Utterly miserable
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 323
Utterly miserable
You know that hopeless feeling you get where you look at life and see it as this draining void of constant pain and endless solitude? Yeah, I have that. And it's scaring me because, in the past, when I get like this I drink. Now I'm not going to because drinking will me me crave cigarettes and I wouldn't do that to the baby, but I do feel like this struggle isn't worth it if life is just a string pile.
I don't know if it's hormones making me feel this way or if it is my depression returning due to having to stop my meds for the baby but I can feel my self destructive demons rubbing their hands together in the wings of my mind, just waiting for me to fail. And I don't just mean at sobriety, I mean at motherhood and life. I'm even craving cutting, something I haven't done in years.
I had an appointment with a therapist this Monday but I'm not sure we have the money for it as we're saving to move. The goblins in my mind are telling me I'm not worth it anyway.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I suppose I just had to get it out. Not many people care about me IRL. I even shut down my fb because I was sick of being constantly ignored.
I hope I'm just having a dark night of the soul.
I don't know if it's hormones making me feel this way or if it is my depression returning due to having to stop my meds for the baby but I can feel my self destructive demons rubbing their hands together in the wings of my mind, just waiting for me to fail. And I don't just mean at sobriety, I mean at motherhood and life. I'm even craving cutting, something I haven't done in years.
I had an appointment with a therapist this Monday but I'm not sure we have the money for it as we're saving to move. The goblins in my mind are telling me I'm not worth it anyway.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I suppose I just had to get it out. Not many people care about me IRL. I even shut down my fb because I was sick of being constantly ignored.
I hope I'm just having a dark night of the soul.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I hope it’s temporary too, but please understand you are going through quite a lot. You’ve just gotten sober, there is a baby coming, and your life has and will change in immeasurable ways, both challenging and beautiful. Meet with your therapist even if you can only manage one appointment if only to have someone to talk things through with. Talk to your OB. And see if you can meet some other pregnant women in support groups through the hospital or medical group you are in: your feelings are normal even without all the other changes you are going through.
Peace and hugs for you: you’re going to be a wonderful mother. You’ve overcome so much and it’s taken a lot of personal strength, I know you can do this, and do it well. You’ll be flawed like we all are as mothers, but with enough love and commitment it will all be ok.
Peace and hugs for you: you’re going to be a wonderful mother. You’ve overcome so much and it’s taken a lot of personal strength, I know you can do this, and do it well. You’ll be flawed like we all are as mothers, but with enough love and commitment it will all be ok.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I've had many a dark night of the soul. In fact, I think I was born to it by nature.
I'm used to it. Like now. Big holiday and here I sat alone. For the umpteen time.
It'll be like this on Christmas, too.
But you know what? I don't let it get to me. I've come to accept my fate and I'm okay with that. And I know in my heart of hearts it's nothing a drink or cigarette will make better. And man, did I want a cigarette today.
I've been to the void of pain and anguish and solitude. All while actively drinking. Especially while recovering from a drunken bender.
Your life is worth it. It has meaning and love and a place for you in it.
You don't feel like that now, but it's the truth.
I've been to the edge. I lost a lot of friends there and almost myself.
I suffer from clinical depression, too. All my life.
Don't give up or give in. Moods change. Situations change. We change and evolve.
You're in a low spot. You'll come out of it , safely, on the other side and life will have meaning and joy and what ever you want to make out of the blessings you've received but can't see now.
You're not alone. I wish you the best.
I'm used to it. Like now. Big holiday and here I sat alone. For the umpteen time.
It'll be like this on Christmas, too.
But you know what? I don't let it get to me. I've come to accept my fate and I'm okay with that. And I know in my heart of hearts it's nothing a drink or cigarette will make better. And man, did I want a cigarette today.
I've been to the void of pain and anguish and solitude. All while actively drinking. Especially while recovering from a drunken bender.
Your life is worth it. It has meaning and love and a place for you in it.
