Bunny211

Did you ever feel life was better before you got sober? I don't mean the end of my drinking. Sobriety is better than that. But 10 years ago. I had a good life. An education. A career. Friends. Sobriety is a distant runner up to that. It still feels like a punishment to be endured for being such a stupid wreck of a person to become such a terrible alcoholic in the first place. Now I'm forever marked. Forever a loser....damned to sobriety and church basements. It's better than drinking round the clock and puking. But it's not nearly as fulfilling as life before I fell on my face and became a hopeless drunk.

And I think I have always felt this way. I keep trying to push these thoughts away but they always re-appear. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I'm pretty miserable. Sobriety is second plate to the life I used to have.

ChloeRose63

Ya. I get those thoughts and regrets. I think if I never picked up that beer in college what other choices would I have made for a better lifestyle. The relationships I had were dysfunctional and alcohol was my escape.
But, I can't go back and do it all over (as Eddie Money sings) so I look to what I can change. Pretty much The Serenity Prayer...
I feel for you...

biminiblue

If I was hanging out in meetings I would feel that way, too. That's part of the group-think.

Forever sick. Marked for life. Forever a loser. Do this or else. Damned to church basements.

Maybe cut back to one meeting a week, and make sure it's a solution-based one? I don't know, I had a really bad reaction to meetings. Your mileage may vary. I have to be pretty careful what thoughts I take on as "truth."

theVman31

I cant really relate cause I fell on my face too early. And watched others falling on their faces.

I think its the illusion of the spirit and mind.
We always have that tendance to think the grass is or was greener on the other side.
Its live in regret or you have the power.

Personally I hope I am "damned" to sobriety for the rest of my life. I know where the other path takes me.

Wishing you strength.

Ariesagain

FWIW, mid-life is usually rough, drunk or sober. They call it a midlife crisis for a reason. You're a little young for that but the feelings may be the same? Especially in an era where there's not much out there being talked about that's positive.

For me, I realized about that time that my choices were not limitless. That I wasn't going to end up ever in a Hallmark special. That stuff was going to happen and a whole bunch of it was going to suck scissors.

We're fed an awful lot of hype about what life as a grownup is supposed to be and it hardly ever matches up...and instead of challenging the hype, we assume it's our fault. It isn't...you're doing a great job with real life on its terms.

I know you have good friends and a loving family, yes? Are you able to spend time with them doing positive things? You don't have to sit shiva forever for your drunk past. Alcholism is not a tattoo.

I'm just trying to say that you are a success story, whether you realize it or not, and especially given some of the stuff that happened while you were in the early days of getting sober.

Be nice to yourself, yes? You deserve all good things.

Sending you a hug.

thenewguy

Well, dont feel bad, I'm struggling too and I'm 4 years sober. Life is very...raw...in sobriety. I can't handle stress at all. I have bad, bad social anxiety. I dive into other addictive activities like gaming, or even coffee to avoid reality.

But really, is there any turning back? If I drink, I die. The old life, with its seeming glamour and trimmings, was really an illusion propped up by poison. It was always on borrowed time and doomed to oblivion. The new life mostly sucks, but at least with the promise of sobriety I have a fighting chance to improve on things just a little.

All I can say is try to develop a new passion or two to give the new life a spark that you feel is lacking. For me it was guitar, and jogging (of all things). But just something that's away from recovery culture. Please hang in there.

Regards
Dave

DarklingSong

Bunny, thank you for your post. I certainly relate.
Aries and NewGuy.....loved your responses. You both made me laugh while thinking about how terribly tragic life is.....
Wish I had some wisdom to add but I am just about shuffling along sober.

tomsteve

[QUOTE=Bunny211;6623498. Now I'm forever marked. Forever a loser....damned to sobriety and church basements. It's better than drinking round the clock and puking. But it's not nearly as fulfilling as life before I fell on my face and became a hopeless drunk.

And I think I have always felt this way. I keep trying to push these thoughts away but they always re-appear. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I'm pretty miserable. Sobriety is second plate to the life I used to have.[/QUOTE]

a few things from a past post:

1. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (auto immune) which makes me feel stressed, anxious, depressed and tired a lot of the time. I am on meds and have sought dietary changes and homeopathy as well.
2. My PMS is INSANE. For 2 weeks out of each month I am chronically suicidal and have bursts of anger or I implode and want to kill myself.

did i read in another reply of yours mention of a therapist?
have ya spoken to your doctor about this? maybe a med change is in order?

