Doug39

My wife is still an active alcoholic. I am 13 months sober.

Last night we went to a local restaurant/bar for dinner. When the server asked us what we wanted to drink, my wife ordered a vodka and soda and I ordered water. The server said to me "ok I will get you a water to START", as if I had to think over what alcoholic drink I wanted.

We placed our food order and the food took forever to come out; but the server was at our table every 5 minutes pushing drinks - my wife had four drinks (at $5.00 a piece) until we finally asks where our food was.

In my drinking days I used to love it when the food took a long time so I could keep drinking and get a good buzz before eating - now I was just annoyed at the motives of this restaurant/server for getting us to jack up the bill by pushing all those drinks (that we didn't realize were $5.00 ea.) and prolonging the arrival of the food. The place wasn't that busy.

biminiblue

ha. I was a server for years. You realize that she is a commissioned sales person, right? Every way possible to raise the check total will be employed. I was amazed at how easy it is to upsell people in a bar/restaurant.

Also, the more they drink the more generous they generally become at tip-time.

I was also a blackjack dealer for a few years. They just go ahead and give away free drinks to overcome that pesky "tight wallet" thingy.

In all fairness, I never had any control whatsoever on the speed of the food arrival - it's all down to how many people bothered to show up for work in the kitchen, and how fast/organized they were.

andyh

that sounds pretty annoying - I'd just vote with my feet & not revisit the establishment. it sounds like they might not be in business for too much longer anyway if they're having to hard-sell drinks!

there will always be annoyances to contend with in life. if a "we're fine for drinks thanks, we'll let you know if we need any more" doesn't work, then chalk it up to experience & go elsewhere in future.

tomsteve

funny how persepctives change- ya used" to love it when the food took a long time so I could keep drinking and get a good buzz before eating"
probably wouldnt have been too happy in yer drinkin days if they let ya sit with an empty glass,eh?
why blame the restaurant/server for doing their job? they dont force ANYONE to order the drinks.
maybe the motive of the server was to do their job good?
i personally LOVE a server that keeps comin by while im waiting for a meal.

Healthyandsober

congrats Doug39,

somehow i just keep thinking about your wife having those four drinks at 5 and how that is not so bad and she get to keep drinking so how lucky she is and yada yada

its happening to me a lot i can't even watch TV because of the alcohol, vacations, good time drinking etc commercials, my point is a lot of things are bothering me now that i have 26 days sober i can only imagine how bad it must be for you at 13 months

well done for not drinking while your wife had those 4 four drinks it must have been an herculean effort i am salivating just from reading about it. well done

Stayingsassy

Hey Doug. I feel for you going out with an active alcoholic in the first place. My husband drinks. I will only go out with him if there is a solid reason outside of alcohol to go...restaurants are tough aren’t they...it’s about the food supposedly. Go out with a drinker? It is NOT about the food. And I know that...had too many “martinis in place of dinner” outings. I hate sushi so I would suggest sushi all the time, knowing that I wouldn’t have to eat and could drink gin martinis through dinner, my husband always driving me.

Stayingsassy

Doug’s pretty solidly sober at 13 months, trust me your fantasies about alcohol are normal at 26 days, but they won’t be fantasies anymore at 13 months. Your sobriety will change. Hang in there.

Doug39

Yes, at 13 months sober I have no desire to drink. I really haven't had any cravings at all since my last drink - the last years of my drinking were so awful I never want to go back there.

They say that if you relapse you get right back to where you were - I believe that. I do not want to go through alcohol withdraw again either.

