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Day 9 . . . The Good, the bad, and the ugly

Old 11-03-2017, 01:42 PM
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Day 9 . . . The Good, the bad, and the ugly

Catchy title eh?

The Good: no drinking

��

The Bad: smoking
Wednesday night was really F'n stressful and I broke down and had a smoke(s). And maybe have smoked yesterday and today but it wasn't my fault... my best Alfred E. Newman / Bart Simpson closest to an admission of guilt without completely fessing up. That kind of admission seems to be popular lately. Argh, ok I screwed up on the smokes, but I'm back on the smoke wagon again. The not drinking is going steady.

Smoking definitely is like taking a good mood, or even a neutral mood and then adding a grey dirty Linus blanket on top of it. Take the theme from Mary Tyler Moore and reverse the order of the lyrics ... is what smoking does. Who can take a sunshine day and suddenly make it seem not worth while? Cigarettes that's who.

The Ugly: Exercise
Not smoking everyday I felt the 116 stair challenge go easier and easier within days, today the heart was pounding harder, I was going slower, and the albatross of bad thoughts of a surprise heart attack were circling . . Uh, like an albatross. Crap there goes my Mark Twain award for metaphors.

Once again I've come face to face with the need for a regular daily routine that involves eating breakfast of some kind right away, and improving my diet through the day. And of course more water.

I was depressed like Gillian with the flu, then I went to the driving range and was hitting them fan-Tuh-tuh-Tastic , met a new retired guy and had a good chat, now I'm better and resolved to get back on the Jack Lalaine program. Next week I'm going to be pulling some train boxcars with my teeth. i tell you being alone and hitting the driver well not having anyone to witness the royal smashing is "almost depressing" , like catching the big fish that got away. But thankfully I met the new guy and we took turns swapping drivers and whacking away. I got a nice compliment and I gave him one as well. We emptied our buckets and went home happy.

Food, water, exercise, social, sleep... and repeat.

My golf goal is get the ball to land consistently at 275, right now it's 230-260 - inconsistent, yeah it rolls pretty far but it's the carry distance that's key. Maybe before I die I can hit it 300 - carry distance?... I also think having a goal like this is good for my sobriety and mental health, it's a touchstone to the good days, plus it's a good feeling. Yeah I talk too much... over n out.

___MY AV ___ ME____
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Old 11-03-2017, 01:47 PM
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The good sounds very good Bob, glad you are finding ways to deal with all of these things. It's the toughest part of getting started I think.
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Old 11-03-2017, 01:52 PM
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I'm liking the Good, Bob! The Bad and the Ugly, not so much.....but you're dealing with them, great news.

Goals are great, I use them. When I achieve them, I set a new goal, no matter how small, it's incremental steps.
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Old 11-03-2017, 11:09 PM
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You'll get there, Bob; kick both habits. And today is one day more. And tonight, another day gone; another day sober and smoke free. And tomorrow another feel-better morning. Today is my 27th day, but luckily I have dealt with the smoking some 15 years back - (15 years smoke-free, since 1st October 2002).
Good luck, Bob, and have a great (clean) weekend.
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Old 11-04-2017, 01:50 AM
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Keep it going, Bob. I would say that the smokes are the least of your worries at the moment. I hope your golf improves, too, which it will be given that you will be sober and focused. Good luck mate and keep posting.
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Old 11-05-2017, 05:10 PM
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still going, not rocket science, not really newsworthy.

grey grey dark grey day today, i could have walked in the rain but stayed indoors, that was a fail but otherwise a sleepy day.

I'm not a fan of these shorter darker days . sober means i just go to bed early.

