WaterOx

lol

I realize how stupid this thread title sounds but at the moment this is the way I feel. This morning started out good enough until I got to work when suddenly some minor nothing of an issue cause this terrible frustration and anger in me. I found myself just wanting to say f### it, to hell with everything. Work, friendships, anything. Because I can’t deal with it. Still do feel that way, to be honest lol

And that’s truly what goes on in my head “people want me to be perfect and I can’t so I should just destroy it all”

How messed up. Therrapists would have a field day with that.

It makes me wonder about all that childhood stuff. For my part I had to always be walking in egg shells and if I ever messed up I was threatened to be kicked out of the house. When I say messed up, I’m not even talking about something big like stealing, drugs or violence. I wasn’t really even allowed to have feelings. Only our mother was allowed. She could be as irresponsible as she wanted but my sister and I could never do that.

If we ever had a bad day, she would get angry at us.

Bleh...I used to never want to talk about these things or feel like it was avoiding responsibility. But since I started therapy last year I found it really helpful. Knowing certain things that have a propensity to run your inner life can be very empowering, at least if you acknowledge that you’re still responsible for them.

So I guess that’s why I’m here ranting. Because if I don’t I’m quite scared I might say something I regret to some poor unsuspecting soul.

I truly hate this time of year. Everyone acting like they should be happy regardless of whether they are or not....seems almost criminal sometimes.

Fitcher

I hear ya. Sounds like our entire lives have been spent walking on egg shells, else risk triggering the people in our lives who crave power and control over us. I'm guessing that was a major contribution to the reasons I drank so much. It was easier to simply drown those feelings of frustration rather than face the inevitable storm of rage that was oncoming if we ever spoke up.

Right now, a major slice of my life is centered around "F*ck-it mode" as well. I'm ready to drop everything and move across the country, live alone and do my own thing. One thing that IS apparent though, is how I'm not jumping back drinking in order to cope. This past weekend presented ample opportunities to imbibe in secret (house full of people, general chaos of a holiday, alcohol everywhere, etc). But each time I contemplated this, I was overcome with the knowledge that drinking wasn't going to get me any further away from the toxic people in my life. I literally did not want to drink once I'd given it a micro-second of rational thought.

While this certainly gave me a lot of confidence, it also made it abundantly clear that I may very well be facing the reality of starting over as a single, 50-something guy in a completely different part of the world.

But yeah, this time of year tends to suck. Nothing like being obligated to entertain toxic people with a smile on your face, huh?

Hang in there. We can do this!

Baa

I feel that way all the time! Glad to know I'm not the only one... I'm a very competent self-saboteur. I just celebrated my 2 year anniversary and we had an amazing time and since then it's like I'm trying to push my husband away (but thank God, he's only holding on tighter).

The entire "Just F*&k it" attitude is completely inherent in me too. I've quit several jobs because I just got sick of it; the people, the meaningless work, the fake smiles. The perfection thing you mention as well... omg! Ugh, enough already! I try to be perfect at EVERYTHING which is causing me to fail at EVERYTHING! Growing up I was top of the class, blah, blah but recently I just can't get my $^it together! Putting up Christmas decor has always had a special place in getting me super hammered the last several years... still unsure why. By all accounts I should be happy but downing a pint of gin clearly says otherwise.

paulokes

Yes indeedy...walking on egg shells can be a product of the environment we grew up in, I believe that! But without a drink we can unpick it all and find healthier ways of responding not reacting

Enjoy your day my friend.

P.S None of my business what people think of me. Including if they think I'm perfect or not

P

ScottFromWI

Venting is a good idea waterox, rather than letting it go directly at someone. I know it's harder this time of year, but try and remember that we can control our actions only. Resentments for things we cannot even know ( like what other people are thinking ) only hurts us.

NYCDoglvr

Recovery is a process, in the beginning we feel awful and are very thinned skinned. But I'm responsible for drinking or not, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

tomsteve

talking about that stuff is how solutions are found.
on this
“people want me to be perfect
have ya asked all these people this and they said that or is that thought something in your head?
personally i dont expect ya to be perfect.
perfect defined:finished;complete.

WaterOx

Yeah it's fascinating to actually look at that thought and wonder where it came from.

Yet there's no denying it...at certain times I see it loud and clear as real as day.
I guess the trick is what to put in its place. I mean obviously we can't be perfect, yet it's never a good idea to "destroy" things, either.

Maybe it's a good start to accept that it's ok to have a bad day for no apparent reason?

