Fallout from my last night of drinking
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Fallout from my last night of drinking
Husband went to Halloween party tonight which I avoided. There were people there that I texted the night I was in a blackout, several of them approached him and asked him if I wasn’t there because of that incident, and he flippantly told them “you know she hasn’t had a drink since that night,” and they were saying we want her to be our friend, we don’t care abou that night, and he’s standing there telling me “you should have gone it was super fun,” and I’m just thinking you really, really, really don’t get it.
So all the humiliation comes flooding back, I’m in tears and I can’t sleep. I asked him what kind of fun he possibly thinks I could have with people who saw me at my lowest low, everyone drinking themselves stupid and beer pong? So I can be reminded what a dumbass I was? Sounds like so much fun.
And you’re acting like I have quit drinking for life because of some texts? I’m fighting to reclaim my life and change it completely around. I’m trying to become sober, they don’t understand what a major life upheaval that is, I feel trivialized. It’s as if he has forgotten all his anger and fear, I’m “safe”now and it’s just some silly thing that happened.
I need to just pay attention to “my side of the street” but all I can think is how misunderstood I feel. I need to get back to AA I’ve let too much time lapse, I am tired of talking to people who have no clue what quitting alcohol is even like. Too bad it’s 1:15in the morning.
So all the humiliation comes flooding back, I’m in tears and I can’t sleep. I asked him what kind of fun he possibly thinks I could have with people who saw me at my lowest low, everyone drinking themselves stupid and beer pong? So I can be reminded what a dumbass I was? Sounds like so much fun.
And you’re acting like I have quit drinking for life because of some texts? I’m fighting to reclaim my life and change it completely around. I’m trying to become sober, they don’t understand what a major life upheaval that is, I feel trivialized. It’s as if he has forgotten all his anger and fear, I’m “safe”now and it’s just some silly thing that happened.
I need to just pay attention to “my side of the street” but all I can think is how misunderstood I feel. I need to get back to AA I’ve let too much time lapse, I am tired of talking to people who have no clue what quitting alcohol is even like. Too bad it’s 1:15in the morning.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
hey stayingsassy 
I just wanted to reassure you this is not the best it gets.
People will forget - especially if, in time, you present them with the real you.
I lived down some pretty horrendous things and drunken behaviour.
people move on...so we should really too?
D
I just wanted to reassure you this is not the best it gets.
People will forget - especially if, in time, you present them with the real you.
I lived down some pretty horrendous things and drunken behaviour.
people move on...so we should really too?
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Hi Stayingsassy, Don't reflect too much on your last drunk. It will fade with time and as Dee says, people move on. God knows I've had so many of these in my adult life that I should have a PhD in the subject! Try and regain some pride and self-respect, make it a personal target and be good to yourself. Everyone does things that are embarrassing and shaming, it's part of the human condition. You have accepted the need to take action and you are doing that so you are taking the steps you should be. I think, more importantly, you need to discuss your decisions with your partner and if necessary to explain to him that maintaining your sobriety is more important to you than your relationship with him. Wishing you all the best. As they say in my country 'chin up'.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
We are not our worst moments. The shame you feel or the embarrassment will subside and it wm be something that you will be able to look at and say " that lesson was ****** but it got me to wake up and move into a healthier existence"
Partners, husbands, friends and family members may not fully understand the depths of alcoholism. They don't have to. You understand and that is all that really matters right now.
This road is not easy at times but after awhile it becomes a strength. A knowing. You got this.
Partners, husbands, friends and family members may not fully understand the depths of alcoholism. They don't have to. You understand and that is all that really matters right now.
This road is not easy at times but after awhile it becomes a strength. A knowing. You got this.
Maladaptive
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 558
I know you’re upset, but like Dee said, we have to move on too.
Laugh about it with those folks. People mess up. If YOU were in their shoes, wouldn’t you want to do something to make the other person feel welcome and better?
Edit, they may not understand why you quit. They don’t need to. It’s our journey. They have their own struggles that you may not know about.
Laugh about it with those folks. People mess up. If YOU were in their shoes, wouldn’t you want to do something to make the other person feel welcome and better?
Edit, they may not understand why you quit. They don’t need to. It’s our journey. They have their own struggles that you may not know about.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think it's really a sign that you are forgiven.
Maybe try forgiving yourself? You're not a bad person, and your husband and friends are trying to let you know that.
No one cares as much as you do about this and even if they did, you can't change the past. I don't dwell on it. Onward! It does get easier to let stuff go.
It's going to get better. I think - try to see the good in people, and that they want you to see the good in yourself.
Maybe try forgiving yourself? You're not a bad person, and your husband and friends are trying to let you know that.
No one cares as much as you do about this and even if they did, you can't change the past. I don't dwell on it. Onward! It does get easier to let stuff go.
