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Old 01-09-2018, 01:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Will I ever get better?


Iíve been sober for over a year (391 days). But I still am tempted to just give up on everything Iíve worked so hard for (my sobriety). I am having a hard time believing deep down that the shell of a person that was left behind after sobering up is worth all this work. Iíve becone so incredibly boring! Not to glamorize drinking- I was boring then too but all I do these days is work on myself- I canít seem to enjoy going out with anyone like I used to because I have to keep a closer eye on myself to make sure I donít have so much fun that I give up on staying sober. It was horrible that first month I remember not thinking I could do it and looking back Iím so proud that I have made it past one year.

But I canít stand how I donít get to have fun like I used to. Iíve been boring. Iím very grateful Iíve done a lot of things since getting sober but things like paying off credit cards are not what I need. Reading books doesnít scratch that itch. I know the one thing thatíll make me feel better and I canít have it.

This post was more god box than anything but I would love to hear anything from anyone that has something to offer that might help.
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Old 01-09-2018, 01:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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There's a difference between abstinence and sobriety.

We learned an important thing in outpatient rehab. It's not that our DOCs don't work to stop pain. It's that they work too well. Take them away and you're left with a pretty miserable and gray existence based on the underlying pain that you were using drugs/alcohol to escape. That's abstinence.

When you start working through those underlying issues through a recovery program or psychotherapy or best a combination of the two life becomes a joy rather than a burden. That's sobriety.

I started paying attention to the presence I had in everyday situations, especially activities that I enjoy, compared to when I was drinking and using.

I realized that life is now the opposite of boring.

I'm also truly sober, at least at this point, and can go out with friends who drink as normies to situations where there is alcohol and keep my commitment to not drinking without too much difficulty. I have the tools to manage cravings, and just in case I always have both an escape plan and a sober friend to call.
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Old 01-09-2018, 01:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Lnknck View Post
I know the one thing thatíll make me feel better and I canít have it.
I don't think you really believe that drinking again will make you feel better do you?
All that hard work thrown away and for what? Temporary relief? A blow out "just this once"?
I'm in my 6th month of sobriety now and yes it's starting to dawn in me that this is a forever life-long commitment (yeah duh I'm a bit slow!) and there is a little niggle of fear creeping in that I'll get complacent. That I'll forget how bad it was. That I'll risk it again and end up in a risky withdrawal situation again.
The thing I do now and again if I feel like throwing the towel in is to face the reality head on. Read some sad stories here, look up documentaries on advanced alcoholism, scare mysekf back on track if you like.
I have no doubt that you would regret the decision to pick up again (and I suspect you already know that).
It's winter and not so easy to get out and about and maybe easier to beat yourself up for beimg boring or whatever. You fought for your life I'd say that's pretty amazing.
Please remind yourself what the reality of going back there would actually mean.
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Old 01-09-2018, 01:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I understand how you feel- I am having a hard time at 8 months sober, trying to figure out how to have fun doing the things I used to do drunk. Then I remembered that there are things, talents I have that never came from the alcohol. What were your hobbies as a child? What were you drawn to? For me it was music and art.
I wonder if you could go back to doing an activity you did as a child- I believe when we are young and innocent our true gifts are easier to discover as we don't really over analyze or put much thought into it- we just go out and play.

Have you ever been to a trampoline park? I take my kids and I can tell you it's one of the most enjoyable experiences most likely because I going off of childhood play again- I laugh, smile like a crazy person jumping around while the other parents sit and watch their kids jump.
Go out and try something new- or again think back to your past as rediscover a talent you let go of or a game you used to play when you were little.

And I totally agree with Mindful Man that once we stop drinking we are left with a lot of things to sort through. Maybe you are feeling some unresolved emotions that could use healing? I know I am going through that right now. Lots of them. I think this takes more than 8 months, more than a year to figure out how to live life without drugs or alcohol and have fun. Maybe you just need to give yourself more time.
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Old 01-09-2018, 01:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Congrats on 391 days!! I can empathize with I am not as fun as I was while drinking. But for me the reality is I am much more enjoyable to be around now. I used to be unpredictable and people didn't want me around because they didn't which way I would go. Now the real issue is your contentment in sobriety. As mindfulman suggested, I got true happiness once I worked the steps of AA and had my spiritual experience. I am grateful now for everyday I am sober and through the process it has changed my perception of the world. I am truly an optimist now and see the positive and good. Rather than a cynical, angry, bitter, and negative person. This has translated to now that I am not fun (in my mind). I am at least more enjoyable to be around by my friends, co workers, acquaintances and possible new friends.

