Dating
 

Dating is so difficult sober. I'm 11 months and 2 weeks and currently bawling my eyes out. Every insecurity I've ever had came out in this last month. Fear of not being loved, being abandoned, not being good enough, just everything.

I met this great guy and the timing is just so off. We've dated for about a month and I never thought I could feel such a connection to someone. My past relationships started with me drunk and just holding on to someone I didn't even like to avoid being alone.The timing is just so off. I can't deal with all these insecurities. I need to finish my 4th step. And he's a normie, but he's got 2 little kids and just got out of the relationship with the babies' mother. So he's got that, works a lot, has a new place, etc. The timing is just so OFF. We both need to work on ourselves. Neither of us has the capacity to put in the work for a relationship. I want to so badly, but I just can't. I started acting so alcoholicly. In hindsight I don't know what business either of us had going on an online dating site.

Anyway, I broke things off yesterday. I said this really loving thing that I know didn't come from me (thanks God) and the whole bit about loving someone and setting them free, and if it's meant to be I hope we can connect again in the future. And he responded saying he hopes so too.

But it hurts so effing bad. I cried on a packed train yesterday to work, cried at work in the bathroom. Honestly, I'm losing it over every little thing. I feel like one big mess!

How do I get through this day? This weekend?? I've gone to a meeting every night these last 2 weeks, I'm saying the morning & 1-3rd step prayers, I listen to speaker tapes, I'm calling sober people, I'm doing my step work (I should be done with my 4th by next weekend).

I'm just letting it all out to you guys. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, if anything.

I DEFINITELY understand why they say no dating in the first year. I can only imagine what I would have been like had I attempted dating 6 months ago. I can only thank God I've got a solid foundation and haven't relapsed over this. But the temptation is there.

Wow I am sending you a virtual hug. You hang in there. Good for you for seeing the red flags. There is a lot of unfinished business with him for sure, let alone your stuff. When I feel like you do now, I just pray for guidance. I say God help me to do your will, your way and in your time. Good luck

Oh sweetheart. I can hear the pain in your words. I know you didn’t want to break it off, but you’re leading with your head right now because you are sober, so you have to trust that you had your reasons.

I wouldn’t be able to do it, to not get involved with someone if I had done this single. I dont do single very well, it’s why I stayed married 21 years...who am I to tell someone they have to be single because they recently got sober?

Do you have some women friends? Someone to get coffee, go to a workout with, go shopping? I always got through heartbreak that way. Btw it hurts even if you aren’t going through something like getting sober....

Hugs

You know - sometimes 'getting through' involves some pain and tears. If you're sober, then you're getting thorough.

Remember, this WILL pass.

You don't mention your sponsor in the list of things you're 'doing'. Might be worth an emergency meeting and inventory together. It may be that this is something that she warned you about and you're worried you'll get an 'I told you so'. Thing is, if she was wise enough to offer advice about not getting in this position, chances are she'll also have some wisdom about how to push through where you are now. (Most of us get wise the painful way, or by watching someone we care about do the same.)

You dipped your toe in the vortex and felt its power. That can be scary. You are less than half way through your recovery program - things have already go so, so much better. But the best is still to come. It's hard to be patient, but you will be strong enough to 'do' dating and relationships in due course. Give yourself time.

I remember seeing this little toddler at the checkout with his mother. He was desperate to hlp and was literally chucking things up onto the conveyor belt. His mum let him, and laughed with him.... til he reached for the eggs. She quickly grabbed those and said "No. I'll do those, you can't do those yet." The little boy was frustrated and acted like his heart had broken in two. I so felt his pain, thinking back on how hard it was waiting to have enough sober tools, and faith, built up so I could do certain things. Like that little boy, you're still growing. Soon your recovery will be big and strong enough to deal with more delicate emotional matters. But for now I reckon you did the right thing popping those precious eggs to one side so you don't accidentally smash them.

