can’t give up hope. I had hope for 15 years that he would stay sober and how do I stop hoping? He wasn’t ever abusive, he never raised his voice at me and that’s why he claims to resent me for kicking him out. He tries to make me feel guilty that he never thought I would abandon him. But he abandoned me when he picked up the first drink after 6 years of sobriety. All I know this is so painful. I want him sober and I want him back home.

AlericB

I think you're right to say that your husband abandoned you when he picked up again. You are entitled to a commitment from him that he will never drink again .

I was able to give this commitment to my own wife at the very doors of a divorce court. I took responsibility for my drinking and quit for good. What enabled me to do this was the model used by AVRT which is described with great clarity in many of the threads in the Secular Connections forum. It may be worth seeing what you think about this approach.

I never stopped loving my wife btw while I was drinking. It was just that I couldn't show her this until I knew how to get a grip on my problem.

Mercedes5555

Thank you so much. I have been heartbroken more because I felt as if the 15 years was a lie that he never really loved me. I don’t want to give up on him. If I may ask, should I continue not contacting him since he has made it clear he doesn’t want me to. He has blocked me by all means of communication and I have been so crushed. But I believe in miracles and strongly feel he will come home.

AlericB

Mercedes,

I usually don't like being directional and I'm not saying that my suggestion is the right one for you but I can identify with your experience, from your husband's point of view, and I would like to say something concrete to you. I would encourage you to read the first post, which is actually a letter that someone wrote to a friend of his, with their name removed, to describe how he experienced his drinking problem and it's solution, of the thread here;
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ined-long.html

If it seems to make sense to you, you could consider writing your own letter to your husband and include a printout of this letter to see if he can also relate to it.

From my own personal experience, please do not assume that he doesn't love you. He may simply be avoiding you in order to drink.

Mercedes5555

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

ScottFromWI

I would say you should focus on what is best for you at this point. It's evident that even in his absence he is controlling your thoughts and actions, and that's not good for you at all. You need to at least prepare yourself for the possibility that he will never give up drinking or seek real help for his addiction, because that is the reality for some unfortunately.

It's also very important for you to know that none of this is your fault, and also that there usually are no answers to "why" people continue to be actively addicted. Many addicts themselves realize they have a problem and try for years to figure out why instead of just accepting it and fixing it. That's what support groups can help you do - learn to accept that his addiction is his problem to deal with, not yours. You can certainly offer support if asked, but trying to "control" it or basing your hopes on the actions of others is usually a recipe for sorrow and pain.

tomsteve

please visit the friends and families of alcoholics forum we have here. a LOt of experience from people in your shoes.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest the "Frends and Family" thread: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

No, don't contact him but focus on your own recovery.

Mercedes5555

I am grateful for all the words of wisdom you all share. I can only imagine the pain you all are too familiar with to have gained such knowledge. I am aware that he may never stop drinking. It breaks my heart and I can only wish he realize that he should stop.

Ginalee

Mercedes, I'm in the exact position that you're in. I love my husband very much but he has made his choice.

They chose alcohol over everything else. To me that says, we are no longer needed or wanted. That's very painful to accept but accept it you must for your own emotional freedom. I have no interest at all in a man that doesn't want to be with me more than he wants to drink. The very idea of being with someone like that makes me want to drink.

He's told me a few alkie lies about loving me and missing me and how sorry he is for all the drama and pain he's caused me. I say bull sh!t. Not one word has he said about recovery. He said he's treating his problem with "work" . He's living with a alkie friend and his family and being a third wheel to an already alcohol damaged situation. In my opinion these men are selfish immature cowards with a huge dose of self pity and don't give a damn.

Do not feel sorry for them. It doesn't help. You have been given excellent advice by these long suffering people. Take it. There is nothing else you can do.

I did the whole codie routine. All by email mind you, sending self help crap inspirational thought's loving messages. Nothing will work but they will try manipulation on you. It's exhausting and i started to feel , STUPID. I eventually started cursing his as$ out. He responded to that for some reason.

Leave him to finish his downward spiral. My A crashed four cars, constantly lied verbally abused me and only God knows what else. For five years together he was a very good man. That's why i tolerated the last three as he became a part time demon from hell. Be grateful he's gone. It was a gift.

JeffreyAK

This sounds exactly right to me. We obviously don't know all the dynamics involved, but this would be standard behavior for an addict - hate for the people trying to help, love for the people who enable continuation of the addiction. He might or might not come around to a clearer view of reality, but only if he stops drinking, and that will have to come from him - and it might never come, unfortunately all you can do is take care of yourself.

Mercedes5555

I know what you say is true. I am better off that he’s not with me in his drinking frenzy. It definitely was not pleasant each day wondering if he drank and only to be disappointed when I confirmed he had. I guess I am naive in thinking that he stopped once before and he could do it again. He was never abusive with me. I cannot imagine how painful it is for those who have been subject to either verbal or physical abuse. I am grateful I never endured either kind of abuse. The lying part yes but only about drinking other than that he had been honest with me. I miss him and it is difficult for me to accept that he doesn’t miss me. We didn’t fight other than about the drinking. I kicked him out because I hit rock bottom in accepting it over and over again. I was always hoping he would seek recovery. I still do hope.

Berrybean

Mercedes, when I was drinking I didn't love myself, and wasn't really capable of loving anyone else. People were just there and they served my purposes or they didnt. If anyone had tried to stop me drinking, or question it, then they were the enemy (in my head). My best and most valued friends were other people who drank like me. I didn't trust them as far as I could throw them. They were as incapable as love as me.

Nowadays I truly do believe that Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Do you think he's capable of that? While he's drinking? And noone can make him stop, or want to stop. He has to come to that realisation for himself, the same as the rest of us. Nothing anyone does can speed that along apart from walking away from the alcoholic and let them feel the consequences of their drinking. It is sad. But not as sad as people who deserve better putting up with their behaviour indefinitely and unwittingly enabling the alcoholic to dig themselves in deeper.

I hope you will give yourself the life you deserve, with others who are capable of loving you back, as they are now.

One thing that I've heard a few times on the friend and family of alcoholic subforum here is "once someone shows you what they're like, believe them." I suggest that you do that. You deserve better. Everyone does.

BB