calvinm16

I've noticed that since being sober for about 4 months my Alcoholic Voice in my head has gotten extremely clever and loud.

I may be starting a new job in the city soon. I'd be much more financially comfortable, doing a job I'm more prone to enjoy and also have an opportunity to get some social interaction with people that i can look forward to instead of being isolated in my home & home office days at a time.. Basically a suit & tie tech job that will definitely open up the door for me to make a serious advancement in my career.

This new job asked me during the interview if I use tobacco, I said yes and they basically asked if I'd be willing to quit since that'd be one of the requirements. They're a "tobacco free" company. I said yeah not a problem, but the last 3 days without cigarettes I was having such intense cravings for alcohol that I had to go back to them.. I think I'll just smoke them outside of work and when at work use nicotine gum or something like that..

The weirdest thing of all is I was on Google Maps looking up the office building and nearby businesses and stuff. It's in a VERY cool part of my town and the coolest bar & lounge I think I've ever seen is right across the street. My AV caught fire and was like "After work you can go get a beer in that place! What fun!" and it started creating scenarios and saying well new career you're finally going to be where you wanna be so when you drink you won't get depressed & anxious anymore. Also you can just drink when out in the city and not at home.

Scary stuff.. The scariest thing is these fantasies were the strongest I've experienced in my 4 months sober. Basically felt like I've already slipped up and I legitimately looked at the clock to see if it was past 2 AM (alcohol purchase cut off in my state). This is an issue I had in early recovery and while being an alcoholic, I used to make sure I had beer stocked up in excess prior to 2 AM.. I haven't looked at the clock like that since the first ~30-40 days of sobriety.. I am legit feeling sick and tired after that experience. Drained and feel like giving up my sobriety at this point and just saying F IT ALL WHY DOES IT MATTER?!

I do know better though, I'm not going to relapse today, that's for sure.. The one thing that has helped me stay sober is the "I won't drink today, but tomorrow is a new day." and I've told myself this every day. I have a dangerous problem with self-loathing. I'm very self-critical and the thought of going back to drinking I can already feel the hatred I'd have for myself and disappointment if I were to drink again.....

Really could use some of your guys insight.

Maudcat

Well, starting a new job, however longed for, is scary, and that could be kicking up the AV.
Lounges aren’t cool.
Sorry, but they’re not.
They are simply places to drink.
How about focusing on friendships/connections you can make in your new job that don’t involves drinking?
Bicycling, hiking, art events, etc.
Start the new job as a proud, non drinking person.
You’ve earned it.

entropy1964

Hmmm. I know for me my addiction is a brain 'condition'. In other words, my brain is habituated to crave alcohol. If I replace alcohol with other substances I'm really just keeping that well developed neuro pathway open and ready for foot traffic. For me, my other substance is sugar. I'm able to 'control' my use, but damn I crave the stuff. I do so many of the same behaviors/thinking as my drinking. "ok, no sugar today" she says as she's eating chocolate chips. So its breaking those habits that lead straight back to drinking. And recognizing that what is happening is normal. As I break the habit with sugar, my brain very well may crave alcohol. I have to accept that for what it is and use some kind over 'other' more healthy coping mechanism. For me that's exercise. Time weakens the neuropathway. And sugar is much like alcohol, when I don't consume any at all, I will stop craving it. Maybe you can use some kind of Ecig to transition from smoking to non smoking. Do some other kind of ritual to replace the 'smoke break'? I dunno. Smokers I'm sure have better advice.

The troubling part, for me, is the constant use of 'maybe I'll drink tomorrow, just not today'. That can work in a pinch, but for me that wouldn't be sustainable. Its what I call a 'reservation'. For me that technique will eventually fail and I'll be drinking. Do you think you have fully accepted that you are alcoholic? I do very much embrace ODAT thinking, but just putting the AV off will keep is fueled to bother you every day.

ScottFromWI

Glad you came here to write down and share those thoughts Calvin, and congratulations on the new job opportunity.

