calvinm16

I don't feel much anymore, or at least much like myself. Then when I think about it I really don't know myself or who I am or where I've been lately.

A friend visited who I grew up with and we were best friends all through elementary school, we spent almost literally our entire childhoods together. He was telling me all these things we did, how much fun we had and etc.. I followed along but honestly I don't remember 90% of it. Then I started thinking, I don't remember much of anything in my life at all. Mainly just bad stuff or things I don't want to remember. I feel very depersonalized today, I was walking outside and didn't feel my footsteps and was almost thinking of my legs swinging and landing like I was floating, I feel very numb, dull & tired even though I slept 12 hours last night. I'm so low on energy that even sitting here typing I'm kind of noticing myself slumped over almost having a hard time sitting up.

I had dreams last night that were so extremely enjoyable. I was drinking in my dream. I was remembering school, walking around with my friends, remembering my beautiful ex girlfriend in school and just feeling so good and so right.. I could see my ex girlfriend smiling at me and hugging me in the hallway and it really was weird because I haven't seen her or talked to her in probably 12 years. Being sober has stopped me from getting a girlfriend I feel like because saying "I don't drink" seems to be the real quick way for a girl to stop talking to you. Before I didn't have that problem..

I was thinking about drinking today to see what happens, thinking maybe if I can't get or afford professional help and if what I'm trying now isn't working or making me happy why not just go back to what I know works, alcohol. Groups do not help me at all. I have a very hard time relating with anyone and honestly going about sobriety myself so far has been what made me successful. Trying to relate to someone who quit drinking because their wife & kids left them since they were abusive a**holes on alcohol isn't me. I don't really know how someone could be an a**hole on alcohol because I only feel happy and calm.

The phase of being super happy and proud of being sober is completely gone, I don't look at it as an accomplishment at all I actually feel like it's a limitation now that I'm no longer able to be happy normally and meeting a girlfriend or having a relationship is obviously near impossible being a straight edge person. Quitting drinking has actually led me back to smoking a half pack of cigarettes a day just so I don't go completely insane or flip out on people or myself. The main problem I have with drinking is that when I'm drunk or buzzed I actually feel like "myself" and typically really good. It's when the drink wears off that I start feeling this dull, boring and completely energy lacking personality that I don't want to feel.

I was having thoughts of "what is the point" today that really scared me. It wasn't just why does this happen or what is the point of x thing I was thinking what is the point of living. I started having thoughts that expanded from that where I had to stop myself and say listen you're just not thinking clearly, but it was hard to convince these thoughts to go away.

This post is to vent how I'm feeling, possibly someone could relate. I do not plan to drink today but trust me my mind is currently plotting about 100+ reasons I should tomorrow or the next day.

SnazzyDresser

Excellent post. I can relate to a lot of feelings you're having. I also don't like groups and have done this thing on my own, and I've also felt empty at times. I'd strongly urge you to give sobriety more time, and also to continue to improve yourself in other ways besides not drinking. Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say!

doggonecarl

105 days sober is a great accomplishment. Sorry you are disenchanted with being sober. But the problem may not be sobriety. They problem may be you only put the drink down and you are not addressing the underlying issues that are causing you to feel the way you do.

"...if what I'm trying now isn't working or making me happy why not just go back to what I know works, alcohol."

If alcohol "worked" why did you decide to get sober? The "fix" that alcohol brings is elusive, short-lived at best. Read you first post.

Sobriety isn't a fix for everything. See a mental health professional. It better than drinking. Good luck.

calvinm16

Seeing a mental health professional is definitely my next step. The reason I did quit alcohol was when I wasn't drunk was when I felt this way. The downsides of alcohol such as not legally being able to drive, weight gain, health deterioration were why I stopped. So I agree, I need to figure out why I feel this way and try to address it another way than just getting drunk. Doctors want to give me anti psychotic meds probably once they hear how I feel on a daily basis.

biminiblue

There are tons of great self-help books out there, too. Head to a bookstore and buy a couple. The library is another resource. I did that when I just couldn't "settle down" in my late twenties/early thirties. Lots of wisdom out there, plenty of help.

