One More Day
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I Paid My Bills!!!
Just sat down at my laptop, looked at the pile of paperwork there, and decided to handle it. I can't begin to describe the feeling this gives me. Years and even decades after struggling to keep my head above water, I still feel the relief of having Taken Care of It.
This is quite possibly due to a stellar day at work; one in which I was spot on, doing and saying all of the right things to support my staff and customers. Again, can't describe that feeling aside from some amount of euphoria that feeds itself.
Perhaps work is my other drug.
But I don't want to/don't have the ambition anymore to make it my life.
Which leaves open the question of what is or could be my other drug? Perhaps that's unhealthy, but I think it's what I need to get out of this vicious hateful destructive insane cycle of self-abuse.
Or maybe that's just further proof of how ill I am.
Hard to tell.
Physically: I feel fine. A bit tired, maybe, but that's earned.
Mentally: Firing on all cylinders; perhaps a bit manic.
Spiritually: An old friend sent me a form of mantra I'm trying to absorb while withholding disbelief. Perhaps you know it? It goes. "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you." Beautiful, hokey, new-agey, I don't knowy.
Just sat down at my laptop, looked at the pile of paperwork there, and decided to handle it. I can't begin to describe the feeling this gives me. Years and even decades after struggling to keep my head above water, I still feel the relief of having Taken Care of It.
This is quite possibly due to a stellar day at work; one in which I was spot on, doing and saying all of the right things to support my staff and customers. Again, can't describe that feeling aside from some amount of euphoria that feeds itself.
Perhaps work is my other drug.
But I don't want to/don't have the ambition anymore to make it my life.
Which leaves open the question of what is or could be my other drug? Perhaps that's unhealthy, but I think it's what I need to get out of this vicious hateful destructive insane cycle of self-abuse.
Or maybe that's just further proof of how ill I am.
Hard to tell.
Physically: I feel fine. A bit tired, maybe, but that's earned.
Mentally: Firing on all cylinders; perhaps a bit manic.
Spiritually: An old friend sent me a form of mantra I'm trying to absorb while withholding disbelief. Perhaps you know it? It goes. "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you." Beautiful, hokey, new-agey, I don't knowy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
O,
That is exactly me.
Except my bills are still in a stack, and work is not as great, but if they were, and it was, I would feel EXACTLY the same.
Weird eh. I come back to my theory that it is all a cycle of self abuse in other forms. When we find a way to break that cycle by DOING the things we need to do, its great.
You are great.
That is exactly me.
Except my bills are still in a stack, and work is not as great, but if they were, and it was, I would feel EXACTLY the same.
Weird eh. I come back to my theory that it is all a cycle of self abuse in other forms. When we find a way to break that cycle by DOING the things we need to do, its great.
You are great.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
yes, i remember well the "no-thought" spaces actions ...and my struggles around "but that can't be! i can't be making decisions without thoughts and ...".
my question came from hearing some others describe occasionally an internal conversation that goes along should-i/should-i-not or will-i/will-i-not lines; a struggle i didn't experience. for me, it was mostly a flipping/falling into a different mode and there was that "it just happened", though that makes no logical sense.
Which leaves open the question of what is or could be my other drug? Perhaps that's unhealthy, but I think it's what I need to get out of this vicious hateful destructive insane cycle of self-abuse.
Or maybe that's just further proof of how ill I am.
perhaps and maybe. i know that having a different focus was needed for me, and in the beginning i steeped myself in sobriety stuff: reading, conversing, participating lots and lots.
you've participated in a lot of things over the last couple of years: IOP, SR, counseling, some AA...so "not doing" is not the problem and i'm wondering what you see as the problem?
my question came from hearing some others describe occasionally an internal conversation that goes along should-i/should-i-not or will-i/will-i-not lines; a struggle i didn't experience. for me, it was mostly a flipping/falling into a different mode and there was that "it just happened", though that makes no logical sense.
Which leaves open the question of what is or could be my other drug? Perhaps that's unhealthy, but I think it's what I need to get out of this vicious hateful destructive insane cycle of self-abuse.