Hugs to ya. BB xxx

Glad you shared and I too feel for you.

It seems you saw a lot of red flags in both you and him and I am proud of you for being strong enough to end things. I know I didn't have that strength when i was drunk - and only sober and worthy of being loved by a great person, have I made wonderful decisions.

keep going- it does get better and you will get stronger if you keep working your recovery.

Take care of YOU.

Wisdom I heard at a meeting: "having a relationship is like pouring Miracle Grow on your character defects". I had the worst relationship of my life in my tenth year; thank God I didn't drink over it.

Thank you so much berrybean. I forgot to add that I’ve been calling my sponsor every day multiple times a day. She’d always given me the suggestion to not date in the first year. She didn’t give me an “I told you so” but that actually was one of my fears!

In the amount of time we dated, I stopped going to meetings, I barely called my sponsor, didn’t call any other sober people (only texted) and I know that is why my insecurities came out full force. I had quickly made him my higher power, and it was terrible.

Thank you for that anecdote. It completely makes sense. I suppose one day I will be ready. Sigh. :(

This is so true. I felt insane. Literally out of my mind. I suddenly became so full of fear. And since I made him my higher power during it, I had no spiritual tools to be restored to sanity.

So much pain. I miss him. I always thought people don’t work out together because one person loses interest or personalities don’t mesh. I never thought circumstances factored in.

Maybe this is a good sort of hurt. I don’t know. I have female friends and I’ve been keeping busy with my program as well.

Thank you so much for your reply.

Thanks August. I have hope things will get better the more I stick to my recovery.

I definitely have dealt with this differently. In the past I would get drunk, have drunken fights, post awful things about the other person on social media, etc.

Thank you htown. I’ve been praying to god to direct my thinking to do god’s will like you suggested. I’ve been praying the serenity prayer and 3rd step prayer many times throughout the day.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I get to acting alcoholic when I am in love too. Love means being vulnerable and for me it pushes a lot of those alcoholic triggers. So I really get it.

Speaking from experience, I don't think this is about him much at all. I think it's about you.

I was single the first 18 months after quitting. I had to work really hard at my insecurities.

I am early in a new relationship now and things are good, but I still slip into bad habits and self-sabotaging thinking. I have to be really REALLY super firm and disciplined with myself not to let those things overtake me.

I think you need to be a bit gentle with yourself initially because it's raw, but then you need to take yourself in hand once the pain wears off and commit to giving yourself more time and getting deeper through the recovery steps. . The "wait twelve months" advice is actually one of the best ones I followed in sobriety, as it turns out.

I'm very, very sorry you're hurting. It gets better but it still hurts to be in it.

I'm sorry for your pain Laur but I really do think you've acted wisely :)

D

Can you explain? I am lacking in self-awareness right now.

All I feel when I wake up is sadness and confusion and I start questioning myself. Maybe if I had gone to more meetings, things wouldn't have turned out this way. Maybe I wouldn't have scared him off with my alcoholic behavior (I started asking him to define the relationship only weeks after knowing him). I feel as though I ruined things.

I'm really hating myself right now.

Thank you Sylvie. Your reply really helped. It's like I know I did the right thing, but every hour I come up with arguments on why I did the wrong thing.

And thank you for saying my words were bold, strong, kind, and brave. I rarely feel that way. I don't think the long text message I sent him with those words in there came from me. I think they came from my higher power. And that alone should tell me the right thing was done, and that I can be all those things if I just hold on to my connection with my higher power.

I want to thank you for sharing this very sensitive part of yourself and journey into a truly sober life. Because right before my relapse (was year three), I was starting to date too, and it was daunting to say the least. I too connected with someone; we had so many similarities people joked that we were made for each other. But he and his family are wine royalty here in Wine Country, and big BIG drinkers (every weekend out to party, the lot of them), and I had to ask myself some difficult questions. I cut him loose and started to believe that I would never find anyone, and even questioned if I was lovable and if I made the right choice.

