Guilt?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Guilt?
I'm doing really solid. 16 days and made it through the holidays. All-round amazing. For some reason, with all the festivities over now, I got hit with a WAVE of sadness today. I'm just so regretful that I couldn't have been the daughter/sister/friend the past 20 years that I should have been. I know the people who love me would tell me to stop, and be proud I'm doing this, and that they of course love me despite it all. But, I think about the tough times they have endured, or the happy times they've had when I could have been a more joyful support, and I'm so regretful that I was not a sober person during those times.
Please don't misunderstand. This is not my AV - I am having no thoughts of drinking. I know that would make things worse. In fact, knowing what I know now (which is not much, after 16 days), it would make going back to my old drunken self just pitiful to me. I'm just wondering if any of you have experience with dealing with regret and guilt over your past. I just demanded so much support from the people around me when I was drinking, because I felt for years like I was alone in the waves, but I DIDN'T get to give it back. I had nothing to give anyone during that time. I didn't even realize, actually, how much support I was pleading for. I'm so blessed I had people to help me, but I just feel such guilt.
Anyway, if you have any advice, I'll take it, as always.
Please don't misunderstand. This is not my AV - I am having no thoughts of drinking. I know that would make things worse. In fact, knowing what I know now (which is not much, after 16 days), it would make going back to my old drunken self just pitiful to me. I'm just wondering if any of you have experience with dealing with regret and guilt over your past. I just demanded so much support from the people around me when I was drinking, because I felt for years like I was alone in the waves, but I DIDN'T get to give it back. I had nothing to give anyone during that time. I didn't even realize, actually, how much support I was pleading for. I'm so blessed I had people to help me, but I just feel such guilt.
Anyway, if you have any advice, I'll take it, as always.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Congrats on 16 days. I had ton's of guilt when I quit. A big part of hitting bottom for me was guilt. With time and being the husband, dad, son I should have been during my drinking years it has lessened and almost gone away. I think some will always be there but not the dark cloud of it that I used to have.
Just hang in there and give it time. It will get better.
Just hang in there and give it time. It will get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
I felt that guilt too, I think many of us did. Honestly, my approach was to take all those feelings of guilt, put them in a box on the shelf, and go about my business of staying sober until I was in a stable place many months down the road, when I could deal with them from a stable sober perspective. We can't change the past, but we can sure screw up the future, and at that time I felt my top priority in all things was to stay sober. There was plenty of time down the road to face those feelings, but in the meantime they were a risk. Guilt is a great gateway, because we know what the easiest way is to run from that guilt is to drown it in alcohol. 
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Three main things kept me going back to drink.
1)My crazy thinking when I was sober (which I wasn't even aware of) put me in conflict with the world around me.
2) The horrible memories of my drinking behaviour, the times when I betrayed my own values, were a terrible burden. Living in constant fear of being "found out"
3) The guilt and remorse that goes with the harm I did others. Having to avoid people, waiting for that tap on the shoulder... constant tension and fear.
Through the 12 steps of AA I came to understand how my crazy thinking was at the root of the problem. I shared the secrets that so troubled me, only to find I was just a normal alcholic, and I cleaned up the mess I made by making restitution and amends to all those I had injured. And I continue to work on living a different way, a way in which drinking is not required.
The end result of that process was there was no guilt left, nothing left to forgive, no skeltons in the closet. There is so much freedom in that
1)My crazy thinking when I was sober (which I wasn't even aware of) put me in conflict with the world around me.
2) The horrible memories of my drinking behaviour, the times when I betrayed my own values, were a terrible burden. Living in constant fear of being "found out"
3) The guilt and remorse that goes with the harm I did others. Having to avoid people, waiting for that tap on the shoulder... constant tension and fear.
Through the 12 steps of AA I came to understand how my crazy thinking was at the root of the problem. I shared the secrets that so troubled me, only to find I was just a normal alcholic, and I cleaned up the mess I made by making restitution and amends to all those I had injured. And I continue to work on living a different way, a way in which drinking is not required.
The end result of that process was there was no guilt left, nothing left to forgive, no skeltons in the closet. There is so much freedom in that
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
as someone who knows relapses i know what your saying.
I would also say stop stop, and be proud your doing this.
Those feeling of guilt and self pity wont do good for anyone.
So hop to it positivie vibes to you
Well done on 16
I would also say stop stop, and be proud your doing this.
Those feeling of guilt and self pity wont do good for anyone.
So hop to it positivie vibes to you
Well done on 16
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Congrats on 16 days!!
I remember the guilt and remorse I felt early in recovery. Don't let it take away from your now. You're the person you're now because of ALL your past. So be grateful that you have the opportunity to learn from those experiences. And you will have an opportunity to make amends if needed once you have solid sobriety.
Learning to forgive includes yourself.
