relapse-y thinking
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relapse-y thinking
Lots of thinking about alcohol. It could be related to my sugar binging...sometimes all the sugar fires up my alcohol thing. Anyway: i take a look at instagram and its chock full of happy faces drinking moderately and they **** me off, like "how come I'm face down in the dirt instead of laughing and smiling when I drink..."
Then this product keeps popping up on my feed, "thrive," have you heard of it? So I sent the link to my husband and said "why didn't i have this when I drank," it claims to get rid of the anxiety and hangover the next day if taken right after the last drink, somehow reactivates gaba and also replaces a bunch of vitamins. So he says he wants to order it so he can take more days off drinking without the anxiety, and I said "buy extra so I can have an epic relapse," and he said "do you want me to" and I said "of course not, that isn't the reason I quit, I am a hangover champion."
This is a sucky, sucky time in the quit for me. I went to outpatient rehab the last time I made a serious attempt. I finished in 7 weeks instead of 8 because the costs were so high and it was draining our HSA. I came home and drank. just like that. 30-60 days: hot button relapse time. I think I only made it over 3 months twice in the last decade, usually, this is the time I go back.
So I went to AA a couple times this week and my attitude seems to have changed. Now its not helpful that the last two times I went were full of meth addicts...which was weird, why when I really need to go am I not hearing from drinkers in the meetings? There aren't that many closed meetings. So then I feel like I wasted my time. And I was resentful of the meeting. Because my daughter wanted to carve pumpkins with me, but I left her because I was craving, but I guess I left her to go listen to homeless meth addicts. So she didn't get the carving done. That upset me and I haven't been back.
And I like this website, but its not what the last one was...more immersive, more hands on...and I feel like even if it was, I'd still feel this way.
I'm just going to feel this way, until I'm not feeling this way any more. I'm working hard to remember where I was. Then I realize I am reviewing step one again. I'm remembering my total lack of control over the outcome, after my first drink.
We have a friend...alpha male rich business owner, we've known him forever, always a drinker, but lately I have noticed at each social gathering...he is losing control. A year or two back, he'd be fine at these things, but now even when its a more reserved event rather than a casual event, he is slipping past his grip. I can see it. I mentioned it to my husband last night. That I think this friend has crossed over to my "camp." We talked about it a bit and it was interesting.
So anyway...I need a nice, normal, kind, regular person to be my sponsor. I haven't found anyone that's just seems like a nice normal person in the meetings yet, that isn't already taken as a sponsor. Maybe I'm going to the wrong meetings. I guess i need to widen my net, harden my stance, get back in the trenches and start mentally fighting again. I've been relaxing. I've been trying to just enjoy my life. I guess it doesn't work that way.
Then this product keeps popping up on my feed, "thrive," have you heard of it? So I sent the link to my husband and said "why didn't i have this when I drank," it claims to get rid of the anxiety and hangover the next day if taken right after the last drink, somehow reactivates gaba and also replaces a bunch of vitamins. So he says he wants to order it so he can take more days off drinking without the anxiety, and I said "buy extra so I can have an epic relapse," and he said "do you want me to" and I said "of course not, that isn't the reason I quit, I am a hangover champion."
This is a sucky, sucky time in the quit for me. I went to outpatient rehab the last time I made a serious attempt. I finished in 7 weeks instead of 8 because the costs were so high and it was draining our HSA. I came home and drank. just like that. 30-60 days: hot button relapse time. I think I only made it over 3 months twice in the last decade, usually, this is the time I go back.
So I went to AA a couple times this week and my attitude seems to have changed. Now its not helpful that the last two times I went were full of meth addicts...which was weird, why when I really need to go am I not hearing from drinkers in the meetings? There aren't that many closed meetings. So then I feel like I wasted my time. And I was resentful of the meeting. Because my daughter wanted to carve pumpkins with me, but I left her because I was craving, but I guess I left her to go listen to homeless meth addicts. So she didn't get the carving done. That upset me and I haven't been back.
