Discouragement
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Discouragement
I'm coming up on 90 days (tomorrow actually). It's been mostly amazing, the steps really showed me how selfish I am and the havoc it's caused in relationships. This weeks been pretty tough though. It feels like things just build and build and today I basically just want to tell everyone to go to hell. It's just disheartening when people judge what you are based on what they heard you were like. How do you folks keep it together under just a constant barrage of this?
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Congrats on 90 days JPRTR. One of the things I had to learn in sobriety ( well, in life in general I guess ) is that we simply have bad days. Life isn't always fair, but being sober really increases our ability to deal with the bad ones.
Regarding people who judge, it's first important to remember that we did do some bad/selfish things when we were active - and that people won't forgive/forget all of it. Time can heal a lot of those things, especially sober time - but there will likely be some people who do judge us based on our past forever. The second thing to remember about people who judge us is that what they think is pretty much irrelevant. They can judge all they want, but it only happens inside their own heads - and we cannot control that. We can control what we do today, and that's it. If we know we are doing the best we can, what they think is utterly irrelevant anyway.
Regarding people who judge, it's first important to remember that we did do some bad/selfish things when we were active - and that people won't forgive/forget all of it. Time can heal a lot of those things, especially sober time - but there will likely be some people who do judge us based on our past forever. The second thing to remember about people who judge us is that what they think is pretty much irrelevant. They can judge all they want, but it only happens inside their own heads - and we cannot control that. We can control what we do today, and that's it. If we know we are doing the best we can, what they think is utterly irrelevant anyway.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Hey JP! Amazing job on 90 days - congratulations!
I'm wondering what exactly has been building? Negative comments from others? If I were you, I would revisit what's really happening here. If people choose to be mean and want to bring you down into their negative zone, you can choose to turn it over and simply decline the invitation. This is easier said than done, of course. But the fact is, it is probably more about them than it is about you. Negative people like to project their misery onto others so that they are not alone (hence alcoholics often hanging out only in circles of other alcoholics). Whatever they think, you're powerless over that; so leave them with their discontent. If these are merely your perceptions, that could be the alcoholic voice creeping up again - beware! I spent tons of time thinking everyone was talking badly of me and was totally disgusted with me, when 90% of the time that was not the case. unfortunately some people are under the delusion that they will feel better by putting others down... sadly, we know this is not true, and if those people do not wake up to that fact, they will be miserable forever. I try to feel compassion for those kind of people (operative word being try!) because they are probably very unhappy with something about themselves/their own lives. Try to see things with new eyes - you've certainly earned it!! Hope that helps!
I'm wondering what exactly has been building? Negative comments from others? If I were you, I would revisit what's really happening here. If people choose to be mean and want to bring you down into their negative zone, you can choose to turn it over and simply decline the invitation. This is easier said than done, of course. But the fact is, it is probably more about them than it is about you. Negative people like to project their misery onto others so that they are not alone (hence alcoholics often hanging out only in circles of other alcoholics). Whatever they think, you're powerless over that; so leave them with their discontent. If these are merely your perceptions, that could be the alcoholic voice creeping up again - beware! I spent tons of time thinking everyone was talking badly of me and was totally disgusted with me, when 90% of the time that was not the case. unfortunately some people are under the delusion that they will feel better by putting others down... sadly, we know this is not true, and if those people do not wake up to that fact, they will be miserable forever. I try to feel compassion for those kind of people (operative word being try!) because they are probably very unhappy with something about themselves/their own lives. Try to see things with new eyes - you've certainly earned it!! Hope that helps!
