Sohard

Utter craziness. I stopped by my 80 year old mother's home this evening to put in some light bulbs. She asked me to open a bottle of wine for her before I left. I went and got her wine opener, which had a cork lodged deep inside. After pulling and twisting, I eventually used my teeth to break it free (I never had this problem bc I would buy twist off to get to my wine quicker). I used her now available wine opener to open her a new bottle, pour her a glass, and go on my merry way. All fine, right? Even impressive, right??

Half way home I started thinking nutso thoughts, like: there was probably old wine on that cork I finally got free. So, I sort of cheated accidentally if I got any on my tongue when I pulled it off with my teeth, right? So, maybe I should drink now and start fresh tomorrow. God damnit! I know I'm going to break. I know me!

Stayingsassy

You don't need to break. You're going to be fine. Let the thoughts come in, let the thoughts move out. I have them too.

All drinking thoughts are temporary. Sure, the same one may come back another day, but they come in, and they pass through. Your addiction wants you all worked up. Do the opposite. Blandly observe thoughts, blandly dismiss them.

Sohard

Thanks, Stayingsassy. You've been so supportive that I'm humiliated to be honest with you. I had 3 glasses of wine (on my 7th day sober.:.i almost made it a week), so I start again tomorrow. I'm new at this, but I think where I messed up was getting too proud of myself after a week. It's ridiculous I thought I could open a bottle of wine for someone else. So, I start again tomorrow. I'm going to stay off this site for the next week until I can redeem myself. This feels shameful after all the support I've gotten, no matter what anyone says. I'll touch base next Sunday when I'm hopefully 7 days sober again. Thank you again, and sorry to disappoint.

tomsteve

youre not gonna break unless you allow that to happen.
dont sabotage youre recovery.

no, you dont know you.
you know the OLD you-the one from before you chose sobriety

doggonecarl

When I see posts like this I think, "There's someone who plans to drink for a week."

Don't bail on the support that's been working for you. Shame is addiction's tool for relapse.

Stayingsassy

So hard, we are alcoholics. It's not like we don't get it. There's no need to stay away, it won't help anything, and if you stay here you'll be much less likely to turn a one day slip into a seven day bender.

Just dust yourself off and start fresh now.

Hevyn

SoHard - Now is when you need to be here. That's what this community is for - we hold each other up when we fall. I'm sure almost every one of us has had a similar experience. You haven't let anyone down, and we're not disappointed. You were honest about what happened & you're ready to try again. Let's do this.

Stayingsassy

The days we rack up matter: but what matters more is a genuine desire to stop drinking, and to change your life. If that's at the forefront, you will get there, but not without support. Preferably: face to face support, with people who consciously avoid wine, on purpose, for the same reason you are trying to avoid wine. Like minded people, to balance out the wine drinking influences in your life. I love AA for this reason primarily: when I go, I am talking with people who think about, and work at, and build toward, a life without alcohol. Otherwise, I am at a disadvantage and my choice to avoid drinking doesn't feel real. You must have real people you see and talk to into person who don't drink on purpose.

Gottalife

I think this is right on the face of it. A logical assumption. But, just putting myself in Sohards shoes and remembering my own experience with alcholism, if it were me it would go like this.

I was suffering from untreated alcholism and therefore had no effective mental defence against the first drink. The smell or taste of the wine on the cork just served to liven up the obsession which in any case had never left. Once the obsession is back full force there is no choice on the table. There are two certainties, one that I will not call anyone who might get in the way of a drink, and two that I will drink.

Having now had three glasses of wine I have set off the phenomenon of craving which is beyond my power to control. I will drink until I am done, even if it means losing jobs or friends or relationships. Aside from being locked up, nothing on earth will stop me until I am too sick to continue.

There came a point when I had had enough, and realised how fortunate I was to have survived this far. This was when I became willing to do whatever is required to get well. I was given a small window of opportunity and I didn't waste it this time.

Sohard

Thanks, but I'm kind of scared to go alone to AA. I thought I could do this website instead.