Doug39

I drank every single day for 27 years.

I felt like what you describe during the last 7 to 10 years of my drinking.

I was unsure of who I was, where I was going, and how to continue living.

I was unsure if any of my memories really happened, were a fantasy, or was something I saw I TV.

All the liquor really fried my brain.

It took several months of sobriety but I feel better. It is a lot of work staying sober but a lot less trouble than being a full time active alcoholic.

Hawkeye13

I always planned relapses by thinking how much better off I felt drinking.
But I didn't for long. And the "bliss periods" got shorter and shorter
with more and more physical issues and harder consequences as the years passed.

Beyond stopping drinking, what have you done towards recovery?
By this, I mean actively working to introduce new activities, old hobbies,
a new non-drinking focused social connection, etc.?

If you are pretty much in the same world you were in drinking,
no wonder it looks grey and uninviting.
The next steps are work, but so worth it.

Wishing you peace

calvinm16

As far as hobbies go I picked up boating and spent more time at work. I was never a social drinker really, I had a few drinking buddies but we were cheap and would just drink in our garages or randomly go to bars on rare occasions. I mainly drank where I'm sitting now on my computer and just played video games or browsed the net. So considering I work sitting here, it's kinda hard to change that. lol

I had health issues starting from drinking such as elevated liver enzymes and weight gain but I'm sure more could happen if I were to continue.

Hawkeye13

What about getting away from work and computer and spending some time in Nature?
Boating is terrific for that, but what about hiking or something that moves your body
and really gets the heart going?
I deal with long-term anhedonia, and physical activity outside in the fresh air
and forest, lakes, ocean, mountains, etc. is one of the few things that lets me
"engage" emotionally.

Besides, we all spend way too much time sitting between work and the internet.
Moving the body intensively actually really helps with anxiety and other emotional
stuff that comes up when we quit using alcohol.
I'm not social either, but a bit of face time without media is also something to consider.

Also, I found mediation, yoga, journaling very helpful in getting at the underlying
feelings that drove the drinking.
I used to think all that stuff was too "woo woo" for me, but not now.
It actually works.

Yes, "more" can happen in terms of physical damage if you continue drinking. Count on it.
I lasted for quite awhile but it will catch up in the end.

Stayingsassy

Calvin,
I appreciate you putting into words what I’ve been struggling to describe in myself lately, but I have the same sorts of feelings. There’s a kind of nothingness, almost. Definitely an anhedonia, especially with longer moments between things that are happening, so the quiet times, the down times, I don’t really know where my brain is. In social situations I am quiet. Even with family. I don’t quite know how to join in lately. Last night my husband said “I don’t know why but your mood is weird, lately, I can’t figure out what’s going on with you.” Take a number sweetie, lord if I know either.

What I do know is, alcohol is a ludicrous solution for this. Picture telling a doctor or a counselor about these struggles with feeling a good flow in life and being told, “yeah I think you just need to get drunk.” Nope.

Since when is alcohol a solution for anything? Do most people go around thinking gosh I feel off, I feel empty, I feel almost nothing, I feel slow, I feel disjointed....I think I’ll get drunk? No, alcoholics think that. Alcohol was our fix for it all.

It’s no longer our solution. I don’t care how bad it gets. We find another way to get through it. No one said it would be easy, it’s not. But we don’t drink, anymore, no matter how hard it is.

Plus, life is like that sometimes, life isn’t always even off or unfocused, sometimes it’s just downright dark and nasty. Then it gets better. Like the ocean tides, they come in, they go out. Night comes, then the sun rises. The bright summer fades into cold and dark. Flowers wither and die, then new seedlings poke through the soil in the spring.

This too, shall pass.

Dee74

It might be hard, but not impossible. I got sober in the same house I did most of my self destructive drinking in.

The house didn't change but I did

I think the really hard work in recovery is about building a sober life we love - one we don't want to escape from.

