SickInLove

Any tips on how to stay sober at events where everyone is drinking , including your spouse? I had 15 days sober and then on New Year’s Eve I went to a punk rock show, really the only time I ever “go out” since I have small children. Of course being NYE and a concert EVERYONE seemed to be drinking. I had a sip of my husbands vodka/soda which turned into me having 4 of my own. I’m so sad, angry at myself and embarrassed by how many relapse posts I’ve had to make on this site. I almost thought about not even posting because I was ashamed but I depend on this site for my sobriety and read it daily.

biminiblue

I had to make the decision that No Matter What I wasn't drinking any more.

Then no matter what I don't drink.

I mean, it is a one-time decision if you want it to be. Now you know that even a sip is out, right?

JeffreyAK

Honestly what I personally would have done in your situation was, not even go. At 15 days, you're ripe for using whatever circumstances present themselves as justifications to drink, and on NYE with everyone around you drinking, the result is pretty predictable. It sucks to feel like a shut-in, unable to go to shows like that, but you won't always be, and eventually you can go to events like that and not even want to drink. But that's usually a lot later than 15 days, could be a couple years depending on your drinking history.

tomsteve

Any tips on how to stay sober at events where everyone is drinking

i didnt go to them in the first year. i put my recovery first and guarded it.
working at getting away from what and who i was,then walking smack dab into temptation- that would have been a recipe for disaster.
like jeffrey said, i eventually was able to go to events where there was alcohol around, with 3 important criteria:
-the right motive for being there.
- fit spiritual condition.
-an escape route.

i do NOt make a habit of going to events where alcohol is all over,though.

SickInLove

That makes perfect sense, I guess it’s just hard for me to give up going to shows because it really is one of the only things I do socially that makes me happy. I have been going to punk shows for the last 15 years. I’ve never been a party or club type person. Watching live music makes me happy. The show I went to was one of my favorite bands and I didn’t want to miss it, especially since I haven’t been out on NYE in 7 years. I have tickets to see one of my other favorite bands at the end of this month and I need to do something differently.

SickInLove

Also I hope that last comment didn’t come off as still going to the other concert because I don’t care. I really don’t want to drink at that concert but I also don’t want to miss it.

doggonecarl

I said the same thing...how I loved going to concerts to see bands. But when I got sober I had to stop attending live concerts. Metal and drinking went hand-and-hand with me.

Oddly enough, although I said "I loved live music" I didn't miss it. Why? Because it wasn't live music I enjoyed. It was getting hammered at live shows that I loved so much. Take out the booze and I wasn't really that interested in standing all night in a crowd of rude, drunk people to see an act.

Do what you have to do to protect your sobriety, even if it's skipping those social events you say you enjoy. If you can't do them sober, don't do them.

Maudcat

SickinLove, hi.
Saying this as gently as possible:
It was New Year’s Eve.
It was a concert.
You had 15 days sober.
What did you think would happen?
Not saying you can’t eventually go to concerts, but for now, if you want to stay sober, you have to stay away from the people, places, and things that have an alcohol component.
Sorry, but there it is.
Good luck.

ScottFromWI

I would echo Carl's point - is it really the music/concert that you enjoy or is it the drinking that also goes on there?

If it's the former, it is still possible to go and not drink - but you need to plan ahead. For one thing - take driking off the table before you even set foot in the venue. Tell your husband you aren't drinking no matter what so he knows too. That way "taking a sip of his drink" won't be an option for you either.

If it's the latter, and drinking was really the only reason you went - then the solution is to just not go. Part of getting sober is changing the places we go and the people we go with sometimes.

SickInLove

It really is the music for me. I’ve been going to shows LONG before I had a drinking problem. I’ve gone to shows while pregnant and completely sober. It’s just as of the last 2 years of my life that I’ve developed the drinking problem that I have. To me having to give up something I love so much is sad. I respect everyone’s opinion on saying “just don’t go” but as a mom of 3 kids under age 6 I rarely get a night off. This is something I plan months in advance. Sometimes I just need a break. Guess I was wrong for asking this question here. Thanks for the responses

tomsteve

a concert is just a couple hours one night. i can listen to my favorite bands music any time.

MyLittleHorsie

I will go a different end of the mental spectrum. I want to dinner and a dance my first weekend sober.i did not drink. I made myself dd. My husband drank, this wasn't a work event, it was something I enjoy and I enjoyed myself - sober. I shied from nothing, we are on vacation right now at a couple months sober, what I changed was my mind. I am not missing anything, there are tons of time when working I didn't drink, it can be done and for me to live the life I want, alcohol has to be off the table. I have accepted alcohol cannot be ingested by me. It has worked and I have missed nothing. Get your head where you need it to be, visualize yourself having a good time sober, imagine a bad time if you drink. Have an escape plan if you need it but once your addiction isn't the one doing the talking and you can mentally shut it down, life continues, just sober.