As disappointed as I am in myself (I am!) , I dumped the remaining bits of the bottle away. I am determined, despite my mess-up today. I want this (sobriety) more than anything. As HELLISH as the past 7 days were, in a way they were easier than being enslaved by alcohol, running home to have my fix. I'm going to do this. I can't wait until 7 more days (although I doubt you believe me at this point!).

Mac4711

Sohard,
The main thing now is to pick yourself up and stay on this site. You’ve learned how hard it is to resist the urge when you’re so close to alcohol. Like I said on some other post, will power is a finite resource: During the first weeks I stayed as far away as I could from bars, BBQs, parties, and the like. I think you should do the same.
On the sticky post portion of the forum there’s a link how to build a recovery plan, I suggest you go and take a look. Your AV (addictive voice) will try to outwit you every chance it gets, so you need to step up your game. All the best!

ScottFromWI

If you'd like to try AA and are afraid to go alone, make a phone call to your local chapter. Someone would be happy to meet you at the door or maybe even give you a ride. Glad you dumped out the bottle, drinking only makes it all worse.

Stayingsassy

I've been trying to quit for years. I wasted a lot of years on recovery websites. They were comforting and helped me realize my problem but they didn't keep me from the bottle. I loved the websites...they help focus me when I have downtime, but they are not enough. I know that about me.

Maybe if you are just getting started and have never made an effort to quit, you need to kind of figure out if this might be enough for you, I'm not saying that won't be the case, just that face to face is necessary for me.

It feels a little weird walking into AA meetings for the first time but people do it all the time and the meeting is set up for people just walking in, they ask the same questions in the beginning geared toward welcoming new people.

It's true though that going to AA is generally something people do when they know for a fact that they are alcoholics. Until people are at that point, they don't seem to go. I'm not saying alcoholics don't quit without AA: they do, it's just that people with a shred of denial left are not at meetings. You may be afraid of step one. Many people are, they just haven't really explored why they have that fear, facing step one with all honesty means knowing moderation is out of the question. It's an understandable fear but a really important one to face.

LuluBread

I said the same thing, I'll come back....to only drink again while I was away. I'm back to day 5 reading, posting, and chatting. Everyday.

tomsteve

why?

Sohard

I followed ScottfromWI's advice and called ahead to AA, which stayingsassy thought I should go to. I was SO embarrassed at first, which is crazy, I know. I think the part of today's society (or in previous generations) that labeled you the town drunk with no willpower still internally stigmatizes me, even though I'm aware enough to know I didn't choose my brain chemistry and my addictions. I will say, it was nice to be in a place I felt opposite of judged and fully supported. Today is my new day #1. For the second time, I fully believe this will be successful. I don't want to fail myself twice.

Now off to read the "Habit Stacking" book I was recommended!!

gnarlyboots

Hi Sohard,

you don't have to beat yourself up, we've all been there!

Maybe give yourself a pat on the back for showing up, being honest about slipping up & refocusing on what you can change...

Don't ghost, it'll give your AV a chance to really play some tricks & keep posting, you'll be back at one week sober before you know it :-)

Dee74

Hi sohard

I drank for 20 years...and then I didn't.
At some point you have to say - enough's enough and I choose a new way.

If opening your moms wine is that much of a trigger for you maybe it's best you tell her she make other arrangements?

D

Stayingsassy

So hard, glad you made the decision to seek more support. It can only help.

I agree about the wine. In three weeks I haven't been near, seen, or smelled a drop. I just don't need it right now. Tell your mom that you'd be happy to make her lunch, straighten up her home, bring her some flowers; anything but bring her wine. Just say "I'm not drinking right now and I'd rather not be around it," or something simple like that.

I recently made the mistake of being a bit too open with my parents and it opened up some old family wounds, it wasn't the best decision. If I need to say it again to friends and family I'm keeping it simple.

BullDog777

it's weird...you're not afraid to throw away your life and be dangerous in your thinking and choices, but you are afraid of a bunch of people you want to love and support you into learning how to live again.

See how the insanity of this illness works?