My husband has only been sober 2 days and he’s a nightmare already
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
My husband has only been sober 2 days and he’s a nightmare already
Hi everyone. This is my first post. I don’t know what to do. My husband has had a drinking problem virtually our whole relationship. I was 18 when we started dating and he was 21, so drinking was the norm. I never thought much of it, he would drink a few times a week, sometimes to excess but nothing crazy. We have been together now 10 1/2 years, 8 of which he has been drinking every single day, 10-12 beers a night, sometimes more. I once watch him drink an 18 case of miller lite in 2 hours and proceed to pass out while we were at a friends house.
His drinking has been the reason for many of our fights and marital issues. He has tried to cut down and had maybe 3 nights out of the last 8 years when he didn’t drink at all. He decided with the new year to quit all together as his resolution. It’s been 2 days and I already can’t stand to be around him. Last night wasn’t bad...We had a pretty nice evening, but he didn’t get much sleep. He tossed and turned all night and when I got home this afternoon from work he was such a jerk. He has been cold with me all day and I asked if I had done something, he snapped at me that I didn’t do anything. He said hes never going to be happy and he’s never going to sleep without drinking. I asked if I could to anything and he replied by yelling at me to leave him alone.
He has always had a bad temper and that along with his drinking it has never been a good combination. He’s broken his hand punching the wall next to my head, thrown things and verbally abused me more times than I can count, but now even without alcohol he’s being just as mean to me as he is when he drinks. I don’t know how to be supportive. I’m so happy he has the desire to quit drinking, but he has no insurance to get the help he needs and wants. I know it’s only been 2 days, but I have BPD and a huge amount of my own issues and him ignoring me and not wanting me around is destoying me. How do you approach your loved ones or talk to them when they are like this? Or do you just leave them alone indefinitely until they decide they want to talk to you? I would love all the advice I could get. Thank you so much.
His drinking has been the reason for many of our fights and marital issues. He has tried to cut down and had maybe 3 nights out of the last 8 years when he didn’t drink at all. He decided with the new year to quit all together as his resolution. It’s been 2 days and I already can’t stand to be around him. Last night wasn’t bad...We had a pretty nice evening, but he didn’t get much sleep. He tossed and turned all night and when I got home this afternoon from work he was such a jerk. He has been cold with me all day and I asked if I had done something, he snapped at me that I didn’t do anything. He said hes never going to be happy and he’s never going to sleep without drinking. I asked if I could to anything and he replied by yelling at me to leave him alone.
He has always had a bad temper and that along with his drinking it has never been a good combination. He’s broken his hand punching the wall next to my head, thrown things and verbally abused me more times than I can count, but now even without alcohol he’s being just as mean to me as he is when he drinks. I don’t know how to be supportive. I’m so happy he has the desire to quit drinking, but he has no insurance to get the help he needs and wants. I know it’s only been 2 days, but I have BPD and a huge amount of my own issues and him ignoring me and not wanting me around is destoying me. How do you approach your loved ones or talk to them when they are like this? Or do you just leave them alone indefinitely until they decide they want to talk to you? I would love all the advice I could get. Thank you so much.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Hi Delany24. Thanks for posting and welcome to SR. I don't feel equipped to provide you with a very substantive response, but I will state unequivocally that your safety is paramount. Any kind of abuse is an issue that is separate and distinct from alcohol abuse and should not be tolerated or somehow dismissed as a part of either drinking or irritation from not drinking. Having said all of that, I recommend that you re-post this thread over on the Friends and Family Forum, so that it is seen by folks who are in a position that is similar to yours. Here is a link: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/. Good luck to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
thank you very much for replying and for the link. I will repost it there. And you are very right. For a long time I have dismissed his behavior and sympathized with his illness all while allowing him the treat me horribly. Alcoholic or not, it’s not acceptable. Thank you again for reminding me of that.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 214
If someone is that violent to destroy things and frighten you I would be seriously careful. I also do not think you can chalk it all up to drinking. It is like having a pet tiger. Everyone tries to rationalize the danger until the unthinkable happens. I had a cousin whose husband killed her with a shotgun when I was a kid. They had some serious fights but nothing crazy until her death. The guy only served 7 years! I am not trying to scare you but please do not wait too late to get help. God Bless and prayers!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Delany24 
Hi everyone. This is my first post. I don’t know what to do. My husband has had a drinking problem virtually our whole relationship. I was 18 when we started dating and he was 21, so drinking was the norm. I never thought much of it, he would drink a few times a week, sometimes to excess but nothing crazy. We have been together now 10 1/2 years, 8 of which he has been drinking every single day, 10-12 beers a night, sometimes more. I once watch him drink an 18 case of miller lite in 2 hours and proceed to pass out while we were at a friends house.
His drinking has been the reason for many of our fights and marital issues. He has tried to cut down and had maybe 3 nights out of the last 8 years when he didn’t drink at all. He decided with the new year to quit all together as his resolution. It’s been 2 days and I already can’t stand to be around him. Last night wasn’t bad...We had a pretty nice evening, but he didn’t get much sleep. He tossed and turned all night and when I got home this afternoon from work he was such a jerk. He has been cold with me all day and I asked if I had done something, he snapped at me that I didn’t do anything. He said hes never going to be happy and he’s never going to sleep without drinking. I asked if I could to anything and he replied by yelling at me to leave him alone.
He has always had a bad temper and that along with his drinking it has never been a good combination. He’s broken his hand punching the wall next to my head, thrown things and verbally abused me more times than I can count, but now even without alcohol he’s being just as mean to me as he is when he drinks. I don’t know how to be supportive. I’m so happy he has the desire to quit drinking, but he has no insurance to get the help he needs and wants. I know it’s only been 2 days, but I have BPD and a huge amount of my own issues and him ignoring me and not wanting me around is destoying me. How do you approach your loved ones or talk to them when they are like this? Or do you just leave them alone indefinitely until they decide they want to talk to you? I would love all the advice I could get. Thank you so much.