Find a recovery program and work it. You'll see a difference. Good luck
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Old 01-09-2018, 01:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm having the same thoughts. At this point, I've resigned myself to the idea that my life and relationships have irrevocably changed. I can't go back to the madness that is abusing alcohol, so it is what it is.
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Old 01-09-2018, 02:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Same here. It's hard. Sobriety is the only way i can live tho.
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Old 01-09-2018, 04:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Lnk,
Today is your lucky day. I suggest you read an old thread that just popped up today:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-sobriety.html (Is almost 2 years still in early sobriety?)
Read through the ‘51 things to know about recovery’ and you’ll find some answers!
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Old 01-09-2018, 04:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Lnk

for me I had to do more than just not drink because I was an unhappy person before I ever started drinking.

I had to change my ideas of fun , Fun came in a bottle and fun was drinking. Full stop.

I needed to reach back to a time before that and reacquaint myself with what real fun was.

I had to make new friends, or reconnect with old one, because all the friends I had when I quit were the same kind of dri nker I was.

I also had to deal with the chronic depression, the anxiety and the physical pains I used to drink over. Sometimes that meant seeing doctors or therapists.

Recovery is meant to be joyous.

If it's not that way for you then somethings not firing right.

The good news is a sober clear head is your best weapon in working out whats not right and how to fix it

D
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Old 01-10-2018, 11:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I know the one thing that’ll make me feel better and I can’t have it.
Really? Then why did you quit? It's a good idea to revisit the hell that was active alcoholism. I stopped feeling good long before I stopped drinking, alcohol took me to very dark places. When I wasn't drinking I dealt with bone crushing shame and guilt.
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Old 01-10-2018, 01:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Congrats on 391 days!! I can empathize with I am not as fun as I was while drinking. But for me the reality is I am much more enjoyable to be around now. I used to be unpredictable and people didn't want me around because they didn't which way I would go. Now the real issue is your contentment in sobriety. As mindfulman suggested, I got true happiness once I worked the steps of AA and had my spiritual experience. I am grateful now for everyday I am sober and through the process it has changed my perception of the world. I am truly an optimist now and see the positive and good. Rather than a cynical, angry, bitter, and negative person. This has translated to now that I am not fun (in my mind). I am at least more enjoyable to be around by my friends, co workers, acquaintances and possible new friends.

Find a recovery program and work it. You'll see a difference. Good luck
Yes indeed very well stated, I feel the exact same way.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I have been sober now for nearly 4 years and I can honestly say that in the first year or so I felt exactly the same in the sense of being boring. But now, wow I am having the time of my life! I was the last one dancing at all my Xmas parties this year. I not only had far more energy than my drunk friends but was really able to be "present" and thoroughly enjoy myself. I can not urge you enough to hang in there and trust, what those of us who are a little ahead of you on this journey, are telling you. Life is truly way more fun sober.
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Old 01-10-2018, 05:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Congrats on 391 days!! I can empathize with I am not as fun as I was while drinking. But for me the reality is I am much more enjoyable to be around now. I used to be unpredictable and people didn't want me around because they didn't which way I would go. Now the real issue is your contentment in sobriety. As mindfulman suggested, I got true happiness once I worked the steps of AA and had my spiritual experience. I am grateful now for everyday I am sober and through the process it has changed my perception of the world. I am truly an optimist now and see the positive and good. Rather than a cynical, angry, bitter, and negative person. This has translated to now that I am not fun (in my mind). I am at least more enjoyable to be around by my friends, co workers, acquaintances and possible new friends.

Find a recovery program and work it. You'll see a difference. Good luck
This really struck a note with me. I just want to add that the first time I tried to stop drinking, I went back and justified it, in part, because I wanted to be "fun". Your comment made me realize that being fun didn't work for me because it was always about pleasing other people. I wanted to be fun so people would like me. I haven't worked the steps yet (I am about to) but I have slowly begun to realize that recovery is going to be me learning to accept that I am enough. I am enough without alcohol and worth being around for who I am.