And I like this website, but its not what the last one was...more immersive, more hands on...and I feel like even if it was, I'd still feel this way.
I'm just going to feel this way, until I'm not feeling this way any more. I'm working hard to remember where I was. Then I realize I am reviewing step one again. I'm remembering my total lack of control over the outcome, after my first drink.
We have a friend...alpha male rich business owner, we've known him forever, always a drinker, but lately I have noticed at each social gathering...he is losing control. A year or two back, he'd be fine at these things, but now even when its a more reserved event rather than a casual event, he is slipping past his grip. I can see it. I mentioned it to my husband last night. That I think this friend has crossed over to my "camp." We talked about it a bit and it was interesting.
So anyway...I need a nice, normal, kind, regular person to be my sponsor. I haven't found anyone that's just seems like a nice normal person in the meetings yet, that isn't already taken as a sponsor. Maybe I'm going to the wrong meetings. I guess i need to widen my net, harden my stance, get back in the trenches and start mentally fighting again. I've been relaxing. I've been trying to just enjoy my life. I guess it doesn't work that way.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Sassy.
The hardest thing for me was and is to sit with uncomfortable feelings that, in my past life, I would have drunk over.
My mom is old and frail.
Could be a lot worse, but I worry about her.
My alcohol addicted sib enrages me, which wrecks my serenity.
My son and family live several states away, and I miss them.
But...I don’t want to get blue about this. Things are what they are.
So I search for peace and understanding and come to realize that we are all exactly where we are meant to be.
I know that sounds kinda woo woo and glib, but it’s what I believe.
I try to enjoy the little things: a funny interaction in the supermarket, someone holding a door for me, my sweet cats and awesome spouse.
I always feel better after a while.
I swim for exercise, walk, practice yoga.
All of this takes me out of my head, which is at times a dark and dank place to be.
Good luck. Everything passes, the good, and the bad.
The hardest thing for me was and is to sit with uncomfortable feelings that, in my past life, I would have drunk over.
My mom is old and frail.
Could be a lot worse, but I worry about her.
My alcohol addicted sib enrages me, which wrecks my serenity.
My son and family live several states away, and I miss them.
But...I don’t want to get blue about this. Things are what they are.
So I search for peace and understanding and come to realize that we are all exactly where we are meant to be.
I know that sounds kinda woo woo and glib, but it’s what I believe.
I try to enjoy the little things: a funny interaction in the supermarket, someone holding a door for me, my sweet cats and awesome spouse.
I always feel better after a while.
I swim for exercise, walk, practice yoga.
All of this takes me out of my head, which is at times a dark and dank place to be.
Good luck. Everything passes, the good, and the bad.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy 
So anyway...I need a nice, normal, kind, regular person to be my sponsor. I haven't found anyone that's just seems like a nice normal person in the meetings yet, that isn't already taken as a sponsor. Maybe I'm going to the wrong meetings. I guess i need to widen my net, harden my stance, get back in the trenches and start mentally fighting again. I've been relaxing. I've been trying to just enjoy my life. I guess it doesn't work that way.
it reads like,with this,"Maybe I'm going to the wrong meetings," that ya have a good variety of meetings to go to. i suggest hitting different ones. if ya hear what sounds like good recovery, ask if they know of meetings with good revoery you could attend.
just my opinion, but a sponsor that has worked the steps, understands the program, and practices the principles in their daily life would be a better sponsor then a normal, kind, regular person.
hope youre not tryin to find the easiest,softest way.
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Definitely lots of AV/addictive type thinking there Sassy. Lots of good advice from Maud, i would add a few
1. Stay off social media as much as you can. While there are certainly legitimate uses, a lot of the stuff out there is not productive or helpful, and some of it is downright hurtful. And that's before you even consider sobriety. The biggest problem with social media IMHO, especially for those in recovery, is that it encourages one to "compare" themselves to others. And that's exactly what you don't need to be doing in sobriety.