Thats doubly hard cos it sounds like you were a lot like me - you sat in one place and drank.

Doing that for years really makes our imaginations flabby - but there still is a world out there of things to do and a world of people to meet - not all of them will define you, or themselves by drinking habits

All of this takes time patience and a little faith that things will turn out.
There are no answers back the way we came.

Focusing on areas of interest and hobbies is as good a way as any to start thinking about things to do.

Getting outside is the first step

D

ForestFrenzy

Thank you for opening up and sharing with us, and also for staying honest about where you are right now with the AV.
I also relate to a lot of what you are saying.
When I was pretty far into my third year of sobriety, the pride and zeal for living anew was wearing off. I started to examine my life and while professionally I was doing great, personally I felt very lonely and unfulfilled.
The "what's the point?" wore away at my tenacity and conviction.
The point is, your worst day sober is still worlds better than your best day drunk.
Sometimes the point - the reason not to drink - will simply be "because it's a bad idea - period." Other days, it's "Because why would you throw away how great life is for something that is just illusory."
I think many of us (certainly I do) underestimate how long it takes return to how our lives were and HOW we are, before we started drinking. Depression, apathy, anxiety, all can be directly because we are still healing form alcohol - long into sobriety. But you deserve to give it a fighting chance. You deserve a fighting chance. Don't deny yourself that.
Drinking trains us to look for instant rewards and satisfaction. In the light of day, in REAL life, it can take a lot longer but we learn and gain so much along the way, too.
Looking back can be intoxicating; I have been doing that a lot as the holidays are upon us. How much I miss the way Thankgivings used to be, how celebratory we were during Christmas, that we were all so close back then. I have to pull myself out of it and keep eyes looking ahead. I remember that I am creating for myself a bright future and excited to make new memories. I accept that life keeps moving forward - time cannot be stopped so I have to roll with it and not fight. To resist is to suffer. And I have inflicted enough suffering on myself for a lifetime, quite honestly.
Keep with it. Stay with us. Love yourself. You deserve it.

Dropsie

Calvin,

Thanks for being so honest and for starting this wonderful thread.

I can only echo what others have said, we have ALL felt what you are feeling. EVERYONE of us.

It is real -- the mind take time to start firing its own happiness after all those years of giving it the easy way through drinking or whatever.

I got the point where I just thought this was the way it was going to be, melancholic even when happiness was warranted. But I knew that drinking would not help, indeed quite the opposite, even though my wee beastie tried to convince me otherwise of course.

But then, one day, I realised that it was better, not perfect, but good. Happy. And sober no less.

And this os one of the many things that keeps me from drinking. I know for sure that if I were to drink even a little bit that process of brain recovery would have to start over too.

Not me, not this girl.

Please give it time. You will get there, we all did. Sobriety is not perfection, but its great.

Thanks again.

XX

zjw

I felt the depersonalization and delrealization to be comforting.. I mean at first it scared the crap out of me. I thought wtf is wrong with me. But i quickly relized i was not equipped and too screwed up to handle / cope with every day life and my brains way of protecting me was to do the depersonalization derealization thing while it was all healing in my noggin. I came to enjoy these states to be honest. it was nice to not feel myself i started to enjoy it really.

It still happens to me too recently I had to go to the dentist. the first visit i basicly left myself shortly before ig ot there. The second time i had to get a tooth pulled again dunno where i went but i wasnt there. then when i got back to the car i kidna came too and there i was on 2 valiums having a full blown panic attack and tear fest in the car. I'm glad for the depersonalization tho without it i would have likely lost my **** in the dentists chair instead of the car after words.

My point is its the minds way of protecting itself i think anyhow.

As far as life not seeming worth living give it time. As we shed our bad habits and expose our selves to this world / life its kidna tough. Its like getting out of a hot shower into a cold bathroom it doesnt seem comfortable like at all! It'll get easier as sober life starts to feel more the norm to you..