Or maybe that's just further proof of how ill I am.
perhaps and maybe. i know that having a different focus was needed for me, and in the beginning i steeped myself in sobriety stuff: reading, conversing, participating lots and lots.
you've participated in a lot of things over the last couple of years: IOP, SR, counseling, some AA...so "not doing" is not the problem and i'm wondering what you see as the problem?
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Well fini, that's the million dollar question, aina?
There's one thing that's been consistent through all of the action, and that's me. I think that means that I'm the problem.
Hence therapy.
I don't think I'm going to therapy myself out of this problem, but I kind of believe that examining depression and anxiety and what triggers those things might be the clue to what I'm trying to solve with drinking.
Not sure if that makes sense?
There's one thing that's been consistent through all of the action, and that's me. I think that means that I'm the problem.
Hence therapy.
I don't think I'm going to therapy myself out of this problem, but I kind of believe that examining depression and anxiety and what triggers those things might be the clue to what I'm trying to solve with drinking.
Not sure if that makes sense?
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
By the way, last night is the first time I recall saying I'm ill.
Perhaps someone will call me out on that, but it's the first time I remember it just flowing from my fingers without thought. And in some way, it's empowering to think that maybe there is something organically wrong with me. Because if I have a reason then there is likely a solution.
Or so I hope.
Perhaps someone will call me out on that, but it's the first time I remember it just flowing from my fingers without thought. And in some way, it's empowering to think that maybe there is something organically wrong with me. Because if I have a reason then there is likely a solution.
Or so I hope.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
I don't think its black or white. At least it wasn't for me.
For me, getting some help with my other issues helped me accept that no matter what else, the drinking just had to stop, and stopping with drinking then helped me make further progress on my other issues.
But although I stopped with drinking a couple years ago, this dance has been going on for about seven years and only now do I think I have a pretty good handle on the whole shebang, which as I have said enters on shame seeking. Not that I have it sorted, but I think I see it.
I read a great article in the English paper the guardian by Tanya Gold called my alcoholism continued long after I stopped drinking. She captures my point, but calls what I call "shame seeking" "alcoholism."
I like Tanya. I also think this five second rule Mel Robbins is touting has something to it. I started to dismiss it, but when I tried it (5-4-3-2-1) to get out of bed, it worked. To keep doing my work, it worked. Interesting... Going to try it on the bills mañana.
Good night friends.
For me, getting some help with my other issues helped me accept that no matter what else, the drinking just had to stop, and stopping with drinking then helped me make further progress on my other issues.
But although I stopped with drinking a couple years ago, this dance has been going on for about seven years and only now do I think I have a pretty good handle on the whole shebang, which as I have said enters on shame seeking. Not that I have it sorted, but I think I see it.
I read a great article in the English paper the guardian by Tanya Gold called my alcoholism continued long after I stopped drinking. She captures my point, but calls what I call "shame seeking" "alcoholism."
I like Tanya. I also think this five second rule Mel Robbins is touting has something to it. I started to dismiss it, but when I tried it (5-4-3-2-1) to get out of bed, it worked. To keep doing my work, it worked. Interesting... Going to try it on the bills mañana.
Good night friends.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Originally Posted by fini 
so a good question would be whether knowing what you are tryingto solve is necessary in order to stop the solution that does not work for you, i.e. the non- solution.
But...
There is a reason I keep on doing this. And there's a reason I keep fighting this. I think (?) I'm desperately seeking a motivation and I don't have one. I know I should, I know what it could be, but I don't actually feel that there is anything over there. I don't think this is something to debate, it simply is what it is. But I could be wrong as I often am.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Originally Posted by Dropsie
I don't think its black or white. At least it wasn't for me.
For me, getting some help with my other issues helped me accept that no matter what else, the drinking just had to stop, and stopping with drinking then helped me make further progress on my other issues.
For me, getting some help with my other issues helped me accept that no matter what else, the drinking just had to stop, and stopping with drinking then helped me make further progress on my other issues.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I read and think about this crap I write and think "What a freaking sad creature that woman is. I sure don't want them to think that about me because actually I know I'm quite strong. I'm still here, aren't I? "
I don't know. Should I stay or should I go now?
