One More Day
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
okay, O, you're beyond rationalizing, you say.
care to share what happens , what you tell yourself just before you get the stuff, just before you drink?
you know....my truth includes that i was indeed pitiful. And certainly there was shame...i felt plenty ashamed. Not of behaviours when i was drinking as much as of the fact that i could not stay quit.
it's easy now to say i was pitiful. at this point, i can have compassion for the person i was then and for the place i was in.
at the time, no way.
it' one of the things i've come to see in sobriety: the "pitiful demoralization" the BB mentions was a true place i inhabited. not a judgment, just a fact.
on the other side?
life, Obladi.
real life. it's what i wanted desperately: the real thing, unanaesthetized. no matter how bad....real is better.
care to share what happens , what you tell yourself just before you get the stuff, just before you drink?
you know....my truth includes that i was indeed pitiful. And certainly there was shame...i felt plenty ashamed. Not of behaviours when i was drinking as much as of the fact that i could not stay quit.
it's easy now to say i was pitiful. at this point, i can have compassion for the person i was then and for the place i was in.
at the time, no way.
it' one of the things i've come to see in sobriety: the "pitiful demoralization" the BB mentions was a true place i inhabited. not a judgment, just a fact.
on the other side?
life, Obladi.
real life. it's what i wanted desperately: the real thing, unanaesthetized. no matter how bad....real is better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
I am so glad you are back, Obladi. We don't know what's on the other side, except that it is a better place without alcohol. Everything is better with sobriety. I've found that my sober life is not perfect, but it is good and that is enough--and a vast improvement from the agony and torture of my drinking days. I wish you much peace, strength and a sober new year.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Obladi 
I am so glad you came back. It may feel scary to you to permanently put down the booze but, you can do hard things. I can do hard things.
Among others here, I too, have had some pretty unspeakable things happen in my past. I can't change that. I can't drink them away. The more I tried to bury my pain and fears with alcohol, the bigger they became.
Those things didn't shrink to nothing when I stopped drinking but when I looked these past experiences, stone cold sober, right in the face, I was able to see that the memories and the feelings they brought up, would not kill me, although they were/are painful. I discovered that I could go through pain, I could face my fear, and come out the other side and smile again. I learned that I could bear pain, I could accept the unacceptable and take a tiny step forward. It wasn't easy to accept that I can't change the past, but I want learn to live in peace with all of it.
You have this in yourself to do. I believe you do and so do a whole lot of folks just here on this thread!
Life is hard. Harder for some of us than others. Because it is so hard, the only way to tackle it is sober.
I am so glad you came back. It may feel scary to you to permanently put down the booze but, you can do hard things. I can do hard things.Among others here, I too, have had some pretty unspeakable things happen in my past. I can't change that. I can't drink them away. The more I tried to bury my pain and fears with alcohol, the bigger they became.
Those things didn't shrink to nothing when I stopped drinking but when I looked these past experiences, stone cold sober, right in the face, I was able to see that the memories and the feelings they brought up, would not kill me, although they were/are painful. I discovered that I could go through pain, I could face my fear, and come out the other side and smile again. I learned that I could bear pain, I could accept the unacceptable and take a tiny step forward. It wasn't easy to accept that I can't change the past, but I want learn to live in peace with all of it.
You have this in yourself to do. I believe you do and so do a whole lot of folks just here on this thread!
Life is hard. Harder for some of us than others. Because it is so hard, the only way to tackle it is sober.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 110
Hi Obladi
When I was new to this board you were always so helpful and kind to me. Always responded to my posts. I remember your name because it’s my favorite Beatles song! I’m here after a few relapses as well, hang in there.. seems like you have a lot of people rooting for you .
When I was new to this board you were always so helpful and kind to me. Always responded to my posts. I remember your name because it’s my favorite Beatles song! I’m here after a few relapses as well, hang in there.. seems like you have a lot of people rooting for you .
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, all.
I never left, just haven't had the oomph to say anything. This evening, I did all of the mundane things I ought to do (including picking up my prescriptions and doing the med-minder thing) and that feels like progress.
Perhaps tomorrow I'll have the oomph to get out the laptop and type a proper update.
I appreciate you all.
I never left, just haven't had the oomph to say anything. This evening, I did all of the mundane things I ought to do (including picking up my prescriptions and doing the med-minder thing) and that feels like progress.
Perhaps tomorrow I'll have the oomph to get out the laptop and type a proper update.
I appreciate you all.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Physically: I'm feeling ok. A little achey, but ok.
Mentally: On the rebound, I think.
Spiritually: Thinking/wishing/knowing I should and can find that something greater than myself that will give me the power to come through.
I was going to type "I've been living in a dark place," but I think that's a bit melodramatic and perhaps overstating the case. In truth, it's been a lot more limbo tempered with some good moments. Neglecting my health and my medications did me no favors. This is why my post last night about doing the prescription thing is notable. That plus actually eating dinner; at a reasonable hour, to boot.
fini, what thoughts do I have before I get the stuff? That's a hard one and I ain't lying. I have thoughts when sober like, "Hey, this feels ok." Then at some point the auto-pilot takes over and it seems there IS no thought. Until I actually take that first drink. That moment is one of "ahhh," a release or relief of some kind. Like... "Ok, I can let go of all of this now."
It's some kind of perverse or reverse control thing. As if I am rewarding myself for keeping it all together today by letting go.
That's on my good days.
On the not-so-good days (those when I've already been drinking), I think it's a desire to keep things in a Let Go state. My thinking seems to be, "I'm miserable, let's make that not matter by getting blotto."
I feel like adding a disclaimer every time I write: "And that's not ok but that's the way it is."
Mentally: On the rebound, I think.
Spiritually: Thinking/wishing/knowing I should and can find that something greater than myself that will give me the power to come through.
I was going to type "I've been living in a dark place," but I think that's a bit melodramatic and perhaps overstating the case. In truth, it's been a lot more limbo tempered with some good moments. Neglecting my health and my medications did me no favors. This is why my post last night about doing the prescription thing is notable. That plus actually eating dinner; at a reasonable hour, to boot.
fini, what thoughts do I have before I get the stuff? That's a hard one and I ain't lying. I have thoughts when sober like, "Hey, this feels ok." Then at some point the auto-pilot takes over and it seems there IS no thought. Until I actually take that first drink. That moment is one of "ahhh," a release or relief of some kind. Like... "Ok, I can let go of all of this now."
It's some kind of perverse or reverse control thing. As if I am rewarding myself for keeping it all together today by letting go.
That's on my good days.
On the not-so-good days (those when I've already been drinking), I think it's a desire to keep things in a Let Go state. My thinking seems to be, "I'm miserable, let's make that not matter by getting blotto."
I feel like adding a disclaimer every time I write: "And that's not ok but that's the way it is."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Hi O, glad to see you posting .
Auto-pilot, release-relief, rewarding myself for keeping it together, by letting go, staying in the let-go, oh how I remember those states.
For me, it boiled down to dampening, enhancing, rewarding or obliterating ‘feelings and thoughts’.
Anyway, I don’t believe there’s a need for a disclaimer, because you wouldn’t have returned, if you weren’t still on the path towards not drinking.
.Auto-pilot, release-relief, rewarding myself for keeping it together, by letting go, staying in the let-go, oh how I remember those states.
For me, it boiled down to dampening, enhancing, rewarding or obliterating ‘feelings and thoughts’.
Anyway, I don’t believe there’s a need for a disclaimer, because you wouldn’t have returned, if you weren’t still on the path towards not drinking.
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