Telling the new person in your life you're a (recovering) alcoholic
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Telling the new person in your life you're a (recovering) alcoholic
Hey everyone
It's been a while since I posted on SR. I'm still sober, it's coming up on 2 years I've quit. Life is great, and there are frankly so many blessings that have come my way since I stopped drinking that I have no temptation to go back at all.
I have a new partner. He's wonderful. I cannot believe I found someone like him. He is kind, gentle, handsome, intelligent, and responsible. We have been together about 4 months. I am still in that beautiful "in love" phase, when I think about him all the time, and feel like I have won the lottery of love.
He knows I don't drink at all. He asked me once about it, very early on, and I told him I stopped because I wasn't handling it well.
He asked me about it again last night. We were having one of those deep and meaningful conversations, and I guess it was natural as we both know we are moving on to a new and deeper stage in our partnership. He asked me if I considered myself an alcoholic - I said yes without hesitating. Then I told him more about it, the danger it was causing to my health, the lonely nights of drinking on my own. etc. I told him the whole story of how I stopped, and honestly it's not a story I have shared with many people in real life.
He listened and he didn't judge and he was really brilliant and said all the right things (how proud he is of me etc.) but I felt very vulnerable and a little ashamed. I guess I always try to come across as in control and I could not put up that facade anymore.
He barely drinks himself. He has no experience with alcoholism or addiction as far as I know.
Has anyone here had any experience with this sort of thing? I feel generally very positive and sure it will only make us stronger but the vulnerability thing is kind of hitting me hard. I feel like I want to explain some more to him but don't want to bang on about it more than I need to.
MissP
It's been a while since I posted on SR. I'm still sober, it's coming up on 2 years I've quit. Life is great, and there are frankly so many blessings that have come my way since I stopped drinking that I have no temptation to go back at all.
I have a new partner. He's wonderful. I cannot believe I found someone like him. He is kind, gentle, handsome, intelligent, and responsible. We have been together about 4 months. I am still in that beautiful "in love" phase, when I think about him all the time, and feel like I have won the lottery of love.
He knows I don't drink at all. He asked me once about it, very early on, and I told him I stopped because I wasn't handling it well.
He asked me about it again last night. We were having one of those deep and meaningful conversations, and I guess it was natural as we both know we are moving on to a new and deeper stage in our partnership. He asked me if I considered myself an alcoholic - I said yes without hesitating. Then I told him more about it, the danger it was causing to my health, the lonely nights of drinking on my own. etc. I told him the whole story of how I stopped, and honestly it's not a story I have shared with many people in real life.
He listened and he didn't judge and he was really brilliant and said all the right things (how proud he is of me etc.) but I felt very vulnerable and a little ashamed. I guess I always try to come across as in control and I could not put up that facade anymore.
He barely drinks himself. He has no experience with alcoholism or addiction as far as I know.
Has anyone here had any experience with this sort of thing? I feel generally very positive and sure it will only make us stronger but the vulnerability thing is kind of hitting me hard. I feel like I want to explain some more to him but don't want to bang on about it more than I need to.
MissP
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Welcome back MissP, congrats on 2 years! It's great to hear that you are doing well. I have told a few people the real story about why I don't drink anymore, and while it does make you feel vulnerable it also shows maturity and that you actually do have control over your life. You made the decision to quit and stay quit, and it has been a great success.
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Opening up is scary, if you make yourself vulnerable and it goes negatively- then he is not the right guy. he brought it up, not you. you should not lie to a direct question. that being said, i think if i was not asked directly i would not elaborate. i have found the past is the past and i try to live more in the moment. why do my past mistakes need to be discussed, failed relationships, shameful acts, etc? i am not that person any more.
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Vulnerability is always difficult...That's the challenge of finding a significant other and doing it sober 
Well done is all I'd say. As difficult as it is...how much better to be open with someone, let them see you for who you are and take the risk of being fully accepted exactly as you are?
My own experience...I usually start to explain sooner rather than later as it obviously comes up. Over time people tend to ask more and more questions...I answer them as they come. I try not to lay it all out up front and I try not to hide or avoid saying what needs to be said.
Again...Vulnerability is always the key. The only good reason...for me...to hide parts of myself from a significant other is being afraid that if they really know me they'll reject me...or use things against me. There are a million reasons someone might reject or hurt me...mostly all of these reasons are about them...not about me and certainly not about my alcoholism.
