FindingMyNext

The sobriety count is at 120 days. I'm simultaneously shocked at how quickly time has gone... and how slowly it has gone. How can it be both? Not sure... but it is.

One of the things I have learned is how deep my denial was. I knew I had a problem, but only with the passage of time am I realizing how much of a problem. I hadn't lost my family, job, or life--so perhaps that made it easier to lie to myself. But, boy, I'd lied--I told myself it was only recently that things had gotten out of control, for one thing, but now that I'm clearheaded I have admitted that it was well over ten years (fifteen, even) that I'd been drinking too heavily. Save pregnancy and breastfeeding, those blocks of time that I was sober as a church mouse, I was drunk a lot more than I ever let myself acknowledge. A LOT MORE.

SR has helped me so much in these last four difficult, exhilarating, proud, challenging, flummoxing months. The most important was recent threads about PAWS and the threads about the time, patience, and kindness one should offer oneself when recovering. I think a part of me thought I'd feel like a different person as soon as I stopped drinking every day. In some ways, I did, but it other ways I have needed more time. While I felt better after the first week I didn't drink--no hangovers! no shaking hands! no shame! no fear!-- I still had (have) to grapple with my body's recovering. I'm grateful for the people on here who helped (help) me take a long view.

And, of course, the short view is pretty fabulous, too: Every night when I put my kids to bed, and then, the next morning, when I wake, to realize I remember every detail about it... my god, there is no better feeling.

I'm angry and embarrassed about the time I lost to drunkenness, but with patience and time, I hope that the anger dissipates to gratefulness about the new life I'm hellbent on living for myself.

Thanks for listening. You people are awesome.

120... and counting.

Done4today

Congrats on 1/3 of a year!!

I had similar finds in my sobriety. My thinking and perception was so off. My drinking was always a problem from high school on. It only took me 30 years to find sobriety. I guess I am just slower than many. I do wish I would have wanted it much earlier. But we all need to travel our journey to appreciate our journey.

Good luck

fini

congratulations, FMN.

you're a quick study
took me much longer to get an honest view of how wide 'the problem" had enmeshed and entangled itself into my life and who i was.

great to hear about your positive experiences so far.

Stayingsassy

Congratulations! Thanks for your story.

Obladi

Thanks for this - it's good to read about your experience and receive that message exactly when I need it.

Although I've come to acknowledge the out of control aspect started much earlier than I did previously, it's only just now that I'm coming to a rudimentary understanding of the relationship between me and alcohol. This is the hard part - take alcohol out of me and what have you got? Same thing as before, only not drunk. Or something.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks for posting because it's taken many many messages and forms of messages for me to "get" that this recovery thing is hard work. Simple, but hard.

Good on you for four months - that's awesome!

O

DarklingSong

Well done on 4 months. I will finally get to day 120 this coming Sunday. If I hadn't read the PAWS threads here I think I would have gone completely mad. The support on SR is simply amazing.

It sounds like things are going really well for you.....and thats great to hear.
Best wishes.

Dee74

Congrats on 120 days FindingMyNext

I figure that all I went through - good and bad - bought me here to where I am right now - and 'here' is pretty good.

Life is precious - try not to waste any anger on things that can't be changed - seize the day and make today a day well lived

D

FindingMyNext

Dee, a wise friend once told me, "Anger is a wasted emotion." I agree w that, and try not to live in a place of anger. But I feel it here, tied closely to regret, because I knew better. My parents didn't drink because they knew they were at risk, and I saw some very dramatic drunk aunts and uncles who were raging alcoholics. And then I went and did the same flippin' thing to myself.

I'll work through it, in time. But, yeah. Grrrrrrrr.

Maudcat

Hi, Finding.
Congratulations.
You sound really good!
There is a lot of alcoholism in my family.
When I was deep into drinking, one of the things I felt was that I was just carrying on the family legacy.
I would point to all the family members who were drunks, and say, “Well, that’s me. There you go.”
When I stopped drinking and had been sober for a while, I began to look at all the family members who didn’t drink.
I came to see that drinking was not my destiny, it was my choice.
And I chose to stop.
Peace.