Guilt and Pain
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 8
Guilt and Pain
Please say something to help me get a clear head.
I broke up with my ex one month ago but only stopped talking to him over two weeks ago.
I really loved him and I still do. He was so good to me, he never did anything terrible to intentionally hurt me or even say anything unacceptable.
I left because he was a heavy smoker and an alchoholic. He smokes a pack a day and drink excessively.
He drinks like a fish. He’s a machine. He drinks every night after work(altho doesnt get that drunk) he drinks 6-7 bottles of beer, few glasses or rum and coke and on occasional nights he would go out with friends and get plastered or blacked out drunk he wont remember anything, where he went, what he did or how he managed to get home. He gets so drunk he would pee in bed.
I put up with this for a very long time. Id wake up from my sleep wet from his pee and Washed our sheet everytime. I treated him kindly. I cooked, cleaned and washed his clothes. I was almost a girlfriend, a friend and a maid. We were together for almost two years and about a month ago I felt like I cannot take it anymore.
I left and never spoke with him again. And eventho we live close, I avoided going where he lives and havent seen him since. Its been over two weeks of no contact. And during this time i know he had been drinking still.
I had a tracker that shows me where he was going but i decided to delete it a week ago to help myself. Because i get hurt everytime i see his locations. I had access to his instagram and saw him searching for different girls. I decided to stop looking at anything that hurts me so I deleted everything.
I thought i was okay already until i woke up and i realized im not this morning. All of a sudden I felt this pricking feeling in my chest. I think I miss him, I miss him a lot. And I love him so much but I know my decision was the right thing.
Im just confused on what to do. He wants us to stay friends and he wants to help me out with anything. He said he cares about me and if anything he wants me to make sure to ask help from him first before going to other people should I need anything.
I dont need anything at all. But when we broke up I was so angry, I was so angry that he cannot stop drinking and that he chose his habits over me. So i stopped talking to him altogether. I was so angry because I was so good to him yet he chose to break my heart all the time. He always tell me he is not trying to hurt me but his behaviour hurts me big time.
What should I do? He never checked on me anymore since the day we last texted each other. Today As the first day of snow came I was telling myself “I HOPE HE IS OKAY, I HOPE HE IS WARM.” The i didnt realize i was already crying.
Suddenly the pain cameback again and the longing started to kick in
I broke up with my ex one month ago but only stopped talking to him over two weeks ago.
I really loved him and I still do. He was so good to me, he never did anything terrible to intentionally hurt me or even say anything unacceptable.
I left because he was a heavy smoker and an alchoholic. He smokes a pack a day and drink excessively.
He drinks like a fish. He’s a machine. He drinks every night after work(altho doesnt get that drunk) he drinks 6-7 bottles of beer, few glasses or rum and coke and on occasional nights he would go out with friends and get plastered or blacked out drunk he wont remember anything, where he went, what he did or how he managed to get home. He gets so drunk he would pee in bed.
I put up with this for a very long time. Id wake up from my sleep wet from his pee and Washed our sheet everytime. I treated him kindly. I cooked, cleaned and washed his clothes. I was almost a girlfriend, a friend and a maid. We were together for almost two years and about a month ago I felt like I cannot take it anymore.
I left and never spoke with him again. And eventho we live close, I avoided going where he lives and havent seen him since. Its been over two weeks of no contact. And during this time i know he had been drinking still.
I had a tracker that shows me where he was going but i decided to delete it a week ago to help myself. Because i get hurt everytime i see his locations. I had access to his instagram and saw him searching for different girls. I decided to stop looking at anything that hurts me so I deleted everything.
I thought i was okay already until i woke up and i realized im not this morning. All of a sudden I felt this pricking feeling in my chest. I think I miss him, I miss him a lot. And I love him so much but I know my decision was the right thing.
Im just confused on what to do. He wants us to stay friends and he wants to help me out with anything. He said he cares about me and if anything he wants me to make sure to ask help from him first before going to other people should I need anything.
I dont need anything at all. But when we broke up I was so angry, I was so angry that he cannot stop drinking and that he chose his habits over me. So i stopped talking to him altogether. I was so angry because I was so good to him yet he chose to break my heart all the time. He always tell me he is not trying to hurt me but his behaviour hurts me big time.
