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Old 11-21-2017, 10:04 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MissPerfumado View Post
What I meant was that you need to work on yourself before you can contemplate a relationship.

Right now you are plaguing yourself with regrets, doubts and self-hatred, and that's a big sign that you need to work on yourself and your recovery.

As you do the work, you will emerge a stronger, happier, more balanced person. Until you are mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthier, any relationship you enter will likely end badly, whether with this person or any other.

A bad relationship or a break-up could sabotage your own recovery.

It is understandable that you are not thinking clearly now because you are in pain from the break-up. This is why I said to be gentle with yourself.

But gently or not, you must stop focussing on what has been done and gone. You need to look towards the future, your recovery and building yourself into a stronger person. That is actually the only way to achieve a happy relationship - and it's true of anyone.
You're so right. Thank you so much for your reply. I'm going to move forward. I realized that I've got so much fear in me and old wounds that need to heal. When I'm in fear, my self-will takes over and I make quite a mess of things. I need to do the steps in order to heal the wounds.

Who knows what will happen in the future? Either way, I've got a lot of work that needs to be done, because right now the person I'd be bringing into any sort of relationship, isn't my best self.
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Old 11-21-2017, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Redmayne View Post
'You wait a lifetime to meet Someone

who understands you, accepts you as you are.

At the end, you find that Someone, all along has been you.'

Richard Bach ' 'Reminders for the Advanced Soul'

for those who suffer from alcoholism you do a lot of this sort of thing...
Thank you for both of your replies! You're right. I need to think before I think. My best thinking is not so great, haha.

And I need to love myself. I so quickly made him my higher power, which tells me that I'm not there yet in terms of loving myself. Also the self-hatred I feel because I know my self-will made a total mess of things.

Sigh. I'm just so impatient. I want everything to be better immediately. I feel like, "hey everyone! I've almost got a year! So now I can date and fall in love, and buy a house, a car, and life will be great! Right???"
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Old 11-21-2017, 09:01 PM
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I think we all do that to some extent, I think the time it takes to achieve our post sobriety goals can sometimes derail us. I know I want things to immediately be perfect and I often have to talk myself back to reality.

So pita chips and the desert are meh, but 80’s music? Come on!
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Old 11-21-2017, 09:10 PM
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A handy maxim

It's a handy but simple maxim for those, who like me suffer from alcoholism but you need to 'think before you start thinking'. Which for me I interpret as meaning that mine and I'd suggest recovery is a 'selfish program' in which I must decide what is not in my control i.e. family , friends, the weather, the economy etc. best described as external events and what is in my control. My opinion, judgement, perception not for nothing is alcoholism sometimes referred to as 'the Disease of Perception'...

Emphasised by Epictetus saying,'Man is not disturbed by things but his view of things' reflected in the words of the Serenity Prayer and, thankfully no longer the delusional life I lead in my drinking days...

So in any relationships at whatever level, personal or professional it's often a good thing to pause, reflect and move on bearing in mind that whatever the circumstances sobriety comes first for without that . Metaphorically speaking 'rain or sunshine' nothing else matters...without it 'there's no me' which includes what I can offer both to others and myself....
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Old 11-22-2017, 07:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy View Post
I think we all do that to some extent, I think the time it takes to achieve our post sobriety goals can sometimes derail us. I know I want things to immediately be perfect and I often have to talk myself back to reality.

So pita chips and the desert are meh, but 80’s music? Come on!
What can I say?? I’m a 70s music kinda gal!

I’m realizing my thinking still can’t be trusted all the time. I need to reach out to my sponsor and other sober people. I like to mix fantasy and reality too much.
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Old 11-22-2017, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Redmayne View Post

So in any relationships at whatever level, personal or professional it's often a good thing to pause, reflect and move on bearing in mind that whatever the circumstances sobriety comes first for without that . Metaphorically speaking 'rain or sunshine' nothing else matters...without it 'there's no me' which includes what I can offer both to others and myself....
I think I learned a lot of good lessons with this experience. 1. I can’t show up for anything or anyone unless I put my sobriety first. And 2. This was the first time I was my authentic self with someone, and I was still accepted. I can be loved. I didn’t think that would ever be the case.