Regarding the AV/cravings/thoughts of drinking - do you follow any regular pattern/plan to addresss your addiction/sobriety? I mean other than just telling yourself you won't drink today? Having a daily dose of recovery, whether it's through a structured program or even spending time here on SR can go a long way. Your addiction is always there in the back of your mind, and if you let it fester it will absolutely try and make a comeback. You are seeing that now with the thoughts of the club, etc.

Regarding the self loathing, have you ever addressed that either through some self help or even possibly counseling? Almost all of us have underlying issues intertwined with our addiction - and quitting is definitely the first step in addressing them. But we need to actively face them and do what is necessary to correct them, quitting drinking in itself is not a cure.

calvinm16

Thank you for reading and posting. I have a hard time accepting that I'll NEVER do something again, that's the only reason I use that motto, not today but maybe tomorrow.

I do accept and believe that I'm an alcoholic but I have a hard time gauging the severity of my abuse. My AV likes to rationalize by saying "Oh you only drank a 6 pack most nights, nothing wrong with that" when there definitely is something wrong with it. Yeah I wasn't chugging down a fifth of vodka a day or waking up to a drink but I still was drinking a lot more than what's "healthy" or "normal".

The weird thing my AV does is basically says "You haven't even hit rock bottom how can you stop now? Go get a buzz and enjoy yourself while you can. Your still young and have plenty of time to sober up later."

I know it's really weird the way my brain rationalizes and a lot of the things I enjoyed like craft beer, fine whiskeys and having a real beer with my meals is kinda gone now so I feel cheated even though it's my choice to better my life.

My brain suppresses out memories so it's hard for me to remember how awful I was feeling near the end of my drinking psychologically. This is what makes my AV stronger and makes it harder for me to stay on the wagon.

Stayingsassy

Hey, Calvin. . Again, you are somehow inside my sober, yet very addicted, brain.

That was, I agree, one hell of a trigger. Especially since you are single, so you are naturally seeking out social venues.

How many times have you tried to quit in the past decade? I don’t know how old you are...I’ve tried to quit countless times and it’s always ended up the same way so my personal drinking experiments are pretty clear. That helps me when I am craving. It’s important to remember why we quit and to have faith a better life lies out there for us ahead.

I’m much the same way with sugar that you are with nicotine, I am terribly addicted and plan to cut it in January, which in terms of AV is not. Going. To be fun.

I have to have goals, projects, fun things planned that can fire up my pleasure spot in the brain. Think about it, it’s not just booze and smokes, is it? Plan something else, something cooler and better than that lounge across the street, because if you’re sitting in your apartment and wishing you could go out that’s not going to cut it. You’ve got to still have some fun, something to work towards.

waynetheking

Get the thought of drinking out of your head. Chances are you will loose the new job if you go back to your old ways. Am I right?
Nice cool bar or not, you can't drink again. Your an alcoholic. Alcoholism will destroy you. It's call acceptance. You have some good sobriety now. It's a miracle. Brick and mortar and shiny glass means nothing. Look at the gift, ignore the illusion. It's simple.

Sohard

I'm new to sobriety, but I was drawn to your statement that your work would be "in a VERY cool part of my town and the coolest bar & lounge I think I've ever seen is right across the street." I don't know, I guess my definition of "cool" has changed since I've taken a long hard look at my drinking. I just don't see how ANY bar and lounge could be that "cool". Would it be so cool to you at 7am with cigarettes outside the door and the sticky floor being mopped? It's not like we are talking the Louvre here. How cool can it be? I would try to think of it in the bright daylight, not during the romanticized fun city night, so you are less drawn to it. Even if it was fun, I'm sure waking up thinking about how you'd screwed your sobriety over bc a part of town seemed hip wouldn't feel so cool. Just thought reframing it might help you, but feel free to ignore.

entropy1964

not today but maybe tomorrow.