Maudcat

Sounds like you didn’t get the answers you wanted, SickinLove.
I’m sorry.
I can hear the sadness in your posts about not wanting to give up something—live music—that you enjoy.
You don’t have to, not forever.
I’m four years sober.
I can go to places where people are bathing in alcohol, (well, I know of no such events, but you get the idea) and it doesn’t bother me at all.
But early on, no.
Had to stay away from places and events where there would be alcohol.
Just had to.
I went to a friend’s daughter’s wedding early on and was so uncomfortable and miserable that I wished I had passed.
Because I really, really, really wanted to drink.
I found that giving up alcohol was a process, and in that process I had to build up sober time before I could go to events like concerts, clubs, pubs, etc.
I think I was just short of a year sober when I trusted myself enough to go to a function where alcohol was flowing.
All I am saying, is to give yourself some time to build the sober muscles.
15 days just isn’t long enough.
Peace.

Hats

No you weren't wrong for asking the question here at all; and no one is saying you shouldn't go to a concert ever again. What I take from it is, build up that sobriety time, build up that defense, put sobriety ahead of anything else; then, in time you will be able to go to any event where alcohol is involved and not even give it a second thought. I think what relates to me the most is that in the early beginning of sobriety, our mental defense/resolve against the 1st drink is very weak and it takes time to build that up. I myself have decided against going to NHL hockey games for the season as beer/hockey went hand in hand. Maybe next year I'll venture out to a few games but for now, it's not a good idea for me. Putting one's self in a situation where alcohol is involved at a early stage of sobriety is just like poking the Tiger. If one's serious about sobriety, they'd put that 1st against anything alcohol related. For me, just past 4 months now, I stay away from anything alcohol related until I feel I comfortable and in top spiritual condition. Sobriety is my #1 focus in my life right now, and I hope it will stay that way for years to come.

Rider0375

Before I was able to successfully quit drinking alcohol, like you, I was in love with music/concerts. They were definitely a catalyst for failing to remain sober. Honestly, and truthfully, the only way I was able to succeed, was to make being sober, more important than music (Or anything else in life). When I quit going to concerts and going "out", completely, I was able to successfully remain sober.

500+ days sober later, I am now able, occasionally, to go to concerts. If I do go, I make for sure I am with friends that do not drink as well.

Hope this helps!

AnvilheadII

it's about PRIORITIES.....you've been attending concerts for 15 years.....missing one or two or eleven will not wreck your world.

continuing to drink just MIGHT.

sobriety or concerts.

ScottFromWI

You weren't wrong for asking SIL. And "everyone" isn't telling you not to go - several folks have suggested that it's possible, but it's going to take some work on your part ;-)

If you are going to go, you need to set some boundaries and guidelines that you will not cross under any circumstances. And it might be that you have to wait until you get some more sober time under your belt before you go again. That's fine- there will always be more concerts if you just happen to miss the next one or two, right?

SickInLove

Thank you all for your responses. Having 3 small children and a husband that works 50 hours a week.. I don’t get much time to rest or relax. I think that’s part of the reason recovery has been so difficult for me. I decided I will keep my concert tickets. It’s to see the killers, my favorite band and also on my birthday. I’m going to try and keep the mentality of drinking is not a option and I’m here for the love of music. I need a break, I’m tired.. I never get alone time. I don’t have the option of just hibernating and taking “me time” to recover. I have very good and expensive tickets to see my favorite band and I don’t want to cancel. I was just looking for advice on how to stay sober and I received some great responses. So thank you, I tried to delete this thread but I can’t figure out how to do it.

SoberCAH

You were absolutely correct in asking this question on this forum.

We just don't want you to drink again.

Personally, I chose to take myself out of the loop, so to speak, for a pretty good while when I got sober.

It was a life and death decision for me.

Shortly after I graduated from the treatment center, I drove a few hundred miles to see a car race.

But being at the track scared me to death, so I sold my tickets and went home, even though I had traveled a good ways to attend it and I really, really wanted to see it.

That was 1988, and I'm still sober today.

My sobriety depended on those painful decisions I made early on in recovery.

Getting and staying sober requires some degree of sacrifice.

For each sacrifice I have made, the rewards I have reaped in return have dwarfed whatever I gave up to protect my sobriety.

I do things today that I could not and would not have done during my first year or 2 of sobriety.

I'm attending a sporting event tonight that I have previously attended and left in a squad car headed for the county jail, but I'm not particularly worried about spending the night in the drunk tank tonight.

I go to many, many car races today, as well as hard rock and hard country concerts and shows, football (the American kind) games and other really fun events at which alcohol will be present.

And I'm not tempted to drink when I attend them.

But I follow the plan set forth by tomsteve above (regarding my spiritual condition, my motives and my exit strategy/escape plan if I feel my sobriety is threatened).

I hope that you make the decision to get and stay sober and to take a pass on your upcoming concert.

Sacrifices aren't fun, but making them is a lot easier than dealing with chronic alcoholism.

Stick around and keep us posted.

Maudcat

Message received, Sick in Love.
You won’t hear anything more about this from me.
Contact a mod if you would like to close the thread.