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Old 11-06-2017, 03:37 AM
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Keep going - being completely sober allows all that other stuff (for me, it's hot yoga 6x a week for an hour to an hour and a half, and running 5Ks every month, just for that exercise part you mention) to happen, and improve, and become consistently enjoyable.
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Old 11-06-2017, 06:53 PM
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Almost 2 weeks

Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Keep going - being completely sober allows all that other stuff (for me, it's hot yoga 6x a week for an hour to an hour and a half, and running 5Ks every month, just for that exercise part you mention) to happen, and improve, and become consistently enjoyable.
Thanks August, Hot Yoga OMG. . . I did Hot Yoga in 2003 when i had the hots for a co-worker LOL. now I'm over 50 and Hot Yoga would kill me I'm so far out of shape. but it was only a few years ago that i was jogging 10km per day, but once my dad passed and my family imploded and i lost my work and girlfriend all at once , I was 4 years sober and would try to jog or exercise and a cloud would just descend on me and all i could do was walk and look straight down at the ground, then get my ass back home to the couch. Then it was about a year later when the sober train ended...
I'm feeling a lot better lately which helps me get sober and exercise more regularly, I'm mainly just walking to my FitBit for maybe 4 or 5 miles per day, etc... maybe soon will get back to the old jog walk scenario.
Lots of work problems, lack of work problems, that may create another huge problem but, one day at a time for now. i;ve trained and retrained ad infinitem , but many people my age are all having the same problems, still doesn't make it any better.

Every day is a bit easier to not drink, less screaming AV, less AV scheming "psssst hey buddy, lets go to the beer store after this walk so we can celebrate exercise mkay?"

Abusive childhood, narccissitic parents, moved around a lot, i was the scapegoat of the family and a small kid with thick glasses always the new kid at school so lots of fights but that made me a bit of a scrapper and a smart ass, bitter and jaded at a young age. if it was legal i would have been drinking scotch and smoking cigars at age 10. But thankfully i didn't start until age 14. but that's a different story.

sleeping and eating and walking repeat ... sleeping and eating and walking repeat ....
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Old 11-07-2017, 10:36 AM
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Congrats on your nearly 2 weeks Bob.
Great posts by the way, most amusing
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Old 11-07-2017, 02:11 PM
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Holy Crap Batman

@Culture, i enjoy being a bit of a smart-ass when i write but it looks like you are the one one that has noticed my black humour. Or maybe it's the past quit drinking forum where people had diaries instead of posting new threads all the time, the sky is falling, pigs are flying, there is ice in hell. If i just had a diary name yeah i would just all it something after a spaghetti western Clint Eastwood movie. I'm more of a Tucco than a Blondie.

Well i guess I've graduated to adulthood finally, got a colonoscopy coming up jezzz louise, wtf ?

I had better be careful and make sure the appt is with a Doctor and not just a dude named Colin who owns a Halloween mask and handcuffs. Skipped a couple of years of the early screening technique, not a fan of the home scoop deal so now i have to pay the price of the grim rectal reaper.

I hear that colon cancer is 100 percent avoidable? booze is the #1 factor? yes? Regardless, there are other little buddies in there that doctors look for so i guess hopefully all goes well and i can put it out of my mind and just keep on keeping on the road to Avonlea.

If all goes well then i will be thankful that i lasted this long without having one, if not i will kick my own ass in the butt for not doing it sooner.

Still on the program, tomorrow is 2 weeks . . . take care sober folks.
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Old 11-08-2017, 12:24 PM
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Bob, hope the result of your test is nothing to worry about.
Yeah, I do find myself drawn to black humour, you have to be able to laugh about yourself I think.
You seem to have a talent with the written word Bob, maybe you should see if you can do something with it, I know you were saying about work or lack of it, a new career path?
Two years ago, I left my job in finance and started up as an artist it's going really well and I wish I'd done it sooner and I'm in my early 50's similar age I think, to you.
My son reckons I'm going through a mid-life crisis and I do think there might be something in that as I've quit my job, moved home, given up drinking , all in the last year. Although I still can't seem to quit smoking!! and I have a mean ice-cream habit now as well (thank you sobriety).
Well done in advance, on your 2 weeks.
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Old 11-08-2017, 01:12 PM
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Bob, Culture,
I totally agree with you guys: our common interest provides ample opportunity for doom and gloom, so there’s certainly a need for black humor every so often. Like daily, lol!
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Old 11-08-2017, 04:43 PM
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2 weeks and a Colonoscopy

Originally Posted by Mac4711 View Post
Bob, Culture,
I totally agree with you guys: our common interest provides ample opportunity for doom and gloom, so there’s certainly a need for black humor every so often. Like daily, lol!
Mac4711, I agree with you , life is a messy business sometimes, and death is without meaning. At age 50 we are looking down the barrel of that shotgun with some experiences of loosing good friends, parents, family members - wondering what just happened? maybe black humour is dwelling a bit too long on acknowledging the adult version of the fart joke.

