I know the answer-but I will ask anyway.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Illinois
Posts: 71
I know the answer-but I will ask anyway.
I decided to stop drinking and face the fact I was an alcoholic about 3 1/2 years ago. Through some ups and downs I have been continuously sober for over a year. Life is wonderful!
In the last year however, I’ve had three people come to me because they wanted to stop drinking themselves - for one reason or another.
To this point, none of them have stopped altogether. Each one quit for a while but eventually went back out.
There is one that really bothers me-it’s a family member who only wants to quit drinking because he thinks it will make the relationship with his spouse and daughter better. It would.
However, this person looks at alcohol as something he wants but is abstaining from, and not something that he just doesn’t want to do anymore because it’s poison.
Obviously, there’s a difference.
Thoughts?
In the last year however, I’ve had three people come to me because they wanted to stop drinking themselves - for one reason or another.
To this point, none of them have stopped altogether. Each one quit for a while but eventually went back out.
There is one that really bothers me-it’s a family member who only wants to quit drinking because he thinks it will make the relationship with his spouse and daughter better. It would.
However, this person looks at alcohol as something he wants but is abstaining from, and not something that he just doesn’t want to do anymore because it’s poison.
Obviously, there’s a difference.
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 26
Congrats on your sobriety! I think it is fine if your family member's motivation to get sober is improving their family relationships. A lot of people are motivated to get sober because of external reasons like family issues, work issues, legal issues etc. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it is hard to see the other benefits of sobriety while you are still actively drinking. But, it is not your responsibility to get them sober, only they can decide to get sober.
Soberado
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Cleveland Ohio-ish
Posts: 395
I have a similar situation with my younger brother and his love/hate, off/on relationship with alcohol which has created issues in his life. Instead of preaching to him about the inevitable tail spin surrounding drinking, I lead by positive example. He gets irritated with me when I tell him I know how this story ends. Good luck.
I can do anything!!!
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 99
I definitely think about alcohol this way. It is very hard to change your way of thinking. I know that it is poison and that it causes all sorts of problems but I still want it. It is tough.
Congrats on one year!!!
Congrats on one year!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Timmy1028 
However, this person looks at alcohol as something he wants but is abstaining from, and not something that he just doesn’t want to do anymore because it’s poison.
Obviously, there’s a difference.
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Congrats on your sobriety Timmy,
I agree with bulldog that it doesn't matter why. And you helping him will definitely help you stay sober. Ultimately, your sobriety is the most important to you.
I went to AA because my drinking was out of control. I was hoping that I could control it and continue drinking. I learned about my disease and got sober. I work hard to be happy and sober now. I am grateful that I found sobriety even when I didn't really want it.
Good luck Timmy
I agree with bulldog that it doesn't matter why. And you helping him will definitely help you stay sober. Ultimately, your sobriety is the most important to you.
I went to AA because my drinking was out of control. I was hoping that I could control it and continue drinking. I learned about my disease and got sober. I work hard to be happy and sober now. I am grateful that I found sobriety even when I didn't really want it.
Good luck Timmy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I didn't quit because I wanted sobriety, I quit because the consequences were getting to scary and painful and not looking set to improve but just keep getting worse. I suppose he's the same. He doesn't want those consequences of damaged relationships any more.
Sobriety initially was pretty unbearable for me, then (through working on my recovery when sobriety got hideous enough ) it became sustainable, then bearable, and then further down the line,EVENTUALLY, preferable to drinking.
Hopefully once he starts feeling the benefits of sobriety then it'll get to the stage where he wants to be sober more than he wants to be drunk. Maybe he'll need to go back out there and let the consequences get a bit worse. We all have different bottoms that we need to sink to I suppose.
BB
Sobriety initially was pretty unbearable for me, then (through working on my recovery when sobriety got hideous enough ) it became sustainable, then bearable, and then further down the line,EVENTUALLY, preferable to drinking.