2. Start working on those resentments - when they are stopping you from attaining help, its a big red flag. The only people resentment hurts is the people that have them. Its the "biting off your nose to spite your face" analogy in real life.
3. Think about how you define "enjoying" life. There is certainly nothing that say you cannot enjoy life, but life is certainly not easy. And there are definitely things we have to face that are not enjoyable at all. The addict inside each of us craves instant gratification of course - that's why we drank/smoked/snorted away all those years because it did give us that initial rush. Learning how to face life is probably the most difficult part of getting sober IMHO.
1. Stay off social media as much as you can. While there are certainly legitimate uses, a lot of the stuff out there is not productive or helpful, and some of it is downright hurtful. And that's before you even consider sobriety. The biggest problem with social media IMHO, especially for those in recovery, is that it encourages one to "compare" themselves to others. And that's exactly what you don't need to be doing in sobriety.
2. Start working on those resentments - when they are stopping you from attaining help, its a big red flag. The only people resentment hurts is the people that have them. Its the "biting off your nose to spite your face" analogy in real life.
3. Think about how you define "enjoying" life. There is certainly nothing that say you cannot enjoy life, but life is certainly not easy. And there are definitely things we have to face that are not enjoyable at all. The addict inside each of us craves instant gratification of course - that's why we drank/smoked/snorted away all those years because it did give us that initial rush. Learning how to face life is probably the most difficult part of getting sober IMHO.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Definitely lots of AV/addictive type thinking there Sassy. Lots of good advice from Maud, i would add a few
1. Stay off social media as much as you can. While there are certainly legitimate uses, a lot of the stuff out there is not productive or helpful, and some of it is downright hurtful. And that's before you even consider sobriety. The biggest problem with social media IMHO, especially for those in recovery, is that it encourages one to "compare" themselves to others. And that's exactly what you don't need to be doing in sobriety.
2. Start working on those resentments - when they are stopping you from attaining help, its a big red flag. The only people resentment hurts is the people that have them. Its the "biting off your nose to spite your face" analogy in real life.
3. Think about how you define "enjoying" life. There is certainly nothing that say you cannot enjoy life, but life is certainly not easy. And there are definitely things we have to face that are not enjoyable at all. The addict inside each of us craves instant gratification of course - that's why we drank/smoked/snorted away all those years because it did give us that initial rush. Learning how to face life is probably the most difficult part of getting sober IMHO.
1. Stay off social media as much as you can. While there are certainly legitimate uses, a lot of the stuff out there is not productive or helpful, and some of it is downright hurtful. And that's before you even consider sobriety. The biggest problem with social media IMHO, especially for those in recovery, is that it encourages one to "compare" themselves to others. And that's exactly what you don't need to be doing in sobriety.
2. Start working on those resentments - when they are stopping you from attaining help, its a big red flag. The only people resentment hurts is the people that have them. Its the "biting off your nose to spite your face" analogy in real life.
3. Think about how you define "enjoying" life. There is certainly nothing that say you cannot enjoy life, but life is certainly not easy. And there are definitely things we have to face that are not enjoyable at all. The addict inside each of us craves instant gratification of course - that's why we drank/smoked/snorted away all those years because it did give us that initial rush. Learning how to face life is probably the most difficult part of getting sober IMHO.
Regarding #1: because it still seems like something that nobody does. Its this compartment of my life that is just an absolute outlier. That's not bad, its just weird and I'm still adjusting to this identity. I have to go outside the crowd. I've never minded doing that, its just this was the one thing that unified me everywhere...
Another thing thinking about alcohol in this way does...is normalize it. Normalizing drinking when I watch people drinking, and I have to almost mentally slap myself. "No, its dangerous for you! You have to remember!!" and I go, "oh, yeah, that's right! It is dangerous, I remember now..."
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Totally get what you are saying about normalizing drinking.
When I get to thinking like that, which doesn’t happen much anymore, i tell myself that many people don’t drink, that I choose not to drink, that I will not return to the chaos my drinking caused my family.
