slangking

Everyone I used to hang about with was because we all liked heavy drinking, now I don't do that I don't really have the same connection. In my social circle in the UK, everyone drinks heavily, it all centres around alcohol consumption. I don't mind people drinking at all but I feel alienated from them. I have become very depressed recently and have not been able to see anyone as I can't quite muster the ability to even pretend to be happy. I have realised in the ten months of sobriety that I am a lot more socially anxious than I realized. I used booze as a way to cope which has left me with a crap way of sober socialising. Everyone seems to start every relationship by using alcohol. I severed some good relationships so I could get sober so I have very few friends left now, I actually shamefully regret doing that, I wish I had ended it on amicable terms. I'm genuinely considering becoming a Buddhist monk if life doesn't improve. When it's all balanced out I still prefer sobriety to being a wreckhead. Maybe I need to find a new city where the culture is less fixated on being out of one's skull.

SoulShine8

I guess it's that thing of when you buy a red car all you see is red cars on the road. All of my friends all my life have been drinking friends. I was left with no one after the bar days were over and drinking at home alone. So starting at ground zero here (late in life I might add). But it's still better than going back to drinking to try to fit in or whatever. I think when I do eventually start going out again I will find that I have social anxiety and find it hard without drinking. Oh well. I don't have a lot of tips but look outside your circle, go different places (ones where alcohol isn't allowed or acceptable) look around. There has to be some sober people where you live. It may take some time.

Doug39

In my early years of heavy drinking I had a ton of drinking buddies. As my alcoholism got worse I became isolated and drank alone at home for decades.

I stopped drinking 13 months ago, start going to AA 11 months ago and now I have many, many sober friends that I met at AA. We do a lot more than just go to meetings. It is a whole new way of life.

Ghostlight1

This.

Stayingsassy

My very close friends understand and we do things together....did a Spartan Race today with my best friend from high school...but there are some friends I know I won’t see and it’s no real loss, and there seem to be a lot of other budding friendships happening, but I have a lot of interests that don’t involve drinking.

Once you develop some interests that aren’t drinking, or that don’t go well with drinking like exercise, many artistic pursuits, etc: you’ll make friends, people who like to do stuff that doesn’t revolve around alcohol. You won’t make friends staying home.

I think honestly it’s more about you. There are more than two choices; go out and drink or stay at home depressed, there is a whole world out there. Even in the UK. Best wishes moving forward.

One time, a lady at AA asked me “what are you going to DO.” I said, “avoid drinking.” She said, “that is not what I asked, that is something you are not doing. I asked what you will DO.” That was quite some time ago but I’ve never forgotten that.

Bob4x4

when i first got sober way way back i took up windsurfing and met a group of people who were mainly self employed fairly successful and really successful people whose lives didn't revolve around getting drunk , sitting around talking and drinking, they were doers. Over the years when some go mountain biking, or go on ski and snowboard trips, and 2 times a year a windsurfing week down south when the seasons change, they would ask and take me along . . . all of it non heavy drinking. some of these peeps also did golf, tennis, squash.... and yes some drank more than others but.. the relationship didn't start with the drink, it started with a sober activity, makes for better long lasting honest friendships than drinking friends. My last relationship was 100% with a woman that didn't drink at all and didn't care that i didn't drink. Met at a yoga / meditation / MBSR class(es) ...

I'm sure you have plenty of interests outside of drinking... join those meetup groups, take classes in continuing education ( i've taken a TON and for shiz and giggles i may try welding, autocad, electronics repair . . . ) very very easy to meet sober people even as a 52 year old geezer.

Meeting sober people and taking classes , I like the 'doing' classes... skilled trades, ( building code, welding, electronics), to exercise like yoga, meditation, tennis, golf, etc ... not a fan of the academic classes, and not a fan of computer programming classes , web development, or mobile app develpment classes... people stick to themselves in those classes. I once took some flying lessons, pretty cool stuff and adveturous people.

I will say that the classes that were 5 weeks and longer were the classes where the friendships develop. (some classes are 8 hours on every saturday for 5 weeks, some are just 3 hours once a week for 10 weeks)

JJ991

It must be hard when life has focussed around alcohol. I did my drinking at home and had stopped doing things I like. I'm now getting back out - I'm a brass player and so getting back out to rehearsals and concerts. Is there a hobby you used to do? Is there anything you fancy doing? My alcohol counsellor said to get out, do something, sitting at home wasn't really an option, too much time to think.

I'm pretty much repeating what others have already said I know! I'm not sure what city you're in, but if you look closely there WILL be other things you can do. Cities are full of options.

Alcohol is everywhere I know, especially in the run up to Christmas. I'm already planning for this, coming up with things to do and alternatives to drink (I'm only 54 days in).

Take care.

emmsie

I hear you, Slangking. I still miss going out and having a good dance but the difference is I'd like to do it in a fun, sober environment and not wake up full of dread and having to start the next day with an alcoholic drink. That's the difference between me and most other people I know. Since I got sober over 5.5 years ago, I have come to meet many lovely people in recovery and got to take up some cool new hobbies. Had I continued drinking alcohol, I wouldn't be alive to have read your post and type a reply. I sympathise with how you feel and being a 'sober hermit'. That was also my experience of my early recovery and I too felt really miserable. As you say, living in the UK in a nation obsessed with drink can be very difficult. I kept myself safe at all costs and it took time and today I have a much happier life. I hope you feel happy soon too. Hang in there as I promise you it's worth it.

