After 192 days I wanted to try icy waters. I had a relapse.
 

After 192 days, I started having this Alcoholic Voices in my head. I think everyone here was familiar to this:

- Am I really an alcoholic? I just handle this muth time...
- What if I trie to moderate?
- I should just give myself a day off. I deserve after all this work...

Then there was a holiday where I live, on Thursday. At 10 in the morning (the morning was always my favorite time to start) I had my first beer.

I will not go into details not to cause triggers or romanticizing alcohol for ours colleagues. So, to just cut off: At 5 in the afternoon I was on the couch, with headache, feeling sick, stomach upset and all that **** you guys know.

And I tought: - That's it, I feel terrible. I learned the lesson. I will not drink again. But the monster had already entered inside me again.

And guess whats? After this episode, took me 3 days, and a lot of beers, vodka and liquor (accompanied by depression, anxiety, crying, not eating right, not sleeping well, bad decisions and despair) later, to handle to stop again.

When I drink, I smoke like crazy. So after these days, I still won by present (I don't know if in english this expression make sense) a respiratory problem (sinusitis).

I'm already much better today. Let's to this again. 6 days since my last drink.

I wanted to share this with you for a reason:

- I want you to mirror in my story and the other hundreds of the same here. Do not believe the one sip. Do not believe this time is gonna be "just a beer". We have many other examples here: If you try to put your foot in this cold water, You'll be pulled in and will need a lot of strength to get out alone or a friend lifeguard to rescue you.

Alcoholism is a violent sea. No matter how good a swimmer you are. Don't play with the sea. You can drown or be taken far away from the coast.

My only mission continues: Avoid the first sip. Just for today.

Thanks for the reminder SoberN. Glad you made it back out and chose to come tell us as well. You are absolutely spot on...if you give your addiction/AV even the tiniest crack to come back in the door, it will take advantage.

Have you given any though to what you might change or add to your toolbox/plan the next time those thoughts pop up?

Thank you for the wonderful post! Sorry that you had a relapse but, your post experience story will help someone. It has made a huge impression on me.:thanks

When you slip, you pick yourself back up and truck on. Great job. Never hurts to provide a reminder for others. I went through years of trying to get sober with relapses. I thought I was a total POS. But looking back, I think I was providing a service to those sober because I was serving as a reminder of what can happen. Not something I want to repeat, but I am grateful if it gave anyone any help.

Thank you soberN. I am facing a challenge this weekend at day 116 and have been facilitating wildly this week but I know I will not take one sip thanks in part to your reminder. I am going on a women's retreat and I am all prepared with snacks and lots of coffee. I truly want my sober life more than I ever want to go back to drinking. Thank you for sharing and may we never dip our toes in that icy pit again.

Thank you all for the support. :tyou

I realise the primary reasons for my relapse:

- I don't checked HALT (I was hungry and Lonely when that happens).
- I listenned to my AV and trust in the Euphoric Recall (I cannot post links here, but those who do not know the term can Google it)
- I used to run in streets on my days off, but this day my ankle was bruised. (Always have a plan B)

In my opinion, the most serious was the Euphoric Recall. I planned an entire day listening to my AV how incredible would be if I spend an entire day playing games and intoxicating myself.

As expected, the Euphoric Recall made me remember (romanticize) only the good part that I remembered doing this. But it was a lie. I could not remember how bad and depressing I felt every time that happened. Until I feel.

So the next time the AV tries to talk to me. I will use this experience, as the name itself already says: experience.

When I woke up on the third day of intoxication, with my heart beating harder and faster than if I had run, after almost 72 direct hours of Binge, I have to admit again: I'm powerless to alcohol. And always will be. Abstinence does not make me stronger. If I let the alcohol come into me again, I will continue powerless to this drug.

Now I have a fresh new memory of how not worth it and how I must remain vigilant.

Sorry you had a relapse but well done for stopping again and for sharing your experiences with us. I'm proud of you 👍

Sound like you've thought it over pretty thoroughly SoberN, and learning from our mistakes is very important...looks like you have learned a lot already.

Don't forget someone is almost always online here on SR if you need any additional support or just a place to talk when you are having a bad day, or if you need to talk through things like urges, etc.

Thank you SoberN - your post has been a great help to me.
Best wishes on your continuing recovery.

Thank you so much, sober N. I know the five pm feeling well as a morning drinker myself. You’ve given me a gift today by telling me this, now you can give one to yourself by putting in the work to get sober again.

Thanks for coming back, too! Best wishes

I wanted the night off too when I relapsed. It did not quite work out like that though😖 Thanks for sharing your story and well done on six days. You can do this.

Seeing the devastation caused by my drinking was never really enough to get me to quit. It was death by a thousand cuts, and I could always stand one more, with the promise of release and that buzz of pleasure. No, those blackouts and shamefilled episodes were not enough to get me to quit. It had to be something positive for me to make the leap to unconditional sobriety.

I was successful by framing my decision to quit drinking as a choice, a decision to demand something better, rather than staying away from something harmful. I came to understand I could drink and be sick, depressed, angry, ashamed, and lose everything I hold dear, OR instead I could make a life worth living with beauty and joy and hope and a little happiness.

This has made it all very clear for me. I can have one, or the other, but I cannot ever have both. I am very happy with my choice, and nothing, no temptation or event, or emotion can ever make me change it.

I hope you can do something similar, SoberN. I wish you the best.

Our higher power works in mysterious ways. The fact that you came back is a miracle unto itself. Sounds like you learned a lesson and didn't die in the process. You needed this relasap for some reason and you were given a taste of it. Literally.
Most of us would be less fortunate. I feel like if I relasap again I'm a dead man.
Thank God for the opportunity to keep your life, and I thank you for the post. Your an inspiration to us all. Let's move forward. The past is gone. That's all there is to it.

welcome back SoberN :)

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Thank you for the reminder, SoberN. Hearing it from someone else who knows it exactly, is always a powerful reality check.
Don't believe that voice. That's a reminder that never gets old, no matter how many years sober.

We're very happy you're back with us.

I hope that you follow and work a plan of recovery which works for you.

I could not imagine trying to stay sober without a plan of recovery, in my case AA.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Welcome back onto the sober bus.