Peace.
When I get to thinking like that, which doesn’t happen much anymore, i tell myself that many people don’t drink, that I choose not to drink, that I will not return to the chaos my drinking caused my family.
Peace.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Hi sassy, wayne here.
I can't advise you on AA. I don't attend meetings. And no I'm not a dry drunk. I've made amends with people and I help others stay sober here.
I think your romanticizing alcohol again and that's normal at your stage of sobriety. But it is dangerous. Very dangerous. If you slip again there are no guarantees you can quit again. Think about it. The consequences of alcoholism is total abyss then death. If at any point in your sobriety you think you can drink again and quit later then your fooling yourself. It's the alcoholism telling you this. And it's a fatal decision. If your an alcoholic then you can NEVER drink again. Period. End of story. It's over. It's acceptance.
You haven't been sober for more than 3 months. And that's ok. Your trying and that is all that matters. But let me tell you something, if you can go without drinking for 9 months then a miracle will happen. You will experience sobriety as a gift. Not a burden. Your mind will finally start to heal. You will enjoy life again. You won't dwell on alcohol hour by hour. You have to give it time.
I can't express the importance of time. You have to stay focused. Stay busy and don't drink. Meetings are fine, but AA is not for everyone. Don't beat yourself up over this. Just get it in your head that you can NEVER drink again and move on with life. If your sober right now sassy then you've been given a gift. Your lucky. Don't waste it. Sobriety is a gift. 10 percent of us make it. The others lead a horrible life and possibly death from this disease know as alcoholism. Think about it.
I can't advise you on AA. I don't attend meetings. And no I'm not a dry drunk. I've made amends with people and I help others stay sober here.
I think your romanticizing alcohol again and that's normal at your stage of sobriety. But it is dangerous. Very dangerous. If you slip again there are no guarantees you can quit again. Think about it. The consequences of alcoholism is total abyss then death. If at any point in your sobriety you think you can drink again and quit later then your fooling yourself. It's the alcoholism telling you this. And it's a fatal decision. If your an alcoholic then you can NEVER drink again. Period. End of story. It's over. It's acceptance.
You haven't been sober for more than 3 months. And that's ok. Your trying and that is all that matters. But let me tell you something, if you can go without drinking for 9 months then a miracle will happen. You will experience sobriety as a gift. Not a burden. Your mind will finally start to heal. You will enjoy life again. You won't dwell on alcohol hour by hour. You have to give it time.
I can't express the importance of time. You have to stay focused. Stay busy and don't drink. Meetings are fine, but AA is not for everyone. Don't beat yourself up over this. Just get it in your head that you can NEVER drink again and move on with life. If your sober right now sassy then you've been given a gift. Your lucky. Don't waste it. Sobriety is a gift. 10 percent of us make it. The others lead a horrible life and possibly death from this disease know as alcoholism. Think about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by waynetheking
Hi sassy, wayne here.
I can't advise you on AA. I don't attend meetings. And no I'm not a dry drunk. I've made amends with people and I help others stay sober here.
I think your romanticizing alcohol again and that's normal at your stage of sobriety. But it is dangerous. Very dangerous. If you slip again there are no guarantees you can quit again. Think about it. The consequences of alcoholism is total abyss then death. If at any point in your sobriety you think you can drink again and quit later then your fooling yourself. It's the alcoholism telling you this. And it's a fatal decision. If your an alcoholic then you can NEVER drink again. Period. End of story. It's over. It's acceptance.
You haven't been sober for more than 3 months. And that's ok. Your trying and that is all that matters. But let me tell you something, if you can go without drinking for 9 months then a miracle will happen. You will experience sobriety as a gift. Not a burden. Your mind will finally start to heal. You will enjoy life again. You won't dwell on alcohol hour by hour. You have to give it time.
