Revamped Monotony (Day 129)
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Revamped Monotony (Day 129)
It's interesting,
I've been paying attention to my mental state, reflecting on thoughts that were bothering me before and re-absorbing the paranoid thoughts and memories that I had while self-medicating with alcohol. The interesting thing is I don't know if it's that I'm sober or if my mind is just operating as it always has but I'm just noticing more how I live life and I'm noticing my faults and mental state more now that I've had some time completely sober.
At this point I'm unsure if it's anxiety, depression or what exactly. By the end of most days I feel legitimately "dull" or like I'm empty or hollow mentally. It takes actual effort for me to have excitement or emotion. Some days definitely are different than others and this didn't start with sobriety, I'm afraid it's been a thing far before that. The one thing that would cure this uneasy and dull feeling would be alcohol. I've had multiple jobs, worked for myself, LOTS of change in my life and all of this change hasn't changed anything with my mental state. So I know it's not just I'm burned out from my job or live in a hectic house or something. I'm also a bachelor and haven't had any recent traumatic breakups or experiences in the last 5 years.
I'm no doctor but I believe the increased delivery of serotonin and dopamine was what snapped me out of these sensations and "down" moments when drinking. This is where a strange desperation kicks in, it's different than an AV it's actually what I believe to be a logical part of my mind being hungry for something that can give me that feeling of being awake, not alcohol.
What I'm wondering is, if anyone else was medicating such feelings, in sobriety what have you found to replace alcohol that can snap you out of these feelings or lessen them? I've thought about getting on medications but I've heard worse stories about medications than alcohol. Honestly though, if life is always going to be like this and meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, talk therapy and hobbies aren't helping I don't know how much longer I can go before just going back to drinking. The dull flatness life is sober might not be for me. I'm happy for everyone that it works for though, and even a bit envious.
I've been paying attention to my mental state, reflecting on thoughts that were bothering me before and re-absorbing the paranoid thoughts and memories that I had while self-medicating with alcohol. The interesting thing is I don't know if it's that I'm sober or if my mind is just operating as it always has but I'm just noticing more how I live life and I'm noticing my faults and mental state more now that I've had some time completely sober.
At this point I'm unsure if it's anxiety, depression or what exactly. By the end of most days I feel legitimately "dull" or like I'm empty or hollow mentally. It takes actual effort for me to have excitement or emotion. Some days definitely are different than others and this didn't start with sobriety, I'm afraid it's been a thing far before that. The one thing that would cure this uneasy and dull feeling would be alcohol. I've had multiple jobs, worked for myself, LOTS of change in my life and all of this change hasn't changed anything with my mental state. So I know it's not just I'm burned out from my job or live in a hectic house or something. I'm also a bachelor and haven't had any recent traumatic breakups or experiences in the last 5 years.
I'm no doctor but I believe the increased delivery of serotonin and dopamine was what snapped me out of these sensations and "down" moments when drinking. This is where a strange desperation kicks in, it's different than an AV it's actually what I believe to be a logical part of my mind being hungry for something that can give me that feeling of being awake, not alcohol.
What I'm wondering is, if anyone else was medicating such feelings, in sobriety what have you found to replace alcohol that can snap you out of these feelings or lessen them? I've thought about getting on medications but I've heard worse stories about medications than alcohol. Honestly though, if life is always going to be like this and meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, talk therapy and hobbies aren't helping I don't know how much longer I can go before just going back to drinking. The dull flatness life is sober might not be for me. I'm happy for everyone that it works for though, and even a bit envious.
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Originally Posted by calvinm16 
The dull flatness life is sober might not be for me.
I don't know why you feel the way you do. That's for a professional. But I know addiction.
I'm better off sober, even when "happy" isn't always attainable.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Today I am 14 months sober after drinking every single day for 27 years.
At Day 129 I was still a complete mess mentally. I didn't start to really feel good until I was about 9 or 10 months sober.
The first 6 months were really bad.
My best advice is to not over analyze every thought and feeling, stay occupied and remember that it will get better.
good luck and Happy Holidays.
At Day 129 I was still a complete mess mentally. I didn't start to really feel good until I was about 9 or 10 months sober.
The first 6 months were really bad.
