I wish every day was this easy
 

Thank you to everyone who responded to my last post. Now that I am on day 5 of no alcohol, I am feeling more optimistic. My AV is not screaming at me this time like it usually does. Maybe I am just so tired listening to it that I am drowning it out. It is trying to ruin my life and kill me. I am sick to death of letting it. Even the thought of sneaking and getting booze and hiding it from my husband is exhausting let alone actually doing it. I just do not have the energy.

I have not had cravings really either. I am enjoying not feeling like I am dying and dealing with a stomach ache every morning. I did not sleep well last night, but I still feel better than if I had drank. It has been cold and I do not have much desire to leave the house. I have to go to the mall in a bit and the liquor store I frequent is right there. I am not going though. I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. One is too many and a thousand never enough. Play the tape through. Yeah, I know the drill from my old NA days back in the 90's.

I really believe in the AV method, but the one thing it does not address is those of us that carry so much trauma and have addictions as coping mechanisms. I have used substances on and off my whole life to numb. No amount of therapy has been able to fix that. Back in the 90's it was cocaine. Through most of my life my pot. In my teen years it was anything I could get my hands on. Now it is alcohol. I have managed to attain college degrees and a certain level of success in spite of my issues. The booze has been my undoing though. I even always have a small stash of pot and have not touched it weeks. I am not addicted to it. Booze is a whole different ball game though.

Anyway, just getting my thoughts down. Thanks if you read this.

Yes. There comes a point when even my worst day sober can’t come close to the hell of my last drunk. I’ll never willingly go back to that. I’d be a crazy person. People think I have this iron will but I’m just avoiding the hell i was in! Like a normal person avoids a hot stove burner.

About coping: there are ways to cope with trauma. Seriously, good ways. I’ve struggled with depression from childhood pain and antidepressants don’t work, but exercise does, as does changes in diet or my diet pattern, nature therapy, gardening, music, walks, time with family. Have faith. There are ways other than drugs to cope with life.

Were you sober when you did therapy?

It may work better when you are.

Sober days are always better :). Glad you’re doing okay !