Good luck
I remember the guilt and remorse I felt early in recovery. Don't let it take away from your now. You're the person you're now because of ALL your past. So be grateful that you have the opportunity to learn from those experiences. And you will have an opportunity to make amends if needed once you have solid sobriety.
Learning to forgive includes yourself.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Hello SoHard,
I understand what you're feeling. I think it's important to remember a few things when those feelings come up.
Communicating how we feel with the people most affected by our drinking (in my opinion) is very helpful. For us and for them. To me, it lets them know we are appreciative of their efforts to be there for us, but also that we've been able to take a step back and survey our situation/condition.
We can't change the past, but we can direct our future course. We can't change how we've acted, what we've done to other people, but we CAN be the BEST person we can be for them NOW. They were awesome to stick with us through all the things we did while we were on the booze. I'm sure nothing would make them happier than to see us working to be sober, healthy, and normal again.
There's been some good things stated by the people in the thread here. Best of luck and keep on moving forward. You can do it!
I understand what you're feeling. I think it's important to remember a few things when those feelings come up.
Communicating how we feel with the people most affected by our drinking (in my opinion) is very helpful. For us and for them. To me, it lets them know we are appreciative of their efforts to be there for us, but also that we've been able to take a step back and survey our situation/condition.
We can't change the past, but we can direct our future course. We can't change how we've acted, what we've done to other people, but we CAN be the BEST person we can be for them NOW. They were awesome to stick with us through all the things we did while we were on the booze. I'm sure nothing would make them happier than to see us working to be sober, healthy, and normal again.
There's been some good things stated by the people in the thread here. Best of luck and keep on moving forward. You can do it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Cellardweller 
Hello SoHard,
I understand what you're feeling. I think it's important to remember a few things when those feelings come up.
Communicating how we feel with the people most affected by our drinking (in my opinion) is very helpful. For us and for them. To me, it lets them know we are appreciative of their efforts to be there for us, but also that we've been able to take a step back and survey our situation/condition.
We can't change the past, but we can direct our future course. We can't change how we've acted, what we've done to other people, but we CAN be the BEST person we can be for them NOW. They were awesome to stick with us through all the things we did while we were on the booze. I'm sure nothing would make them happier than to see us working to be sober, healthy, and normal again.
There's been some good things stated by the people in the thread here. Best of luck and keep on moving forward. You can do it!
I understand what you're feeling. I think it's important to remember a few things when those feelings come up.
Communicating how we feel with the people most affected by our drinking (in my opinion) is very helpful. For us and for them. To me, it lets them know we are appreciative of their efforts to be there for us, but also that we've been able to take a step back and survey our situation/condition.
We can't change the past, but we can direct our future course. We can't change how we've acted, what we've done to other people, but we CAN be the BEST person we can be for them NOW. They were awesome to stick with us through all the things we did while we were on the booze. I'm sure nothing would make them happier than to see us working to be sober, healthy, and normal again.
There's been some good things stated by the people in the thread here. Best of luck and keep on moving forward. You can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. What would I DO without SR?!?! I'd be screwed, that's what. I've learned so many vital things.
I'm on day 18. During the past 20 years, I would drink 1+ bottles/s a night. The longest sober stretch was 54 days last year white-knuckling. What's so weird (and great) is this time, in the past 5-6 days, I've stopped counting. I'm never 100% certain what day I'm on until I specifically check. Because, what am I going to do, count forever? I just know 18 days now bc of a "quit app" I have on my phone to sort of hold myself accountable. I think it's a good sign I'm not counting as desperately as I was before, each day is less of a struggle. Anyway, I'm feeling relatively strong except for the guilt, so thanks for your thoughts. I just can't wait for more time to pass until this new normal becomes normal.
I'm on day 18. During the past 20 years, I would drink 1+ bottles/s a night. The longest sober stretch was 54 days last year white-knuckling. What's so weird (and great) is this time, in the past 5-6 days, I've stopped counting. I'm never 100% certain what day I'm on until I specifically check. Because, what am I going to do, count forever? I just know 18 days now bc of a "quit app" I have on my phone to sort of hold myself accountable. I think it's a good sign I'm not counting as desperately as I was before, each day is less of a struggle. Anyway, I'm feeling relatively strong except for the guilt, so thanks for your thoughts. I just can't wait for more time to pass until this new normal becomes normal.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sounds like you are making some great progress Sohard, it's encouraging to see how far you have come. Guilt, among many other things, is simply a part of our lives. Time will help you deal with it, but being sober will also give you the opportunity to face it head on and actually deal with it rather than hiding/running away via alcohol. It is not always pleasant at the time, but the satisfaction of knowing that you actually dealt with/conquered it is far more long-lasting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I have struggled with feelings of guilt, I came out of the fog, looked around and thought, OMG what have I done? How did I let it go on for so long and get so bad? Especially with my children, I have years of their childhoods that I can barely really remember. I think to find redemption we have to seek it, you have to want it and to work for it, and that takes communication, empathy, actions, change, and compassion for those we affected but also for ourselves.