My best advice is to not over analyze every thought and feeling, stay occupied and remember that it will get better.
good luck and Happy Holidays.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 634
Don't chase "happy", that won't help, no one is happy all the time. Feelings are up and down for everyone, sober or not, in fact probably more so sober. I definitely don't spring out of bed at 3 months sober, in fact it is a real struggle to get up, I still suffer from anxiety. I look on myself as a work in progress, I've drank lots for over 20 years, it will take a long time to get used to the new me. What I will not do is drink. Please don't drink, don't entertain the thoughts.
So what would I do? (If I didn't have kids & had more time,...oh to have time!!) books? Films? Volunteering? Jigsaws? I'm a geek, I love jigsaws!!
walk? Faff around on the Internet?
Don't overthink things. Take care. X
So what would I do? (If I didn't have kids & had more time,...oh to have time!!) books? Films? Volunteering? Jigsaws? I'm a geek, I love jigsaws!!
walk? Faff around on the Internet? Don't overthink things. Take care. X
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Sounds like you're working up to a drink.
Just make it through. 129 days is very early on. I was still listening to meditation music all day long at 129 days trying to calm my over-active anxious mind. My two cents also says don't doctor Google it. The anxiety and flatness comes and goes. It took me nearly a year to have a stable mind.
I don't entertain or dwell on the idea that a drink is the answer. Romanticizing the drink is a dangerous past-time.
I said (in answer to those thoughts) - "Thanks for piping up, annoying voice. I don't drink and I won't - no matter what."
That's the way out permanently. Hope you're feeling more stable now.
Just make it through. 129 days is very early on. I was still listening to meditation music all day long at 129 days trying to calm my over-active anxious mind. My two cents also says don't doctor Google it. The anxiety and flatness comes and goes. It took me nearly a year to have a stable mind.
I don't entertain or dwell on the idea that a drink is the answer. Romanticizing the drink is a dangerous past-time.
I said (in answer to those thoughts) - "Thanks for piping up, annoying voice. I don't drink and I won't - no matter what."
That's the way out permanently. Hope you're feeling more stable now.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Lots of great advice here Calvin. 129 days sober is fantastic, but it's very early from a psychological standpoint. It can take months, even years to sort out some of the problems we tried to bury/hide from with alcohol. You mention anxiety abs depression...have you sought professional help to see if you are actually suffering from them? They are very common and also very treatable.
As addicts we are wired to want instant gratification. Drugs/alcohol give that to us, but only for a fleeting moment. And after a while we don't even get that anymore. True healing is a long process, but it's well worth it in the long run.
As addicts we are wired to want instant gratification. Drugs/alcohol give that to us, but only for a fleeting moment. And after a while we don't even get that anymore. True healing is a long process, but it's well worth it in the long run.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
There is a freight train in my mind that has lost its brakes,
it's accelerating faster and faster until something slows it down.
What is that something?
I've been asking myself that question while I already know the quick, easy and short answer.
I'm drained.
I'm really just not sure where to go from here. I thank you all for your advice and information.
it's accelerating faster and faster until something slows it down.
What is that something?
I've been asking myself that question while I already know the quick, easy and short answer.
I'm drained.
I'm really just not sure where to go from here. I thank you all for your advice and information.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by calvinm16
There is a freight train in my mind that has lost its brakes,
it's accelerating faster and faster until something slows it down.
What is that something?
I've been asking myself that question while I already know the quick, easy and short answer.
I'm drained.
I'm really just not sure where to go from here. I thank you all for your advice and information.
it's accelerating faster and faster until something slows it down.
What is that something?
I've been asking myself that question while I already know the quick, easy and short answer.
I'm drained.
I'm really just not sure where to go from here. I thank you all for your advice and information.
This speeding toward a drink - only you can stop it.
I don't grab onto those thoughts - nothing good that way lies. Get busy doing something - a walk, fixing something that needs fixing, posting to other peoples' threads, cleaning out a shelf or your car.
Exercise is great for stopping that spinning. Do 50 jumping jacks and report back.