It's going to get better. I think - try to see the good in people, and that they want you to see the good in yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You may be misunderstood...but it sounds like you are loved?
They weren’t mocking you or glad you weren’t there. They missed you and wanted to see you, crappy texts aside. As for whether it would have been any fun for you...they’re not thinking that way. They only know their way.
As for your husband...he doesn’t get it. Normies often just don’t. My husband still doesn’t really get it and I’m on day 667. He sits there with his glass and has zero clue how often I want to throw it off the balcony just because I don't want it around.
But his drinking has nothing to do with mine. Coming to terms with that made all the difference this time.
The early months are like learning to walk all over again. They’re frustrating and emotional and all over the place.
Be gentle with yourself, yes? Sending you a hug.
They weren’t mocking you or glad you weren’t there. They missed you and wanted to see you, crappy texts aside. As for whether it would have been any fun for you...they’re not thinking that way. They only know their way.
As for your husband...he doesn’t get it. Normies often just don’t. My husband still doesn’t really get it and I’m on day 667. He sits there with his glass and has zero clue how often I want to throw it off the balcony just because I don't want it around.
But his drinking has nothing to do with mine. Coming to terms with that made all the difference this time.
The early months are like learning to walk all over again. They’re frustrating and emotional and all over the place.
Be gentle with yourself, yes? Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
My husband still doesn’t really get it and I’m on day 667. He sits there with his glass and has zero clue how often I want to throw it off the balcony just because I don't want it around.
But his drinking has nothing to do with mine. Coming to terms with that made all the difference this time.
Be gentle with yourself, yes? Sending you a hug.
But his drinking has nothing to do with mine. Coming to terms with that made all the difference this time.
Be gentle with yourself, yes? Sending you a hug.
but my husband has the right to do what he wants same as me.
I also felt ashamed and humiliated the last time I got drunk in front of friends--but others are right--they aren't thinking about it as hard or long as you have been.
Do be gentle with you--one reason I think so many of us have a problem with drink
is that we as a group live with the harshest critics imaginable--ourselves
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi SS,
I actually think your husband's response was perfect. He responded to questions of defended you at the same time without making it into a big deal.
One big lesson I've had to learn (over and over again) is to stop assuming I know what people are thinking. I always think the worst and that people think poorly of me - turns out that I'm not the center of anyone else's world! Go figure.
This is not trivializing you or your journey. It's about putting things in perspective. Only people who've been where you are can begin to understand the depth of what you are going through and what an enormous struggle it is. Stick around here and vent to us, get thee to a meeting of some sort, continue to rage and think out loud in this community and I promise you we'll get it.
Hope you're sleeping now.
xo
O
I actually think your husband's response was perfect. He responded to questions of defended you at the same time without making it into a big deal.
One big lesson I've had to learn (over and over again) is to stop assuming I know what people are thinking. I always think the worst and that people think poorly of me - turns out that I'm not the center of anyone else's world! Go figure.
This is not trivializing you or your journey. It's about putting things in perspective. Only people who've been where you are can begin to understand the depth of what you are going through and what an enormous struggle it is. Stick around here and vent to us, get thee to a meeting of some sort, continue to rage and think out loud in this community and I promise you we'll get it.
Hope you're sleeping now.
xo
O
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Thank you again everyone.
I’d respond to you one on one but for some reason this subject matter is making me feel anxious and nauseated. Reliving it is not fun. I’m not even sure how it happened, those of you who blacked out during your drinking times probably know what I’m speaking of, there’s a vague and frightening quality to times that are mostly obscured and remembered in tiny pieces, the only thing that makes it useful is using it as yet another of my 1,001 reasons to remain sober.
Whether or not I will attend any other events coming up remains to be seen. I rather like hiding out at home and avoiding everyone. I like that I have an excuse and everyone thinks it’s a valid one. As for me, I don’t care whether anyone thinks it’s valid, I just need to rest, gather myself and pick up the pieces of my life, which takes a ton of time.
I’d respond to you one on one but for some reason this subject matter is making me feel anxious and nauseated. Reliving it is not fun. I’m not even sure how it happened, those of you who blacked out during your drinking times probably know what I’m speaking of, there’s a vague and frightening quality to times that are mostly obscured and remembered in tiny pieces, the only thing that makes it useful is using it as yet another of my 1,001 reasons to remain sober.
Whether or not I will attend any other events coming up remains to be seen. I rather like hiding out at home and avoiding everyone. I like that I have an excuse and everyone thinks it’s a valid one. As for me, I don’t care whether anyone thinks it’s valid, I just need to rest, gather myself and pick up the pieces of my life, which takes a ton of time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I have memories that I'll never retrieve. I have had to accept that.