I’m still sad, but feeling a glimmer of hope now.
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Old 11-22-2017, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by laur24 View Post
What can I say?? I’m a 70s music kinda gal!
Zepp, Yes, Floyd...the 70s ruled both music and film.

The 90s had grunge and alternative. Smashing Pumpkins, RHCP, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Radiohead...

The 80s were largely a soulless synthepop musical wasteland between the 70s and 90s.

Can I date at seven months?
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Old 11-22-2017, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by MindfulMan View Post

Can I date at seven months?
I really wouldn't recommend it. This has been really difficult on me. I probably would have relapsed had I gone through this at 7 months. You really need a strong foundation in sobriety to fall back on.

Every character defect I have came out in this short amount of time of dating.

I really would wait.
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Old 11-22-2017, 12:34 PM
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My mind keeps going everywhere. One second I'm fine. The next I just want to start crying. What is wrong with me?

Maybe its the holidays.
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Old 11-22-2017, 09:15 PM
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You just took a very huge step by walking away from something and someone you really wanted that wasn't good for your sobriety. It could also be that you're coming up on your year. Big event, even though a good one, you might be stressing. Sounds like quite an eventful time AND the holidays approaching.
Winter blues perhaps?

I hope you get some peace soon.
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Old 11-22-2017, 10:32 PM
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Thanks mindful.

I’m laying low and trying to distract with a book or sleep or a movie.

I called my sponsor crying and she told me much the same thing you said. That, and I’m doing my 5th step this Saturday which is a huge stressor.

I’m full of fear right now. Fear of being alone and never finding my person, being judged, fear of not being good enough, not being pretty enough, smart enough, the list goes on and on.

Time for a fear prayer I guess.
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Old 11-22-2017, 10:36 PM
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Prayers for you to ride this out. I reckon getting that Step 5 done is likely to bring you a lot of relief and hope.

BB xx
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Old 11-22-2017, 10:42 PM
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PS This prayer is a big help to me in staying aware of the pull of my fear / ego driven impulses, and in asking for strength in resisting those pulls.

Humility Prayer.

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired,
loved,
praised,
favoured,
accepted,
consulted,
well known,
and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised,
ridiculed,
humiliated,
falsely accused,
persecuted,
disbelieved,
despised,
and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I,
praised when I am unnoticed,
chosen though I may be set aside,
preferred to me,
and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my fear and ego driven impulses for what they are, and resist being their puppet.

AMEN.
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Old 11-22-2017, 10:50 PM
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Berrybean!

Thank you! That prayer is amazing. I’ve saved it in my phone for future reference!

One of my fears is that I’ll finish my 5th step and feel just as worse or more worse than before.

Praying now.
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Old 11-23-2017, 02:29 AM
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Originally Posted by laur24 View Post
Can you explain? I am lacking in self-awareness right now.

All I feel when I wake up is sadness and confusion and I start questioning myself. Maybe if I had gone to more meetings, things wouldn't have turned out this way. Maybe I wouldn't have scared him off with my alcoholic behavior (I started asking him to define the relationship only weeks after knowing him). I feel as though I ruined things.

I'm really hating myself right now.
This wasn't posted to me, but I have a couple of thoughts -

Learning to trust myself to make good decisions has been a process indeed; one I'm still working on! I often think of the BB with assurance here - the part on 84-88 when it talks about "intuitively knowing how to handle things that used to baffle us." For me, this has become more and more true (I am 21 mo sober this week) and I can especially see this when I have made decisions through talking with my sponsor and sober friends, prayer, honest discussion with my fiance....

Sitting in and through bad or even just "normal" feelings feels strange and uncomfortable for awhile. That other part in the BB about disturbance and aggravation - ugh, so true for me in major ways early on (like first 100 days) then popping up at intervals, like a weekish around 4 mo, around 9....now, it's more like a few hours, maybe a day or two over something big, that I wrestle, if I do...