I can't express the importance of time. You have to stay focused. Stay busy and don't drink. Meetings are fine, but AA is not for everyone. Don't beat yourself up over this. Just get it in your head that you can NEVER drink again and move on with life. If your sober right now sassy then you've been given a gift. Your lucky. Don't waste it. Sobriety is a gift. 10 percent of us make it. The others lead a horrible life and possibly death from this disease know as alcoholism. Think about it.
I can't advise you on AA. I don't attend meetings. And no I'm not a dry drunk. I've made amends with people and I help others stay sober here.
I think your romanticizing alcohol again and that's normal at your stage of sobriety. But it is dangerous. Very dangerous. If you slip again there are no guarantees you can quit again. Think about it. The consequences of alcoholism is total abyss then death. If at any point in your sobriety you think you can drink again and quit later then your fooling yourself. It's the alcoholism telling you this. And it's a fatal decision. If your an alcoholic then you can NEVER drink again. Period. End of story. It's over. It's acceptance.
You haven't been sober for more than 3 months. And that's ok. Your trying and that is all that matters. But let me tell you something, if you can go without drinking for 9 months then a miracle will happen. You will experience sobriety as a gift. Not a burden. Your mind will finally start to heal. You will enjoy life again. You won't dwell on alcohol hour by hour. You have to give it time.
I can't express the importance of time. You have to stay focused. Stay busy and don't drink. Meetings are fine, but AA is not for everyone. Don't beat yourself up over this. Just get it in your head that you can NEVER drink again and move on with life. If your sober right now sassy then you've been given a gift. Your lucky. Don't waste it. Sobriety is a gift. 10 percent of us make it. The others lead a horrible life and possibly death from this disease know as alcoholism. Think about it.
I plan to stay sober, also. I feel like I need to come clean when my head is going in a bad direction. I know enough about myself to know when the thoughts are beginning to have the wrong theme, when the thoughts are leading me astray, it sounds strange but i do have thoughts I don’t want to have, thoughts that don’t have my best interests in mind.
Keep thinking about my total lack of control, that is now a fact that I can’t work around, try to deny, try to cover up with pretty illusions, it just IS a fact that I am powerless over alcohol. I can’t control it, it controls me. I quit because I no longer wanted something controlling me anymore. I want my power back.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Sassy,
Sponsorship is not necessarily a one sponsee per sponsor thing. It depends on how many other things they have going on in their life. Alternatively, you could ask someone to be your temporary sponsor, and that person could also help you find an permanent sponsor.
Don't beat yourself up for going to a meeting when you needed one. There would be a whole lot worse than uncarved pumpkins going on if you picked up. In the meantime, keep doing whatever you need to stay away from that first drink.
Good luck,
Eddie
Sponsorship is not necessarily a one sponsee per sponsor thing. It depends on how many other things they have going on in their life. Alternatively, you could ask someone to be your temporary sponsor, and that person could also help you find an permanent sponsor.
Don't beat yourself up for going to a meeting when you needed one. There would be a whole lot worse than uncarved pumpkins going on if you picked up. In the meantime, keep doing whatever you need to stay away from that first drink.
Good luck,
Eddie
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
Hi Sassy
My inner addict spent a great deal of time tryign to seperate me from the hered and whuspering dweer discontent in my ear.
The bottom line is, fair or not, drinking the way I do will destroy me and those I love.
I'm not prepared to put myself or anyone else through that again..ever.
This a good list to read if you're feeling wobbly,. IMO
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
D
My inner addict spent a great deal of time tryign to seperate me from the hered and whuspering dweer discontent in my ear.
The bottom line is, fair or not, drinking the way I do will destroy me and those I love.
I'm not prepared to put myself or anyone else through that again..ever.
This a good list to read if you're feeling wobbly,. IMO
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
D
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
Don't beat yourself up for going to a meeting when you needed one. There would be a whole lot worse than uncarved pumpkins going on if you picked up. In the meantime, keep doing whatever you need to stay away from that first drink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Sassy
My inner addict spent a great deal of time tryign to seperate me from the hered and whuspering dweer discontent in my ear.