Fusion

Bunny, I just want to send you a virtual hug . Tomsteve has written about what may be underlying medical issues that need to be addressed (apart from previous alcohol addiction) but any other issues cannot be cured or solved by 'alcohol addiction treatment/solution'. They require proper professional help, not spiritual. I hope to respond more tomorrow .

tomsteve

NONE of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. All of us spend much of our SPARE time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.

Bunny211

Yup.
I've always had these feelings...pms makes them worse. But, for the past 6-8 months I've fallen asleep to the thought and woke up to very dark thoughts.
And yes, I just switched antidepressants and have a new therapist.
I'm not going to cave and drink. I am just looking for a bit of hope. If this is the life I am fated to lead...I don't want it. It has to get better.

biminiblue

How's your nutrition? Are you getting some moderately difficult exercise every day?

Nutrition is the big one for me. If I start eating too many sugary things, my mood goes in the toilet. I have to really focus on protein and vegetables. I plan my meals pretty carefully.

Only a couple cups of coffee, but no more caffeine than that or I get intrusive dark thoughts, too.

A walk outdoors resets my spinny mind if it gets going.

DarklingSong

I want to apologise for my earlier post. It was unintentionally flippant. I didn't realise you were in such constant emotional pain. I thought when I read your post first, it was more like existential crisis but now I realise it may be deeper than that. I don't know much about recovery but I know a fair bit about loss, trauma and therapy. Is it possible that you are dealing with some long borne difficulties in therapy and that this is making you grieve for all that has gone/passed in life? I could be very wide of the mark....just a suggestion.

If it doesn't ease up is it worth considering a consultation with a psychiatrist who is expert in chronic health conditions? Depression is so common in people with such conditions. Sorry if I am saying what you know already.....just want to say you have my support and best wishes.

tomsteve

of course theres hope and it DOES get better. heres a few posts of yours to prove that:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-newcomer.html (Hope for the newcomer)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ng-myself.html (8 Months........Pinching myself....)

and sumthin i thought was good to read again:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-again.html (Being OK, Even GLAD I'll NEver Drink Again)

i think one of the lines from the BB that can bugger me up the most, but only when i have to do it:

....trudge the road of happy destiny.

youve come a long way, bunny and have had quite a few trials and tribulations.
yes, it WILL get better!
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. they will ALWAYS materialize IF we work for them.

tomsteve

p.s.
can ya get in touch with your therapist to discuss this?

Stronger2017

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling down.

Ringo123

Bunny, so glad you posted instead of drinking...or worse.

Some good stuff has been listed such as checking with your doctor, maybe a therapist, getting good nutrition, and exercise.

I experienced very deep clinical depression after being sober a few years. Thankfully I didn't drink. Took me awhile but eventually sought professional help. Oh, and I never quit going to meetings, even if my step work was almost nonexistent.

You are in my prayers, Bunny. I didn't believe it when I read in the B/B that God wanted me to happy, joyous and free. He wants that for you too!

Hang in there. Don't give up. With a little effort on your part, you will be rocketed into the fourth dimension living a full life with meaning, joy and purpose.

silentrun

I read that as Tomsteve having PMS.

Honestly Bunny, I don't look at the 10 years I wasted. Considering what I got myself into I'm lucky to have gotten out at all. I focus on that mostly. I figured I would be dead for sure within 5 years if I hadn't escaped (probably suicide). I think of any day I have now as life in the bonus round.

I had the PMS like you had (for only about 3 days though) they called it PMDD. I dealt with it until peri menopause hit and I went all haywire. Anti depressants helped my symptoms. I've never had to take one until this menopause thing. Do you think maybe you are getting into that? I don't know how old you are but it can start as early as your late 30s and last 10 years.

Stayingsassy

What Aries said.

I've heard in other recovery circles that sobriety is really what you make of it. I suppose you could ask yourself what was it about the life before? What were you doing then that you aren't doing now? If it's the social life, can that be approximated sober, or not? And why? Is it romance, are you single and finding it harder to meet someone sober?

Logically: there is very little you can't do sober that you did drunk except drink. There's no venue you can't attend, very few friends you can't have, and very few passions you can't explore sober.

So if that's the case....maybe you just miss drinking. We're all, on some level, going to miss the part of drinking that was fun cause our brains are forever addicted. I have to believe though, that I'll still enjoy life.

Best wishes with finding a life you love without the alcohol haze...that's probably a lifelong process because our needs and wants seem to change with time.

Anna

Bunny, I'm sorry that you're struggling. I know that recovery has not been easy for you and I know how very hard you've worked at recovery. I wonder if you take time to have fun, to do something you truly enjoy or just something frivolous? I know you've talked about the career you had before. Have you been able to get back into the kind of work you used to do?