Hi Calvin. Yeah. The not today part works....its that maybe tomorrow that I'd try to rethink. You know what I do? "Hey the kid'll be outta the house in a year....maybe then". Yikes. That's a reservation. So I've taken a different tactic with my AV....I simply tell it that I understand that IT wants to drink. But I don't. And I'm not doing that today. Period. I think in Rational Recovery 'they' say to make a commitment to never drink again. Period. I've sort of tweaked that.

Your still young and have plenty of time to sober up later."
Quite honestly Calvin, no you don't. If you are young, do it now. All you will have is more regrets and a lower bottom later. Period.

My brain suppresses out memories so it's hard for me to remember how awful I was feeling near the end of my drinking psychologically.
Yup. Most of us do that. I however drank until it got so bad that I DO remember. I come here and go to AA so I never forget how bad withdrawal is or how dangerous alcoholism is. It kills. Period. The brains ability to forget is rather amazing. Why do ya think women keep having babies? I know that's a weird analogy but I truly can't remember how much that hurt. And believe me, I know it does. But my brain doesn't. Pretty interesting.

Hang in there.

calvinm16

True that. I'll be 24 in January so don't forget to get me a present. lol jk :P

I drank pretty heavily from about 18-23 so almost 6 years of pretty much nightly drinking at least a 6 pack of budweiser a night but in that period I always tried to quit going back to the store for more beer. That turned into 12, then 24 so on.. So if I were to say how many times I actually tried to stop for more than 1 week, definitely more times than I could count without using an App or writing it down in a calendar.

These ~122 days have been the longest I've been without alcohol in 6 years. I personally quit because it was causing me some really horrid depression & self loathing. I'd drink and feel really good, then wake up and feel dread and legit like how I'd imagine someone feels if they killed someone on accident. It was a horrible stomach twisting, throat squeezing feeling every time.

I eventually realized with lots of research that the alcohol was likely causing this extreme anxiety, self loathing and meaningless grief and dread. I'd get drunk then isolate myself and just think of every bad thing I've done and it would legit have me thinking about turning myself into the police and stuff lolol now that I look back I was legitimately going insane I think. That's why I quit, it legit was driving me insane.

Honestly though when I'd drink all of my anxieties and stress would fade away and I'd feel really good and positive, once it wears off is when I'm in hell. So I decided either be a full time drunk where I'm drunk morning to night, likely die before 40 or be sick the rest of my life or sober up. Here I am, sober and I can say the logical part of my brain has come back 10x. I'm far less depressed and anxious and I'm starting to get a grip on WHO I AM because honestly I was lost and I still really don't know who i am or where I've been my entire life. It's like I'm living in someone else's body at times.

The feeling of giving up and losing myself again, chugging down some alcohol and just escaping sounds really good most of the time. But what I do is think back to the night I quit, and how I was pacing in my garage smoking and just thinking I have to F'ing stop it!

Also i can attribute probably 80% of the reason i haven't relapsed to this forum and you guys. This forum helps me have compliance and integrity. I just go back and read my threads from a couple months ago and it helps remind me where I was and where I'm at now.

calvinm16

lol that analogy is good. I'd imagine a screaming human being pushed out isn't a good feeling.

I have thought of the "you're still young" thing logically as well, thinking imagine how bad you feel now about negative stuff you've done while drinking instead of working towards something positive and the thought makes me sick. I feel like I'd definitely have a lower bottom if I started drinking again but my AV tells me it'll be different. It also tells me that I've had a long enough break that I can control my drinking and just drink on weekends or a couple times a week. LOL says the guy who bought a mini fridge for his room within arms reach and had it stocked full of beer on a daily basis. AHAHA

calvinm16

"So worth it, that was such a hip & cool place." Yeah I definitely don't see myself saying that.

rascalwhiteoak

Four months after I stopped drinking, my town's first microbrewery opened. Cool spot by a river, and apparently good food and beer. Not going in is just the trade-off for everything else I have now. I also run by this brewery regularly now, something I wasn't physically able to do when drinking.

The job sounds like a wonderful opportunity. I wouldn't overthink the surroundings