Originally Posted by Culture View Post
Bob, hope the result of your test is nothing to worry about.
Yeah, I do find myself drawn to black humour, you have to be able to laugh about yourself I think.
You seem to have a talent with the written word Bob, maybe you should see if you can do something with it, I know you were saying about work or lack of it, a new career path?
Two years ago, I left my job in finance and started up as an artist it's going really well and I wish I'd done it sooner and I'm in my early 50's similar age I think, to you.
My son reckons I'm going through a mid-life crisis and I do think there might be something in that as I've quit my job, moved home, given up drinking , all in the last year. Although I still can't seem to quit smoking!! and I have a mean ice-cream habit now as well (thank you sobriety).
Well done in advance, on your 2 weeks.
Thanks culture, others have said that too but, I'm not sure how to do it, i am a bit of a bitter burnt out TV editor, I LOVE podcasts that are well written, performed, produced, stories and story telling, yeah i would really enjoy that but, I haven't figured out how to make regular money now that my past 'creative arts' career is over. Unemployed produers i know who used to make bank ($3000 - $10000 per week freelance), are now almost bankrupt, no decent work in 5 years, and producing / scriptwriting was their only gig. Thankfully I have some construction skills, piano teaching, repair tech, installer . . . and bullship artist sales abilities. the past bunch of years I have been leaning towards just plain old straight up blue collar work. 25 years of making video has been a blast and good freelance wages but it's always been a rollercoaster with no predictabilitiy from year to year what kind of income is there. 12 years ago i stopped drinking to get serious about my career and focus and LOL nobody noticed, it didn't solve the roller coaster, but i did get in decent physical shape, getting sober helped my sense of humour and enjoyment of life, and getting sober helped me to get out and explore the world and my personal interests much more. ... and more comfortably.

I had the funniest thought today about the colonoscopy, you know that movie Total Recall with Arnold Swartzenegger where he's about to have a procedure that triggers a past life experience? He ends up fighting his enemies, discovering his memory has been erased, and travelling to Mars where 2 women battle to the death over him and he saves the planet. Could such a simple procedure trigger a similar event in me? the answer is it didn't but it did make me laugh to think about throwing wild semi-consious punches at the blue smok wearing techs while my bare ass hangs out of an open back garment while screaming 'i need to get back to Mars. . .'

I tell you my AV was scheming after the procedure was over, not eating for 24 hours will do that.
" psssssst hey, did you hear that buddy? the doc says all went well, he says see you in 10 years for your next check up... now we can go home and drink beer, we just got the green light for more drinking and smoking !"
thankfully a friend was required to pick up my sedated ass and drive me home, and my AV wanted her to leave so it could execute his plan of drinking and smoking, but she stayed and watched a movie while i drifted in and out of sleep all afternoon.

I'm just thinking now what kind of splitting headache i would have if i had had a few beers instead of chilling? Beers and smokes after 2 days of laxatives, fasting, laxatives, laxatives, and sedation, yeah that would be drooling on the floor doggy style praying to every deity that may be able to hear me, respond to me, and snap their god like phalanges and make it go away kinda afternoon drunk.

i got through today safely, i will get my head to the pillow without drinking any booze.

sleep eat exercise not drink repeat...

sleep eat exercise not drink repeat...

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Old 11-09-2017, 11:35 AM
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Just getting a mental picture of you Bob, with your ass hanging out of your smock!
But seriously, good job on not drinking !!
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Old 11-09-2017, 11:49 AM
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Sounding more good in here Bob, than the bad and the ugly....

Glad the colonoscopy is behind you (whoops, unintended pun) and I'm glad the result was OK. Your AV is as opportunistic as mine was!
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Old 11-09-2017, 06:03 PM
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zero accomplished again

Thanks for the chuckles, i had a few more jokes earlier today but i just forgot them in my current state of sleepiness.