That's the kind of radical thinking I might need today.

anxiousrock

Wow, can I ever relate to this 😩

hellrzr

"And that’s truly what goes on in my head “people want me to be perfect and I can’t so I should just destroy it all”

How messed up. Therrapists would have a field day with that. "

It's called Alcoholism. It's not about drinking but all about how you think. Do you go to AA and work the program? You hear that same thing from almost everyone in there. You are drinking and hurting yourself to spite them! I used to drink at people all the time. It's a thing we do. Kind of like the saying you would cut off your nose to spite your face.

Working the program of AA will help you understand your thinking and following the steps will help you overcome your thinking and make a better life for yourself!

ForestFrenzy

The words that came to mind reading this was self-sabotage - something I, and I think many addicts, can relate to.

I became lackadaisical and normalized to the toxicity at work and eventually just venting at my mother about during my lunch break wasn't enough. All I was doing was blowing off a little steam but the problems at work would persist. I wish I had been active in finding a solution then, because I do believe allowing those resentments to fester really ate away at my resolve.

I am finally seeing a therapist and I look forward to my time with her! Part of my new plan for sobriety.

Finally - what others expect isn't really what matters. What you think about yourself and managing those expectations of yourself, is really, really what does.

Healthyandsober

Well its more for me like i expect myself to be perfect and since i am not i hate myself said F%6k it and destroy myself drinking

i so related to your post thank you

FBL

I'm the king of beating myself up when I make a mistake. However, I certainly don't expect anybody else to be perfect, so why should I expect it from myself? It's something I'm constantly working on. I'll probably always strive for perfection, but I'm starting to realize that I'll never get there. Either way, it's not worth drinking over, that's for certain.

Eaglelizard

God, what a crap day it was...crappy crap crap. I totally relate. Home again to an empty fridge and trying to defuse the negativity. Well, at least I'm not wasted!

Awake61

Thank you for this thread!

zjw

I often think is it any wonder i ended up an alcoholic? i mean really if i think about it i was like destined givne the circumstances and lack of coping skills alcohol found the perfect spot in my life.

When i got sober i too could not deal with ANYTHING. i felt like i was disabled. No seriously it felt like a horrible disablity this total inablitly to deal with anything life threw at me.

now in time i came to accept this aspect of myself. I also got better at dealing with lots of stuff. I'd say i still struggle considerably but having my bounderies and respecting them helps me a lot.

hang in there.

Berrybean

Hi Waterox. Apologies. From the sounds of things my AV snuck out and crept into your head. That's exactly how it used to try it on with me. All that "you might as well drink, nobody thinks you're any good anyway" "go on, have a drink. If you stay sober you'll never be happy" "Have a drink, that'll show em" etc etc ad infinitum.

When I finally did my 4th step resentments inventory for AA one of the common themes was that other people thought I wasn't good enough / doing enough etc etc. When I peered past my inner melodrama around this (I'd built up to quite a crescendo by this point) I realised to my surprise and shame that actually, that's not quite how it was. Actually,for me personally a lot of it was just fear of being abandoned / not loved (by my family or friends) or respected (by bosses or acquaintences) caused by my own 'not-enoughness', this being something I hear about a lot nowadays in the rooms of AA. So when my mum said "ohhh, isn't Sally pretty - just like a little doll" what I heard was 'you're not pretty enough'. When I heard her say "that Sarah's handwriting is so neat!" I heard 'your handwriting is terrible!' When my best friend said the new girl at school seemed nice .... I fell out with her over something stupid so I wouldn't have to stand the pain of her abandoning me. When my boyfriend commented on another girls dress in a perfectly reasonable and non-flirtatious way.... I got drunk and cheated on him.

My destructive thinking and behaviour didn't stop at alcohol. Oh no. The alcoholic thinking pervaded everything like a bad odour. And listening to folk share in AA, I don't think that's just me.

Hope you're feeling a bit better. Feel free to spank my AVs arse and send it packing.

BB

WaterOx

I appreciate all the replies and had no idea other people felt this way, especially in regards to drinking.

ScottFromWI

That's why recovery communities are so great...we all have very different lives, but in our addiction we are very much alike. And we understand each other.

Fly N Buy

For the first time in many years I accepted my wife's invitation to do a little black Friday shopping with her. Mostly, it was just a way to get out and about around town. We spent very little having some coffee and eventually lunch.

As I noticed shoppers with furrowed brows, woe be gotten demeanor's with
some mumbling to themselves as they swam up stream - I smiled at many who looked my way. In a majority, my expression was reflected back.

Sobriety presents an opportunity to change my perceptions and how I engage with the world around me. The truth is there exist multitudes of scared, imperfect people trudging through life all around us.

My expectations are in direct correlation to my peace and serenity. No one expects me to be perfect unless I have made this directive on them. When I acknowledge my flawed nature as well as others, life becomes much easier.

Sounds like you are making progress on yourself - good job. Maybe everyone is quite as happy as it seems........

Best,
Fly