Hopefully once he starts feeling the benefits of sobriety then it'll get to the stage where he wants to be sober more than he wants to be drunk. Maybe he'll need to go back out there and let the consequences get a bit worse. We all have different bottoms that we need to sink to I suppose.
BB
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Learning about AVRT ( great threads here on SR in the Secular Connections forum on these ideas) gave me a brand new perspective of the 'mechanics' of want .
Wanting has no bearing on abstaining, you can abstain whether you 'want' to drink/drug or not. The idea that 'wanting' has any bearing on choices and actions is totally addiction centric. And too the idea that the absence of 'want' is a necessary state in order to choose permanent unconditional abstinence.
I plan to choose unconditional permanent abstinence in the presence of want and happily so, AVRT gave me the push I needed to see that permanent self recovery is not only possible , but the norm.
Wanting has no bearing on abstaining, you can abstain whether you 'want' to drink/drug or not. The idea that 'wanting' has any bearing on choices and actions is totally addiction centric. And too the idea that the absence of 'want' is a necessary state in order to choose permanent unconditional abstinence.
I plan to choose unconditional permanent abstinence in the presence of want and happily so, AVRT gave me the push I needed to see that permanent self recovery is not only possible , but the norm.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by Timmy1028
I decided to stop drinking and face the fact I was an alcoholic about 3 1/2 years ago. Through some ups and downs I have been continuously sober for over a year. Life is wonderful!
In the last year however, I’ve had three people come to me because they wanted to stop drinking themselves - for one reason or another.
To this point, none of them have stopped altogether. Each one quit for a while but eventually went back out.
There is one that really bothers me-it’s a family member who only wants to quit drinking because he thinks it will make the relationship with his spouse and daughter better. It would.
However, this person looks at alcohol as something he wants but is abstaining from, and not something that he just doesn’t want to do anymore because it’s poison.
Obviously, there’s a difference.
Thoughts?
In the last year however, I’ve had three people come to me because they wanted to stop drinking themselves - for one reason or another.
To this point, none of them have stopped altogether. Each one quit for a while but eventually went back out.
There is one that really bothers me-it’s a family member who only wants to quit drinking because he thinks it will make the relationship with his spouse and daughter better. It would.
However, this person looks at alcohol as something he wants but is abstaining from, and not something that he just doesn’t want to do anymore because it’s poison.
Obviously, there’s a difference.
Thoughts?
Congrats on the solid year clean.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Doesn't matter why someone quits. I've seen grumpy people in meetings only there because of the courts who have a shift in thinking along the way and stay sober. Not very often, but it happens. We get it or we don't when the time is/isn't right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
We're delighted you're here with us, Timmy.
There has been some real wisdom on this topic posted above.
I congratulate you on your sobriety.
I got sober at a reasonably young age and have been able to go through a good bit of my life no longer under the yoke of daily drunkenness.
I suggest that your relative go to AA.
It doesn't cost anything and he just may hear something that helps him.
If he doesn't succeed in getting sober, the experience may, nonetheless, plant a seed in his mind for future pursuit one day.
I particularly relate to BB's post above in that I didn't pursue treatment and recovery in pursuit of spiritual growth or learning to live a productive life.
I got sober because I was no longer willing to accept the increasingly painful consequences of my chronic drunkenness.
I then learned to live a spiritual life and, in the process, (finally) grow up.
It certainly took a while.
We hope you stick around and keep posting.
There has been some real wisdom on this topic posted above.
I congratulate you on your sobriety.
I got sober at a reasonably young age and have been able to go through a good bit of my life no longer under the yoke of daily drunkenness.
I suggest that your relative go to AA.
It doesn't cost anything and he just may hear something that helps him.
If he doesn't succeed in getting sober, the experience may, nonetheless, plant a seed in his mind for future pursuit one day.
I particularly relate to BB's post above in that I didn't pursue treatment and recovery in pursuit of spiritual growth or learning to live a productive life.