The good,

I didn't drink today, walked in the park, but i accomplished zero in the find a job task.

The bad,

I've never actually had a regular 9 to 5 kinda job , always freelance and self employed which in the past 35 years has never been much of a problem from sound engineering to video production to occasionally painting, framing, reno-ing homes and lately it looks like that includes security system installation . . . but nothing lately no calls, crickets. that past was great i would just get calls out of the blue.
maybe in the future money will just fall from the clouds and i won't have to worry ever again... yeah.


the ugly

the world has changed not just for me but my friends the same age as me, we are all in the same boat. one day you are at the top of your game doing high level jobs the next day you have been replaced by a kid who barely makes minimum wage who puts up with abuse and jumps thru hoops. and it looks like i can't get a job at Tim Hortons serving coffee. that is actually confirmed, LOL.

i am tired . nap time back laterz,
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Old 11-11-2017, 03:22 AM
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Hey Bob.
I know what you mean about jobs and the older workforce. I used to earn a decent living in finance but I'd got to the point where I hated what I had to do to get it. I especially hated the people coming in who had no experience but were so full of themselves, coming out with all the corporate c**p, I used to kick off in the weekly meetings just to stir it up and make my working day less boring! I obviously upset them as they offered me a package if I would quit and make room for another walking, talking idiot.
Have to say I don't regret it yet, I might if I have to get another job at a company if what I'm doing don't pay the bills.
Out of interest, I have had a look online on job websites but I can't take the bulls***t speak, you even get it for a minimum wage job with no responsibilities and earning peanuts and I ain't that desperate or poor enough yet. My son, who's a student, applied for a part-time job , bottom of the heap kinda stuff and they wanted him to prepare a ten minute speech on his strengths , weakness's and any talents! Talk about having to sing for your supper! he did say he would take his guitar in and serenade them, of course they didn't like that and suffice to say, he didn't get it.
Hope your having a better day today.
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Old 11-11-2017, 02:57 PM
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Day 17, get your motors running, get out on the highway . . .

Originally Posted by Culture View Post
Hey Bob.
I know what you mean about jobs and the older workforce. I used to earn a decent living in finance but I'd got to the point where I hated what I had to do to get it. I especially hated the people coming in who had no experience but were so full of themselves, coming out with all the corporate c**p, I used to kick off in the weekly meetings just to stir it up and make my working day less boring! I obviously upset them as they offered me a package if I would quit and make room for another walking, talking idiot.
Have to say I don't regret it yet, I might if I have to get another job at a company if what I'm doing don't pay the bills.
Out of interest, I have had a look online on job websites but I can't take the bulls***t speak, you even get it for a minimum wage job with no responsibilities and earning peanuts and I ain't that desperate or poor enough yet. My son, who's a student, applied for a part-time job , bottom of the heap kinda stuff and they wanted him to prepare a ten minute speech on his strengths , weakness's and any talents! Talk about having to sing for your supper! he did say he would take his guitar in and serenade them, of course they didn't like that and suffice to say, he didn't get it.
Hope your having a better day today.
Thanks Culture,

I used to freelance for the biggest retailer in the country, and the biggest auto maker here in NA. and both have pretty much gone teatz up but not before the owner of the multimillion dollar retail company drained the pension fund of 4.3 billion dollars. You see, he bought the company 15 years ago for 275 million but his real prize was the pension fund. Nobody here was smart enough to know what his game was until it was too late. People who have worked there for 30 years have no pension now. plug pulled , go out and look for work now all you geezers - ( and as a freelancer neither do i but i never expected it to end because i was sober, professional, dedicated etc... )

I have some joy in gravedancing, executives that stiffed me, didn't pay me in full are now without a pension. bittershweeeet. sad trombones for those Ba$tards. not so nice for the thousands of regular folks though.

Anywho similar story to your finance story...
at the park a few years ago i bumped into a bank executive who told me that was his job at the ReallyBigBankCorp, to rip people off out of their pensions, to find ways to defund and steal from pension funds. ... he said he quit, it felt too crappy.

