Ilovepi

Hi all! I'm 32 years old and currently trying to stop drinking.
This post is kind of long so feel free to skip to the bottom for summary.

This will be my third relapse in the last couple of years. I've been a weekend warrior but about four years ago I started drinking after a really bad break-up and over all, very rough year at that. I just never stopped once I pick up that damn bottle. It was like a switch to turned on in my brain.

I went to rehab about a year and a half ago and drank is soon as I came home. Then my brother-in-law died of cirrhosis/alcoholism and he was only 36 years old. He left behind a wonderful family. I consider him one of my best friends. I got sober the day before his funeral and white knuckled the withdrawal symptoms. I stayed sober for almost 10 months then effed up again a couple of months ago and picked up.

I've done other drugs in the past and had an eating disorder. I straightened out those things but this is different. I ended up going to the ER because of depression, PTSD, and alcoholism. I detoxed for a couple of days. Came home bought a box of Chardonnay and thought I could be OK because I wasn't drinking vodka. That was my go to and I thought certainly shirt and they would put me back on the wagon because it had such a low alcohol content compared to what I was drinking before--and for a female… I drank a lot!

I'm down to three glasses of Chardonnay a day as even after a week of heavy drinking, I am having mild withdrawal symptoms. I went to my physician and let them know what was happening the other day. I start intensive outpatient relapse prevention twice a week after work and then I'm going to go to AA meetings in between. I'm also taking vitamins, medicine for my depression, and I will start seeing a therapist in the next couple of days. I'm blessed to have the insurance for these things and I want to pull out all the stops this time.

Tldr: My house is a gross mess. I'm a gross mess. I look nothing like I used to before I started drinking. I've been calling in and have been on FMLA but I'm not even sure I'm gonna be coming back to a job on Monday. I'm broke. I don't even know where to start with putting my life back together.

For the first time in my life I'm very scared. Not about giving up alcohol. I'm scared I've lost everything because I didn't take it that serious before and I'm ashamed of that.

Thanks for the advice and I'm sorry about the super long post.

Anna

It sounds like you are taking action to stop drinking and to begin recovery. The fear/shame/guilt are a big part of alcoholism and its attempt to keep you hooked. You need to step back a bit and put those emotions aside and focus on staying sober. You can do this!

Stayingsassy

I agree with Anna. From your post what I am reading is that you are taking this very seriously. I know it’s hard but try not to focus on the mess of your life. It’s a consequence of drinking that clears with enough sober time.

Keep focused on sobriety and sober support. You’ll get there.

Ilovepi

I know everybody's different but is it normal to neglect your home and even personal care while when in active addiction or is that another issue. Most of my family members who struggled with addiction had significant others or family members that took care of that stuff. At this time I do not have that option. I guess I just have to take it one step at a time and start with the basics.

Anna

I found it very helpful to make lists. It helped me to not feel overwhelmed.

Each day, I would make sure I crossed a couple of things off the list, so I felt that I was moving forward.

You don't have to do everything all at once.

Ilovepi

Getting sober feels like another job. But I know after about a week of being sober the motivation to do other things will come much more easily. Sometimes I think the hardest part about detoxing and going through recovery is that hard-core anxiety you feel at the beginning.

Dave42001

Wishing you the best!! Man I’ve been there!!!

Staying sober to me is the most important job/ thing in my life!! I know if I stay away from king alcohol any thing is possible and all things are manageable.

Ilovepi

Thanks everyone. Tomorrow I feel physically confident to have my first sober date reset. Hitting a meeting then gonna try some healthy food. Fingers crossed the stomach issues cease tomorrow. I've done this before. If I can make it two weeks, I know my body and brain will get better as I only relapsed for a week so. Hoping to get this poison out of my body by Monday.

NYCDoglvr

Are you going to daily meetings? Have a sponsor?

Ilovepi

I don't have a sponsor right now. I'm going to an AA meeting tomorrow. The last day or two have been rough especially today physically. Then after work in the evening I'm going an intensive outpatient treatment program for 6 hours a week. I'm really nervous about going back to AA considering I've only lasted a few weeks when I went . I feel more comfortable at the meetings that have people over 50. I'm 32. Hopefully I can go to them. So IOP twice a week. AA at least five days a week.

Dave42001

Never feel bad about going back to A.A.. just the opposite! Sounds like a great plan. I know a lot of people that had great things to say about IOP!!! Get as much out of it as you can.. it’s expensive!! Good luck!!

Dee74

Welcome back ilovepi

D

least

Glad you're back, working on your recovery. Stay sober, it gets better.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Ilovepi. Sounds like you are getting off to a good start and have a good plan with the meetings and IOP. And you are definitely right that you need to take small steps. You'll be surprised how quickly they all add up though, hope you can stick around and join us for some conversation and extra support if you need it.

anxiousrock

I agree, don’t feel bad about going to back to AA. They’ll welcome you with open arms. Everyone there has felt what you are feeling at some point.
I did the same last week after about a month off and was welcomed with hugs.