I got sober because I was no longer willing to accept the increasingly painful consequences of my chronic drunkenness.
I then learned to live a spiritual life and, in the process, (finally) grow up.
It certainly took a while.
We hope you stick around and keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Illinois
Posts: 71
Thanks all! Great input. I guess we’ll have to take a ‘whatever it takes’ approach. If the first steps to sobriety (motivation not to pick up) have to be loss, or the fear of loss, so be it.
I was hoping he’d learn from my experience and and I could help save him some of the inevitable pain, but like the vast majority of us-he will learn the hard way.
It’s just rather disappointing because about a month ago I heard this whole sob story (after a bender of course) about how he was going to change his ways for his wife and his daughter (my family too).
Yesterday was New Year’s Eve and he left at one in the afternoon for the bars with money they got for Christmas that I know his wife had wanted to do other things with. Come last night about 8 o’clock she had no idea where he was.
Part of the problem is-she really doesn’t give a **** anymore. She does for their daughter, but she really doesn’t care so he really gets no pressure from that angle.
At any rate, he made it home...but once again I’m left shaking my head.
Well-at least I’m full of energy and sober this morning. Happy 2018!
I was hoping he’d learn from my experience and and I could help save him some of the inevitable pain, but like the vast majority of us-he will learn the hard way.
It’s just rather disappointing because about a month ago I heard this whole sob story (after a bender of course) about how he was going to change his ways for his wife and his daughter (my family too).
Yesterday was New Year’s Eve and he left at one in the afternoon for the bars with money they got for Christmas that I know his wife had wanted to do other things with. Come last night about 8 o’clock she had no idea where he was.
Part of the problem is-she really doesn’t give a **** anymore. She does for their daughter, but she really doesn’t care so he really gets no pressure from that angle.
At any rate, he made it home...but once again I’m left shaking my head.
Well-at least I’m full of energy and sober this morning. Happy 2018!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Timmy1028
Thanks all! Great input. I guess we’ll have to take a ‘whatever it takes’ approach. If the first steps to sobriety (motivation not to pick up) have to be loss, or the fear of loss, so be it.
I was hoping he’d learn from my experience and and I could help save him some of the inevitable pain, but like the vast majority of us-he will learn the hard way.
It’s just rather disappointing because about a month ago I heard this whole sob story (after a bender of course) about how he was going to change his ways for his wife and his daughter (my family too).
Yesterday was New Year’s Eve and he left at one in the afternoon for the bars with money they got for Christmas that I know his wife had wanted to do other things with. Come last night about 8 o’clock she had no idea where he was.
Part of the problem is-she really doesn’t give a **** anymore. She does for their daughter, but she really doesn’t care so he really gets no pressure from that angle.
At any rate, he made it home...but once again I’m left shaking my head.
Well-at least I’m full of energy and sober this morning. Happy 2018!
I was hoping he’d learn from my experience and and I could help save him some of the inevitable pain, but like the vast majority of us-he will learn the hard way.
It’s just rather disappointing because about a month ago I heard this whole sob story (after a bender of course) about how he was going to change his ways for his wife and his daughter (my family too).
Yesterday was New Year’s Eve and he left at one in the afternoon for the bars with money they got for Christmas that I know his wife had wanted to do other things with. Come last night about 8 o’clock she had no idea where he was.
Part of the problem is-she really doesn’t give a **** anymore. She does for their daughter, but she really doesn’t care so he really gets no pressure from that angle.
At any rate, he made it home...but once again I’m left shaking my head.
Well-at least I’m full of energy and sober this morning. Happy 2018!
There is nothing you or the wife can do. Do you think she has any power whatsoever in his addiction? Or that you do? That is an illusion, I'm afraid. What would be the correct reaction for her to have, in your opinion?
I hope she finds a way out of this horrible situation for herself and for her innocent daughter.
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