FindingMyNext

For years and years and years, I have struggled with feeling contempt and distain from my older sister. I have literally spent a lifetime trying to get her to acknowledge me and value me. I've grown up, found an amazing and loving husband, had two beautiful children, and have a fantastic job.... and still I walk around this earth wondering why my own sister can't seem to stand the fact that I exist.
Kicking alcohol makes me realize why I loved alcohol so much; when I drank myself into a blitz, I didn't freakin care--if for just a short time-- what she thought of me.

Now, sober and planning to stay that way, I am realizing how much time I spend thinking about this loss in my life. This weekend, my sister and her family visited a restaurant in my town and posted on Facebook photographs of her kids galavanting on a river literally 1 mile from my house--but she didn't call or stop by. Nothing.
I think she carries a lot of anger, and my husband would say she has competition and mental health issues, but I can't tell you how hurtful it is that she doesn't seem to care if I'm dead or alive. It feels like a wound that will never heal.

Sobriety certainly forces us to deal with pain that alcohol let us repress. What's tricky is how to figure out how to deal with it and move on. I really need to move on. I am 43 and I think her treating me like crap started when I was about ten.... so, yeah. Time to figure this out. And MOVE ON.
My head tells me we can't control anyone else or what they think of us. My heart wishes she'd call me and say, "Let's be sisters. I love you and care for you."
That's all.

Doug39

We all look for excuses why we drink.

I drank when I was mad. I drank to celebrate a good day. I drank when I was lonely or bored. I drank to have fun. I drank because it was Tuesday. I drank because the sky is blue.

I really drank because I am an alcoholic.

Millions of people find ways to deal with life without abusing a substance.

Mac4711

Finding,
Listening to stories like yours tells me what our journey to sobriety really is about (and I thank you for that!): We need to acquire coping skills. Forgive your sister, forgive yourself, and move on. You have a wonderful family, so enjoy your life and don’t expend energy on things that you cannot change. And yes, don’t drink!

FindingMyNext

Doug39: It's important to note that I wasn't, at all, "looking for excuses." I have never used my situation with my sister to excuse why I drank. Indeed, I drank because I was an alcoholic.

I am merely explaining that, now that I'm sober, I feel sad and recognize that I need to find a way to move on.

I also understand millions of people find ways to deal with life without abusing a substance. I admire them.

Thank you for your input.

Ghostlight1

Yeah, you gotta move on. I come from a very dysfunctional family. Had a terrible childhood, never really knew my brother (raving alcoholic) and two sisters. Father was abusive, mother , in my mind, is mentally ill. A big ole mess.
But, like you, that's not what made me an alcoholic. I did that all on my own.

Six years sober and fifty years later I still wonder what it's like to have a 'normal' family.
I kind of wish for it. But it's not going to happen and I have to accept it.
Funny, my sister was in my city and didn't even bother to call me.
I don't hate or hold grudges against them, I just don't know them. And them, me.
So it goes. Onward and upward for me.
Sometimes I just still wonder......

FindingMyNext

Mac4711: Thank you. I love the idea of "forgive your sister, forgive yourself." Since I've never been sure what happened to make us estranged, I have always struggled with not being able to fix it. I'm a fixer, you see.
But, to your point, maybe we can just forgive. Period. Just that.
It's a new idea for me: Forgiving ourselves, and others, in some sort of recognition of pain but releasing of it, too.
That's what I'll work on.
I really appreciate your words.

Dee74

Hi findingmynext

I'm sorry for the relationship with your sister but you can only do so much - if she's unwilling to make any effort to rekindle your relationship that's on her and good or bad thats her choice.

I hope that you can gain solace from the other wonderful things in your life and move on from this

As for alcohol and numbing sadness - it did that for me for a while, but it never lasted - the wound always remain red and raw and I needed more and more applications of alcohol to numb me.

I hope now that wound will have a chance to heal for you

D

Stayingsassy

I’ve learned a lot about what it means to need validation from another person by being married. I’ve gone through periods where I needed my husband to “prove his love”to me and I frequently drank over it which only made the problem worse.

I had resentment about my mother’s treatment of me when I was a teen, about why my brother didn’t like me, about everyone else’s reaction to me, through my whole life, and I drank over it.

Came to realize I have zero control over who likes me, who doesn’t, who has mistreated me, who has disrespected me....I only have control over myself. Just me.

I am the only one I can control. I don’t control the feelings of anyone in the world anyone at work, anyone at home, anyone in my family.

Just me. And if someone doesn’t like me? That really is ok with me. I don’t like some people, and I have reasons. Im sure the people who don’t like me have good reasons too! And that does include family members.

Drinking makes it hard to have self love, self respect, self acceptance. I think it also makes it hard to let go when we need to. All drinking does is seem to put off any and all emotional work we need to do in ourselves. Sober time and self reflection will bring peace and answers for you....hoping for continued emotional healing for myself, too.

Andante

Stayingsassy is right on the money.

These are lessons that I've found difficult to learn, too, but it can be done.

Healthyandsober

why not calling your sister and telling her "Let's be sisters. I love you and care for you."

if she does not want to move on you did your part, best of luck

D122y

Find,

Ime...same thing.

Now clean, I see exactly when and why I drank....sort off.

I drank because I was heavily physically addicted, but I rationalized that I was "partying." I was having fun, the people I was frustrated with were not. I was winning.

When I quit, all the mental anguish I had felt and deadened with booze was no like an exposed nerve. It took well over a year to settle down to a tolerable level.

