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Really struggling with this....

Old 12-26-2017, 10:47 AM
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Really struggling with this....

When do we really, truly know we've accepted the hurts of the past and learned to let go? It seems like the wounds just are not healing for me. I've tweaked just about everything in my life and the hurts and abuse from the past just keep coming back to haunt me.

Ideas on this? Am I not giving it enough time?
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Old 12-26-2017, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
Ideas on this? Am I not giving it enough time?
Not sure what kind of hurts and abuse you are talking about, not even sure it matters. Sobriety won't heal every hurt but it is the foundation upon which healing can occur. That healing might need to be dealt with by professional, a therapist or counselor.
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Old 12-26-2017, 11:09 AM
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I think too, it is ongoing.

I don't forget [entirely] things that caused me pain. They are like the AV, though. The less time I spend ruminating, the less often they come up.

I have people I have to forgive many times a day sometimes. I haven't even seen them or talked to them in years. I also have to forgive myself sometimes more than once a day for something that happened decades ago.

It comes up. Unbeckoned. But it is possible to let it flow through as just another thought - I am not called to torture myself with my own thoughts. You're Christian. I (and you, and everyone) are forgiven by God. Who am I to try to change that final answer?
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Old 12-26-2017, 11:11 AM
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Have you read this Sticky thread in the Anxiety forum? It's a good one.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...anagement.html (Emotional Memory Management)
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Old 12-26-2017, 11:24 AM
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This is what Mark Twain said, Steve: ... "The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase. If you pursue happiness you’ll never find it. Happy is he who forgets what cannot be changed."
also
Lao Tzu: ... "If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present."
And I know I'm the last one to talk; just thought I'd send you some very wise words...
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Old 12-26-2017, 02:14 PM
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It's a process that takes longer than we want. Over the years I learned to reel my mind back into the present, to stop projecting and compare myself with myself. I learned to let stuff go and realize stories are just stories. My sponsor would say "let go or be dragged". God, is that true. Are you working a program, in therapy? Couldn't have done it on my own.
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Old 12-26-2017, 02:26 PM
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Steve,

My past kept dragging me down time and again for over 20 years. I put together long stretches of sobriety during that time but I kept trying to ignore sorting out my past and hoping those memories would just fade away. Some did, but most did not, and eventually I would drink again. By the past I don't mean 3 weeks or 3 months ago, I'm talking about memories I kept ruminating on for years and/or decades.

I found that writing things out helped. I use AA as my program of recovery and dealing directly with the past is built right into the steps, specifically step 4 (inventory), step 5 (sharing inventory with another person), step 8 (making an amends list), and step 9 (making direct amends). After being in and out of AA and sobriety for over 20 years without ever working the steps I finally became willing to try them and it was a difference maker. Desperation has a funny way of changing one's mind about what they are willing to try.

If AA and taking the steps is a hard no-go for you I would suggest watching a few videos by Dr. Jordan Peterson on YouTube. He's a well known clinical psychologist, professor and author from the University of Toronto who focuses much of his time helping people learn how to "sort themselves out" mentally and emotionally. I have added his philosophies to my sobriety "toolkit" in addition to AA and SR. While he doesn't address alcoholism specifically, I have found that most of his philosophies on life resonate strongly with me as an alcoholic. In addition to that he is just a really interesting guy.

Here is a 7 minute video clip from a lecture he did where he is discussing sorting out the past: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoJ79r_54fc

If you want an expanded video where he is discussing many topics, he was a guest on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast (3 hours long) which has been viewed by nearly 3 million people: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USg3NR76XpQ
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Old 12-26-2017, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
When do we really, truly know we've accepted the hurts of the past and learned to let go?
for me there was much more than accepting then letting go. i looked at every instance and used it to learn what makes me tick- just trying to stuff it or forget it never worked for me. it always came back up and i TRIED to drink it away.
after learning from it, i went out and made amends the best i could-not just saying im sorry, but explainingthe how and why of my part, how i should have handled it, and what ive done to changed.
EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others.
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Old 12-26-2017, 03:33 PM
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Resentment tied me down for a long time.
I couldn't let go because I wanted 'justice' first.

I often quote The Shack by Wm Paul Young :
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― William Paul Young, The Shack
D
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Old 12-27-2017, 03:28 AM
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Thanks for all the replies. I think I was in a rut the past few days, emotionally anyway. In hindsight, I feel I need to accept what has happened and accept that it has made me a better person today!

I'm in a better mood this morning.
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:06 PM
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Life deals us a hand, not all cards are aces. We just have to play it and hope it all works out.
My HP brought me here. His way. I have to accept that. Sometimes it wasn't pretty. It was downright painful. But I'm here. Trusting him to help me survive this disease. The abuse and disappointments were just part of the journey. It's time to keep going forward. That's my order from my HP. Every day we move forward.
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Old 12-28-2017, 10:58 AM
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For me, letting go of past hurts (mostly childhood stuff) has required a lot of 12 step work and a lot of prayer and working the 11th step (trying to develop and maintain a relationship with God, and then trying to learn and do His will each day).

I grew up with a drunk, bitter mother and a father who was more threatening and physical toward the children than he was protective of them (from our mother).

My mother died bitter and my father died angry.

I wish them well, but I'm better off without them.

There is no kind way to put it.

I just keep working the steps and working with God to slowly but surely let go of these matters.

And i ask for help, like you did in originating this thread.

I'm glad you did, and i hope all of the responses help.

They have helped me.
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