The bottom line is, fair or not, drinking the way I do will destroy me and those I love.
I'm not prepared to put myself or anyone else through that again..ever.
This a good list to read if you're feeling wobbly,. IMO
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
D
My inner addict spent a great deal of time tryign to seperate me from the hered and whuspering dweer discontent in my ear.
The bottom line is, fair or not, drinking the way I do will destroy me and those I love.
I'm not prepared to put myself or anyone else through that again..ever.
This a good list to read if you're feeling wobbly,. IMO
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
D
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 285
Stayingsassy, have you read A Naked Mind? It's a really easy read and really helped me change from someone who didn't want to be hungover to someone who loved to be sober and never wanted to be drunk. Drinking has absolutely nothing to offer me so what would I want with a hangover cure?
The book is available on Amazon and I highly recommend it.
The book is available on Amazon and I highly recommend it.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Lots of thinking about alcohol. It could be related to my sugar binging...sometimes all the sugar fires up my alcohol thing.
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
So I went to AA a couple times this week and my attitude seems to have changed.... I feel like I wasted my time. And I was resentful of the meeting.
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
And I like this website, but its not what the last one was...more immersive, more hands on...and I feel like even if it was, I'd still feel this way.
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I was on a quit drinking website that closed down. Some of the names here are familiar...think some of them drifted here. I went through a lot of relapses on that site.
I hadn’t really reached a dark enough bottom. Not like that’s necessary, it’s just what often seems to happen when addiction is concerned.
I hadn’t really reached a dark enough bottom. Not like that’s necessary, it’s just what often seems to happen when addiction is concerned.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
I was on a quit drinking website that closed down. Some of the names here are familiar...think some of them drifted here. I went through a lot of relapses on that site.
I hadn’t really reached a dark enough bottom. Not like that’s necessary, it’s just what often seems to happen when addiction is concerned.
I hadn’t really reached a dark enough bottom. Not like that’s necessary, it’s just what often seems to happen when addiction is concerned.
Did you join the Ryver Chat site?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Sassy,
When I read your posts, I feel such empathy and sisterhood. I, too, struggle with soul-crushing, mind-crushing, body-crushing PAWS. And I didn't see it coming-- thought when I finally quit I'd feel all better a few weeks in. I thought my biggest battle would be missing the alcohol, missing the numbness and silent mind that came with drinking myself out of commission every day.
Thanks to this site, I learned about PAWS, so I've been able to stay patient and wait it out, but, my god, it's hard.
It's better than being a drunk and knowing I'm out of control and feeling like self-destruction is the only option. Yes, it's better. No contest.
But this beginning-sobriety thing is so. freaking. hard.
I'm almost at five months, and I am assuming it'll be that much time, again, and maybe more, until I re-discover what I am supposed to feel like. Someone posted here that it was a month for every year he drank heavily. That would mean 12-15 months for me.
I'm with you, Sassy... we can do this, one crappy day at a time.
Hugs.
When I read your posts, I feel such empathy and sisterhood. I, too, struggle with soul-crushing, mind-crushing, body-crushing PAWS. And I didn't see it coming-- thought when I finally quit I'd feel all better a few weeks in. I thought my biggest battle would be missing the alcohol, missing the numbness and silent mind that came with drinking myself out of commission every day.
Thanks to this site, I learned about PAWS, so I've been able to stay patient and wait it out, but, my god, it's hard.
It's better than being a drunk and knowing I'm out of control and feeling like self-destruction is the only option. Yes, it's better. No contest.
But this beginning-sobriety thing is so. freaking. hard.
I'm almost at five months, and I am assuming it'll be that much time, again, and maybe more, until I re-discover what I am supposed to feel like. Someone posted here that it was a month for every year he drank heavily. That would mean 12-15 months for me.
I'm with you, Sassy... we can do this, one crappy day at a time.
Hugs.
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