His drinking has been the reason for many of our fights and marital issues. He has tried to cut down and had maybe 3 nights out of the last 8 years when he didn’t drink at all. He decided with the new year to quit all together as his resolution. It’s been 2 days and I already can’t stand to be around him. Last night wasn’t bad...We had a pretty nice evening, but he didn’t get much sleep. He tossed and turned all night and when I got home this afternoon from work he was such a jerk. He has been cold with me all day and I asked if I had done something, he snapped at me that I didn’t do anything. He said hes never going to be happy and he’s never going to sleep without drinking. I asked if I could to anything and he replied by yelling at me to leave him alone.
He has always had a bad temper and that along with his drinking it has never been a good combination. He’s broken his hand punching the wall next to my head, thrown things and verbally abused me more times than I can count, but now even without alcohol he’s being just as mean to me as he is when he drinks. I don’t know how to be supportive. I’m so happy he has the desire to quit drinking, but he has no insurance to get the help he needs and wants. I know it’s only been 2 days, but I have BPD and a huge amount of my own issues and him ignoring me and not wanting me around is destoying me. How do you approach your loved ones or talk to them when they are like this? Or do you just leave them alone indefinitely until they decide they want to talk to you? I would love all the advice I could get. Thank you so much.
However, you mentioned he's always had a scary temper. His actions (drunk or not) are 100% unacceptable. I'm an alcoholic, and I've blacked out more times than I can count. But, I've never physically threatened anyone (and throwing things is physically threatening, even if it's not at you) or verbally abused them. Both of those things are pathetic. The worst thing I ever did? Drive blacked out. And THAT was disgusting enough to make me want to quit forever. In a way, it might be the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm a bit disturbed that your husband is just now thinking about quitting, after the hell he's seems to have put you through. Is he worth this? No reply necessary. Just something to think about. If your mother or your daughter was enduring this, what would you tell them to do?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi Delany! Welcome! You're absolutely right - there is no excuse for that behavior. I will however acknowledge that it's a well-documented thing that most serious alcoholics (as your husband clearly is) do go through a very rough period after stopping. An everyday drinker is also going through some physical and neurological things that may need to be addressed by a doctor in a detox unit. Withdrawal symptoms can appear 2 days to even up to weeks after quitting. Again, not making excuses, but he should be aware of this and be responsible about it (I didn't know that it could be that bad until I stopped cold turkey).
He also needs to understand that quitting drinking is the beginning, not the final destination. I hope he seeks the support of AA or another group... I know I was a hot angry resentful mess when I first stopped (including many relapses prior). If
He's not willing to engage and work for it, he's "working on a relapse", as they say. I wish you the best and echo everyone else's sentiments - your safety is the most important thing!!!
He also needs to understand that quitting drinking is the beginning, not the final destination. I hope he seeks the support of AA or another group... I know I was a hot angry resentful mess when I first stopped (including many relapses prior). If
He's not willing to engage and work for it, he's "working on a relapse", as they say. I wish you the best and echo everyone else's sentiments - your safety is the most important thing!!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome, Delany.
i echo the connecting with the Friends and Family forum.
it makes sense to me that his behaviour is unpredictable right now and all over the place. and yes of course your safety is paramount. and in addition to that, it is paramount that you take care of yourself and look out for your welfare.
it might sound selfish and cold - hearted to emphasize that your prime area of control is really in your very own individual sphere....not in his.
what i mean is : please focus on doing what you need to do to be safe and stay or get well.
what he will or will not do for himself is his to decide.
just as you f this site, he can find support for himself also, if he wants it. Just as all of us have
take good care.
i echo the connecting with the Friends and Family forum.
it makes sense to me that his behaviour is unpredictable right now and all over the place. and yes of course your safety is paramount. and in addition to that, it is paramount that you take care of yourself and look out for your welfare.
it might sound selfish and cold - hearted to emphasize that your prime area of control is really in your very own individual sphere....not in his.
what i mean is : please focus on doing what you need to do to be safe and stay or get well.
what he will or will not do for himself is his to decide.
just as you f this site, he can find support for himself also, if he wants it. Just as all of us have
take good care.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Welcome, I usually hang out in Friends and Family but I lurk here. I agree with the other posters that alcoholism and abusive behaviors are two different items. My husband was abusive throwing things, breaking and putting holes in the walls to. I excused it for way to long hoping he would_ get it_. It was only after me not wanting to live like this that I got help. The domestic violence help line can give you resources. Your safety is a priority.
My husband is sober but being sober does not make all bad behavior go away. He needs to work on that. It takes time and effort to change old behavior and he just might not be relationship material even sober. Alanon may also help you.
My husband is sober but being sober does not make all bad behavior go away. He needs to work on that. It takes time and effort to change old behavior and he just might not be relationship material even sober. Alanon may also help you.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
My heart goes out to you. What you're going through would be tough for anyone. This sounds absolutely terrifying to a borderline.
Get help for yourself as well.
He may improve with time. MAY. Early sobriety is like being a raw nerve.
We're here for you.
Get help for yourself as well.
He may improve with time. MAY. Early sobriety is like being a raw nerve.
We're here for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Delany24
We have been together now 10 1/2 years, 8 of which he has been drinking every single day, 10-12 beers a night, sometimes more. I once watch him drink an 18 case of miller lite in 2 hours and proceed to pass out while we were at a friends house.
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