Living in fear is not my style today so I'd rather take a chance at the real thing
P
Well done is all I'd say. As difficult as it is...how much better to be open with someone, let them see you for who you are and take the risk of being fully accepted exactly as you are?
My own experience...I usually start to explain sooner rather than later as it obviously comes up. Over time people tend to ask more and more questions...I answer them as they come. I try not to lay it all out up front and I try not to hide or avoid saying what needs to be said.
Again...Vulnerability is always the key. The only good reason...for me...to hide parts of myself from a significant other is being afraid that if they really know me they'll reject me...or use things against me. There are a million reasons someone might reject or hurt me...mostly all of these reasons are about them...not about me and certainly not about my alcoholism.
Living in fear is not my style today so I'd rather take a chance at the real thing
P
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Join Date: May 2017
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If anyone asks I just say it. Simple as that.
Why hide? I not ashame of my disease. For me is like diabetes.
"- Sorry, I don't drink because I cant. I'm a alcoholic."
Is the same for me, like:
"- Sorry, I can't eat this candy. I'm diabetic."
I just make this topic this simple. I have a condition, I assumed this condition and I have no shame to tell about.
Sobriety is now part of a big chunk of my life. Why not make it clear right away? That's my way of thinking.
If this new person considers this a problem, it's easier to cut from the beginning. Do not wait for a family party when you are already in love and the person hands you a dose of tequila and say: Let's do shots. That's will be more dificult to handle.
Why hide? I not ashame of my disease. For me is like diabetes.
"- Sorry, I don't drink because I cant. I'm a alcoholic."
Is the same for me, like:
"- Sorry, I can't eat this candy. I'm diabetic."
I just make this topic this simple. I have a condition, I assumed this condition and I have no shame to tell about.
Sobriety is now part of a big chunk of my life. Why not make it clear right away? That's my way of thinking.
If this new person considers this a problem, it's easier to cut from the beginning. Do not wait for a family party when you are already in love and the person hands you a dose of tequila and say: Let's do shots. That's will be more dificult to handle.
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Location: Cleveland
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I think it speaks to the quality of your relationship that you felt open to telling him. Ultimately a good relationship is built on loving someone for who they are. In my opinion, an alcoholic in successful recovery is an example of strong character and priorities.
Outside of the my most intimate friends, I don't usually use the word alcoholic. only because of the total lack of context many people have with it. If I'm not that close to someone, I am not in a position usually to talk about alcoholism in depth. My standard line is one I stole from the writer Pete Hamill. In his memoir "A Drinking Life", he tells the story of when he was asked - after he'd become sober - why he doesn't drink. "I have no talent for it" was his response. That sums it up perfectly for me.
Outside of the my most intimate friends, I don't usually use the word alcoholic. only because of the total lack of context many people have with it. If I'm not that close to someone, I am not in a position usually to talk about alcoholism in depth. My standard line is one I stole from the writer Pete Hamill. In his memoir "A Drinking Life", he tells the story of when he was asked - after he'd become sober - why he doesn't drink. "I have no talent for it" was his response. That sums it up perfectly for me.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Welcome back MissP, congrats on 2 years! It's great to hear that you are doing well. I have told a few people the real story about why I don't drink anymore, and while it does make you feel vulnerable it also shows maturity and that you actually do have control over your life. You made the decision to quit and stay quit, and it has been a great success.
Originally Posted by Dee74
It sounds like you did the right thing to me MissP - it doesn't sound like this guy will use this information to hurt you at all
D
D
Scott, yes, I will hold my head up and continue to. I felt the time was right to share it, especially being asked directly. It's really a part of my whole story, and I see it as such. I usually would not care so much what another person thinks, but I am acutely aware this person is different because I care deeply for him. But yes, to Dee's point, I think he is a good one, this one
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
Miss P, I don't have any experience to share but I want to thank you for posting. It was a pleasure to read. Best wishes to you and your partner.
Originally Posted by SnazzyDresser
Congrats on your 2 years and your new relationship, MissPerfumado! Your posts have always been a great force for good here on SR, all the best to you.
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Originally Posted by HTown
Opening up is scary, if you make yourself vulnerable and it goes negatively- then he is not the right guy. he brought it up, not you. you should not lie to a direct question. that being said, i think if i was not asked directly i would not elaborate. i have found the past is the past and i try to live more in the moment. why do my past mistakes need to be discussed, failed relationships, shameful acts, etc? i am not that person any more.
It's why I did not spill it out until asked directly, and then when I was asked, I only went into the detail once I felt the trust. But once I went into the detail, I did own it. I think the only thing I would add to this is that: it's not me now, but it's part of my story.