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The issue isn't really people talking about or putting me down. It's friends that don't really understand anything about alcoholism trying to "help". It just seems that there is always mistrust or distrust there, maybe rightly so maybe not. It's just hard to take day in and day out and some days it just seems too much to handle.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Ah... that I understand all too well. I'm still in that position with many people. I sometimes can see in their eyes that they're checking to make sure I haven't been drinking, or if I'm really going where I say I'm going... it can be infuriating. I was at a restaurant recently and a friend jokingly offered me his martini, and another friend angrily thrust her hand between me and the drink he jokingly extended. I did NOT appreciate that; it's not as though I'm some animal who would snatch it out of his hand and chug!!! Before snapping at her, I stopped myself and reminded myself that actually yes, in active use I was like an animal with alcohol and absolutely would chug a martini and do whatever I needed to do to get more. So although her reaction was misplaced in my opinion, I understood her position.
It can be difficult to deal w people trying to help when you know they understand nothing about addiction. But remember that perhaps their only experience with it is through you and other active alcoholics, so they've learned some pretty terrible lessons. For me - unless something is inappropriate - I let a lot of that go, just as they let a lot of my terrible behavior go. You've got 90 days - you know where to go when you need help! It's still a massive challenge, but can also be an exercise in humility, which is to your overal benefit I'd say!
It can be difficult to deal w people trying to help when you know they understand nothing about addiction. But remember that perhaps their only experience with it is through you and other active alcoholics, so they've learned some pretty terrible lessons. For me - unless something is inappropriate - I let a lot of that go, just as they let a lot of my terrible behavior go. You've got 90 days - you know where to go when you need help! It's still a massive challenge, but can also be an exercise in humility, which is to your overal benefit I'd say!
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Originally Posted by JPRTR 
The issue isn't really people talking about or putting me down. It's friends that don't really understand anything about alcoholism trying to "help". It just seems that there is always mistrust or distrust there, maybe rightly so maybe not. It's just hard to take day in and day out and some days it just seems too much to handle.
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Originally Posted by JPRTR
The issue isn't really people talking about or putting me down. It's friends that don't really understand anything about alcoholism trying to "help". It just seems that there is always mistrust or distrust there, maybe rightly so maybe not. It's just hard to take day in and day out and some days it just seems too much to handle.
Congrats on 90 days that is great!!!
Rebuilding trust takes time. Use this time to learn patience, tolerance, and forgiving. Normal drinkers do not understand alcoholism most think its a will power issue.
The best quote I heard early in recovery that got me through these tough times, "what other people think of me, is none of my business."
Good luck it does get better and easier. Keep working the steps and making "living amends".
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Yeah, all good stuff. I've been able to mostly let go of what I can't control and what people think is one of those things. I know most people are trying to help and you're right I can't expect them to understand where I'm at completely and make a 100% correct judgement based on my specific circumstance. Usually I know this and can work through it, just seems like today it was harder for some reason.
I am expecting people to see and understand the huge change I've seen and experienced in myself and that's not reasonable. All I can do is continue, time will be the ultimate proof.
I am expecting people to see and understand the huge change I've seen and experienced in myself and that's not reasonable. All I can do is continue, time will be the ultimate proof.
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congrats on the 90 days.
Someone told me recently when i was worried i'd make some stupid decisions like i did when i drank. they said your not that person anymore tho so you wont make those choices now. I really needed to hear that.
I think in your case its like that too. your not that person anymore. so whats it matter past is in the past just leave it there.
Someone told me recently when i was worried i'd make some stupid decisions like i did when i drank. they said your not that person anymore tho so you wont make those choices now. I really needed to hear that.
I think in your case its like that too. your not that person anymore. so whats it matter past is in the past just leave it there.
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Originally Posted by JPRTR
Yeah, all good stuff. I've been able to mostly let go of what I can't control and what people think is one of those things. I know most people are trying to help and you're right I can't expect them to understand where I'm at completely and make a 100% correct judgement based on my specific circumstance. Usually I know this and can work through it, just seems like today it was harder for some reason.
I am expecting people to see and understand the huge change I've seen and experienced in myself and that's not reasonable. All I can do is continue, time will be the ultimate proof.
I am expecting people to see and understand the huge change I've seen and experienced in myself and that's not reasonable. All I can do is continue, time will be the ultimate proof.
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