Struggling
 

Psssshhh, well, well. It's like a switch got thrown in me today and I find myself planning to drink. Started this afternoon. And then my adult daughter, who lives with me, tells me that she has plans to meet up with a friend after work for a drink tomorrow. That sounds great! I want to do that too.

I have forgotten the misery I was in only month ago. I feel so normal and healthy...why shouldn't I have a vodka martini after work tomorrow? I HONESTLY CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT.

And I realize, more clearly than ever, that I don't have enough support. I have to get some.

But I'm here tonight anyway. At least I haven't hopped into my car to drive to the store to buy booze. I hate this.

Here is a better place to be than there.

Hi Dee! We have all felt this way many, many times. I can go stretches at a time without drinking, and i always feel so much better. Alcoholism seems to have a way of activatin selective memory in me.. I remember the misery, but it doesn't seem as bad as it actually was when you're feeling great.

Getting a support system is key for moments like these, as you mentioned. Sometimes i just need someone on the other end of the phone to remind me that once that flip is switched, I can kiss the next few days gooodbye and face a truckload of shame and loathing afterwards (I'm a binge drinker). Have someone you can call as soon as the thought pops into your head! You can do it :-)

I relate to what you share. What helped me was having a support system as Vigilance Now mentions above. My brain plays tricks on me and selectively alters my memories. Remembering the good parts but not the bad of drinking.

Perhaps check out a recovery program that appeals to you.

I always encourage people to re-read their old posts - or read someone elses in this forum or the Newcomers section.

Remember what drinking was really like for you, and accept that it's not going to be different this time, because it never is.

You can open up the door to the things you've striven hard to leave behind...or you can keep going and see where sobriety and recovery take you.

To me there's no choice DDD :)

D

I’m sorry you’re struggling, I hate that feeling of wanting to drink. It’s got to simply be out of the question.

Also, you DESERVE FUN STUFF. Going out for a drink is just one out of thousands of ways to reward yourself. Brainstorm.

I hate when alcohol is on my mind and I'm out driving, will I turn the car around to buy some. Honey went with me today! So we will have mod wine tonight with supper.

thanks :) another day sober
 

Thank you, Edward, Vigilance, Dee, StayingSassy, and Peaceful, really, thank you all so much. Your wise words are helping. It's good not to be alone.

I'm trying real hard to remember what life was like when I was drinking...so that I don't repeat it. I was tired, cranky, guilty, checked out, full of regret, constant headache, bloated, not sleeping properly, and sad. Doesn't sound like much fun, does it, Stayingsassy? I deserve fun? I love that you said that.

I just realized that I am sad. A wave of deep sadness washed over me. I need to cry. When I get off work I'll go home and try to cry. Then I'll take the dog and head to the beach for a stroll. I really need to practice this self-awareness self-care thing. Other people figure this out as teenagers, right? Sigh.

Thanks again, all. TGIF!

I think you're doing great. I'm only on day 4. Sure it's hard and you're sad. But, yes, you deserve fun. And if you're on the site, I know drinking will not be fun long term. It'll lead where it always leads. And then you have to start from scratch. Get over this large hurdle which you're struggling on, and the next one will seem smaller. Work your sober muscles, as they say.

ISM. Incredibly short memory. That seemed to be my major problem too. The memories that should keep me safe just don’t come to mind.

Right at the moment, you are working a good defence. The memories are enough to get you talking to folks, to take some positive action. Now is the moment to get serious about recovery, because everything will change when the ISM kicks in.

This was when i forgot completely why I stopped drinking. I also forgot what I was supposed to do if I felt like I might drink. The only thought going on in my mind was that a drink would be nice just to relax and enjoy myself. No way I was going to call anyone at this stage. In my insane way of thinking, anyone I called would only be trying to talk me out of enjoying myself. Too late by this time.


When I got into recovery, I got in the habit of calling people when things were going well, not just when I was feeling off. I also took advantage of the window of opportunity to work the steps. I went to meetings on the same basis, feeling good or bad, I went. Dr Bob called it taking out insurance against a possible slip.

Insurance is a good analogy. You cant insure a house after it has burnt down, you must do it before hand.

Glad to see you got through that one Dee. Well done🙂

You have a month of sobriety right? So now is the time to go into action. This disease will not go away on its own. You have to develop a plan and work it. Achieving long term sobriety is more than just not drinking. It's about a lifestyle choice. It's staying busy in your sobriety. Forget about the fun you think you deserve. You need to fight this tooth and nail. 1 month is critical. Get into action or risk slipping into the abyss of alcoholism. It's a deadly disease. Treat it as such.

Dog +beach + sobriety = heaven in my book. Happy weekend to you.

My biggest fear right here. I need to be working my program better. I tend to not work at it when things are good. They can turn on a dime and I know that because I’ve lived that. Thank you for this post.

Sounds relaxing SS. Anything to keep your mind off alcohol. Just take it one day at a time. It gets better and better as time passes. Sobriety will be the best ride of your life. I can absolutely assure you of that.