2013 i took a ton of classes at school, for a new career, dad died, i got depressed the wheels fell off the train, gave up on that track . . . then took some web dev classes, took some iOS programming classes, took other classes last year as well. . . . ugg

two years ago i decided i needed a vacation from all my hard work not paying off, I was sober and nothing was working, i was getting no positive feedback ( work ) from years of retraining etc..

Now i'm just tired of not only spinning my tires I'm tired of being depressed and feeling hopeless, broke, apathetic, and not engaged in life, relationships, personal growth.

bad day today for being tired and grumpy, good day for not drinking.

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Old 11-12-2017, 05:36 AM
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You've got a lot going on Bob, but sobriety is only going to help things long term.
The workforce thing is a tough issue, but it won't get better with drinking, as you know.

Hang in there. How about a walk in Nature or something just to give you some
peace, beauty and time to reflect a bit today?

Hopefully you're not hobbling
Love your sense of humor and I agree with others, you're a fine writer--
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Old 11-12-2017, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
You've got a lot going on Bob, but sobriety is only going to help things long term.
The workforce thing is a tough issue, but it won't get better with drinking, as you know.

Hang in there. How about a walk in Nature or something just to give you some
peace, beauty and time to reflect a bit today?
Thanks Hawkeye13.

along with not having a decent income my narcissitic dysfunctional controlling mother has been helping me with rent, which is nice but it means i have to maintain contact with her and the sociopath eldest sister who wants to inherit/steal/extort/emotionally abuse my mother to get it all. Mom says that this sibling is her best friend, and no amount of explaining by me or my other siblings will change her mind that sibling #1 is a sociopath playing a long term game... the other siblings have legally told my mom to never talk to them again. ( or contact her grandchildren 6 of them who actually live near by ) my other 2 siblings - they just cannot have that insanity / disrespect / manipultaion in their lives... and ..... i was in that boat but 2 years ago - i didn't talk to her for 2 years after my father passed away, she was just so mean, hurtful, and brutal.... but, i ran out of money and had to ask for help, and i couldn't do that sober, i had to swallow my pride to call - i had lived up to being a failure in her mind, and here i was in my 50s asking for help. As a kid my mom had made me the family scapegoat, i think she is also a man hating gender basher, but she would use my fathers explosive rage as a random threat to have me do anything in line with her daily mood changes, failing to read her mind, and changing parenting styles... she also openly admits that her parenting style was to pit all the kids against each other... but she is not quite sure if she regrets it now, LIKE WTF ???

regardless here i am now stuck in this mess because my good income is gone and I've not been able to find anything decent or regular. And now she is wanting to help in a more meaningful way but as you believe it's a complete cluster FK of having me somehow be intertwined financially with sociopath sister #1 and her criminal kids.

basically she says it's help for me but it's actually not, it's for the sister #1 and her sociopath kids, with a temporary benefit to me.

If i try to explain to her my feelings and anger at this 'not a gift' she just threatens to Julius Ceaser me. somehow i have to out-Julius Ceaser my psycho-skitzoid mother. Stay tuned because i believe i can....

sit back kids, grab your popcorn, LOL.

i really gotta write down my recovery plan... i do have the basics in my head, eat, exercise, nature, look for work, and come here to post for support and another site... my mother and sociopath sister are FORMIDABLE opponents that you do not want as an enemy...

the definition of a villian is someone who knows that harm is being done and they sit back and do nothing, and or contibute to the harm actively or passively. My dad was the explosive confrontation overt Narccissist and my mom is a conniving narccissist - yeah this is real terminology look it up.

also on you tube you can find a video about how to control a narccisssist... which is word for word what my eldest sister is doing... sucking up, nothing but compliments, zero descention, while throwing in paranoid comments about other family members and the outside world are out to get my mom, steal from her, and her only friend and protector is of course herself, sibling #1...

classic elder abuse scenario... but you know what ? there is no law against it.. and if i wanted to prove anything it would cost $$$$ big plus getting into the MUCK and living everyday in this insanity.

so...

i just have to try to stay away and stay out of the family of origin bullcrappolla... somehow get my life back on track, income wise, health wise, find some meaning in my own life again.

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