AAPJ

I haven't noticed restaurants pushing me to buy booze. I try to tip well recognizing that as a non-drinker my tab is lower. One restaurant that I go to regularly the owner who I have known for over 10 years mentioned that the waiters and waitresses like to wait on us because we are always nice to them and we tip well. Still saving a lot of money compared to my drinking days.

anxiousrock

That’s so annoying.
My boyfriend will mention he is a DD just to stop them from asking him if he wants a drink.

waynetheking

Doug has your wife not seen the miraculous changes in your life and not want some of that? Just a thought.
Before I met my beautiful lady of 3 years now I tried match dot com. I put on my profile non drinker. I still had women date me who were drunks. One date that was it. I couldn't stand it. I don't know the restaurant or if their a scam, but my feeling is perhaps you were just annoyed with your wife.
We heal and work hard to maintain sobriety. Our spouse continues with the disease. It's hard buddy. Stay strong Doug.

Dropsie

You are so right, but I keep thinking, $5 isn't bad.... crazy isn't it??

I don't drink but I do eat out a lot and buy for others....

we enjoy your posts, thank you.

August252015

^^Yeah, I wondered about the $5 thing too! That's super cheap here....

Anyway.....from a server's perspective, that's not cool - I will say, though, that "what would you like to drink" is a standard question and, oh yea, water, coke, tea etc are drinks. When people act like I'm pushing alcohol with that single question it is REALLY annoying.

My rule of thumb (still, at 21 mo) is not to go or do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

FBL

That's standard business practice at most places. Every bar/restaurant I've ever been to also has water and soda available. On the rare occasion that I do frequent such establishments, I always make it a practice to tip generously, especially to those servers that get it and don't try to push the alcohol on me.

Fusion

Doug, I don't know the full circumstances of the 'pushing' of drinks on your wife by the server. Here in the UK it's standard practise for them to revisit the table when someone finishes a drink, in order to ask if another is required. After the standard question is asked, and the customer replies 'no thank you' - I've never witnessed the server 'pushing' another drink on someone who's clearly stated 'no', in my opinion, that would be unacceptable.

Doug39

Yes, she has mentioned how I have changed for the better. She has also admitted that she has a drinking problem. But she doesn't want to get help - she thinks she can control it. I can sympathize because for many years I couldn't quit drinking - I didn't know how to live without alcohol and I feared living without alcohol.

I hate to see a tragic event happen in order to knock some sense into her but it might have to come to that.

Subconsciously I probably was. I repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over when I am around her while she gets drunk.

Fusion

Doug, it's positive that your wife has noticed the change in you. I've read a few of your recent posts and you're clearly thriving in AA. Has your wife ever attended an AA meeting? If not, would she consider attending some open meetings with you? If she agreed, then perhaps, eventually, she would consider committing to not drinking, and if so, you could spend time together, at your closed meetings.

ScottFromWI

I think this thread is a very clear example of how our perspectives change once we quit drinking. The simple act of a waitress offering a drink is welcomed when we were drinking, and seems annoying when we aren't. Where we really get into trouble is when we start thinking about the "intentions" of the person offering us the drink or the company they work for. At the end of the day, alcohol is everywhere - and for the most part, people don't understand alcoholism. So we will continue to be offered drinks, marketed to, etc for the rest of our lives - it's just not something we can change.

I think this conversation shows growth in you too Doug - talking these issues through indicates that you have learned, and are continuing to learn a lot. I learn something new around here ( SR ) every day to be honest....it's a fantastic resource for all of us to share and learn.

Doug39

No, my wife has never been to an AA meeting. I used to invite her when I first started going but she would just get angry and told me to stop asking.

Her sister has been in AA for years and had many bad experiences with men she met at AA - her sister used to use meetings to find guys.
She married one guy she met at AA that was using heroin behind her back and took all her money and vanished, she took another guy in that was homeless, he relapsed then she relapsed, They got in a fight, she cracked him over the head with a pole and she got charged with felony assault. Their are others too in which the relationships weren't good.

So all this gave my wife a bad impression of AA but in reality it is her sister that is in the wrong used AA as a dating pool.

Stayingsassy

Dang, sister seems to have some other addictions as well as drinking. Your wife sounds not ready. My husband struggles with his weight. Nothing makes him angrier than when I remind him I can add him at a discount to my gym.

They’re ready when they’re ready, in the meantime we figure out our own boundaries with everyone around us, even our spouses.