treeguy24

It hit me hard when I realize I'm searching around for opiates, or having to rush to the grocery store because I need that comfort knowing I have a full bottle of vodka in the house, that I have a problem.

I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm walking around and people look at me and think highly of me, and there's the fact that I have an above average physique (not trying to brag) so people think I'm strong and healthy and everything, but here I am. I got out of this life before and I'm back in it and I know that if I go down the road of taking opiates again it's going to take me down an even darker path.

But I feel weak and embarrassed inside that I have this secret. People can look at you and think you're strong because you have big muscles or whatever you do, but nobody realizes I'm chasing alcohol and drugs and I don't know why I would want to go back to this life again.

It's almost as though I feel separate from everyone else. And it just hit me this morning all of a sudden, when I realized that me, the person who has stood for fitness, etc. is doing this stuff.

ScottFromWI

That's a pretty common feeling for those actively addicted treeguy, I felt the same way when I was still drinking.

Thing is, there's a solution that's 100% effective if you should choose to seek it. What other people think about it really doesn't matter - you have the power to make the change and improve your life. You know things are better when you are not drinking, why not decide that today is the day to start living a better life?

tomls

Welcome! Jump on in here and build yourself some sober muscles!

PeacefulWater12

I also felt separate from other people, as Scott says it's very common in addicts. I hear it said in my recovery meetings a lot. I found that once I had quit and worked my recovery program that feeling of separation changed into feeling connected with other people.

What others think of us is none of our business.

I used to feel like I was acting in a theatre play. Acting a role I thought others what me to be.

Exhausting. Soul destroying.

Edwardsc393

I feel ashamed too. People think I'm a social drinker. I used to be. Now it has grabbed me!

tomsteve

me,too. learned 2 things:
1- im not that important to other people. the vast majority of people dont think anything about me.
2- my own opinion of me AND what i was gonna do about it was much more important than what others thought of me.

Fly N Buy

We can live a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde existence for sure. I thought I fooled others more than I actually did. Over time, the veil of deceit is raised and no longer hid my true self. This became a blessing as the obstacles to sobriety became lessened.

Gottalife

That was my experience too. Though I was lonely and ashamed at the start, even in the meetings, I worked the program and soon became connected. I lost the loneliness and shame, and a whole new experience opened up for me.

waynetheking

Hang in there buddy. It gets better.

treeguy24

Thanks for the response. Glad to at least be a part of some type of support system even if it is online.

SoberCAH

When I got sober, i was 31 years old, athletic and outwardly successful.

But i knew that i was a fraud underneath the outside veneer of respectability.

Obladi

Sorry, treeguy, but I seem to have seriously zapped some of my brain cells and don't remember. Is there a reason you can't do any kind of in person support?

And yes, SR is pretty awesome. Deep and wide in resources...

O

NClarke2017

Gosh.. I could write a book about how I feel like a fraud sometimes.. we have to remember not to be so down on ourselves though.. Sometimes (often, actually) we are our hardest critic, truly.

treeguy24

Because I haven't sought in person support.

WaterOx

I can relate. I'm at the gym almost every day, in shape and to top it off I'm in healthcare with my own business and work with a lot of public so people know me around town quite a bit. I often feel people look up to me in certain circles and it kills me sometime to think about what I do in private.

It's definitely a work in progress but this year has been better than ever.

I can really relate to that feeling dude trust me you're not alone.

Berrybean

Sorry, but that did make me giggle Treeguy.

Do you think perhaps it's a option? I should imagine there's a friendly enough group of recovering alcoholics / users just around the corner.

All you need to do is google the details, walk in, grab a coffee and sit down. Noone need share if they don't want to speak.

Nothing changes if nothing changes - and only you can be the catalyst for recovery to start.

BB

zjw

what tomsteve said.

but i knwo for me people always think i'm mr laid back calm and collected super nice guy. little do they know i'm going ballistic in my head i'm not where near as calm and collected as they think i'm just a great actor and when i drank it was considerably worse.

But my point is what they think of me was entirely wrong thats if that many people even thought this of me and possibly i weas just entirely too focused on what I thoguht other people thought of me rather then just focusing on what i thought of me etc..

cant please everyone never will gotta just do what you can do for you and leave it at that. Some will think its great and some will not again you cant please everyone but you cant be doing what your doing for everyone elses sake all the time.

ScottFromWI

At some point you'll need to take ownership of your recovery if that's what you truly want Treeguy. It sounds to me based on your posts here that you are still in the "bargaining" stage of addiction. I was there for a long time too - and basically I just wasn't ready to admit that I was an alcoholic. I was desperately seeking a way to control my drinking and find some magic bullet/technique/excuse to keep drinking.

The bottom line though was that I was just fooling myself. I hope you can come to that realization some day and help yourself before things really get bad.

tomsteve

got plans to do so?

Obladi

Yeah, I get that too (lord knows). That ambivalence is a terrible place to be. It's like living in purgatory.

I wish I knew how to help pull you out treeguy. I know you want to be sober and I know you want to keep drinking/using. If you read the Rational Recovery stuff I sent to you on this or another thread, you'll see this feeling is THE definition of addiction. (According to the writer.) The concepts in this approach are enormously helpful to me in tandem with in-person support via AA. Contrary to the RR approach, I believe that working with other addicts to go beyond just stopping is key.

But that's just me.

Bottom line is if any part of you has a desire to stop drinking/using, walk into an AA meeting and see how it goes. You don't have to be sober - just go.

O