When I first stopped, I still didn't fully understand that. Now I believe that I don't need alcohol, my alcoholism just makes me believe that I do. What I need is to build myself into someone I like and want to be around. Others will likely follow. Or so I hope.
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:57 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Now the real issue is your contentment in sobriety. As mindfulman suggested, I got true happiness once I worked the steps of AA and had my spiritual experience. I am grateful now for everyday I am sober and through the process it has changed my perception of the world. I am truly an optimist now and see the positive and good.
My experience was the same. But we don't know what we don't know. What would life be like after such an experience? I had no idea because it was beyond my experience. I Just took it on faith from people like Done4today - I could see they had a better deal than I did.

The change is profound. Psychiatrist Carl Jung descibes it like this.

""Yes," replied the doctor, "there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times. Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."
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Old 01-11-2018, 05:16 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Iíve been sober for over a year (391 days). But I still am tempted to just give up on everything Iíve worked so hard for (my sobriety). I am having a hard time believing deep down that the shell of a person that was left behind after sobering up is worth all this work. Iíve becone so incredibly boring! Not to glamorize drinking- I was boring then too but all I do these days is work on myself- I canít seem to enjoy going out with anyone like I used to because I have to keep a closer eye on myself to make sure I donít have so much fun that I give up on staying sober. It was horrible that first month I remember not thinking I could do it and looking back Iím so proud that I have made it past one year.

But I canít stand how I donít get to have fun like I used to. Iíve been boring. Iím very grateful Iíve done a lot of things since getting sober but things like paying off credit cards are not what I need. Reading books doesnít scratch that itch. I know the one thing thatíll make me feel better and I canít have it.

This post was more god box than anything but I would love to hear anything from anyone that has something to offer that might help.
I must say, I'm fairly sure I've become pretty boring too.
That said, I'll take it over what I was.
The misery I put myself and others through wasn't very enjoyable.
And my child doesn't think I'm boring. She loves having a present and attentive dad.
Older, more boring and pretty happy.
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Old 01-14-2018, 12:56 AM   #16 (permalink)
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These are great posts.

What a nice group we are.

Hope you are doing well Lnknck.
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Old 01-14-2018, 01:53 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Yeah it can be really tough sometimes, I'm nearly five months sober and there's no denying it, I think about alcohol everyday, it's just not as pronounced as it was earlier on in my sobriety.

The main reason I won't cave in is because I know for a fact that I'm gonna get smashed, and that I'm going to feel miserable when the effect starts to wear off, which in turn will lead to a really bad relapse, then that whole fear of bad withdrawals, and u know if you're truly an alcoholic you're not gonna be able to stop, that or have really difficult time, I know I can't(or at least that's how it is now and don't forsee this changing) and I always end up on medication in order to stop. It really isn't worth it.
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Old 01-14-2018, 04:46 AM   #18 (permalink)
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This article might help... https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/

Staying sober is not the same as working on our recovery. Recovery work is what made sobriety bearable, sustainable and eventually preferable to drinking.

There're lots of options for ways to work on recovery. I personally did the 12-step recovery program through AA, and this made an amazing difference to my experience if life and sobriety. I gained a whole new perspective. One thing that strikes me when I look at the 12 steps is that only the very first one even mentions the word alcohol. The others are all about working on our self. The way we think, and the way we deal with life and other people. Just stopping drinking isn't enough to live happy and free. I suspect what you may be experiencing is pretty much white-knuckling abstinence. There is so much more for you than this, if you're willing to put the work in and to change the way you do some things.

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Old 01-14-2018, 04:51 AM   #19 (permalink)
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As per Stephen King, "the hungover eye had a weird ability to find the ugliest things in any given landscape." So very true, I reflected to myself this morning as I waited much too long for a cab in my dingy neighborhood and basically just felt pretty neutral about the whole thing. Not annoyed or tense or why is the whole world against me/trying to destroy me? Not having to deal with the horror show of arbitrary, subjective negativity every morning and probably every day, is reason enough for me to settle for relatively boring.
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Old 01-14-2018, 06:07 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I'm in the same boat. The first few months have just been about getting through the time... but now that I know I can do it I'm just feeling stagnant and restless. Self reflection is great but I can't just sit at home and stare at the walls for the rest of my life.

And for me it's not so much about having fun but playing catch up on making "accomplishments". I want financial freedom and believe I can have it but also know it would be completely meaningless if I was living in constant misery and internal chaos.. Yet alcohol was the fuel that pushed me forward towards "success" and now without it I'm re-evaluating things and thinking as long as my basic needs are met what's the point in even trying for anything more really? And of course money is just scratching the surface but the underlying motivations (or lack thereof) are what's really bothering me.

So it's a paradox and I'm stuck.
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