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Originally Posted by paulokes
Living in fear is not my style today so I'd rather take a chance at the real thing
P
Originally Posted by SoberN
If this new person considers this a problem, it's easier to cut from the beginning. Do not wait for a family party when you are already in love and the person hands you a dose of tequila and say: Let's do shots. That's will be more dificult to handle.
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Originally Posted by feldknocker
I think it speaks to the quality of your relationship that you felt open to telling him. Ultimately a good relationship is built on loving someone for who they are. In my opinion, an alcoholic in successful recovery is an example of strong character and priorities.
Outside of the my most intimate friends, I don't usually use the word alcoholic. only because of the total lack of context many people have with it. If I'm not that close to someone, I am not in a position usually to talk about alcoholism in depth. My standard line is one I stole from the writer Pete Hamill. In his memoir "A Drinking Life", he tells the story of when he was asked - after he'd become sober - why he doesn't drink. "I have no talent for it" was his response. That sums it up perfectly for me.
Outside of the my most intimate friends, I don't usually use the word alcoholic. only because of the total lack of context many people have with it. If I'm not that close to someone, I am not in a position usually to talk about alcoholism in depth. My standard line is one I stole from the writer Pete Hamill. In his memoir "A Drinking Life", he tells the story of when he was asked - after he'd become sober - why he doesn't drink. "I have no talent for it" was his response. That sums it up perfectly for me.
But thank you. We are a good strong group of people. And we are generally very tolerant and very kind because we have been to the brink of our own destruction and we climbed out or managed to pull away.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I am married so I don't have to worry about this.
But for the new people I meet, if the topic of drinking arises, I just say I don't drink.
I go to an AA meeting everyday so most of my friends are in the fellowship - but any new people I meet outside of AA I just say I don't drink and leave it at that.
Any mature normal person isn't going to judge me or ask me why.
But for the new people I meet, if the topic of drinking arises, I just say I don't drink.
I go to an AA meeting everyday so most of my friends are in the fellowship - but any new people I meet outside of AA I just say I don't drink and leave it at that.
Any mature normal person isn't going to judge me or ask me why.
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I have to say, I was the biggest alcoholic ever, for twenty plus years, but no longer, I stopped one year and two months ago. So I don't understand why someone would let their past behaviour define their present persona?
If you've stopped drinking, that's it, done, in your past, dealt with and you've moved on and grown and developed. Why let your past influence your now, your past is nobody else's business, once you've stopped drinking for good. Or am I missing something that you've posted about?
If you've stopped drinking, that's it, done, in your past, dealt with and you've moved on and grown and developed. Why let your past influence your now, your past is nobody else's business, once you've stopped drinking for good. Or am I missing something that you've posted about?
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Originally Posted by Tatsy
I have to say, I was the biggest alcoholic ever, for twenty plus years, but no longer, I stopped one year and two months ago. So I don't understand why someone would let their past behaviour define their present persona?
If you've stopped drinking, that's it, done, in your past, dealt with and you've moved on and grown and developed. Why let your past influence your now, your past is nobody else's business, once you've stopped drinking for good. Or am I missing something that you've posted about?
If you've stopped drinking, that's it, done, in your past, dealt with and you've moved on and grown and developed. Why let your past influence your now, your past is nobody else's business, once you've stopped drinking for good. Or am I missing something that you've posted about?
I don't think he sees my past behaviour defining the 'me' he knows today, that's actually not what our conversation was about. It was about understanding my past and putting it in the context of him getting to know me.
In the case of people coming together as a couple, who are beginning to commit to each other, I do think their individual pasts becomes the other's business.
But it shouldn't be about judgment it should be about understanding. And my post was about hoping he does really understand.
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I remember having a conversation with my BF early on about something from my past that I found shameful and that was hard for me to talk about, but something he needed to know if he was going to understand who I am. After I told him he told me that it didn't matter and that I deserved someone to love me and that he did love me. It was something I will never forget and that I will always love him for. I knew he was the kind of man who would stand by me through thick and thin, a true friend. That's real intimacy and authenticity.
I'm glad you had the courage and faith in yourself to be able to share who you are with your new man MissP. I'm happy for you that you found him. That's really great and another of the many gifts that sobriety has to offer
I'm glad you had the courage and faith in yourself to be able to share who you are with your new man MissP. I'm happy for you that you found him. That's really great and another of the many gifts that sobriety has to offer
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