What should I do? He never checked on me anymore since the day we last texted each other. Today As the first day of snow came I was telling myself “I HOPE HE IS OKAY, I HOPE HE IS WARM.” The i didnt realize i was already crying.
Suddenly the pain cameback again and the longing started to kick in
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You are doing the only thing you can do with an active alcoholic, and that is to stay out of the vortex.
Try to distract yourself with feel-good and self-care things. How about a walk outside? A comedy on netflix? How about a long hot shower and clean sheets? Buy a new mattress!
It's perfectly normal to have painful thoughts pop up, but healing is quicker if you don't dwell on it.
When I broke up with my ex, I would allow myself ten minutes a day to think about him/us/it. I scheduled it in. I sat at the computer and typed out all my thoughts about it for TEN minutes. If it came up at other times of the day, I would tell myself, "I'll talk about that in the 'breakup journal'." That helped to stop my ruminating, and to give my thoughts a vent, without going overboard with it. Ten minutes is plenty, if you try it. After a couple paragraphs of venom I would naturally turn to more positive thoughts. Then I would start not wanting to do it at all and I was on my way to a permanent healing.
Maybe not in week two.
But it gets easier.
You're doing great.
p.s. I don't stay friends with exes. They had their chance. They're exes for a reason.
Try to distract yourself with feel-good and self-care things. How about a walk outside? A comedy on netflix? How about a long hot shower and clean sheets? Buy a new mattress!
It's perfectly normal to have painful thoughts pop up, but healing is quicker if you don't dwell on it.
When I broke up with my ex, I would allow myself ten minutes a day to think about him/us/it. I scheduled it in. I sat at the computer and typed out all my thoughts about it for TEN minutes. If it came up at other times of the day, I would tell myself, "I'll talk about that in the 'breakup journal'." That helped to stop my ruminating, and to give my thoughts a vent, without going overboard with it. Ten minutes is plenty, if you try it. After a couple paragraphs of venom I would naturally turn to more positive thoughts. Then I would start not wanting to do it at all and I was on my way to a permanent healing.
Maybe not in week two.
But it gets easier. You're doing great.
p.s. I don't stay friends with exes. They had their chance. They're exes for a reason.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
I'm sorry you're having a tough time, this too shall pass.
Take some time and take care of #1, yourself. I believe you did the right thing, being in a relationship with someone that's behaving like this is not healthy.
there are so many things in life that are totally out your control and this is one of them. All you can do is pray for him and hope he gets help before he hurts someone or hurts himself..
Sending prayers your way! Focus on yourself for awhile and get better!! Wishing you the best!
Take some time and take care of #1, yourself. I believe you did the right thing, being in a relationship with someone that's behaving like this is not healthy.
there are so many things in life that are totally out your control and this is one of them. All you can do is pray for him and hope he gets help before he hurts someone or hurts himself..
Sending prayers your way! Focus on yourself for awhile and get better!! Wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Just my opinion......I think you did the only thing you could. Now it is time to take good care of yourself.
I am sure he didn't intend to hurt you. He put his drinking before you because he is an addict. You cannot change that, no matter how much you love him; only he can.
Support to you.
I am sure he didn't intend to hurt you. He put his drinking before you because he is an addict. You cannot change that, no matter how much you love him; only he can.
Support to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
When I read your post it reminds me of my relationship with alcohol. Replace him with booze and that's it. Its terrible for me, I know this. Not drinking is the 'right' thing to do. Its survival. Continuing to drink is insanity. I avoid alcohol. But I still think of it. Miss it. Long for it (at times). Obsess about it. I want it even though I know in every fiber of my being that it will kill me.
It has been my experience that people who are in relationships with active addicts are often addicted themselves. But not to a substance, to the person. And obviously that can never be a healthy relationship.
You are doing the right thing. Follow that logic. No healthy person would put up with what you have been dealing with. Doesn't mean he is a bad person, but he is a sick person......and you can't fix him. Stay the course.
It has been my experience that people who are in relationships with active addicts are often addicted themselves. But not to a substance, to the person. And obviously that can never be a healthy relationship.
You are doing the right thing. Follow that logic. No healthy person would put up with what you have been dealing with. Doesn't mean he is a bad person, but he is a sick person......and you can't fix him. Stay the course.
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