eve123

Having trouble accepting my behaviour n the horribleness of drinking. All the years making mistakes falling out with people letting my kids down the failing to stop when all the consequences were so obvious n huge. How I nearly destroyed my life and all those who I care about because of alcoholism. Can’t forgive myself feel so much disgust when I think about how my life turned out I should have stopped many years ago probably at the age of 20 but I didn’t see it. Sober now but it took so ver very long and still that fear of picking up. It’s like I never ever got it. Hate myself when I think of my past and how my life has suffered. Still dealing with consequences in my life all the while trying to muster some self love. Feel full of shame guilt n regret x working on step 4 just need to let my past go but hard to do when I have these down days

Grungehead

Keep going with the steps Hedd! Doing step 4 dredges up a lot of unpleasant memories about our past (things we've done or things we should have done but didn't), but I think you will find that steps 5-9 will help to address these issues. One of the 9th step promises states that "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it", and that has become true for me.

ScottFromWI

If you are working the steps of AA they will be very helpful in that respect Hedd. Time will help too, and it's important to remember that worrying about things you cannot change is only hurtful to you. Working on making yourself a better person today and making the right choices will go a long way to help both you and those around you. Staying sober is the very most important thing and you are doing a good job of that - remember that too!

aasharon90

The biggest reward we can give ourselves today
is to not waste anymore time in our addiction
and continue to learn to live a healthy, sober,
fulfilling life here on out.

The steps do teach us how to live that
rewarding life addiction free. With help
and guidance from many who have achieved
many one days sober already and have
paved the path in recovery for you to
follow, you too can learn forgiveness
of the past and mostly, forgiveness of
self.

There are soooo many gifts awaiting
for you to receive each day you remain
sober and live this awesome program
of recovery taking one step at a time.

You are never alone and we are with you.

Stay strong and positive.

laur24

I feel you. Step 4 brings all those yucky feelings. Push through it though!
It's worth it.
I promise you, you'll feel so much better when you're done. You are not your character defects. The things you did- that's all the disease. And we don't have to be that way anymore!

Bunny211

Keep going. I too struggle with intense self loathing. I think that, sometimes, for women the self hatred is worse. There's so much shame involved. Be kind to yourself. My sponsor says "you learn the lessons when you are meant to learn them" and "forgive yourself for the things you did before you knew better." We're only human. We're sick people getting well...not bad people getting good.

XOXOX

NYCDoglvr

It took me a good year of hard work in AA to let go of the "wreckage of the past". We build self esteem by taking esteemable actions which is what you're doing now in working the steps. I promise you'll feel much better as you continue your work.

ardy

kiddo we all do that I am 67.. break down every so often into a puddle of I was a terrible Mom.. I should have done this could have done that.. why did I not stick it out and just keep trying... why because at night when my children were asleep and I was sad so terrible and alone... I drank.. and cried and drank some more.... one summer night at 2am on my front porch. that my hubby was having to rebuild again for the 3rd time. cause he was not good with a hammer or nails. and the city had to have design drawings of the nails and screws and one guess who was being told to do it all.. I drank and cried out on the porch. police showed up.. no way to get to me I was 15 feet off the ground and the back of the house had no back door.. are you alright. are your children ok .. I am sad.. my children are a sleep so shhhhhh.. and after 30 minutes.. the officers sat out side for and hour and I went inside and fell asleep.. kids they could have take my children right then and there.. officers came back in the later part of the morning.. house was clean .. no hubby yet.. at 10am coffee on dishes done wash in the basement being done.. and I was trying to draw all the parts of the porch once again.. the officers tried.. and then one of them got on my phone to a buddy that does construction.. why are they doing this to her.. he came over went to city hall and put his name on the building line and helped my hubby out .. so it was done right the last time around... why do we drink.... kids it is different for all of us. why do we weep and feel that everything is crap. it is different for each of us..... how can we make it better .. it is different for each of us.. we just have to have the good reason why.. it will be different for each of us .. find that and hold on to it tight.. my 3 kids... Ivan Barry and Melly... my reasons why it had to be different all the time... love and prayers ardy

Strugglingtoget

we are loved and we are forgiven. You are loved and you are forgiven.
If God forgives you; and WE forgive you, who are you, not to be forgiving yourself?