You took a very, VERY courageous step and I sincerely admire you that.

I just wanted to let you know that you are going everything right as far as your sobriety goes, and sometimes we alcoholics believe that if we put all of our blood, sweat and tears into sobriety, it will come back with immediate rewards in every part of our lives. And it will - when the time is right. Sometimes, just staying sober is reward enough. I hold on to what my mother says, that every accomplishment has come as a direct result of the hard work I put in, when it is meant to happen. In addition to wanting to always feel good all the time, I think a lot of us alcoholics get conditioned to immediate gratification and we lose the grace of patience.

It sounds to me like you are experiencing love for the first time in a long time, as your true authentic and exposed self. And that is the definition of courage if you ask me. Coeur (heart from French). You allowed your hopes to elevate just a bit, and experience vulnerability without a drink in hand, blurring reality from fantasy.

Let the tears flow but don't fall into the abyss and starting conjuring monsters from shadows; you will love again and they will love you back - when you are ready. When all was said and done, I realized for myself that I just wasn't ready yet. Keeping going and know we are here with you.:grouphug:

Wow! You actually met someone...
 

Wow! You actually met someone? Fantastic! Not said in anyway facetiously, good for you...My biggest problem and it's an ongoing one,is learning to like never mind love myself which doesn't mean II can't engage at least socially with another person(s) but I've never felt anything that would make me jeopardise what I have in terms of my serenity and peace of mind....

One thing I do know is that good relationships exist in terms of simply being with someone who makes you happy in just being themselves as you do them.

Similarly friendships exist when the people involved provide each other with emotional support, which can be anything from shared laughter to dealing with more serious matters....

They are built on mutual respect and trust...

All of which seems a good starting point to me so whilst I wish you well both now and in the future I wouldn't beat yourself up or be to hard on yourself or the other person involved but be aware of the dangers of overthinking situations.

I've always found the suggestion to think before you think a good starting point before I let my emotions run riot and lose everything I've worked for,min terms of my sobriety...just a thought.

What I meant was that you need to work on yourself before you can contemplate a relationship.

Right now you are plaguing yourself with regrets, doubts and self-hatred, and that's a big sign that you need to work on yourself and your recovery.

As you do the work, you will emerge a stronger, happier, more balanced person. Until you are mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthier, any relationship you enter will likely end badly, whether with this person or any other.

A bad relationship or a break-up could sabotage your own recovery.

It is understandable that you are not thinking clearly now because you are in pain from the break-up. This is why I said to be gentle with yourself.

But gently or not, you must stop focussing on what has been done and gone. You need to look towards the future, your recovery and building yourself into a stronger person. That is actually the only way to achieve a happy relationship - and it's true of anyone.

Meeting Someone
 

'You wait a lifetime to meet Someone

who understands you, accepts you as you are.

At the end, you find that Someone, all along has been you.'

Richard Bach ' 'Reminders for the Advanced Soul'

for those who suffer from alcoholism you do a lot of this sort of thing...

THIS. I've never been truly open and honest with someone and said, "hey I'm an alcoholic" to anyone I've dated before. Being accepted and being able to talk recovery with someone was this moment of like "what, this can happen? People can accept me for who I really am?"

Thank you so much. I actually went on a date last night with someone new :15: (I thought after I ended things with the guy last Thursday, the best way to get over him was dating right away and I made plans with this guy and didn't want to flake). Anyway, the entire time I kept wishing it was the other guy, and I was bored to death. (Thank you God for removing the obsession of dating!) This guy and I had nothing in common. It was great information because I learned so much about myself!- I don't like pita chips, 80s music, or the desert- who knew? I'm learning a lot about myself in sobriety.

So I'm back on the no-dating plan, focusing on my sobriety. I think I've got some old wounds that need healing. I don't want to bring that sort of baggage into a new relationship.