I'm back and hoping it's different this time
 

I'm not sure when I was last here but, when I started drinking again, obviously I left because I didn't want to be reminded of my failure.

This time however, I'm pregnant. I have not touched a drop since finding out. I've also done something that I never did before and that's tell everyone in my life (not coworkers as it's private but friends and family) that I have a drinking problem and that I never want to drink again. The reason why I never did that before was because I knew I'd drink again and didn't want to be embarrassed or accountable. I was totally honest with my mum too; another first.

My partner says he's very proud of me and thinks I'm doing so much better than I ever have before which is lovely to hear. I know I want to be a good mummy and that means being sober.

So, apologies for the long post. Hi again everyone! I hope that this will be a lasting new beginning.

Glad to have you back with us, scaredikklegoth. :) Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm so glad you've decided to give sobriety another chance. We know you can get free of it and have a better life.

For me, coming to SR and talking about my feelings took a lot of the anxiety away. I had felt all alone until coming here, where I was understood and accepted. Not feeling isolated anymore made all the difference to me. Welcome back!

Thanks for the warm welcome or rewelcome :D

Yes, I'm hoping that by making some friends who are going through the same thing, I will be able to stick to it this time.

I know I won't drink while I'm pregnant as I don't want to harm the baby but I am scared that I'll drink again once the baby is born and I don't want that.

I had an anxiety reaction today to talking about it and that has never happened before. I think it's because I know that I am dead serious about it this time and it finally hit me what a huge change this is.

Am I rambling? Probably :D

You're wise to be cautious - I stopped when I found out I was pregnant & went back to it afterwards. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I didn't acknowledge that I was an alcoholic back then, though all the signs were there. You are aware - that's so important.

Not rambling. ;)

And that is exactly why I've finally made my struggle public. I'm thinking ahead to when the baby is out and the alcoholic part of my brain starts making all those excuses we're so familiar with. The shame of publicly failing not only myself but my partner and my baby is a huge deterrent. I've also been experiencing something totally new this time and that is that the thought of drinking scares and repulses me. Before I was scared of the liver damage, now I'm scared of the booze.

I've never felt this way about it before so I am determined.

You are determined, I can hear it in your words. Going public was brave and a forward thinking move for your sobriety. Good for you for quitting immediately upon finding out you’re going to be a mom, in my book with a decision like that you already are a mom. You’re already protecting your child.

I, like the above poster, went back to drinking after each of my sober pregnancies. I regret it. Sobriety is the best thing you could possibly give your family. Best wishes to you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Congratulations!

When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.

Thank you! I'm glad I'm coming across as determined as I really am. I even told my mum about my struggle and how bad it had become and she's being nice and supportive. A friend I used to drink heavily with is also trying to quit so we're supporting each other which is great. Unfortunately, another friend (who I no longer see because I was no longer prepared to put up with her behaviour) clearly does not want to lose her drinking buddy and told my friend that she didn't think she could do it which I think is a horrible thing to do. Glad I'm no longer friends with her! I told my friend that I absolutely think she CAN do it and that I'm here for support whenever she needs it.

I had panic attacks last night when the enormity of what I'm doing hit me and that also has never happened before as I always knew that I'd go back to it soon enough. This time I am terrified to drink again and want this monkey off my back for good.

Your doing the right thing by not drinking. I'm really glad you are here.

I'm so glad you are here! You can count on support from so many here, including me! You sound like you are really committed to doing the best thing you can for your family and life ahead. :)

Thanks guys. This is such a lovely group. I'm glad I came back. And yes, I want to be proud of being a good mum and a sober one at that.

Welcome back :)

D

Thanks Dee. I went to the supermarket tonight and remembered how my eyes used to drift to the booze aisle. Now when we wandered past it, I just felt revulsion. I remembered how horrible the stuff really tastes, how it would give me a bad tummy and make me anxious, how disappointed my partner would always be when I started grabbing bottles. No more.

Rather than starting multiple threads, I shall try to just stick to this one. There's no journal feature here (which is a shame but never mind) so this can serve as a record of my struggle.

I don't think I've mentioned that my withdrawal put me in the hospital. At the time I didn't realise that's what it was. I just thought I'd been unlucky enough to catch a stomach bug just as my morning sickness started. It's only in the last few days that I've realised no, you moron, that was withdrawl. It fits the time line perfectly and the dehydration caused by it put me in hospital because my kidneys were in trouble. I didn't get shakes or DTs but I was definitely paranoid, over emotional (again, I just thought it was the pregnancy) and had nasty stomach problems.

It just goes to show how blind alcoholism can make you. Of course it was withdrawl! My partner even brought it up and I just shook my head and said no it can't be that. Even since fully admitting to my alcoholism and committing to staying sober long after the baby has come, I STILL didn't see that I had gone through withdrawl. Madness really.

I'm very glad that baby and I have (as far as I know) come through it ok. I feel terrible that I was drinking while pregnant, even though I had no idea I was. I don't want to hurt my child, not now and not by being a drunk mum. I used to hate when my mum would get pissed and I don't want my kid to have to feel the same way.

Believing you never want to drink again doesn't mean it won't happen without therapy and/or a program of some sort. What I've learned in two decades of sobriety is that alcoholism isn't a rational disease. Just because I knew I shouldn't drink wouldn't keep me from doing it. We always carry rationalization and denial no matter how much time away from the bottle and going to AA reminds me that I'm a drunk. It's doing service and helping other alcoholics that enriches my life.

Oh I know and I'm not planning on doing this alone. I'm setting up meetings with therapists who specialise in addiction and attending online Smart meetings (there are none in my area which is a big shame). I might give AA a try so long as my feelings as an atheist are respected.

Congratulations on two decades sober! That's amazing!

WELCOME. Meetings and counseling are a must for me.

They definitely seem to be a huge factor in keeping people sober. Plus it's nice to kow some other people in the same boat. Makes you feel less alone, you know?

SLG- I find meetings are not so much about the process, but the people. There are a few with who I connect. So- yes it helps me feel less alone. A good thing for us all, I think.

Every day is a new day, Scared. Stick it out and know you're not alone; not with this problem - never...