I really like the Maya Angelou quote, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
I really like the Maya Angelou quote, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Trouble is, focussing on our regrets and shame, etc uses up focus and energy that we can out to better use focussing on sobriety, recovery and living amends that we make by doing what we should do and need to do today.
Acceptance is key to recovery. Acceptance of ourselves and others. If our head and emotions are stuck in and consumed by the past, we can't be fully present in today, and that is where our power to change is.
BB
Acceptance is key to recovery. Acceptance of ourselves and others. If our head and emotions are stuck in and consumed by the past, we can't be fully present in today, and that is where our power to change is.
BB
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by zenchaser
I came out of the fog, looked around and thought, OMG what have I done? How did I let it go on for so long and get so bad? ”
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Sohard
👆Yes! This is EXACTLY how I feel. Now that I'm back in the land of the living, I feel like - Jesus Christ, how did I not REALIZE what seems so obvious!
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
Hi Sohard! Thank you for your post - it's a topic we all can relate to, I venture to guess. Yes! My goodness yes. Those feelings of guilt, reliving terrible moments used to creep up on me most unexpectedly; fixing my coffee in the morning, driving home from work, falling asleep at night. I wondered if I would ever stop feelings so lousy for my past wrongs.
I am a firm believer that guilt is toxic and breeds all kinds of other potentially menacing thoughts. Having said that, if guilt is there it's an indication of a wound that hasn't healed. I am still recovering from the guilt and shame I feel for past wrongs committed years and years ago, most of which are rooted in drinking. I am trying to dig past the guilt and get to the wound that needs heeling. Elkhart Tolle might call this a "pain body" and he also offers that time traveling to the past is inadvisable. Best to stay in the here and now. That's hard to do when the pain is still there.
I offer that putting into practice a sober life (not simply abstinence) has a wonderful way of addressing those wounds, severed ties with loved ones, shame and embarrassment, even when we don't realize it.! Because, for me at least, sobriety includes leaving the past behind and striving to be the best version of myself possible each day, as well as working on self-love. This means not repeatedly punishing myself for my mistakes and poor choices, like reliving moments of pain and embarrassment. When my mind wants to wander there, I rebut with, "It doesn't matter because that isn't me anymore and I trust myself and my will for sobriety that it never will be me again. Today I am a responsible and mindful person who has learned from her mistakes and I deserve to enjoy my sober life. I am moving forward." And I whole-heartedly agree and want to italicize the power of acceptance. I accept I made those mistakes. It happened. I can't change the past. All I can do is secure a better future by working on the present.
It's a great post, especially with the New Year approaching.
You deserve to be free of those shackles and you hold the key, Sohard. Love yourself and set yourself free. You are doing great getting back on the sober path. Your higher self will thank you for it.
Have a wonderful and sober New Year, Sohard and may your load be lighter when enter into it.
I am a firm believer that guilt is toxic and breeds all kinds of other potentially menacing thoughts. Having said that, if guilt is there it's an indication of a wound that hasn't healed. I am still recovering from the guilt and shame I feel for past wrongs committed years and years ago, most of which are rooted in drinking. I am trying to dig past the guilt and get to the wound that needs heeling. Elkhart Tolle might call this a "pain body" and he also offers that time traveling to the past is inadvisable. Best to stay in the here and now. That's hard to do when the pain is still there.
I offer that putting into practice a sober life (not simply abstinence) has a wonderful way of addressing those wounds, severed ties with loved ones, shame and embarrassment, even when we don't realize it.! Because, for me at least, sobriety includes leaving the past behind and striving to be the best version of myself possible each day, as well as working on self-love. This means not repeatedly punishing myself for my mistakes and poor choices, like reliving moments of pain and embarrassment. When my mind wants to wander there, I rebut with, "It doesn't matter because that isn't me anymore and I trust myself and my will for sobriety that it never will be me again. Today I am a responsible and mindful person who has learned from her mistakes and I deserve to enjoy my sober life. I am moving forward." And I whole-heartedly agree and want to italicize the power of acceptance. I accept I made those mistakes. It happened. I can't change the past. All I can do is secure a better future by working on the present.
It's a great post, especially with the New Year approaching.
You deserve to be free of those shackles and you hold the key, Sohard. Love yourself and set yourself free. You are doing great getting back on the sober path. Your higher self will thank you for it.
Have a wonderful and sober New Year, Sohard and may your load be lighter when enter into it.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 323
The guilt and shame are not pleasant parts of sobriety but I fee like they're necessary in a way; to forget them completely might lead to thinking that it wasn't *really* that bad and maybe the odd drink is ok. That's how it is for me anyway. I try not to wallow as I don't think that's fair either but I don't let myself truly forget some of the things I've done as they motivate me to keep going.
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