I behaved badly too - again I've had to own that.
I hope you can get to a place where you can go out again soon, head held high.
The only thing worse than a blackout would be letting that blackout rob of of any more of your life.
There's nothing we can do about yesterday...but today? it's a blank canvas.
Don't leave to many of them blank, ok?
D
I behaved badly too - again I've had to own that.
I hope you can get to a place where you can go out again soon, head held high.
The only thing worse than a blackout would be letting that blackout rob of of any more of your life.
There's nothing we can do about yesterday...but today? it's a blank canvas.
Don't leave to many of them blank, ok?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
We carry guilt and shame for our drunken actions usually far longer than others do. I've found that when I go to drinking functions in sobriety that as long as I'm not interfering with someone else's good time, they could care less what I'm doing.
You were probably smart to not go, but "hiding" is not the answer long term.
One huge lesson I've learned is that it's not fair to expect others to "understand" our illness, especially when we are new to sobriety. I absolutely respect your dedication and am pulling for you, but not everyone, especially those not in recovery, are going to automatically "get it."
You were probably smart to not go, but "hiding" is not the answer long term.
One huge lesson I've learned is that it's not fair to expect others to "understand" our illness, especially when we are new to sobriety. I absolutely respect your dedication and am pulling for you, but not everyone, especially those not in recovery, are going to automatically "get it."
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
What bothers me is that if they don’t know I’m an alcoholic, then they don’t know that they weren’t witnessing my true personality. They think that what happened is me. I sometimes magically wish I could wipe out anyone’s knowledge of the drunk me, and just find all new friends. Or just move on from all of them, everyone that knew whoever that person was, and go find people to start fresh with. Sober people. In my sober life.
As you can tell, I haven’t really moved past it. At five weeks sober I am still just bumbling along anyway. I’m still just swatting away bad thoughts and bad notions and sneaky addicted rationalizations, swatting them all away like flies, I need time to heal.
And I am still irritated that people don’t get it. Even though I understand they’re not as concerned about it as I am. Yeah remember that Xmas party when my husband carried me out of the restaurant? Or that time I fell every time I tried to walk and smashed into the furtniture? Or all the times I was literally half carried by the husband around the event because I couldn’t hold myself upright? Or all the crazy ramblings to everyone? Crazy accusations? Ranting without any meaning or logic? Public rants on social media? Bizarre behaviors, bizarre personality changes, dependent and sick personality and no one gets what that is? Gee what could that be?
I know, people are not concerned about other people’s business, And it’s possible that because I am one, it’s clearly obvious to me who else is one. Normies though: they think it’s the persons personality. They don’t get that it’s alcoholism. Maybe, no one really wants to call it that.
As you can tell, I haven’t really moved past it. At five weeks sober I am still just bumbling along anyway. I’m still just swatting away bad thoughts and bad notions and sneaky addicted rationalizations, swatting them all away like flies, I need time to heal.
And I am still irritated that people don’t get it. Even though I understand they’re not as concerned about it as I am. Yeah remember that Xmas party when my husband carried me out of the restaurant? Or that time I fell every time I tried to walk and smashed into the furtniture? Or all the times I was literally half carried by the husband around the event because I couldn’t hold myself upright? Or all the crazy ramblings to everyone? Crazy accusations? Ranting without any meaning or logic? Public rants on social media? Bizarre behaviors, bizarre personality changes, dependent and sick personality and no one gets what that is? Gee what could that be?
I know, people are not concerned about other people’s business, And it’s possible that because I am one, it’s clearly obvious to me who else is one. Normies though: they think it’s the persons personality. They don’t get that it’s alcoholism. Maybe, no one really wants to call it that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
I wasn't a public or social drinker, but my "craziness" sure showed itself on social media. Not necessarily negative or abusive, just flat out nutty. I've had friends tell me since I quit that they often thought I had some real mental illness and were relieved to find that it was "just" drinking.
That's what I hold on to - I have control whether I drink or not, so I feel much more fortunate than if I was mentally ill.
New friends isn't a bad idea - one of the inventories I took was exactly that - my friendships/acquaintances. My "friend" list on Facebook got whittled down a good bit, and I'm much more particular about who I spend free time with. Usually it's family and/or a select, very small group of friends.
I have not been shy about telling people I quit - being open about it has been very healing for me.
That's what I hold on to - I have control whether I drink or not, so I feel much more fortunate than if I was mentally ill.
New friends isn't a bad idea - one of the inventories I took was exactly that - my friendships/acquaintances. My "friend" list on Facebook got whittled down a good bit, and I'm much more particular about who I spend free time with. Usually it's family and/or a select, very small group of friends.
I have not been shy about telling people I quit - being open about it has been very healing for me.
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