paragonlost

drinking again, no matter how much I tell myself i need to stop it still happens. I can keep no alcohol in my house but that doesn't stop me from going out to get more. I want to stop, but my actions reveal otherwise. Then I get angry becasue I can't stop and the cycle just starts all over again. I don't want to hit a " bottom", I want to be able to just stop

Music

If you're able, get out the phone book and look up AA. Call and get someone to come over and talk. Make a date to get to a meeting. Or, stay the way you are and keep trying to do it by yourself.

DrFrier

I was in and out of AA for 18 long years. Talk about bottoms. I just kept digging and digging. First the wife, then access to the kids, then the house, the truck, the motorcycle, and finally the job. That bottom took 18 years to dig, and it seemed long, hard, awful, painful. A bankruptcy in the middle of all of that. I'd go to meetings, get sober for a while, and then, ... drunk again.

I finally ended the cycle by going to treatment. I went to Hazelton/Springbrook near Portland, OR. 1-800-333-3712. Give the toll free number a call. They do a free assesment over the phone.

I have a little over four years now. WOW! What a difference.

Good Luck,

Jim

1Marty

The pattern you describe is very familar. I went through that insanity. I could not quite alone. I needed help from others. AA has changed my life, it really has. Over 8 months sober now. Miracles can happen. Make the call. Get into a program of recovery. Best of luck to you.

paragonlost

Congratulations on the 4 years............ i guess the main reason why I don't need a treatment center is becasue I don't have much to lose. I maintain my job and such and can still drink without sufferring any consequences. Will this change given time? maybe but for now it seems like it won't. I don't think I will get to the point of losing everything, I think its all under control

2dayzmuse

It's a tough thing to do alone. If you were able just stop, it seems you would have done it a long time ago. It's a viscious cycle. You don't have to hit a low bottom, get some help. It appears you can't do it alone. I finally surrendered the notion I could beat it alone and became a member of A.A. It's what I needed to finally put an end to the viscious cycle. Sobriety is rightfully yours. Do what you have to do to get it. Make the call.

Brookie

Hey PL. I've been working through some of the same stuff myself. I haven't lost much - still working, still have my wife, kids, house, etc., never been arrested. Just sick of the hangovers, blackouts, depression, the lack of control, and the fear that things could get a lot worse in the span of a heartbeat if I get behind the wheel. Sometimes I wish my bottom had gotten a little lower to help convince myself of the real need to change. Any of that sound familiar?

I know I can't do it myself, and I've decided not to keep digging the hole deeper. For me, AA is really a help. I may not have been through everything that many others have suffered, but for some reason they don't hold it against me.

Keep coming back, and good luck.

Joe

JaySee

Hi PL

With me, for 20 years at least, I was in the cycle.

Binge
Sober Up
Promise to never do it again
Ahh - to hell with it

Repeat

But it just got worse and worse, the binges were bigger, I started to lose everything, I began to isolate from people, I thought I was going mad, I got paranoid. It wasn't until I got help (AA) that I started to see the big picture. I could stop drinking no problem - I just couldn't stay stopped. If I really wanted to stay stopped then I had to look at me as a person and make some changes. If I don't make these changes, the same old person will drink again.

much love
JC

findingout

That is the great thing about alcohol! As long as you are actively using it, you believe you are totally in control. Nothing ever changes (that you can see) and there is always some thing that you haven't done (YET!) that you can use to say "See, I'm not that bad."

For me, that lasted for 25 years and although my world kept getting smaller and smaller and I was less and less happy, I still believed I was in control. I got to the point where I was drinking before I went into work, hardly leaving the house otherwise, screwing up relationships left and right, and still thought I was in control.

The hard truth is that until you get through a few months (not days) without alcohol, you can't really begin to see how much alcohol was controlling you. Talking to other people who have been where you are is the best thing you can do. Remember, the only requirement for membership in A.A. is "the desire to stop drinking."

You say you want to quit drinking but you also say you can't make it though one day without drinking. Who is in control here?

As you are perhaps discovering, quitting drinking for qood (one day at a time) is perhaps the hardest thing you have ever tried to do. But you CAN do it if you really WANT it and are WILLING to go to any length to get it.

Jah Bless

Dunitall

PL

You say you want to stop, but feel unable to do it on your own. That's a strong sign of alcohol running your life. Most of us here have found it impossible to beat it on our own.

Remember that quite apart from the physical effects it takes on your wellbeing, alcohol works on your brain. It's cunning, baffling and powerful.

It's good that you haven't hit bottom yet. All the more reason for doing something about it now. I've been sober for nearly three months now. The first month I tried on my own and it was a complete bas***d. The booze kept telling to pick up..just the one..it's OK. Forget it! One is too much and a hundred isn't enough.

Sine joining AA and sharing my experiences, I have become much stronger and don't hear the booze calling any more. It's just fantastic.

Give it a try fella. You can do this if you really want to.

Start today and take each day one day at a time. It feels great.

Best of luck.

Rich

Music

Ya know paragon, with few exceptions you've argued or contradicted everything that's been fed back to you since this thread started. Bottom line as I see it is, you not only aren't ready to quit drinking yet, you really don't want to quit. The booze is still doing something for you. If nothing else it's giving you reason to cry in your beer and be a poor victom. The very best you can do at this point got you right where you are.