Stayingsassy

Bob these are such awesome ideas!! This entire post. I love it. It’s teeming with fun stuff. I didn’t even mention the intellectual pursuits that you did.

Drinking all the time, movies and tv took up a lot of my time. I’m finding myself bored with that, now...how exciting is it to look outside our narrow idea of how to live, and REALLY find quality pursuits and activities that help us grow as people. We never stop growing, even as we age. Healthy aging means challenging ourselves, not always doing the same thing....

JJ991

It is definitely good to get our your comfort zone stayingsassy but that long list of ideas is just tiring to read!! You don't have to do loads of things to lead a good life!

JJ991

( not that I'm criticising the ideas....you know what I mean! )

slangking

thanks for all the supportive replies, the attending classes is something I am actually going to be doing. Spent a chunk of money on some art classes which is something i'd like to to get back into. Might meet people their, its not the reason im going their for it but you never what happens. Cheers.

waynetheking

Good post slangking.
I lost a dozen or so friends the first 3 months of sobriety. Why? Because I bought the drinks. I live in the inner city. There is a least 25 bars within walking distance of my condo. I met people everywhere. I bought them drinks. I didn't mind. It wasn't a hardship for me. Here's my point. I quit drinking, they stopped calling me..hhmmm.
Funny how that works. Now I actually have friends. Quality friends. I can depend on them. It takes time. But it happens. It's all about starting over. Just give it time.

scaredikklegoth

I know what you mean slangking. Also from the UK and every social event seems to revolve around drinking here and it sucks. All you can do is as the others have suggested and get into things that have nothing to do with having drink and hopefully you'll find other sober people (we're out there!)

Art classes sounds like a great idea. I hope you enjoy them very much.

Dee74

I'm an Aussie and I genuinely thought that I'd be on e of a handful of people in this country who didn't drink.

Turns out there's millions of non drinkers like me - but I wasn't likely to find them living my old life hanging out with drinkers in drinking places.

D

FBL

What Dee just said. I thought everybody drank like me...turns out almost NOBODY drank like I did (or if they did they were dead)! Give it some time. If you put yourself out there even a little bit, you're bound to find some like-minded friends.

Berrybean

Yep. What SLG said.


It took me a while to make sober friends - mostly because I though that my options were to go where I always went or stay indoors. Lol.

Then I went through a phase of trying loads of different things and almost burning myself out keeping up with it all. (Tap dancing, brass band, book group, creative writing, college course, running club, gospel choir, and even bloody bell ringing lol). Some I loved, others not so much. Thing is, lots of those activities had socials after - and where do they go??!!! *Eyeroll*. So, I still needed to become comfortable with being the non-drinker who walks to the beat of her own drum. I don't tend to engage with most of those pub socials (not unless there's a meal and a very good dessert involved anyway), but I've got comfortable enoough with enjoying the bits I enjoy and saying toodleoo and going home after (like lots of others do for various reasons). I no longer entertain the idea that I'm the only one not joining in. Plenty of others have other commitments that mean they prefer / need to get home.

My best sober buddies do tend to be others in recovery though. AA has been invaluable for meeting those people. Of course, not everyone in AA turns into a close friend, but to be honest, now I have so many flippin hobbies I don't have much time for too many besties anyway lol.

If you're into art it might be worth googling to see if there are any artist recovery groups near you. I know there are some amazing schemes and groups dotted around the UK, esp if you're in London or another big city.

BB

JJ991

"Even bloody bell ringing", that made me laugh!!

I'm a brass bander, lots of alcohol involved with that! Seems to be everywhere though as you say.

Sorry, still chuckling.....

ForestFrenzy

It's really a relief to see I am not alone when I see posts like this. I can walk down that lonely road with you - I am very socially anxious too, and if I am not careful, I can easily isolate myself. I call my little cottage my "hermitage" and it's funny to a point, but there's a lot of truth in it. What I am trying to do to overcome my social anxiety, is similar to what I am practicing in sobriety - just walking through the fire. Stepping out of my comfort zones, even if it is a little "painful" and unnerving, to develop the ability to be comfortable around strangers, have small talk, and allow my real self to be seen and experienced as I do them.

I lost touch with most of my "friends" after I stopped drinking and honestly, I don't miss them. It's not their fault but my own, for having agreed to be a different person while with them - in other words - drunk. Many of them are coping with their own internal issues and their drunken nights are suddenly not because they are fun-loving, glamorous, party-going, night prowling "man eaters," but like me, hurting, struggling, lost...I am glad I am no longer commiserating with them in the fog of drunken stupors.

Once I accepted that I am not into bars, lounges, long walks through town in stilettos and one night stands, and didn't feel bad or apologetic for it, sobriety got a little easier. I started to think, "Well if I don't enjoy it sober, what does that tell me?" This is old news, but drinking changes you. Once you melt the ice and get back to a real, living, breathing, fleshy being, you start to have honest conversations with yourself and realize...you're not missing much.

I don't mean to belittle those friendships you made - there is one person who is still my good friend to this day. But I have replaced those superficial friendships with a select few who accept me as I am, I them, and they respect my choices and limitations.

The loneliness did start to chip away at me after a few years and rather than looking at how I could be accountable and pro-active (what I am trying to do now), I went back to alcohol. It took a few months for me to realize that that was truly not the path I wanted. I'd give anything to rewind and have only the loneliness to cope with, rather than early sobriety again along with the pain of melancholy and solitary days.

Thank you for sharing - you are helping others in doing so.