Being gentle with myself - and letting "time take time" which is a sometimes annoying saying in AA! - has been a learning process. I apply this to big and small things. Like...it's ok if I struggle with deciding not to go to Thgvg with my FOO even though I know it was the right decision (that whole worrying about what they think thing, or any codependent/pleaser stuff!), or it's ok if I go to bed at 7p because I have expended enough energy for one day, or....

I will also add to my first comments to you that as far as a relationship goes, I could/can only do it with one of the most solid men I have ever known. My dad is a guiding example of that and my fiance is up there with him - our situation is VERY unique in that he has loved me since we were 15 and dated in high school, he looked me up out of the blue summer of '16, is in recovery too - and we have/are building a life that is joyful, drama free, focused on both of our recoveries, family based (I'm inheriting two teenagers).....and frankly, this is the only kind of relationship I could "risk" - my point here is that the more sobriety we get, the better able we are to make good decisions, and be proud of them, in all areas of our lives.

Take care of you and keep going!
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Old 11-23-2017, 08:12 AM
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Congrats on your 2 weeks shy of a year!!!! That’s is a huge WIN!!

Giving you a hug too!! My sponsor would say write a gratitude list.. I think that’s the only thing he ever tells me.. I pray the gloom goes away today!! Keep working it!! I hope you have a better day!!! This too shall pass!!!! Wishing you the best!!!
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Old 11-27-2017, 08:27 AM
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You guys, I feel so horrible. I texted him a happy thanksgiving and I got a response but he seemed just unaffected, not interested. I don’t know what I was expecting! I certainly wasn’t expecting to start anything up again. I wasn’t even expecting a response. But the lack of interest left me feeling horrible.

I started reading out my 4th step on Saturday, but after 5 hours, we needed a break. So I’ll be continuing on Tuesday. I just want to play God. I swear I’d make sure everyone else was happy if I could just get this one thing. I sooo badly want a family.

I’m just unhappy. Thinking of what I don’t have. Jealous of those who have what I want. And so jealous of this guy’s ex that has children and some connection to him.

I don’t know how to get over this!! I just want to be happy with what I have and hopeful for the future once again. I want to trust god again.
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Old 11-28-2017, 07:29 AM
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It’s very cliched and I’m sorry for that, but it just takes time. It hurts for a little or a long time, it hurts for as long as it needs to. You’ll find someone better suited someday, just have faith in that.

People who truly want relationships tend to have them.
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Old 11-28-2017, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by MissPerfumado View Post

Speaking from experience, I don't think this is about him much at all. I think it's about you.
I just now "got" this! It's not him that isn't ready for a relationship! It's me!

My mind is blown. I'm in the process of step 5 right now, and I'm realizing he didn't need to change or do anything for me to be okay. I thought HE was the one that needed to work on himself. I thought HE needed to be more emotionally available.

I can't stop chuckling at myself now at how out of touch my 'goodbye' text to him was.

Oh well! Moving on with my sobriety now
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Old 11-28-2017, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by laur24 View Post
I just now "got" this! It's not him that isn't ready for a relationship! It's me!

My mind is blown. I'm in the process of step 5 right now, and I'm realizing he didn't need to change or do anything for me to be okay. I thought HE was the one that needed to work on himself. I thought HE needed to be more emotionally available.

I can't stop chuckling at myself now at how out of touch my 'goodbye' text to him was.

Oh well! Moving on with my sobriety now
I'm very happy you got what I meant. It's a big step forward.

Also, it's a matter of taking responsibility for your own happiness. It's very empowering and a cause for much hope, because you CAN work on you, but you can't change anyone else.

Yup, you need to keep on moving... ain't nothing gonna break your stride. (You might be a 70s music gal, but I'm an 80s one. )

It still might be a case of two steps forward and one step back. But the important thing is to point yourself in the right direction ... which means looking forward to a happy healthy future with someone, when YOU have done the work and are ready.

x
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