Do the next right thing. One thing at a time. Stay in the moment.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
I've done box breathing and I go to the gym frequently. lol
I didn't end up drinking, also the urge to drink went down tremendously since my initial post. I just sat back and thought of the money I was spending on beer, also the time alone that I'd invest in going to the store, buying a 6 pack of craft beer and sitting at my desk drinking all 6 within a few hours. Mind you each beer would typically contain 6-7% ABV.
It was almost a ritual before bed. I was able to remember the first week or few days of my sobriety and how hard it was to take the first steps and break the habits. I legitimately got no sleep the first nights and my brain was all jacked up from not having its daily dose of ethanol. I don't want to want a drink anymore. The reward a drink offers is short lived and the negatives surely can outweigh the positives from a financial and medical standpoint. I really want to learn to live without alcohol and without cravings for alcohol but I doubt that'll ever happen.
I have an introverted rebellious side to me. It has me act on stuff I don't want to and once I finally give in the stress of it goes away. It's like a purchase, I'll buy something I really shouldn't or don't need and I get a good feeling. I want this same feeling on demand by having some beers, not only would I enjoy the flavors of the winter beers but I'd also get that reward, the high. But of course what comes up must come down and honestly I don't want to experience the same lows I did before, not to mention the grief and self loathing I'd have by letting everyone who's tried to help me down, also anyone who believed in me down. "Did you hear? Calvin's back on the beers" I can hear it already and I envy that ever happening.
There the rebellious side of me goes, it said "well heck with all that! Why limit yourself for other people? Who cares what they think or expect of you! It's your life!" Urg.. I'll have to sort the rebellious part of my brain out one of these days, somehow...... Maybe when I'm in the grave it will shut up. Probably then... Because so far I've yet to figure out a way around it or a way to live with it comfortably.
I didn't end up drinking, also the urge to drink went down tremendously since my initial post. I just sat back and thought of the money I was spending on beer, also the time alone that I'd invest in going to the store, buying a 6 pack of craft beer and sitting at my desk drinking all 6 within a few hours. Mind you each beer would typically contain 6-7% ABV.
It was almost a ritual before bed. I was able to remember the first week or few days of my sobriety and how hard it was to take the first steps and break the habits. I legitimately got no sleep the first nights and my brain was all jacked up from not having its daily dose of ethanol. I don't want to want a drink anymore. The reward a drink offers is short lived and the negatives surely can outweigh the positives from a financial and medical standpoint. I really want to learn to live without alcohol and without cravings for alcohol but I doubt that'll ever happen.
I have an introverted rebellious side to me. It has me act on stuff I don't want to and once I finally give in the stress of it goes away. It's like a purchase, I'll buy something I really shouldn't or don't need and I get a good feeling. I want this same feeling on demand by having some beers, not only would I enjoy the flavors of the winter beers but I'd also get that reward, the high. But of course what comes up must come down and honestly I don't want to experience the same lows I did before, not to mention the grief and self loathing I'd have by letting everyone who's tried to help me down, also anyone who believed in me down. "Did you hear? Calvin's back on the beers" I can hear it already and I envy that ever happening.
There the rebellious side of me goes, it said "well heck with all that! Why limit yourself for other people? Who cares what they think or expect of you! It's your life!" Urg.. I'll have to sort the rebellious part of my brain out one of these days, somehow...... Maybe when I'm in the grave it will shut up. Probably then... Because so far I've yet to figure out a way around it or a way to live with it comfortably.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 611
This rebellious side of yours sounds a lot like an addictive voice to me. Have you looked into AVRT? You seem to be enjoying the benefits of sobriety (congrats on your time) but there's also a lot of justification for future drinking in there too. Learning to single out the addictive voice and dispatch it has been a big help for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Those feelings were unbearable for me. I just wanted to die. I wish I'd been able to describe them as well as you do. My doctor gave me the brush off despite my tears and hysteria, so I didn't get medicated, which I now feel is a good thing. It was the hell of living with those feelings that finally made me willing to get a sponsor and work the 12-step program of recovery, and I find that but I keep doing that work and keep my gratitude up and work with others (other alcoholics, but also other people) and keep focus on helping others as much as or more than helping myself, then the world seems a brighter place. But it needs to be ongoing. A day of soley selfish persuits and indulgences tends to leave me feeling rather flat- that old restlessness, irritability and discontentment soon starts rattling me again.
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