I don't know. Should I stay or should I go now?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
and how could you?
feel that there is something over here?
hope? yes....and i had some kind of trust or call it faith. That sobriety would at the very least offer more possibilities than being stuck in drinking morass.
and, btw, for me " freaking sad" has nothing to do with strength or weakness.
and for what it's worth: i don't think of you as freaking sad.
You seem stuck in a rut with wheels spinning, and strength isn't usually what gets the tires on more level ground.
feel that there is something over here?
hope? yes....and i had some kind of trust or call it faith. That sobriety would at the very least offer more possibilities than being stuck in drinking morass.
and, btw, for me " freaking sad" has nothing to do with strength or weakness.
and for what it's worth: i don't think of you as freaking sad.
You seem stuck in a rut with wheels spinning, and strength isn't usually what gets the tires on more level ground.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi O,
Just wanted to add that I had that same same same thought! Before I got sober. That "what is my new drug" thought.
Wish you could see what's its like over here. I think you'd really shine with it.
Nothing wrong with therapy, its great. It just may not have a whit to do with your drinking. Maybe its just a separate thing you do that helps you.
Just wanted to add that I had that same same same thought! Before I got sober. That "what is my new drug" thought.
Wish you could see what's its like over here. I think you'd really shine with it.
Nothing wrong with therapy, its great. It just may not have a whit to do with your drinking. Maybe its just a separate thing you do that helps you.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Originally Posted by dwtbd
Apparently there’s trouble either way, 
Would leaving be making it easier(?) for more drinks? Or because you feel not having decided to quit means you can’t /shouldn’t be in the club?
Would leaving be making it easier(?) for more drinks? Or because you feel not having decided to quit means you can’t /shouldn’t be in the club?
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by Obladi
Exactly how I feel, broster. I can't or don't belong in the club. And I do so want to be one of you guys.
I read you having difficultly separating your addiction from your depression and other underlying issues.
I considered myself to have been self medicating while drinking.
I had to come to the conclusion that the primary reason I drank is because I am an alcoholic. Pretty simple. For me, self medication was just an excuse to justify continued drinking.
I know you need to come to your own conclusion but I sure wish I could show you the view from the sober side of the bridge.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Yes! It's way better when you put in the time! Alcohol effs with all your feel good chemicals so it causes depression, you won't know what's a result of alcohol and what isn't until you rack up sober months. Here's to a sober O!
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Invitations are nice , but inoperable. YOU gotta join .
On the bottom is the fine print , most of us barely pay attention to the typical boilerplate stuff therein, understandably, but the stuff in this one about encouragement to take the leap of faith, to trust what is being said about being on the ‘other side’ is really all we can do, for someone keeping themselves on ‘that side’, yeah?
Your AV keeps telling you and us , that drinking is providing ..well something , but the truth is it is only taking , little bits of you, stop letting it , I don’t want to see that to continue to happen, no one does.
It isn’t about giving something up, it’s about getting rid of something.
Continued alcohol consumption is about both giving up and getting rid of , only it’s YOU, that can’t be an option, stopping letting it be.
Got your membership card right here, take it
On the bottom is the fine print , most of us barely pay attention to the typical boilerplate stuff therein, understandably, but the stuff in this one about encouragement to take the leap of faith, to trust what is being said about being on the ‘other side’ is really all we can do, for someone keeping themselves on ‘that side’, yeah?
Your AV keeps telling you and us , that drinking is providing ..well something , but the truth is it is only taking , little bits of you, stop letting it , I don’t want to see that to continue to happen, no one does.
It isn’t about giving something up, it’s about getting rid of something.
Continued alcohol consumption is about both giving up and getting rid of , only it’s YOU, that can’t be an option, stopping letting it be.
Got your membership card right here, take it
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
I know I'd be sick and tired of that vicious cycle by now, it's time to get off the see saw. There really needs to be no other reason than just wanting it for yourself and sticking with it until you get beyond its hold on you. I can't imagine still talking about getting sober, that should hopefully be enough of a reason to stop for good. All my hopes for you this time out.
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