You don't feel like that now, but it's the truth.
I've been to the edge. I lost a lot of friends there and almost myself.
I suffer from clinical depression, too. All my life.
Don't give up or give in. Moods change. Situations change. We change and evolve.
You're in a low spot. You'll come out of it , safely, on the other side and life will have meaning and joy and what ever you want to make out of the blessings you've received but can't see now.
You're not alone. I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 323
Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. I don't want to be too honest about how I'm feeling as I fear triggering others but it's safe to say that it's good I'm too exhausted to do much. I should have known this was coming. Anytime I shut down my fb, despair usually follows. Part of the self isolation, I suppose.
Why are some people so tortured and alone? Do we deserve it? Or do we just see the world for what it is and despair? Why am I bringing a child into this ****? Am I just a selfish ********?
Why are some people so tortured and alone? Do we deserve it? Or do we just see the world for what it is and despair? Why am I bringing a child into this ****? Am I just a selfish ********?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Shush, now.
Put that monster in its box, close it, lock it, shove it in the closet.
You are right where you should be.
You are taking care of your health for your child.
You just be good to yourself today.
Peace.
Put that monster in its box, close it, lock it, shove it in the closet.
You are right where you should be.
You are taking care of your health for your child.
You just be good to yourself today.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Shush, now.
Put that monster in its box, close it, lock it, shove it in the closet.
You are right where you should be.
You are taking care of your health for your child.
You just be good to yourself today.
Peace.
Put that monster in its box, close it, lock it, shove it in the closet.
You are right where you should be.
You are taking care of your health for your child.
You just be good to yourself today.
Peace.
ours de petit cerveau
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,630
hang in there ikklegoth. as stayingsassy says, you're going through a lot at the moment. it does get better though - I'm at about five months now & things continue to improve for me, but it's not always a smooth path, I've had plenty of dark nights of the soul along the way, but the feelings do pass.
Try telling yourself some positive things. It will get better, I promise. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 635
I'm rooting or you scaredikklegoth, depression is hard i really pray you can go thru this for your baby. the world is not perfect but life can be beautiful you know. with this baby you will never be alone.
i don't like social media, i am supposed to use it for work but i think this is a sorry time because we think meaningful connections are measure by how many followers and friend request you have its all make believe
why don't you ask for some sort of assistance (Gov) to pay for your therapist? you need support specially pregnant and off the meds. try to stay positive this is a great time for you and i think you will be a good mom. sleep well.
i don't like social media, i am supposed to use it for work but i think this is a sorry time because we think meaningful connections are measure by how many followers and friend request you have its all make believe
why don't you ask for some sort of assistance (Gov) to pay for your therapist? you need support specially pregnant and off the meds. try to stay positive this is a great time for you and i think you will be a good mom. sleep well.
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
Give yourself so much needed hugs and tell yourself some kind things to throw those dark thoughts back in the shadows where they belong.
This won't last forever; joy can return at any second.
The one thing you can know for certain, is that choosing sobriety is a solid and right decision. Were you drinking, you'd likely feel even worse.
Like Ghost said, I too think I was born in the Dark Night of the Soul. Sometimes, when it's the last thing we want to do, we have to fight darkness with brighter thoughts.
We're here for you Goth. xx
This won't last forever; joy can return at any second.
The one thing you can know for certain, is that choosing sobriety is a solid and right decision. Were you drinking, you'd likely feel even worse.
Like Ghost said, I too think I was born in the Dark Night of the Soul. Sometimes, when it's the last thing we want to do, we have to fight darkness with brighter thoughts.
We're here for you Goth. xx
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hugs to you SLG.
Please check your HALT trtiggers (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired). Maybe wrap up warm and go for a walk to blow away some of that despair - sunshine, exercise and fresh air can make a difference.