Hang in there it sounds like your healing I'd give the process some time even tho I know we want everything yesturday lol.

calvinm16

I'm sorry to hear someone is feeling the same as me. But it's actually comforting to know I'm not the only one that's feeling like this. I agree that drinking definitely isn't a solution but sometimes on my worst days I feel like maybe it is, I know that's just the addiction and my brain saying "feed me liquor". lol

I actually woke up today with a different outlook thanks to you guys posting and just reading into what I might actually be experiencing. I think I need to be seen by a psychiatrist so they can actually diagnose me. Since I was young I've never been to a psychologist or anything like that but actually have been told by people I should.

I've been doing some research and I think what might actually be going on is bipolar & anxiety disorder. I get really really down and then randomly I'll feel extremely manic and energetic. I woke up this morning and cleaned and organized my entire room, went to the gym and worked out for 1 hour and THANKFULLY I'm still feeling good mentally. I also have zero urge or craving to drink right now..

I really do think it will pass and if I listen to what other recovering alcoholics that have been at it longer than me say, it should get better with time. I'm still early with only a few months in.

I'm going to try and find less destructive hobbies and try to find some more sober friends I can hangout with.

calvinm16

Dee thank you for reading and posting. I agree that going back the way I was definitely isn't where I want to be. I took time to clean my office & room and just change things around a bit. I think that helps a lot. I'm going out today to do some archery with a friend on his property. I think some fresh air & sporting will get me in a new head space.

Fortunately I have had an ear infection so my doctors orders have been able to get me a few days off work. I think a huge part of my depression and stress is the tech job I do. It's extremely demanding and when I'm clocked in it's NON STOP troubleshooting and helping people which can feel good but also be a huge brain drainer!! lol

MindfulMan

That was a great post!

Anhedonia and depersonalization/derealization are common in early recovery. You are definitely not alone.

I think seeing a psychiatrist is an excellent idea. If there is an underlying mental health condition, addressing that may fix the way you feel about life in general. I attribute a good chunk of how I feel in relatively early sobriety to psych meds for bipolar II disorder. Not nearly 100% of the fix for me, but they got me up and out and working out and MOVING again. If you can, try and find one with addiction/recovery experience as well.

I think you're overestimating the value that women place on someone who drinks. Many don't care or would prefer a strong, self confident man who didn't drink.

The problem with alcohol isn't that it doesn't adequately address our insecurities, anxieties, social phobia etc. It's that it does so TOO WELL. Why bother to work on something when you can solve the problem in a minute with a shot of booze?

Except, as you've noted above, that the solution causes other problems. Like DUIs, jail, failed careers and relationships, health deterioration, etc. It also keeps us from finding other solutions that are more rewarding and make us happier.

It's extremely common to stop drinking and arrive at a "You mean this is it?" place. You've stopped one strategy to deal with bad feelings and not replaced it with anything.

I think you're totally on the right track, despite the fact that you're in a pretty dark place at the moment. If life were a shopping mall, you're standing and staring at a "You Are Here" sign. You can't change unless you can brutally honestly say where you are.

Keep checking in. I get it that you hate groups, but this is a pretty non-threatening one.

calvinm16

I suppose as others have said I should try and find something other than more unhealthy habits to replace what alcohol used to fulfill. It's interesting to think how many unhealthy addictions there can be apart from just alcohol, binge eating, cigarettes/nicotine, caffeine, porn and so many other weird or potentially unhealthy addictions. I guess most of us here just all had a problem with alcohol in particular.

And as far as the ladies go I guess I'll just have to ask what they think about the fact I don't drink. lol

MindfulMan

Nah.

Just tell 'em you don't drink and assume they will think it's super dope that you don't drink.

If she makes a fuss, hit on her friend!

(Kidding. Sorta).

Confidence is a much better aphrodisiac than sloppy drunk!

Stayingsassy

There are all different kinds of ladies! . Sure a lot are drinkers but I’ve met many at the gym who do not drink. The venue you meet women in makes a difference.

If I were single I’d be actively looking for a sober man, fwiw.