Before that, I wuld off and on be in a living hell of mental torment.

Now I am pretty content.

Now I look at "being left out" like this. People make their own decisions. I made my decisions and got to where I am. Whatever that is. I can't control people.

For example, my boss doesn't like me. Honestly. Nothing I do good, changes that. He likes others, not everyone though. I see that. People he likes get special treatment sometimes. Not always though.

Worrying about it brings me down, I obsess over it.

2 days ago I finally remembered, I can only control my thoughts. He is going to do what ever he wants, no matter what. He has crushed others that tried to impose on him.

I am doing great, why let him bring me down. Do my job as good as I can and get out of there. Take my money and enjoy my last 30 or so years.

My step Dad doesn't like me either. Same thing for him.

Imo...if my sister didn't like me..after 30 years...it is not going to change from anything I do. I would forget about her. If the FB posts bother you, i would unfriend her or whatever.

Blood doesn't guarantee loyalty or friendship.

Berrybean

Well, all I can say is that I came to sobriety with similar resentments and the pain that came with them. One of the blessings of my recovery is that I worked through these using the 12-step program of AA with an experienced sponsor. This helped me gain a little more perspective on things and I can now say that just 3.5 years into sobriety and I now have a better relationship with my mum and brother than I ever had (even in childhood). I would recommend this process to anyone who is in recovery. I now find it hard to really ppreciate the hold those 'failed' and 'damaged' relationships had on me. Waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to get to sleep, turning things round and round in my head, playing and replaying things from years ago - probably adding little comments and looks and intonations to my memory of events to twist that dagger in a little deeper. And the anger and rage I could conjour up just thinking about upcoming celebrations and what people may or may not do, think and say. The conversations I'd have in my head, where I'd say this, and then they'd say that or do this. On and on. Now I'm completely free of all that stuff.

I did need to be the one who instigated the change to the relationships though. Starting off with small contact, aksing questions and showing an interest in them. I was amazed how quickly they reciprocated. I delivered my first sermon a few months ago, and felt so blessed that my brother (a non-believer who is not comfortable in church) made the hour drive early Sunday morning to ensure he was there in time, despite having his own problems going on right then.

I can't promise that it will be the same between you and your sister, but I can say that working the steps would, I firmly believe, allow you to be free of those resentments.

BB

Eaglelizard

Call me antisocial, but the "unfriending" idea sounds pretty good to me. Good fences make good neighbors.

Bunny211

It has been my experience that a LOT of alcoholics have underlying trauma, mental illness, depression & anxiety disorders. I don't think anyone becomes a drunk because they have a happy, fulfilled life. My 2 cents.

AAPJ

You have a great life. The glass is way more than half full. Sorry about the situation with your sister. I wish you peace and serenity.

teatreeoil007

I'm sorry about your sis. That really bites. You have no control over it, which further bites. So, what to do?

Resentment is a huge part of many addictions and abusing substances. People often drink and use because of being hurt by the ones who should love them the most: Their very own family.

You're not alone in this. Many things are a breeding ground for resentment, and...... Resentment is a huge breeding ground for all sorts of unhealthy things including the various addictions be it gambling, food, overspending, drugs, alcohol. My mother in law still resents her husband for things from way back. She's always resented him for something he had no control over. She's gone from one addiction to the other. Part of it too is childhood issues that never got resolved. More resentment. We can see these things as plain as day....and she even told me once she resents her husband...but she's never done anything to rid herself of the resentment!

I believe that if we really want to we can let go of resentment.

Stayingsassy

Tea tree is right. Resentment breeds addiction. Someone reminded me of this in my first week and it was helpful...because it’s true.

scaredikklegoth

Unfortunately, some people are just toxic and while it's best for you to just let go of them and not resent them for their behaviour, it can be difficult. It seems to me though that taking a deep breath and removing your sister from your life will be the healthiest thing for you to do. It's sad and it sucks but you are not responsible for her issues with you. Family may be blood but that doesn't always mean that they should remain in your life forever, especially when their toxicity is causing you to feel so sad.

I wish you all the best with it.

Mac4711

Finding,
For what it’s worth, I have found Ekkehard Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’ extremely enlightening. ‘Dissolution of the ego’ sounds very esoteric at first, but it helps you find a way to get rid of resentment or what he calls resistance.

Berrybean

Just read this on Earl Hightowers FB page...

'Today is my birthday.
Many years ago, on this day, I lost my family in a tragic accident. That day, that event, was to rule me for many years. I drowned out the pain to the best of my ability. This “answer” to my problem almost cost me my life; again. I found myself lost in a world with no idea how to stop the inner torment or find any peace.
Then, I found a group of everyday people who had what they called a design for living. All they wanted from me was to walk beside them. To simply do as they did. To discover a life that existed outside of my current scope of understanding. To take a leap of faith. Something in their eyes convinced me to take their hand.
It has now been 37 years. I’ve never looked back. There has never been a reason to. Their code of love and tolerance toward others remains the doorway to the peace I always wanted and have now enjoyed for a very long time.
Thank you. Yours has been a gift I can never fully repay.
Love,
E'

Earl was in a tragic plane crash and lay waiting to die, watching his family die for a long time. He thought he was going to be saved at one point as some people came along - but no, they just took his wallet from his pocket and went off. To make matters worse his family were only on that plane for his sake. BUT ... he chose to look for a different answer to his pain. Perhaps one day you could as well?

BB x