I know that I could be my own worst enemy at times. I isolated myself from people, and then sat there feeling resentful because no-one contacted me, yet would I get off my behind and make arrangements to meet up with people myself?? Ohhhh no! And after a while I was so angry that those people hadn't bothered to contact me that I didn't even WANT to see them. Now of course I can see that I was equally responsible for making contact. If I'd put as much energy into following suggestions and working on my recovery at that point as I wasted on wallowing in self-pity and shame and resentments in those early months I reckon I could have made my sobriety much easier to bear. Thing is, once I was stuck in that frame of mind it was very hard to climb out. Like being stuck whirling around in a vortex.
Harsh as this might sound, it is all about perspective. This is an inside job. What do you want out of today? Do you want to feel lonely and cross and sit alone dwelling on things? Or do you want to reach out, have company, be helped - or even better, find an opportunity to help others? (Perhaps you would prefer people to contact you, but you can't control that, so acceptance could be your best bet on that score - we can't change others).
I hope you will find the serenity to accept the people and things you cannot change, and the courage to change the things that YOU CAN change. Even if your AV is telling you those little things won't make a difference. (Our AVs are big fat liars!!)
Sometimes sobriety is not enough. We need to work on our recovery if we want that sobriety to be sustainable, comfortable and eventually preferable to drinking.
BB xx
Please check your HALT trtiggers (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired). Maybe wrap up warm and go for a walk to blow away some of that despair - sunshine, exercise and fresh air can make a difference.
I know that I could be my own worst enemy at times. I isolated myself from people, and then sat there feeling resentful because no-one contacted me, yet would I get off my behind and make arrangements to meet up with people myself?? Ohhhh no! And after a while I was so angry that those people hadn't bothered to contact me that I didn't even WANT to see them. Now of course I can see that I was equally responsible for making contact. If I'd put as much energy into following suggestions and working on my recovery at that point as I wasted on wallowing in self-pity and shame and resentments in those early months I reckon I could have made my sobriety much easier to bear. Thing is, once I was stuck in that frame of mind it was very hard to climb out. Like being stuck whirling around in a vortex.
Harsh as this might sound, it is all about perspective. This is an inside job. What do you want out of today? Do you want to feel lonely and cross and sit alone dwelling on things? Or do you want to reach out, have company, be helped - or even better, find an opportunity to help others? (Perhaps you would prefer people to contact you, but you can't control that, so acceptance could be your best bet on that score - we can't change others).
I hope you will find the serenity to accept the people and things you cannot change, and the courage to change the things that YOU CAN change. Even if your AV is telling you those little things won't make a difference. (Our AVs are big fat liars!!)
Sometimes sobriety is not enough. We need to work on our recovery if we want that sobriety to be sustainable, comfortable and eventually preferable to drinking.
BB xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 983
Hey scared
I feel in no place to offer advice but I just wanted to say keep strong. I too feel the same way your not alone. And I shut down fb for the exact same reasons, and partly to stop seeing party related posts.
Have u tried aa yet? Iv only been to 2 meeting going to try another room tonight.
Take care
I feel in no place to offer advice but I just wanted to say keep strong. I too feel the same way your not alone. And I shut down fb for the exact same reasons, and partly to stop seeing party related posts.
Have u tried aa yet? Iv only been to 2 meeting going to try another room tonight.
Take care
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Just stay the course and don't drink. I wish I had advice on the other aspects of your life. One thing is for certain, drinking will make your life awful. You know this.
Eliminate the disease by not drinking and things will improve. That's a given.
Hang in there, we're here for ya.
Eliminate the disease by not drinking and things will improve. That's a given.
Hang in there, we're here for ya.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 166
FB is just there for advertisers. You are not isolating, probably making a rational decision to focus on yourself and your mental/spiritual health rather than complicate it with other peoples' value systems. I hear Siddhartha also shut down his FB.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Eaglelizard
FB is just there for advertisers. You are not isolating, probably making a rational decision to focus on yourself and your mental/spiritual health rather than complicate it with other peoples' value systems. I hear Siddhartha also shut down his FB.
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