Stayingsassy

Hey. We are all just human. Flawed human beings. Our children understand that. They are flawed themselves.

None of us is all bad or all good: I am hearing “all bad” self talk fro you and it simply isn’t true. Balance that by reviewing what you’ve done right. How can you have the strength to move forward with that much self negativity? Shame is a drinking emotion. I know how hard it is. As alcoholics we all carry guilt. But you must love yourself anyway, for the deeply flawed yet beautiful human being you are.

MindfulMan

We can't change the past.

What we can do is live in the present and not repeat our past mistakes and behaviors.

And don't pick up. That's one huge behavior that we KNOW doesn't work.

waynetheking

Do people feel ashamed for having cancer? Bone marrow disease? Getting a tumor? We're alcoholics. Alcohol causes us to go insane. We do and say terrible things. It's a byproduct of the disease. I'm not excusing my past behavior. But I'm not that person either. He's gone. He was an ass. He doesn't deserve my time and energy now. My moral inventory was crap when I was drinking. Now that garbage is gone.
Don't beat yourself up over this. Move on. I don't think we have to dissect our lives to be happy and sober. We're human. We're alcoholics. We did bad things while drunk. So be it. Don't be afraid of self. It's not necessary. Just my opinion.

Stayingsassy

I think the addiction works on us a bit with guilt and shame. One of the ways we dealt with the guilt and shame was to drink over it.

The brain does weird and sneaky things to get us to drink when it is missing it’s “fuel.” Wallowing in guilt and shame can often lead to drinking and these old familiar feelings often ended with a...reward. If you can, try to stay on top of these feelings.

Alcoholism hates peacefulness, positivity, forward movement. It wants you to stagnate, to be depressed, to regress, to wallow in guilt. Those feelings lead to hopelessness....which lead to the inevitable drunk.

Do what you can to fight against the addiction.

ForestFrenzy

Healing and growing is painful work but you are showing tremendous courage; you are taking accountability for the past so that you can have a brighter future.

It took for a while to overcome the shame, self-hatred and reliving some horrible moments where I was a demon to those who loved me most. It wasn't until grew tired of feeling that way and was done punishing myself; I started to dive deep into what self- love really means and putting it into practice. And you are doing it now; self-love is coddling or self-centered or enabling. It's taking responsibility for yourself so you can be empowered to own your future, and be fully present at the helm looking forward and not back.

Down days will never stop - something I am reminded of since being here. But with sobriety and un-earthing the strength you've always possessed beneath the heap of bottles, will arm you with how to handle them - healthily.

You are a wonderful person for taking action and heeling those wounds.

ForestFrenzy

isn't*** coddling
Sorry!

eve123

Thank you all for your words of support n help. This place is invaluable I am going to do my best to clear step 4 although it’s painful to see myself after spending so much time blaming n resenting others it’s my own behaviour that I needed to look at all along. You have given me strength to do this n get recovery. I don’t want just to be sober I want to feel better about myself I pray the steps will help me clear the fog. Much love x

scaredikklegoth

Ugh, I feel you on that. I've had some rough days lately and it has been so tempting to reach for that oblivion but I know that I'll just hate myself even more so I can't give in.

Apparently it gets better.

eve123

Totally scared that oblivion for a while would just make it a million times worse. After my last drink I felt suciadal for three days abseloute hell so not worth it my head n soul can’t take it anymore the loathing is unbelievable. Il stick to my step 4 n the longer I stay on this road of recovery then hopefully my self esteem n forgiveness of my behaviours etc will pass. Awful progressive life destroying illness and I know deep inside like you that oblivion no longer works and the pay back is not worth it ever

scaredikklegoth

Yup you're absolutely right. At the end of the day, we can't change the past. I wish I could often but there's nothing we can do about it so you just have to forge ahead and try to learn from past mistakes. Oblivion is sooooooooo tempting, especially for those of us with terrible self esteem, but we'll just feel worse afterwards. Have to find healthy coping mechanisms!