Tell you what. Drink the next one for me.

paragonlost

I'm not trying to argue everything that has been fed back to me, I believe I already apologized for probably frustrating some. If I didn't want to stop I woldn't have even came to this forum. Maybe part of my brain doesn't want to stop or thinks I don't need to, but another part of me knows I do need to and this is the part I am trying to listen to. Sorry to offend you but you know, you don't have to read what I type if it hurts you or makes you taht angry. Most of what the others have said has made me think, thats what I am here for to try and get better, not to be told to go drink some more and have one for you. I once again apologize for not fitting in your box of what you think someone trying to get better should act like and to the otehrs who have posted iedeas or suggestions, thanks

splendra

(((PL))))

I think Music is on your side. I do not think he is angry it is his style to throw the cr@p back at you..... that could make you think too.....It does seem that his reply stands out the most to you

Doug

Haven't lost my house. Yet.
Or the job. Yet.
Wife, GF, kids. Yet.
Everything and everybody. Yet.

I collected many "yet's" trying the "half measure's". Until all I had left were the clothes I was wearing.

Yet. Your Eliglble Too.

bliss

I felt a lot like you in the beginning like I hadn't lost a lot so why do I need a treatment centre. I went through a lot of different emotions through my addiction. I went through the denial, and the feel sorry for me and the no one cares about me etc etc. Looking back I wish I had just gone to the treatment centre sooner and connect with other alcoholics, since sobriety is what gave me the clarity to move to the next level. I understand your frustration and I certainly don't think other recovering alcoholics judging where you are at is really appropriate. Simply because we have all been where you were I am sure of it. Please keep coming back whether you stay sober or not. Eventually you will realise what you need to do for your recovery. It needs to be up to you. Take Care and keep in touch.

Music

paragon...The last thing I am is angry at what you've said here. I've been where you're at and as I told another poster who PM'd me and kind of stuck up for you, I was given the same options I gave you. Either you've had enough, or you haven't. It's really that simple! I was told to either pick up the tools AA had laid at my feet or my option was to go back out and drink some more. I'd had enough drinking. You obviously haven't! I just stated the obvious and invited you to have the next one for me. I hope when you see the bottom of the glass/bottle, you see MUSIC staring back at you. There's nothing I'd like more than to see a post from you saying you've had enough and are doing something about it. The Big Book asks in How It Works, "If you want what we have and are you willing to do anything to get it" which you obviously aren't. The first thing I did was to stop drinking. It does no good to try to sober up a practicing drunk. It doesn't work. Until you realize that booze isn't working for you any more, you'll continue to drink...pure and simple.

NoMoBeer

I used to get upset with Music's posts too, PL. But you have to understand something -- unless you get real with yourself (sorry to sound like Dr. Phil), you will not do anything about it. I've been there too. My alcohlolic mind tells me -- you still have a house, a wife, kids, job, etc. I think if I translate properly, it's really saying, I'd like to take your house, your wife, your kids, your job (alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful). And I know if I kept drinking, it would evenually take my life.

Music's right, maybe you just aren't ready. I've been told "it takes what it takes." After seeing some of the other posts on this thread, and knowing where the path will lead -- do you really want to continue down the path? I know I don't.

I wish you the best, don't make it more complicated than it is. I've done that, and I'm trying to keep my program simple now. Keep us posted!

Ken

2dayzmuse

It's simple, drink...don't drink. If you choose to drink, be prepared to accept the consequences that go along with drinking. If you don't drink, reap the benefits. I think the message being conveyed here is...we've been down the same road you are heading. We know where it leads to. Don't go there, avoid it at all costs. Turn around while you can. Drink, or don't drink. It's a simple concept. Alcoholics can't have it both ways. Abstinance is the only solution for me. I welcome that solution. I understand what Music is telling you perfectly. I also understand, he isn't trying to be rude. He's trying to save you from the unnecessary grief drinking will bring you. The tools are there for you when you're ready. When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, the tools will still be there for you. No need to apoligize. Remember, we know and understand what you're going through. Been there done that. The best of luck to you and finding sobriety. It's worth the fight. When you're ready, things will begin to make sense and you'll understand what you questioned before.

Dan

Hey Paragon, join the "Damn that Music guy grates on me Club".
At first, I couldn't hear him, or his message. I wasn't ready. Sounds like he's preaching eh... I used to get real pissed off at his posts.
But I'll tell you what. I got to know him over the months. We still disagree on lots of things. But there's one thing I can assure you of.
He cares about you.
And he's not preaching.
He's a tough drunk, with sobriety in his heart.
... fitting in the box of what somebody trying to get better should look like...
Huh?
The only thing that has any importance is how you think you can get better.
All I, Music and anyone else can do is support you, and tell you how it was for us, and how it is now that we're sober.
The choices are all yours Paragon. All yours.
I was scared senseless when I finally realized that it was going to be me, and no one else, that would fix the problem.
What's your plan?

paragonlost

You know the more I think about it probably the only reason his post truely bothered me was because I knew he was right. So seeing as how its a new month, my plan is to stop the drinking. I realize that at this point I think I am controlling it, and if thats the case then I should be able to stop. If it is controlling me then I will have to get help, I don't want to hit a " bottom" where things get worse, I need to stop now. Hopefully my next posts will be about me being sober or at least my attmepts to get sober.